Kelly Clarkson

Kelly Clarkson is popping every single one of the rainbow balloons at Clive Davis' pubic (typo and it stays) coming out party today, because she's not going to sit around and let him spit lies about her in his book. Clive Davis writes in his memoir that Kelly was hard to work with and closed her ears every time he tried to give her his thoughts about her music. According to Clive, Kelly hated the song Since U Been Gone and didn't want it on her album Breakaway. When Clive told her it was going in whether she liked it or not, she broke down into a hysterical sobbing fit. Clive and Kelly's bitch fight lived on during the making of her third album My December. Clive hated it and didn't think there was one hit on it. The label released the album anyway and Clive writes that he was proven right when My December wasn't the huge hit that Breakaway was.

Clive also sharpened his claws and scratched at Kelly when he called her a "talent contest winner" and wrote that he doesn't think he'd sign her if she didn't win American Idol. Kelly isn't ever the one to keep her mouth shut and so she wrote her long ass response to Clive's stories about her on WhoSay.

So I just heard Clive Davis is releasing a memoir and spreading false information about me and my music. I refuse to be bullied and I just have to clear up his memory lapses and misinformation for myself and for my fans. It feels like a violation. Growing up is awesome because you learn you don't have to cower to anyone - even Clive Davis.

First, he says I burst into "hysterical sobbing" in his office when he demanded Since You Been Gone be on my album. Not true at all. His stories and songs are mixed up. I did want more guitars added to the original demo and Clive did not. Max, Luke and I still fought for the bigger sound and we prevailed and I couldn't be more proud of the life of that song. I resent him dampening that song in any way.

But, yes, I did cry in his office once. I cried after I played him a song I had written about my life called "Because Of You." I cried because he hated it and told me verbatim that I was a "sh*tty writer who should be grateful for the gifts that he bestows upon me." He continued on about how the song didn't rhyme and how I should just shut up and sing. This was devastating coming from a man who I, as a young girl, considered a musical hero and was so honored to work with.
But I continued to fight for the song and the label relented. And it became a worldwide hit. He didn't include that in the book.

He also goes on to say My December wasn't successful because I co-penned the album and it didn't have "pop hits". Well, first let me say, I've co-penned many of my "pop hits." Secondly, My December went platinum (It sold 20,000 less than All I Ever Wanted which followed My December.) Hardly a huge failure. Never Again, the ONLY single they released in the US from that record was a Top 10 hit. I am very proud of that and I have my fans to thank. But, again, what's most interesting about his story is what he leaves out: He doesn't mention how he stood up in front of his company at a convention and belittled me and my music and completely sabotaged the entire project. It never had a chance to reach it's full potential. My December was an album I needed to make for myself for many reasons and the fact that I was so completely disregarded and disrespected was so disheartening, there really aren't words to explain….

Anyway, I love my job. I love my music. I love my fans. I love my label and all of my professional relationships… now. And I am grateful for Clive for teaching me to know the difference.

Damn. That last line was like a cigarette burn to Clive Davis' bald head. This feud is about as interesting as the ongoing feud I'm having with my neighbor (the one who hates me and repeatedly presses the close button in the elevator when she sees me coming into the elevator room. I hear you pressing that button, bitch! I hear you!), but I still love a good cat fight. Grease them both up and let them go at it.

I love a shifty queen, which Clive totally is, but I have to side with Kelly in this feud, because he writes in his book that he tried to stop this glorious masterpiece from coming out.

Above is President Obama's #1 fangirl waaaaah-awwwww-eeeeee-waaaaah-ing her way through the Star Spangled Banner at the Inauguration today. Beyonce pulled her earpiece out halfway through, because if you really want to look like you're seriously singing, pull your earpiece out halfway through. Beyonce also pulled it out, because she was yodeling so damn much that it was about to pop out of her ear anyway.

