The Gosselins

Kate Gosselin recently admitted that her cabbage patch hasn't been watered (blunt talk: hasn't been fucked) in 15 months. That pretty much explains everything. Well, Kate is looking to jump start her chocha, and she wants Jeff Goldblum or The Hoff to provide the cable. When you topple over from laughing so hard, make sure to break your fall with a potted plant. A lesson from Hailey Glassman.

A source tells Popeater that Kate thinks dating a celebrity will make her even more famous, "Kate is serious about going Hollywood and thinks dating a celebrity is a great idea. When Kate sees how Tom Cruise changed Katie Holmes life, it became clear that she needed to do the same. Obviously, she knows she's not yet ready to date a George Clooney, but she thinks she would be the perfect partner for a Jeff Goldblum or someone like David Hasselhoff."

The only man Kate should see on a regular basis is a psychiatrist who has the patience of a toilet and nerves as strong as Vadge's clitoris. I mean, if Kate dated The Hoff, he would most likely take her child army with him to the bar for booze and burgers. Does Kate want a bunch of alcoholic toddlers running around the place?

Actually, Kate's 8 probably gets as much booze as they want already. They just have to stroll into a bar and say, "My mother is Kate Gosselin." A ROUND FOR EVERYBODY! Grab the keg, because a bottle needs filling!

And Jeff Goldblum? I've already seen that movie and I don't need an encore. Seriously, Kate Gosselin and Jeff Goldblum having sex would look like that scene in The Fly where he barfs on that dude's hand and it disintegrates down to the bone:

You know, I think Kate Gosselin having sex with anyone looks like this.

Tony Dovoloni's testicles are breathing a million sighs of relief this morning, because they longer have to suffer through their owner plucking their hairs out one by one to keep from choking Kate Gosselin's neck during rehearsals. That's because Kate was voted out of Dancing with the Has-Beens last night after landing in the bottom 2 with Pamela Anderson.

Yes, Pamela Anderson was in the bottom 2! I know Pamela is used to being on the bottom, but this wasn't right. Pamela is not only one of the best thrusters on the show, but she's also always dressed like a Russian drag queen on a budget which is always a good thing. And you know Evan Lysacek has to dig deep to not step out whenever Tom Bergeron calls out the bottoms. He clenches like he's never clenched before.

Anyways, Kate wiped away her glycerin tears as she gave her finale speech to the judges and the audience. At the exact same time in Pennsylvania, Kate's child army also cried because they realized their mother is coming back home. No, they really cried tears of joy, because their tiny fingers can finally get a break from working the "VOTE FOR KATE" call center every week.

Below is Kate turning on the weepies after getting eliminated. And I think this is the first time in WEEKS that Tony actually has a real boner. The thought of being free of Kate made his peen perk up and celebrate.

If your inbox kept shutting down yesterday like Aretha Franklin's digestive system at an all-you-can-eat Korean BBQ buffet, then it was probably because it got Kate Gosselin's mass e-mail and refused to partake in her fuckery. Even your Norton Virus protection put up its hands, refused to touch it and screamed, "Not doing it. You'll have to bareback this one."

Life & Style got a hold of the e-mail Kate sent to all her friends (She has those?) before last night's episode of Dancing with the Has-Beens. In the e-mail, Kate begs everyone to pass her plea for votes to all their friends. This shit isn't that big of a deal since I'm sure all the contestants do crap like this, but it's funny that Kate continues to blame the media for why she has the dancing skills of an old wheezy paraplegic goat.

Here's Kate stomping her way through "Don't You Forget About Me" in a tribute (insert side-eye from Angel John Hughes here) to The Breakfast Club last night. Fun fact: "Don't you forget about me" is also what Kate texts to every tabloid reporter, entertainment show producer and paparazzo on a weekly basis.

My favorite part is when Kate said she's soooooo tired because her 8 chirruns came to visit her. When she's not blaming all of us, she's blaming THE CHILDREN! Somebody slap her in the mouth with a Pixie Stix and Cap'n Crunch sandwich.

