Possum Head

On last night's Q&A episode of Cunt & Cunt Plus Cunt, Kate Gosselin answered viewers' questions about all sorts of crap. One person asked Kate what she was planning to do with herself once her reality show ends. Kate said that she would love to see herself on a gigantic movie screen. Not since Paranormal Activity.....

Kate said, “My career goals, believe it or not…I’ve discovered that I’ve done enough years of TV that I feel like it’s a normal, natural, comfortable place. I would love to be in a movie at some point. I would love to be the voice of a cartoon character in a movie for my kids. I think that would be fun.”

The producers of the new Predators movie should pucker up to Kate, because who needs to spend all their dollars on CGI and rubber costumes when you've the real thing?

But seriously, we all know that Kate's possum head is the real actor here. And it seems that we're just about due for a Cujo remake. It's in the stars!

VIA Radar Online

No, your prayers that Jon & Kate get sucked into a gateway to hell have not yet been answered. They are still roaming the earth, and they are still fighting like they are on a Chinatown bus in San Francisco. Seriously, The Fight Queen of Muni needs to drop kick both of these foolios.

Anyway, Kate has filed papers claiming that she needs both spousal and child support since Jon cleared their joint account of over $200,000. Kate took Jon to court earlier this week for snatching the cash, but the hearing date was pushed back after the judge's wife died. So now she's going to after him another way. Kate's lawyer told People, "She needs relief in light of the draining of substantial marital assets in violation of the arbitrator's decision that the money should be used only for specific purposes." A hearing has been set for Tuesday.

It sounds to me like Kate needs to pull an Angela Bassett in Waiting to Exhale and hold an "Everything Must Go" yard sale. I'm sure there's plenty of mid-life crisis-having ex-frat boys who would love to buy Jon's old embroidered button-down shirts, studded jeans, empty bottles of Axe body spray and Ed Hardy ass lip clamps.

And this is what Sethe from Beloved thinks about this whole situation (WARNING: You might want to use the facilities and put on a diaper before watching):

You see what the Gosselins do to Oprah?!

VIA Videogum

Jon Gosselin raided the joint bank account of $230,000, so what's a possum head to do? Go on the Today show and blab about it, of course! Really, we know more shit about Jon & Kate than we know about ourselves. We've been to Jon & Kate, but we've never been to us. DAMN THEM! DAMN ME!

Anyway, this morning, Kate Gosselin tried to cry possum tears while saying that she can't sleep or pay any of the bills thanks to Jon snatching all of their liquid assets. Kate didn't seem surprised that Jon ran off with their money, because he's been spending their cash on crap shit (i.e. Ed Hardy maxi-pads and booze). Kate also said that the child army loves to have cameras up in their lives at all times. When Kate told them they had to stop filming for now, they all burst into tears. They were probably crying, because they knew they would be alone with her ass for the weekend.

The next time you see Kate and the child army they will probably be in line at the welfare office begging for food stamps and government cheese. Kate & 8 Plus Government Assistance.

Kate Gosselin isn't going to let a maxi-pad in Ed Hardy rags get in the way of money pouring into her checking account each week. After Jon had a tantrum in the form of a letter to TLC telling them to stop shooting his kids or he'll devour them whole (he will), Kate made her pet possum transcribe her own statement. While reading Kate's statement, picture an angry possum typing away at an old timey typewriter. It'll make it a lot more entertaining:

"I'm saddened and confused by Jon's public media statements. Jon has never expressed any concerns to me about our children being involved in the show and, in fact, is on the record as saying he believes the show benefits our children and was taping on Friday with the kids."

"I check in regularly with each of the kids to be sure they want to participate in and continue with the show and will continue to do so. I do the show for my family because I believe it provides us opportunities we wouldn't otherwise have. Jon used to share that belief until as recently as the day the network announced the name change of the show and indicated that Jon would have a lesser role in the show. It appears that Jon's priority is Jon and his interests. My priority remains our children and their well-being."

A simple "FUCK OFF JON" would've achieved the same effect and had less wear and tear on the poor possum's paws.