Below is Ron Paul's #1 fangirl Kelly Clarkson singing My Country 'Tis Of Thee. Kelly sang the skin on her tonsils off, but just like stars on the American flag and a single tear drop on an eagle's cheek, this song is not complete without Aretha Franklin's national treasure of a hat. Kelly definitely needed to put a bow on it.  

Beyonce is looking like me when I'm patiently waiting for them to call my number at In-N-Out.

Khlamidiá Kardashian West's (that's what Kim and Kanye are naming their baby, right?) auntie will sing the National Anthem at President Obama's inauguration on January 21st in DC.  No, the "National Anthem" I'm talking about is not "Single Ladies." I'm talking about the other National Anthem. The one perfected by Roseanne. Yeah, that one.

Beyonce yodeled out "At Last" at the Inaugural Ball in 2009 and she must have tingled Obama's ears the right way, because he asked her back. I'm sure stalking his every move had nothing to do with him making that decision. Beyonce's lace front edges will curl when she sings the "Star-Spangled Banner" at the West Front of the U.S. Capitol. People says that the Presidential Inaugural Committee also announced that Ron Paul's former fangirl Kelly Clarkson will try to outdo Aretha Franklin and Aretha Franklin's legendary hat when she sings "My Country Tis Of Thee" (SPOILER ALERT: she won't). James Taylor will sing "America The Beautiful."

Beyonce, Kelly Clarkson and James Taylor?! What kind of Inaugural Ceremony is that? That's not the America I know. This is what the lineup for the Inaugural Ceremony should look like:

The Auto-Tuned National Anthem - Rebecca Black ft. the Backin Up Lady and Sweet Brown

My Country Tis Of Thee/Red (aka The Target Song) -  Taylor Swift and the American Exes (Joe Jonas, Chord Overstreet, John Mayer, Conor Kennedy, Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Lautner)

'Murica The Beautimous - Honey Boo Boo Chile accompanied by Sugar Bear playing Mama June's chins like a harmonica

That's what it should look like. But whatever, Obama can have his Beyonce. I'm sure that right after Beyonce's performance, Francis Scott Key will stop sipping his tea to say to the angels around him, "I tell you that woman he had singing for him, singing my words, she gonna get her ass whooped."

Well, one way to pretty much get rid of those twat munching rumors is to get engaged to a man. Kelly Clarkson, star of the most important movie of 2003 From Justin to Kelly, is engaged to her boyfriend of a year Brandon Blackstock. Brandon, who's a talent manager and Reba McEntire's stepson, and Kelly announced yesterday afternoon that they're getting married. A few hours after they did that, Kelly showed off her totally demure and subtle engagement on WhoSay and explained it like this:

Everyone has been asking about my engagement ring, so here it is :) It's a yellow canary diamond with diamonds around it and Brandon designed it with Johnathon Arndt! They did an amazing job! I can't wait to make Brandon's ring with Johnathon as well!

THAT RING! It looks like a sucked-on Halls cough drop surrounded by diamonds. I'm patiently waiting for Claire's to file a lawsuit against Brandon Blackstock (Note: You don't know HOW bad my fingers want to type "Brandon BlackCock") for stealing one of their designs. It's nice that Kelly is getting married and everything, but does she really want to wear a ring that looks like diamond piss? That diamond is too yellow. It needs to drink more water.

via People

While American Idol's season 2 winner Ruben Studdard sang the National Anthem at the Puppy Bowl (he wishes), American Idol's first winner Kelly Clarkson let the musical notes fly out of her mouth as she sang the National Anthem at the 47th annual Spandex Bulges in Motion Ceremony today. Besides Kelly Clarkson's Rachel Berry hair, I don't have a bad thing to say about this and I should pinch my tongue until I taste blood, because I always have something bad to say. Ron Paul's main homegirl didn't screw up the words (side-eye pointed toward Xtina) and my ear holes didn't try to shut, so I'll say the bitch did okay.