And now it's time for our weekly cunt fest about Kate Gosselin's awkward non-dancing on Dancing for Relevancy! Last night, Kate's tortured partner Tony, who obviously was a kitten killing Nazi in a past life, had to teach her the tango. Kate just couldn't focus on the steps because she was too busy internally dealing with being Kate Gosselin: THE MOST IMPORTANT AND POPULAR WOMAN ALIVE!!!

For serious, Kate actually bitched that she HAS to check her computer every morning to see what the tabloids are writing about her that day. Kate, I'll tell you what my mother told me the last time I complained about barfing up all my internal organs after a night of binge boozing. My mother said to me, "Then stop drinking so much, you idiot!" So if Kate doesn't want to be barfed on, she needs to put the bottle down (aka stop inviting tabloid reporters over for tea and sympathy in the form of a "woe is me" cover story).

Anyway, Kate wasn't as terrible as last week, but that's really not saying much. Kate still dances like she's simultaneously holding in a fart, a queef and a sneeze. While watching Tony drag Kate around the dancefloor, I couldn't help but think of the dudes down in the subway who salsa dance with dummies for coins. Except this dummy has more rhythm and doesn't make you want to tear your ear holes off:

And speaking of wig-wearing dummies, guess who was in the audience last night:

How in the hell did Kim Zolciak get front row, but the hot memaw behind her got second row? The world continues to boggle my mind.

Once Kate Gosselin finishes terrorizing millions with her zombie dance of doom on Dancing with the Never-Wases, she will return to TLC in not one but two new projects. The shiny sparkle on this butt nugget is that Jon Grosselin is not in either show. Yup, so Jon needs to keep spit shining Christian Audigier's crotch raisins, because he has lawyer bills to pay!

USA Today brings us the news that Kate will star in the vommy titled show Twist of Kate. It gets worse. Kate will travel the country (TO THE SAFE HOUSE!!!) and visit the homes and workplaces of everyday people to walk a mile "in their shoes."

Does Kate take requests? Because I think we would all like to see her in the shoes of a pirate who is about to walk the plank. Or the shoes of a steak about to be thrown into the lion cage at the zoo (don't tell Kate that steaks don't wear shoes). Or the shoes of Tommy Girl's proctologist. Or the shoes of a Jennifer Aniston impersonator at a Brangeloonie convention. Etc.. etc...

Kate had this to say about her new show, "I want to be out there learning from others, helping to provide insight whenever I can, though I don't consider myself an expert on anything."

In addition to Twist of Kate, she will also co-star in a series of Kate Plus 8 specials with the child army.

Twist of Kate will debut on TLC in the Summer along with Sarah Palin's Alaska. So if you ever want to know what it feels like to laugh, cry and dry heave at the exact same time just turn on TLC in the Summer.

And by "outdo" herself, I mean "outsuck" herself. On last night's Dancing with the (make quote fingers) Stars, Kate Gosselin chose to stomp and stumble to "Paparazzi," because she says she can't leave her house without them swarming around her. If Mady Gosselin were here, she'd tell you that her mom can't leave the house without speed-dialing the paparazzi 15-minutes beforehand.

As expected, Kate was so terrible last night that all you could do was laugh. Just like all you can do is laugh when your construction worker uncle who suffers from fecal incontinence tries to do the Macarena at a wedding. I mean, even Frankenstein's monster has more grace than this. IT'S NOT ALIVE!!!!:

In totally related news, Jon Grosselin will file papers in court asking for primary custody of the child army, as well as spousal support from Kate. Jon will argue that Kate is hardly around to raise the kids since she's off embarrassing herself again on national TV. Jon says that Dancing with the Stars is hurting his kids.

While I agree that Kate's dancing causes damage to anybody with two semi-working eyeballs, Jon shouldn't be in charge of raising a dehydrated turd let alone 8 living children. Obviously, Kate's old possum head should raise the kids.

Unfortunately, I'm lying in my title. This story isn't about Jon Gosselin, but it might be about Kate's former rabid possum friend since they recently parted ways. What a tragic tale. It went from being on the top of the cunt world to being a drunk man's roadside play thing. RIP. E! better devote an entire True Hollywood Story to Kate's possum.

