That title actually sounds a lot sexier than this story is, although pretty much everything Samuel L. Jackson does is damn sexy. In this particular case, Emmy winner Jake Hamilton is interviewing Quentin Tarantino and several of the Django Unchained cast members on his show Jake's Takes and everyone plays nice....until they get to SLJ and he breaks it off in dude's ass. Swooooooooon. It seems like every bitch from Sarah Silverman to Katt Williams can't shut up about how they feel about the use of the "N" word in Django, so Jake tried to ask Samuel what his take was.
The whole interview is above, but skip to the 13:56 mark to watch Jake wishing a hole the size of Kim K's ass would open up and whisk him away to a safer place, like oblivion.
Jake: Y'know There's been a lot of controversy surrounding the usage of the "N" word in this movie...
SLJ: No? Nobody? None? The word would be?
Jake: Oh, I don't want to say it.
Samuel yells at him to say it for almost a full minute, refusing to answer the question until he does, while Jake squirms in his chair like a first grader that has to pee pee. I don't blame his ass, but it's kind of funny.
Jake: I don't like...I don't wanna say it. Will you say it?
SLJ: No! Fuck no. That's not the same thing.
SLJ: You want to move on to another question?
Jake: Okay, okay awesome.
As Samuel turns to the camera and laughs his ass off (and never does answer the question), you can't help but wonder what would have happened if Jake DID say it. I'm thinking Sam L would have pulled a Jules from Pulp Fiction on his ass and he knew it. I DOUBLE DARE YOU MOTHAFUCKER SAY N***ER ONE MORE GOTDAMN TIME.
At the Directors Guild of America Awards in L.A. last night, the likes of Jennifer Aniston, Amber Heard, Helen Mirren, Berenice Bejo, Christine Lahti, Clare from 90210, Laura Dern, Missi Pyle, Shailene Woodley, Fred Savage, Hunter "What Happened To Your Face?" Tylo, Jean Dujardin and Gary Oldman all exploded into fine dust when they were photo bombed by an array of glamorously gorgeous scene stealers. For some reason, the organizers of that shit made the right decision by placing the red carpet in front of the cocktail area and the background became the main attraction. Those photo bombers lit that shit up without even trying.
How can Jennifer Aniston and Helen Mirren possibly compete with a "Nice try, but you ain't wearing a skunk tail boa!" side-eye and a Cheri O'Teri-like "Ewwww bitch, go home!" fart face. Aniston is the oatmeal to the photo bombers' cinnamon raisin. We're all pushing around the oatmeal to get to the real stars.
With all that being said, where the hell was Phoebe Price during all of this? The red carpet at an award show cannot be rolled out until the ginger wonder rolls in for seat filler orientation. Chicken Cutlets would've been the dollop of whipped cream by photo bombing the photo bombers.
Scientists who study the shedding process of constipated snakes shouted "I know that look!" last night when St. Angie Jolie tried to POSE FOR HER LIFE at last night's 77th Annual New York Film Critics Award Gala. As Brad Pitt, who won Best Actor for Moneyball and Tree of Naps, hobbled along, Angie looked like a smug mouse getting swallowed by a mongoose (some Rikki-Tikki-Tavi shit) when she tried to bless the mere mortals with her holy sexyfaces. Bless this saint and her sexyfaces, because I'm pretty sure Brad Pitt knows what's going on behind her and is trying to tell her that this scene has already been won. I declare the victor:
Harriet Potter: 1
St. Angie: NIL!
For coming in second place, Angie wins a chair to have a permanent seat in! Oh, don't worry, the chair is actually a throne from the ruins of the Holy Temple and it's been cleansed in lamb blood, so she'll feel completely at home.
Okay, real or undead, Lady Gaga apparently finally has a man! And might I add he is SEXAI. Thank God she can quit with the possibly bi/possibly try/possibly non/sexual thing and just MOVE THE FUCK ON. Here she is, snapped by TMZ with her boy toy, Vampire Diaries hottie Taylor Kinnie. Come on GaGa, we all need to get a little. Ray Charles saw this coming. TMZ says that they've been dating since he guested with her on the You And I video.
Way to go Gaga, and Taylor! I'm just proud that you own a step-stool high enough to get to the top of her platforms! Or is it scaffolding? Whatever, doesn't matter. Congrats to the happy (unconfirmed) couple and I hope you can keep Gaga's no-pants stance to a minumum. Team ERRYBODY NEED TO GET SOME!!
Last night on Twitter, Tori Spelling's beady-eyed husband Dean McHerpDerp served his 70,000+ followers a pair of chocolate and buckwheat pancakes when he accidentially posted a picture of his son with his wife's titty balls chilling out in the background. TITTYBOMB! Ever since my retinas tore into pieces from staring at pictures of Tori looking like a stick of wood with two boiled grapefruits stapled to it, I vowed to keep my eyes away from any pictures of her bare silicone bags, but I looked anyway. The only thing I have to say about breaking my vow is that I'll never nibble on a pupusa the same way again.
If you really need to see Tori's tits settling down after breastfeeding (which I'm guessing that's what they're doing), then click here or here. I'm not one to defend Tori, but those of you screaming "OMG MOMMA TITTAYS IN FRONT OF A CHILD!!!11!!!" need to stop. That child has stared at Tori's face every day of his life, so I'm sure a pair of naked breasts won't scar him.