The best part besides the players looking like they were about to shit through their pee holes due to the excitement from being around all those Spandex bulges was the terrified look on those kids in the choir. I love a good "If I fuck this up, I'm going to get shanked in the face by an adult" look on a kid. That's America!

When I'm writing about gay porn stars and comparing and contrasting dildos on Manhunt Daily (I'm kidding about the dildo part, that's what I do in my free time at home. The dog is SCARRED for life), I think very little about politics. Luckily, I have politically active celebrities like Kelly Clarkson to do my thinking for me! Bitch has knowledge! American Idol's very first hooker winner pointed her finger at MSNBC, her digit landed on "that old guy", and she then blindly endorsed Ron Paul's presidential campaign on Twitter. It went really well for her.

"I love Ron Paul. I liked him a lot during the last Republican nomination and no one gave him a chance. If he wins the nomination for the Republican party in 2012 he's got my vote. Too bad he probably won't."

Twitter is an essential part of your celebrity brand, but some of these dum dums need parental controls on their phone. Kelly can endorse whomever the fuck she chooses, but the following exchange made it clear that bitch had no fucking clue who Ron Paul is, was, does, fucks, discriminates against, supports, what sex he is, whether he's an actual human and not a character on 30 Rock, what he feeds his goldfish with, nothing.

@uglybenny @michellebranch classy response. 

@Cibuloid very mature of you. Someone says something you disagree with and you lash out at them. Very mature. 

@Jcourt3 I respect your opinion and I am about progress. Ron Paul is about letting people decide, not the government. I am for this. 

@my_warden I have never seen or heard Ron Paul say anything against gay people? 

@BarkingTurtles I love all people and could care less if you love a man or a woman. I have never heard that Ron Paul is a racist or a homophobe? 

@Deethers I have never heard that he's a racist? That's ignorant. [Ed. note - *eye-roll*]

Miss Independent later released a statement saying she loves everyone, blah blah blah, but still supports Ron.  Honey, "Since U Been Gone" is a rad song to drunkenly fag out to (what? shut up!) but this does not make you Christiane Amanpour. Damn. Shit, it barely makes you Connie Chung.

(via Oh No They Didn't!)

Kelly Clarkson performed on Good Morning America yesterday and decided to lick on the giant gaysicle known as Sam Champion (tastes like pancake make-up, bronzer, urinal cakes, glory hole dust and the back of Diane Sawyer's hand).

You can't tell from this picture, but Sam's penis has crawled up into his stomach and his yes-yes hole looks like a slug after getting doused in salt. The reason? A woman's tongue has never been that close to Sam and he doesn't know how to handle it! Sam is trying to focus. He's using his gaymagination to picture Kelly's tongue as a rock hard nine incher. You can tell by the look in his eyes that's it's not working.

This is the cover for Kelly Clarkon's newest single "Already Gone." Hopefully, Kelly Clarkson got that fancy chola tear drop for murdering these jeans.

I won't be surprised if one of my cholita cousins end up in urgent care this weekend after trying to recreate this look using a hot glue gun and a rhinestone. Chola beauty is pain.

Here's also some promo shots from the video. I wish Kelly would've stuck with the theme of the cover by wearing pleated Dickies and a wife beater.

Kelly Clarkson performed at KIIS-FM's Wango Tango in Los Angeles this weekend looking like crusty Meat Loaf with extra bread crumbs. She's even got a pinch of Cojo in the face. Maybe right before her performance she walked in on Gaycrest waxing his glitter hole and she never fully recovered from that sight. I don't know. But I do know that Kelly needs to pour Adderall dust over those jeans and feed them to Paula Abdul STAT. Those jeans shouldn't have made it out of 1997 alive.

And I'm mad at Kelly right now because that "My Life Would Suck Without Fooood" song has become a regular part of my nightly dreams. That's not the first thing I want to be humming when I wake up in the morning. The first thing I want to be humming on is a.... Okay, I'll stop.