And by "check in regularly with each of the kids," she means that she denies them water until they tap and smile for the cameras! Sing louder, child army! Mama's got a possum to feed!

The ratings for Douche & Kunt Plus Hate are at their lowest ever, so it's no surprise that TLC is trying to save the sinking possum by making major changes. They announced that they are divorcing Jon Gosselin (sort of) and will now focus on Kate.

Starting this November, Jon & Kate Plus Eight will become Kate Plus Eight. I guess they didn't like my idea of calling it The Possum Hour of Cuntness. Boo on them. They issued this statement:

"The program will continue to capture the incredible lives of the eight Gosselin children and their family but will now include a deeper focus on Kate’s role in the family and her journey as a single mother building the next chapter in her life. TLC will continue its exclusive relationship with Jon Gosselin and he will continue to appear on the show, but on a less regular basis.

Given the recent changes in the family dynamics, it only makes sense for us to refresh and recalibrate the program to keep pace with the family. The family has evolved and we are attempting to evolve with it; we feel that Kate’s journey really resonates with our viewers. Additionally the network is in development on a Kate project for 2010”

Basically, Jon is going to be a special guest star in his children's lives.

While I think it was a good idea for TLC to temporarily remove the tampon known as Jon from their vag hole, I think they should fire the child army too. This show should only focus on Kate's acts of cuntness. They should put her in situations that really bring the cunt hurricane out of her. You know, send her to the DMV, get her hairdresser to accidentally shave off her rabid possum head or randomly throw Hailey Glassman in Kate's line of fire.

The show can also touch on her rabid possum's dark and dysfunctional childhood. That's the shit we (aka just me) want to see.

Jon Grosselin said he had to send his two doggy friends back to the breeder because Kate just didn't have the time to take care of their asses when he was busy slobbering on anything with nipples. In defense of Kate, working that famewhore stroll, making the nannies consider suicide and feeding her own possum head is already three full-time jobs. When asked about it at the Southern Women's Show in Charlotte, NC last week, Kate said that she just needed a break from them and they will be back whether they like it or not. Cut to Jon's dogs making giant sad faces.

Kate said, "He called the breeder and took them back for a short period of time. I'm feeling like I have not enough time to take care of my kids, let alone give the dogs what they need, and the kids surprisingly weren't that upset about it. They'll come back I'm sure at some point. But for now, I just needed a break."

Queefed like a true cunt. YES.

The Gosselin child army should always keep a packed bag under their bed for when Jon and Kate need a break and have to temporarily send them back to the IVF factory.

Kate also told a joke about how crazy the dogs are, "They sleep in a metal crate... a huge metal crate. They bent the bars and got out. I think in the winter I'm going to have them pull the kids in a sleigh." Oh, Kate, the dogs pulled a Hulk on the bars, because they were trying to get away from the madness (and your rabid possum head).

Since Keyboard Cat is still hungover from the weekend (yeah, he's an E! True Hollywood Story in the making), I'm going to ask the Riverdance Dog to tap Kate off. Tappity-tap-tap her off, RD!

VIA Radar

Yesterday, Planet Earth almost rolled into the sun after millions flipped out (not really) over Kate Gosselin's new wavy possum hair. The possums of the world were about to hold a candlelight vigil for their fallen brother, but they don't have to do that now that everything is back to normal. Kate left her hotel in NYC this morning with her possum head looking fried and frazzled as usual.

In other Kate news, Radar reports that The Possum Hour of Cuntness is coming to TV very soon. Kate is not only in NYC to be a guest co-host on The View, but she's also working on her own TV show with Paula Deen. Apparently, the show is based on the website Mom Logic. Kate, Paula and other hosts will barf about everything from gossip to healthy and beauty (CHOKE!) tips to advice for moms. The pilot will shoot later this month.

Kate has the interview skills of a toilet paper roll, so her show should be interesting (it will suck). Anybody who watched her ass on The View knows what I'm talking about. If this Mom Logic show requires a lot of head nodding, foot shaking and cunt grins, then Kate will be the star of that shit. However, if it requires actually making points, then Kate better try to steal a vial of Diane Sawyer's essence or she's in trouble.