Here's precious lesbian lady Jared Leto posing from the tips of his Chanel polished finger nails to the bottom of his ten thousand dollars sneakers and up to his pomade-slathered locks while thinking that he's the bright shining star of this shot. Jared is thinking that everybody else is just seeping into the background the same way the leave-in conditioner seeped into his pit bushes that morning (to keep them sparkly and fluff), but the ho is wrong!
If there's one person who can beat Jared's "maintenance worker at the Tokio Hotel" look in the glamour game it's a seasoned beauty who isn't even trying. Enter homegirl stage right.
Frosted eyeshadow in her signature shade that makes her eyes look like they've been crying out Pegasus saliva - CHECK!
Eyes that aren't even 5% dazzled by the beautiful robo nymph from Blade Runner standing to her left - CHECK!
Hair that looks like the ready-to-wear version of Dracula's double beehive - CHECK
Jared gets credit for poking holes in his tank so his nipples could breathe, but other than that, bitch didn't have a chance!
Here's more of Jared thinking he's the prettiest girl in the room with Terry Richardson at the YSL show in Paris today.
A story about Justin Timberlake going on a date with 2011's Megan Fox, Olivia Wilde, could put a speed addicted insomniac into a coma, so focus on the photo bomber of my dreams Hugh Laurie when your nose starts to make a beeline for your keyboard. Let's Hugh Laurie's "Why am I the meat in this soggy sandwich?" face perk you up.
So Olivia Wilde's divorce to that Italian prince dude isn't yet final, but that hasn't stopped her from getting on her Now costar Justin Timberlake (focusonhughlauriefocusonhughlaurie). People says that Jessica Biel's impeccable strap-on game was the last thing on Justin's mind at The Roxbury in Hollywood on Saturday night. A source says that Justin and Olivia showed up together in matching white t-shirts and jeans. They both drank vodka and "canoodled" in the VIP area. A different source tells UsWeekly that they were obviously on a date and Justin pretty much kept his hands on Olivia all night.
The rumor is that Olivia ended her marriage, because she was bored of tasting the same ole' Italian peen all time and wanted to sew her wild oats with the pubes of a dozen one-night stands. Basically, Olivia wants to be a certified slut since she never got the chance. Since then she's been linked to Ryan Gosling and now Justin Timberlake. Olivia just has to reverse her chocha into Gerard Butler, slam the gas into Jude Law and she'll be right on schedule! Just follow the Sienna Miller map, Olivia, and you'll be well on your way.
Meanwhile, you probably haven't read one word of this shit, because you haven't taken your eyes off of Hugh Laurie. You made the right decision.
Lady Caca spent hours in the fuckery chair this morning getting leftover pieces of Klingon meat glued to her face and Poochie's freshly hacked up hair ball sewn into the side of her head, and yet my eyes still flutter directly towards the Bettie Page beauty OMG-ing with every muscle in her face. Sometimes all the latex-wrapped cowboy foolery in the world can't compete against something as simple as the letters W-T-F graffitied over a woman's face. Take note, Caca.
There's a good reason for why Caca looks like The Flying Nun after crashing face first into the Trojan factory. She was on Good Morning America today to promote the MAC Viva Glam campaign and talk about HIV/AIDS awareness and prevention. Personally, I'd rather she talk about why the deconstructed Choco Taco on her head doesn't have any nuts or chocolate on it, but that's just me. Here's the morning gospel according to Gaga:
Dressed like a condom? If I opened up a condom wrapper and found that staring back at me, I'd drop it immediately, wipe the Crisco off my ass crack, pull my pants up, get off the alley way ground, tip the hustler something extra and shuffle home to kneel under a cold shower while thinking about my life choices. So Gaga isn't really promoting safe sex by dressing up like a dick glove. She's promoting abstinence!
File this directly under: Brenda Walsh never had to do this kind of shit! Here's this generation's Audrey Landers, AnnaLynne McCord, in Avatar drag on the set of 90210 in Los Angeles yesterday afternoon. Even though AnnaLynne looks like she just finished marinating in a kiddie pool filled with Ty-D-Bol and Vanity Smurf's extra sweet nectar, this is probably the least amount of make-up she's worn in her entire lifetime!!!
On Today this morning, a sad story about a family's Christmas without their father and husband, who died in Afghanistan, turned into a one-kid show when Keegan Roberts put the sadness on pause by dancing in front of the cameras. Keegan can't help it. When the red light on the camera goes on, the music in his head turns on and the wick on his fingers and toes light.
Keegan gave the camera JAZZ HANDS!!!!, spirit fingers, monster claws (blame Lady GaGa) and high potent doses of attitude. A standing ovation is appropriate here. And I don't know why anyone asked Keegan what he wants for Christmas, because it's pretty obvious. Keegan wants a camera! YouTube, brace yourself.
The way this world works, Keegan will have a contract with YouTube, a booked guest appearance on the Ellen Degeneres' show and a manager by the end of the day. Willow Smith and Justin Bieber will OPEN for Keegan on his European tour next March.