A 55-year-old drunktard was arrested and charged with public intoxication after cops spotted him trying to give mouth-to-mouth to a dead possum lying on the side of the road. Some witnesses think that the drunk mess was trying to conduct some sort of seance around the possum. Bitch thinks he's Miss Jeanette or some shit.

Others think he was trying to give the possum mouth-to-mouth. The police say he did have his mouth near the possum's mouth.

In all seriousness, since when is it illegal to try to save one of God's good creatures?! This is an atrocity! The drunk savior was trying to give the possum LIFE! Or maybe he was trying to eat the bits of trash pizza stuck in the possum's teeth? Who knows, but he shouldn't have been arrested, he should've been celebrated!

If this happened in another part of the country (I'm not naming names), the cops would have never put him in handcuffs. They would've formed a circle jerk around his possum party and threw wooden coins at him.

Here's possum-abandoner Kate Gosselin shuffling around her town like everything is roses and her old friend IS NOT dead on the side of a road. Shame. Shame. SHAME!

Kate Gosselin's rabid possum has been MIA for a while now, but I have been making pathetic excuses for its absence. I refused to believe the tragic truth, but it looks like it's finally time to say goodbye. It's really the end of an era, which kind of feels like the end of a bowel movement.

Hopefully, one of us will cross paths with Kate's rabid possum in the future. Make sure to wink at it if you see it going through your trash cans early in the morning. And throw it a half-smile when you run into it in the waiting room of your therapist's office. It will be there a lot. We must never forget.

Here's the former Queen of the Possums showing off her new hair in NYC last night. Apparently, it took them 7-hours to give her a helmet version of Carol Channing's glorious mop. Yes, 7 HOURS! Supercuts could've made her look like "a Southern 40-something divorcee who is forced to work as a hair salon receptionist" in about 10-minutes.

During Hailey Glassman's interview with the prestigious Steppin' Out...Of The Port-A-Potty At A Warrant Concert Magazine, she said that her ex-boyfriend Jon Grosselin is "hung like a 9-year-old boy" and his peen is about 3 inches long. Kate Major, who also took a ride on Jon's button mushroom, co-signs Hailey's claim to Life & Style Magazine. Yes, it has come to this. We are talking in detail about Jon Gosselin's dick. Do you think it's too late for me to sign-up for classes at DeVry?

Anyababyhamstercoulddeepthroatjon, Kate says, "Jon was pretty boring and nothing exciting. I'm surprised he's so 'cocky' because down there he's not." Kate also said that she and Hailey would laugh about Jon's dick all the time.

Okay, Jon might have a dick that looks like half a piece of canned baby corn that has been left by the side of the road and pecked at by pigeons, but those two dumb bitches licked on it numerous times! Their clits had sword fights with Jon's fetus dick (and their clits won) plenty of times! So who is the small penis now?

And do you think sucking on Jon's dick is like sucking on one Bai Ling's nipples? On that note, I'm off to DeVry.com!

Here's the voice of all mothers Kate Gosselin looking as precious as a pimp at church on the cover of her THIRD book. Don't you just want to softly stroke her Bret Michaels weave before yanking it out in pieces to tie around her mouth and hands? I think that's what Kate was going for.

People reports that Kate's new book I Just Want You to Know: Letters to My Kids on Fame, Money and that asshole Jon comes out on April 13th. The book will feature Kate's prayers, selections from her personal journal and letters to her kids. Kate explains:

"Each day the thought crosses my mind that when they get older, my kids are going to look back and think about how they were raised. I know they will have a lot of questions about things that may not make sense because they were raised so unconventionally. I don’t want them to grow up and wonder; I want them to know without a shadow of a doubt how much I love them and how much every sacrifice made was worth it for them."

Touching. But what's even more touching is one of Kate's letters to her baby friends:

Dear my adorable money makers childrens,

Why the fuck are you reading this?! Stop dicking around and go make that money! Back alley weaves don't come cheap! Smile really purdy for the cameras too.

Oh, and get momma a cold bottle of Evian. COLD!

Love and Possum Whispers,
Your Boss

Kate's kids will be able to read their mother's letters to them when they save up enough money to go down to the local Barnes & Nobles to buy a copy of her book. Sorry kids, no complimentary copies for you!