The master cuntress, Kate Gosselin, went on The View today displaying a wavier possum on her head. Kate said that the hairstylists backstage wanted to try something different. Kate needs to stop with the lie-telling. That's not what happened.

Kate's possum was chilling backstage, minding its own business when Sherri Shepherd decided to once again flaunt her Tasmanian Devil body in a one-piece. After reading about Daisy Simpson get snatched by coyotes this morning, Kate's possum hissed out of fright and busted into a seizure. That explains why it looks like it's trying to jump off and run into the park. Who knows if it will ever be the same again. Hopefully, it will go back to normal when Kate feeds it a piece of Jon's nutstack root while singing her rendition of "The Possum Song."

Well, it looks like TLC can officially change the title of Jon & Kate Plus 8 to Jon H8s Kate, because he announced this breaking news on the second part of his interview with Good Morning America today. In the first part of his interview, Jon said Kate treated him like a lame fish. Now he's accusing her of stealing his wedding ring (SPOILER ALERT: Her possum head ate it) and says he despises her ass! And Jon didn't stop there. He cries that Kate beat him up emotionally, constantly abused him verbally and is the reason why their marriage turned to shit.

Jon is even biting at Kate for not barfing up everything to the media and keeping some things to herself. Really, Jon doesn't hold back. Seriously, give a man his nuts back and he will go WILD.

Jon said, "Our relationship will never be fixed. I don't trust her anymore. I was abused ... I was beaten down ... I'm not going back to that lifestyle. She knows the truth. I wish to God, she would speak from emotions ... She's not speaking from the heart. Please -- the stuff you tell me in private should be the stuff you tell me on TV."

And Jon went to mouth queef about the day he finally pulled his nuts out of his ass and stood up to Kate's rabid possum, "In 10 years, I've never gone out ... When she said, 'I don't want you going out,' I ... I used to say, 'OK, I'm not going to go out.' I was very passive. This is the first time I said, 'You know what? I want to see my friends. I'm going out. That was the first time in my life I ever stood up to Kate ... I just felt like I had to take back some time in my life, and I did it. And I felt really good. I made my own decision ... I was beaten down for so long, I couldn't even make my own decision. And when I did, I was like, holy cow! You know? Yeah, what's she gonna do? Divorce me? All right. Obviously. You know."

According to Jon, he went to counseling by himself and tried to drag Kate along, but she refused to go. And finally, he ended with, "I just want to let the world know that I'm a real person with feelings. OK, I've made mistakes. Maybe it wasn't the best idea to go out to the clubs. But we all learn from mistakes, except mine are public."

When is Kate going to stick a pacifier in his mouth, throw a diaper on his ass and throw him in a playpen. We're all sick of Jon's wawawa-ing over and over again. So, his wife was a cunt to him and belittled his ass until his nutsuck busted out of there for greener pastures. SO WHAT! Jon just needs to move on already and continue to drown his sorrows in douche juice and meth brows. And I should take my own advice...sans the douche juice part. I break out in hives whenever I get near Ed Hardy shit.

Here's a few pictures of tourists visiting Pennsylvania's #1 attraction: The Gosselin Zoo!

Master douchemeister Jon Grosselin says his memaw is doing fine after she busted her ass in the driveway yesterday. An ambulance was called, Granny Gosselin was taken to the hospital and Jon later Tweeted that she is going to be okay. Granny Gosselin was there visiting the child army. Kate Gosselin was not there at the time, because it was Jon's day with the kids.

Hmm...Granny Gosselin just happened to fall in the driveway? Something in the milk ain't clean. I'm thinking Jon came outside in yet another Ed Hardy t-shirt and granny couldn't take it anymore. I know that I fall on the ground every time I see Jon's DDs stuffed into a doucherag. It's his fault.

Or maybe, just maybe, Granny Gosselin was wearing one of her grandson's "totally sick awesome" (his words) Ed Hardy caps and Kate's rabid possum clawed at her thinking she was Jon. Naw, let's go with the first one.