Nick Jonas has pulled his dusty purity cock ring from the storage box under his bed and Delta Goodrem no longer has to worry about leaving the bar early after her teenage piece gets carded, because they have ended their love after 9 months together. It's always a sad day for real love when two publicists can't renegotiate a relationship contract. Delta is busy pushing red buttons as a judge in Australia's The Voice and Nick is poppin' his bubble butt on Broadway, so they just don't have time to hold hands in staged photo-ops anymore. Delta's rep released this statement to EVERYONE including The Herald Sun in Australia this morning:
"Nick and Delta have decided to mutually end their relationship. At this point in time, they are both focused on their careers as they go on different paths. They remain friends and wish each other the best for the future."
Somewhere that one Blind Item is re-enacting MiserAlba's "I CAN ALMOST SEE AGAIN!!" scene from the Oscar-winning classic The Eye, because it has partial vision now that half of it has been solved. As for the other part of that blind item, my ass guessed it's Joel Madden, but some put Seal's name in the guess box. Who ever it is, is one lucky dude with a smiley face asshole. That's if Delta Goodrem lives up to her last name, anyway. I know, Delta's last name is pronounced "Good Rem," but that's not how my dirty ass sees it. Spread your cheeks, flare your b-hole, stick your head in the gutter and say it with me now: Delta GOOD RIM! I'd hit it (after running my no-no under the faucet, of course)!
Both Brenda Song and Hilary Duff's wombs are full of sacrifices to Mickey Mouse, so Kevin Jonas said on Access Hollywood Live (via WFP) the other day that he's starting to feel the pressure from hos to produce an heir to the Disney throne with his wife of over a year (YES, they are still married, believe it or not) Danielle Deleasa.
Even though Kevin and Danielle sleep in completely different rooms, he says they're going to start making babies....as soon as they realize how babies are made. I'm not going to spoil it for Kevin. That's a touchy conversation for Mickey Mouse to have with Kevin when he busts into a panic attack meltdown after a boy on the playground tells him that the Birds and the Bees is not about a cartoon bird and a cartoon bee. (Side note: I was really disappointed when I found out that the Birds and the Bees was not a story about a damn fucking bird and a damn fucking bee).
Kevin put it like this:
"It's that point now where people are just like, 'Ok, so you've been married, when are you gonna have a kid?'
We've started to realize we might become those weird dog people. We have our two dogs, so we don't want to be those weird dog people, so maybe we're headed there sooner than we thought.
It's going to be part of our journey very soon, but not right now, exactly."
Weird dog people?! What does Kevin's ass mean by that?
Is a weird dog person the kind of bitch who while he was eating a pear on the couch last night, chewed a little piece off for his chihuahua who kept staring at him with the eyes of a starving Ethiopian child? Is a weird dog person the kind of bitch who when it rains, holds an umbrella over his shitting dog and doesn't care that a drop of pomade water stung his eyeball? Is a weird dog person the kind of bitch who performs a remake of Cliffhanger every night by hugging the edge of the bed, because he wants to give his dog as much sprawling room as possible? Is a weird dog person the kind of bitch who when he goes out of town, calls the boarder and asks them to put his dog on the phone so he can let his pooch know that he hasn't forgotten about him? Is a weird dog person the kind of bitch who wouldn't even be mad if his dog ate his face off after he dropped dead in his apartment, because he knows a ho has to eat?
Okay, just making sure, so I know exactly what to tell people after they give me a WTF? look when I say that I can't go out because I have to make my dog a birthday cake out of whole wheat flour and shredded carrots (true story).
But seriously, Kevin needs to stop. Both he and Danielle instantly became creepy dog people as soon as they started dating each other.
All the goo goo ga ga-ing gossip amongst Beliebers around the diaper genie this morning was about Bieber Degeneres kissing on Selena de Rossi right after he beat out Kanye West for the most talented singing infant award at last night's BMAs. This is not the first time that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez touched mouths in front of a camera! And this time they did it in front of his mother while Selena wore a low-budget version of Demi Moore's ho dress from Indecent Proposal! Maybe I grew up in a prude bubble, but when I was 17 I barely touched my boyfriend's hand in front of my mom. This is not how your mother is supposed to find out that your raging hormones have officially taken over.
