It's Not Easy Being A Cunt

When George Clooney's last leased piece Sarah Larson started to tiptoe out on the ho stroll, her contract was immediately terminated and she was dropped off at the cocktail bar from which she came from. Well, George's current full-time piece Elisabetta Canalis is starting to orally queef about their relationship to the media, so I wonder how long it will be before the movers show up and carry her ass out of there. I hope they don't, because this bitch is hilarious in a delusional kind of way. Who cares if Elisabetta looks like my Uncle Jorge in broke drag, she's still a strong shot of cuntspresso to my soul.

In the Italian version of Vanity Fair (via People), Elisabetta laid out several lines of potent bitchiness and I'm snorting this shit up:

On the jeliz h8rs hating on her life with George: "I am happy like I was when I was 18 years old. Those who criticize or invent stories about us are just jealous."

On how an Italian paper said George dumped her ass: "It might seem a cliché, but unfortunately it is true: the Italians never support their own citizens who earn an opportunity or a recognition abroad … I don't expect to be celebrated, but neither do I expect the newspapers of our country to use as a reference point a gossip blog which is full of insults, racism and violence."

On how she's slowly poisoning her jealous enemies with happiness: "Yes, it is true. We are together. I have heard of women – even famous women – that due to this [relationship] removed his photo as screensavers from their computers. Maybe I am a bit stressed. But in the end the best revenge over these jealous people is to be happy. Because that is the thing they do not forgive you for."

HA! Nobody tell Elisabetta that the only women who would have a George Clooney screensaver are women who don't know how to turn on a computer let alone how to change their screensaver (I'm looking at you, mom). That still is a really good line, though. If Elisabetta can work a strap-on as well as she can bring the bitchiness, George will keep her around for a while (not really).

Here's George making all kinds of faces (ranging from "My no-no is sore" face to "6 inches could work" face) on the set of a commercial with John Malkovich in Milan today. I'm going to make one of these pictures my screensaver just to fuck with Elisabetta.

Gordon Ramsay was taking his sundried mammillas out for a stroll with his wife on the beach in St. Tropez yesterday when he stopped so that this eyeballs could taste a pair of roasted and wrinkled ham hocks. You know Gordon was thinking how delicious those things would taste with a red wine sauce drizzled on top of them and a side of broad beans. Serve 'em up, you stupid donkeys!

And before you start farting about how Gordon is wearing too many clothes on a nekkid beach, take a better look because he's clearly baring the ass on top of his neck. What more do you want? (And I still would. Both those asses).

A company called Moodform Mission is suing Naomi Campbell for breaking a 12-year-old perfume contract with them, because she's a crazed entitled bitch. In the affidavit, which was snatched by Page Six, Naomi's former agent and Moodform's co-director said that she was a living nightmare who was always late and even tried to attack a bitch with a perfume bottle. If the affidavit also states that Naomi glared at staff members in disgust as though they were a corroded piece of raisin stuck in a fat hog's ass, then all of that would sound about right. That's our Naomi! That's our cunt!

Naomi is throwing a bedazzled Blackberry back at Moodform's face by counter-suing them. Naomi claims that she never knew her former agent was affiliated with Moodform. Naomi also says that Moodform stole a piece of her profits. Naomi's lawyer is asking the court to throw that shit out and he pleaded his case in this hilarious statement: "The human element that brings the parties before the court is clear: greed, ingratitude and a grotesque sense of entitlement on the part of Campbell that, in her mind, justifies her doing anything she wants to do, including stealing her business partners' money and then lying about what happened."

All he had to say was: "Dear judge, if you don't throw this out, Naomi is going to throw me off a bridge. Here's a picture of my kids. Love, Naomi's lawyer".

The best part of the affidavit is that the Moodform people claim that Naomi backed out of an event, because she didn't want to walk up two flights of stairs and the venue's elevator was broken. HA.

You know, if I was Naomi Campbell I wouldn't want to walk up stairs, cross the street or take a bath in a room with electrical sockets. Bitch has more enemies than Gerard Butler has warts on his dick. It's a serious matter! One of her many arch rivals is always waiting for the perfect opportunity to push or trip her! Naomi should've made one of her minions carry her up the stairs.

