Kelly Clarkson

Kelly Clarkson performed on Good Morning America yesterday and decided to lick on the giant gaysicle known as Sam Champion (tastes like pancake make-up, bronzer, urinal cakes, glory hole dust and the back of Diane Sawyer's hand).

You can't tell from this picture, but Sam's penis has crawled up into his stomach and his yes-yes hole looks like a slug after getting doused in salt. The reason? A woman's tongue has never been that close to Sam and he doesn't know how to handle it! Sam is trying to focus. He's using his gaymagination to picture Kelly's tongue as a rock hard nine incher. You can tell by the look in his eyes that's it's not working.

This is the cover for Kelly Clarkon's newest single "Already Gone." Hopefully, Kelly Clarkson got that fancy chola tear drop for murdering these jeans.

I won't be surprised if one of my cholita cousins end up in urgent care this weekend after trying to recreate this look using a hot glue gun and a rhinestone. Chola beauty is pain.

Here's also some promo shots from the video. I wish Kelly would've stuck with the theme of the cover by wearing pleated Dickies and a wife beater.

Kelly Clarkson performed at KIIS-FM's Wango Tango in Los Angeles this weekend looking like crusty Meat Loaf with extra bread crumbs. She's even got a pinch of Cojo in the face. Maybe right before her performance she walked in on Gaycrest waxing his glitter hole and she never fully recovered from that sight. I don't know. But I do know that Kelly needs to pour Adderall dust over those jeans and feed them to Paula Abdul STAT. Those jeans shouldn't have made it out of 1997 alive.

And I'm mad at Kelly right now because that "My Life Would Suck Without Fooood" song has become a regular part of my nightly dreams. That's not the first thing I want to be humming when I wake up in the morning. The first thing I want to be humming on is a.... Okay, I'll stop.