She's supposed to find out when she walks by his bedroom door and hears the frightening sounds of slurping and the murmurs of such sweet nothings like, "No, I think it goes in that one." Then she's supposed to run to her bathroom and collapse in tears on her shaggy bath mat over realizing that the innocent baby who came out of her vagina is now cumming in his girlfriend's vaginaaaaaaah! After the rage burns off her tears, she grabs a bottle of Windex, picks the lock on her son's bedroom door with a wire hanger and sprays both of them while covering her eyes and screaming about how she doesn't want to be a young grandma! As his little girlfriend runs out of the house half-nekkid, mom lets him know that they aren't allowed to see each other again or she'll delete his Black Ops game and he'll have to start all over again.
That's how it's supposed to go. How dare Justin Bieber rob his mother of such an important moment!
Besides Justin's mom, here's who witnessed young gross love in action last night: Taylor Swift, Nicki Minaj, Fergie, Ke$ha, Nicole Kidman, Keith Urban, DOWNTOWN JULIE BROWN!, Joe Jonas, Pedolena Gomez and Bieber with a golden dildo.
Kevin Jonas has to sleep in a separate room from his wife Danielle due to his coma-waking snoring (aka his boyfriend's a screamer) and they probably haven't kissed each other on the lips more than 2 seconds since the time she wore strawberry lip chap (Kevin won't fall for that trick again!!!!), but their marriage made it to the one year mark! YES, one year without Kevin getting caught by the cops with a twink nom nom-ing on his nip under his cardigan in the rambles! That is an accomplishment and calls for a celebration! And hell did they celebrate....by staying in the suite at Cinderella's Castle at Disney World in Florida. Well, Kevin stayed in the suite, but Danielle had take her ass to the Ramada down the street due to that pesky ass snoring problem.
But in all seriousness, I can't believe they made it to a year. The secret to their everlasting love must be to SHARE EVERYTHING...including sweaters.
Sometimes it's really the little things in life, or in this case the little circumcised HARD things. CallUsFreaks (via ONTD) posted this priceless picture of Joe Jonas getting closer to a fertility statute in the duty free shop of some airport while Ashley Greene was outside trying to flag down a few paps, or something. You know, when you're walking through a duty free shop and your eyes land on a stone dick, it is your obligation to tickle its nuts while dry banging your culo with the other hand. It just is, so Joe Jonas is totally following protocol.
And here's a few pictures of Ashley and Joe strolling through LAX yesterday. You know Joe is totally thinking about the duty free fertility statue he shared an intimate moment with. Hey, whatever gets you through a photo-op.
As your ass already knows, one of Mickey Mouse's prized pieces 18-year-old Demi Lovatooooooo is in a treatment center to deal with "emotional and physical issues." This we know. Some others things we know is that there's a dozen blind items that suggest the inside of Demi's nose looks like the Snow Miser's lair and that she might be a cutter and that she was bullied in a bad way in school. Well, a source tells E! News that the latter two are among the issues she's trying to work out in treatment.
Demi has openly talked about how she left junior high school to be home schooled, because a group of bullies kept shitting all over her life. The source says this is what led to Demi cutting herself. And if this isn't after school special enough for you, the source also added that Demi suffers from bulimia.
Demi was sort of able to hold everything together with an extra-thin rubber band, but apparently that shit ripped apart at an airport in Peru this past Saturday. Demi was in the middle of the South American leg of her tour with the Jonas Bros. when she delivered a meltdown worthy of a very special episode of Full House. Demi got into it with a back-up dancer and then she went after Joe Jonas' newest beard Ashley Greene. A source explains, "She just lost it right at the airport in front of everyone. The [Jonases'] dad basically said right there, 'That's it. You're going home.' "
That Ashley Greene is totally that popular cunt from hell in junior high school who came up to me and asked what I was wearing to the winter dance since she didn't want to show up in the same dress as me. Fucking bitch. The sad part is, I actually laughed and wanted to give her a slow cap for getting me good. But seriously, I knew Ashley was the prickly cunt who broke the Disney ho's back!