Then again, if I was one of her minions I'd purposely break both my arms on the spot so I would have a valid excuse to NOT carry her ass. Carrying Naomi is the equivalent of carrying a shark on a skinny wooden plank over a pool of baby seals. Nothankyouverymuch!

You know that New York Times article where M.I.A. threw pieces of caca at Lady Gaga (that should be a nursery rhyme)? That article I tucked into bed last night and sang a sweet lullaby to? Well, apparently M.I.A. didn't love it as much as I did, because she has gone after Lynn Hirschberg, the writer of the article. The article wasn't exactly lapping up M.I.A.'s taint sweat, but it wasn't that bad either. M.I.A. doesn't agree and she Tweeted a cell phone number along with this tricky message:

CALL ME IF YOU WANNA TALK TO ME ABOUT THE N Y T TRUTH ISSUE, ill b taking calls all day bitches ;)

That shifty bitch tricked her followers into believing that they were calling her, but the phone number actually belongs to Lynn Hirschberg. Lynn told the Observer that she's not changing her number even though she finds the whole thing "infuriating":

"It's a fairly unethical thing to do, but I don't think it's surprising. She's a provocateur, and provocateurs want to be provocative. The messages have mostly been from people trying to hook up with M.I.A. If she wants to get together with John at Bard next week, I have his number."

Here I was about to declare M.I.A. our new reigning cuntress, and then she goes and Tweets one of her arch rival's numbers? That burn isn't even going to leave a mark! A cunt to the core would get revenge by fucking that bitch's boyfriend on her favorite dress. M.I.A. needs more Aaron Spelling in her life!

Or M.I.A. could've just thrown Lynn into Courtney Love's cage.

via Pitchfork

Oh, M.I.A. where have you and your cuntified tongue been all my life? I just want to miniaturize myself so that I can sit on M.I.A.'s bottom lip and give her words of cuntery a quick hug before they come flying out of her mouth.

Last month, the ever-so-crazy M.I.A. flicked Lady Gaga's urethra when she said she "isn't progressive." And in a new interview with The New York Times, M.I.A. once again yanked at Gaga's tuck with this:

“With our video, we were really copying ‘Telephone'. Both our videos are road movies. We kill people, and they kill people. They start out in a prison, and we start out in a squat, hunting people down...... I can’t talk about Gaga anymore. All I’ll say is, it’s upsetting when babies say ga-ga now. It used to be innocent. Now, they’re calling her name.

You can’t really say that Gaga is culturally a change. Madonna was truly unique."

Babies aren't calling Gaga's name when they say "ga ga." They are calling her name when they fart. WELL, M.I.A. started it! I'm just trying to follow the master.

At Time's Most Influential Gala in NYC on Monday night, Lea Michele spent most of the evening sucking on her boyfriend's mouth as though his throat was filled with pizza rolls or something delicious like that. During Lea's mouth fuck time with her boyfriend, celebrity photographer Patrick McMullan, who regularly shoots fancy events, started taking her picture. Lea gladly posed for him but then she pulled out her sharpened shank when he asked for her name. Somebody who was sitting at the same table tells Daily Intel that their conversation went like this:

Patrick McMullan: What’s your name?
Lea Michele: [Rolls eyes.] Sarah Palin.
Patrick McMullan: [Laughs.] No, really, tell me your name.
Lea Michele: Taylor Swift.
Patrick McMullan: Fuck you.

Lea and Patrick should really do that more often. They're good at it.

I don't know who I love more, Lea for being a condescending cunt for no reason or Patrick for telling her to fuck off (which is what she was in the middle of doing before he rudely interrupted her). Even if Lea told him her real name, Patrick would still have to Google her (you dumb fuck) to get a clue or two.

That being said, Lea needs to give us more of this. More of this! The world could always use more acts of cuntery. Naomi Campbell should take this girl under her wing and show her how the professional cunts do it.

