Scene Stealers

In case you didn't notice the douchesicle hiding under that LOOKATME mask, it's devoted father and husband Pete Wentz famewhoring it like a pro while walking to the music studio. Pete thought he had this shot wrapped up, but little did he know that a kid behind him stole his moment by throwing a sideways V for Vagina sign.

Too bad Kathy Griffin wasn't driving by. She would've mistook Pete for an off-duty Oscar statute and immediately snatched him up. The world would be rid of Pete, because he'd be forever trapped in a glass cabinet over Kathy's toilet.

No, no, no, no, no....I'm not talking about the artist currently known as RiRi. I'm talking about the glittery gold goddess behind her! Homegirl is like a sexier, fresher, hotter version of Brooke Hogan! You know, if Brooke Hogan took her estrogen pills every day the way she's supposed to! The gold goddess is getting it. Even RiRi had to put on her sunglasses, because her eyes couldn't take the sunshiney rays beaming off of the gold beauty.

Here's Alien Princess RiRi with her little brother and the gold goddess outside of The Lion King on Broadway last night. RiRi styled her hair like Zazu just for the occasion. And apparently, the paps told RiRi about DJ AM's death, so that why she looks so shocked. Yes, the paps are the new Twitter.

I know you don't even see RiRi in this picture, because your eyes are firmly planted on the ravishing beauty in the middle. This goddess' beauty is so bright that RiRi has to put her shades on and look the other way. But RiRi should really face the brightness and take a good look, because this is how it's done.

Everything is perfect on this beauty from her "take me higher" eyebrows to her titty bib to the sparkly sperm (RPattz?) under her eyes. She's like Posh and Sporty Spice for the price of one. Ladies and gays, if you see this celestial being at a party, go ahead and leave, because you cannot compete!

To help you bring your heart rate back down from staring at perfection, I've added some more pictures of RiRi at her publicists' birthday party and also leaving Barney's earlier in the night.

Peep at the ole' blondie (in the Charlotte Russe jeans and Chinese Laundry wedges) in the background having a face seizure over Mischa Barton. My face is doing the same thing, because I can't believe that Mischa made such a sophisticated ensemble look like a common jizz rag! Just imagine the same dress on a 45-year-old (with fopa for days) graveyard-shift taxi dancer who will give you a sloppy handjob underneath the table for a Lottery Scratcher. ELEGANCE! That's who was meant to wear this dress! Not Mischa!

Although, the giant wet spot on the back of her dress is a nice touch. Bitch knows how to accessorize. I'll give her that.

Here's Mischa, fresh from the crazy ward, leaving a party in NYC last night.

Katherine Hagel posed for the paps outside of Letterman today in the finest dress Windsor Fashions has to offer. Look at Katherine thinking she has this. Bitch should've looked over her shoulder to make sure the coast was clear, because the glamorous piece in the background is stealing her shine!

Katherine can never compete with a matching dress AND headband. Somewhere in the world, a community theater production of The Real Housewives of New Jersey: The Musical is desperately looking for a Teresa Giudice and here she is! Katherine's scene stealer will have to drop her hairline a few inches to accurately portray Teresa, but other than that, she's the one!

P.S. - I don't want to take anything away from the gorgeous headband lady, but that brick wall even looks hotter than Hagel.

Jude Law's nipples? PRESENT! Jude Law's crotch bulge? PRESENT! Jude Law's new arm tattoos? PRESENT! Jude Law's hairline? Out sick...AGAIN.

Jude Law left a theater in London (where's he performing Hamlet) last night wearing something that he fished out of Adrien Brody or Michael Lohan's closet. At least you know what to get Jude for Xmas now: a gift certificate to International Male.

Methinks Jude was hoping his nipples would be the star of these pictures, but I can only give them second billing. Top billing goes to that hot bitch in the brown sweater/coat thing who could give a (NSFW) walrus' dick about Jude Law. If Jude Law's nipples started whistling "There's a Place in France" which made his crotch snake come out of hiding, she still wouldn't be impressed. I love her. There has to be a grouchy bitch in every crowd or else the crowd cannot exist.

As many of you hos already know, Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina held a press conference today where he admitted that he lied to his staff and wife after he disappeared for 5 days. Gov. Marky said he was hiking along the Appalachian Trail for 5 days, when in fact he was hiking all over his Argentinean mistress' coochie in Buenos Aires!!! Yeah, yeah, same old story. All politicians are sluts. There's plenty of willing peen in politics! Wait.... Maybe I'm in the wrong field...

Anyway, Gov. Marky laid it on thick today. Dude went on and on and on and on and on....and on. At one point, he pulled out that raw emotion and went for the gold! Unfortunately for Marky, his thunder was snatched by the bitches in the background! Look at the hos on the left! Those bitches are smiling like they are posing for their 4th grade class pictures! You can see the sunshine beaming out of their mouths! I was waiting for them to break into a hurricane of LOLs. The chick in the front is probably giving us a frozen smile, because if she doesn't, she would seriously laugh until she queefed her insides out. While he's breaking down, she's having a happy party on the inside! Bitch is hot.

Just for the record, I'd take a Chinatown bus all the way to Argentina and let him hit it. WELL!

The paparazzi needs to work on their priorities. They have an extra-spicy cinnamon stick right in front of them and they decide to follow Katie Price instead. We've all seen her leather-wrapped medicine balls over and over again. I want to get to know that nekkid Adonis with the long grain nipples (just let me believe) and the enticing bald spot. If Katie's eyes didn't get so horny for the cameras, she'd realize her dream man was sitting behind her in all his glory.

Unfortunately, here's more of Katie (and less of that fine piece) selling it for the paps on a nakey beach in Ibiza yesterday afternoon.

Lord of the Douchebags, John Mayer, left a club in Los Angeles last night with his t-shirt and face covered in lipstick kisses. John joked that he really scored. Yeah, I wouldn't consider going into the bathroom, putting lipstick on your mouth and then kissing your t-shirt all over as "scoring." And because John didn't bring enough dick-baggery to the streets of L.A., he broke out his Jacko moves.

Bitch looked more like Bubbles after having too much Jesus Juice. John really shouldn't have done that, because bitch was upstaged by some ho drunk ass ho in grey! John knew she was taking his sunshine, because he didn't even acknowledge her triflin' ass. The night belonged to HER! Skip to the 0:38 mark in the video below to witness her shameless fuckery:

While going through pictures of Christina Ricci and her colossal fiance strolling through Los Angeles, my eyes started flickering and automatically gazed upon the luscious beauty behind them stealing the shot. Be still my heart! Christina Ricci is thinking she got this picture, but little does she know that the scene was stolen by a hot piece with an afro bigger than her whole body! Afro lady is taking us higher! Sorry, Ricci. You could never compete with glamour like that.

Anyway, here's the Jolly Green Giant and Little Green Sprout leaving Arc Light Cinemas yesterday foolishly thinking they are the stars of the minute. NOT.