Demi just needs to look into the mirror and tell herself that while she has a pair of thick eyebrows that could moisten a dehydrated Sharpie, her haters got a thirsty brow area that looks like a Chia pet that has been left in the sun too long. And at the end of the day, brows all that matters. This lady gets it.
Apparently, Kevin Jonas' parents haven't told him the birds and the bees yet, because he still thinks that you can make a baby with a girl by singing "Look Out For Mr. Stork" together in a private karaoke room.
Someone tells InTouch Weekly that they watched Kevin Jonas and his wife of 9-months Danielle Deleasa buy a pregnancy test at a Rite Aid in West Hollywood on September 16th. Maybe this witness saw Haylie Duff and a late-in-life lesbian with a perm buy an EPT together. That would make more sense.
A friend of Kevin and Danielle's had this to say about the pregnant test shit, “They’re mature for their age, and they want to start a family. They’d consider it a major blessing if Danielle was pregnant.”
More like it would be a major blessing for Danielle during divorce settlement negotiations. NO. That's just me being a bitter asshole again. If this is true, we should celebrate this wonderful news. It's still a beautiful gift.....even if Danielle only got knocked up by shoving Kevin's cum rag up her snatch after his visit with Corbin Fisher.
Broadway World says that the virgin moppet known as Nick Jonas will join the cast of Les Miserables in London for three weeks starting next month. And no, Nick is not playing that creepy singing boy urchin who reeks of dead bodies and burnt toe nails. No, Nick played that role when he was a kid. Instead he will play the part of the rebel student Marius. If you have no idea what I'm going on about, just mutter "gay" to yourself and go on to the next exhibit.
Cameron Mackintosh, the producer of Les Miz, had this to say about Nick joining the cast, "I went up to him at the closing night party in New York and told him he was terrific and hoped that one day he would return to play Marius. We've been in touch a lot and, of course, since then he has become this world-famous star. He and his father and I agreed that it would be great if he came and played Marius here in London."
That show is going to be a mess. And not only because fragile Nick is going to accidentally pre-cum every time he feels the vibrations from the moving turntable stage. No, it's going to be a mess because every crazed Jonas fangirl is going to act the fool in the audience. Screaming and creaming and shit. While you're trying to fill your soul with heartfelt song (that is the gayest thing I've ever typed and that's saying a lot), do you also want to fill your nostrils with the scent of cooch curd? The poor bitch who always sat next to me in high school during Anderson Cooper's Channel One news show knows what I'm talking about.
Kevin Jonas and his wife of 5 months Danielle are already sleeping in separate rooms like old people from the 1950s, and not because she's sick of the boys he brings home kicking her in the middle of the night. Apparently, Kevin's loud ass snoring keeps Danielle's ears twitching all night, so she has to sleep in the guest room.
A source tells InTouch, "Kevin and Danielle had never spent a night together until their wedding night, so she had no clue that he snores so loudly. She loves her husband, but now she sleeps in a guest room when he gets too noisy. They are still crazy about each other. But the snoring has become a big joke for their friends."
There's no need for Danielle to sleep in another room. Kevin's "snoring" is actually his throat wailing for a little peen and his nose howling for the sweet scent of a pair of musky balls. That's all! If Danielle wants to shut Kevin up, she just needs to shove a peencifier in his mouth. Then she can spoon with him all night long in silence. Marriage saved!
We all know that Joe Jonas' strut is a dangerous weapon that should be used with caution. When Joe's foot hits the streets, bitches hit the pavement. So I wonder how many gallons of soda came flying out of mouths and how many pairs of keys dropped when Joe Jonas stomped through Santa Monica Blvd. in West Hollywood yesterday. Joe probably didn't even notice a thing, because he was too busy singing "My smoothie brings all the hos to the yard" in his head.
Here's more of Joe Jonas and his trainer enjoying a cold beverage after working out at Muscle Beach. That is probably the gayest thing I've ever written (this minute).