On The View today, Elisabeth Hasselcrack said that she was immediately overcome with the sads shortly after she made a joke about Dancing with the Has-Beens' Erin Andrews during yesterday's show. Elisabeth, who basically only wore a bandanna on Survivor, joked that Erin's stalker/peeping tom could have saved himself some jail time if he would've just waited a few weeks to see her half-nude on DWTS.

Elisabeth regretted making that crack and she shuffled home with a sad face on. When Elisabeth got home she went into her room to spill her heart out to her Glenn Beck doll, but he was at the cleaners so she had to confide in her 9-month-old son. He's a good listener.

Unfortunately, he kept farting while Elisabeth was trying to talk, so she went off to cry into the ear of her 5-year-old daughter Grace. Elisabeth told Grace that she was weepy because she hurt Erin's feelings. Grace rolled her eyes and told Elisabeth to shut the hell up and call Erin to apologize if she regrets it so much. Elisabeth did just that and also offered up a public apology. The clip is above and it's kind of hilarious.

Erin didn't say whether or not she accepted Elisabeth's apology, but she did say this to People: “It was a slap in the face to victims of stalking and sexual predators. As a mother and a woman, I’m disappointed she went there.”

Since Erin feels that it was a slap in the face to victims everywhere, it's only fair that the victims get to slap Hasselcrack back. Line 'em up!

Some people meditate, do yoga stuff or volunteer at a children's orphanage to feel whole again, but personally nothing hugs my soul like inhaling a Naomi Campbell "cunt moment" like the one above.

During an interview with Nightline, Naomi the Terrible drizzled heaping amounts of shank eye, thank you very muches and condescending nods all over a reporter who asked her about a blood diamond allegedly given to her by the evil war monster Charles Taylor. Naomi denied the allegations and refused to go into detail.

When Naomi "up and downed" the reporter with her eyes, I thought the orchid in the background was going to shrivel up and die. Naomi was thisclose to getting blood on her diamond ring by punching that reporter in the mouth. For real.

Stay for the end of the video where Naomi throws her signature supermodel uppercunt at a producer's camera. Thankyouverymuch.

via ABC News

This picture of Joan Rivers melting in NYC today paired with this quote she gave to Closer Magazine is getting me drunk. It's like a hilarious cocktail followed by a cunt chaser. It will get you drunk too, so tell your designated driver they are officially on-call. Open up, and drink up, you whore pit viper:

"Victoria Beckham is so nasty. Why doesn't she just go home?! Her dresses are beautiful, but I don't care what she does. She's mean to all the people around her. She's too short to be a diva. We all use the same hairdressers, make-up artists, limo-drivers and greeters at the airports in LA and nobody has anything nice to say about her. They say she's rude. She can't always just be having a bad day. Victoria Beckham should get a life. I am not a fan of outrageous consumption. I think it is vulgar.

And no-one should flaunt that they have a hundred Hermes bags. Not when people are starving. Everyone should be allowed to have a great time but she shows a distinct lack of class. I dislike Victoria Beckham. The entitlement - the total entitlement. You want to say, 'Calm down, you were a Spice Girl.' The arrogance when she walks into a room is astonishing."

Image via INFDaily.com - Quote via SMH (Does Not Stand For "Shaking My Head")

Remember how American figure skater Evan Licecheck won Olympic gold over Russia's Evgeni Plushenko? Remember how Plushie kicked Licecheck in the crotch bone by saying that only real gold medal champions do quad jumps? Remember all that? Well, it's getting better!

Plushie still refuses to accept that a silver medal is hanging around his neck. Plushie's ego magically gave birth to something called a platinum medal! Over on Plushie's official website, it shows that he won a silver in Salt Lake (true), a gold in Torino (again, true), and a platinum in Vancouver. HA! Platinum kills gold every time, so the joke is on Licecheck! Plushie REALLY showed him.

All jokes aside, Plushie is telling the truth. Plushie is the 2010 Olympic platinum medal champion in Cuntness. Raise Russia's flag and bow down!

via HuffPo