Why Are You Doing This To Us?
Magical seahorse Antoine Dodson is trying hard to break out of being that "Hide Yo Kids!" ho and so he put out a new ballad that sounds like something two robots would slow fuck to since his natural singing voice has been covered with so much auto-tune that what comes out of his mouth is the same shit that comes out of Rosie the Robot's mouth when she orgasms. Even though this auto-tuned to infinity and beyond mess is completely unnecessary and I just want to wear one of his plastic micro braids as a friendship bracelet, I hope this song goes triple Reynolds Wrap. 2012 really needs its own Tevin Campbell and 'Toine might be it.
It's going to be 60 degrees in NYC today, RiRi has publicly turned her back on the Illuminati, Rutgers is offering a Beyonce course and now there's a chance that the Pfizer recall has officially become a disaster to humanity because SNOOKI MIGHT BE SPAWNING! As the 20th century's greatest philosophers Bill & Ted once said: "Strange things are afoot at the Circle K!"
The respectable journal of truthiness Star Magazine tells us that in a few months a living creature will call Snooki its mommy. You can go ahead and cancel Groundhog Day tomorrow, because that Punxsutawney Phil bitch ain't coming out since he's digging his way to hell as I type this shit. Star's source says that Snooki and her midget hulk of a boyfriend Jionni smushed a baby into her womb and she's telling everybody about it.
“She is pregnant and has only told her closest friends and some family. She’s been telling people that she has a big announcement coming."
This is good news for the makers of the first ever tanning bed crib. This also good news for Planet Earth who are assembling their bravest camera crew yet to capture the world's first known birth of a Hulk/Ewok hybrid. Everybody else is fucked, because little Pickole Vodkotta LaValle will devour our world's supply of pickles and taint our jacuzzis.
Oh well, we should all still meet in front of the cave Snooki will give birth in, because there's no way she's going to let a little thing called "pregnancy" get in the way of her drinking gallons of the sweet nectar every night. That placenta is going to be 100+ proof! PLACENTA SHOTS FOR EVERYONE!
"At least that raggedy crackamuffin bitch is shitting on your grave instead of mine for a change!" is what Marilyn Monroe said to Elizabeth Taylor up in the smoking lounge in heaven last night after Deadline reported that Lifetime is willing to go bankrupt from spending all of its money on prosthetics, CGI, sandblast equipment and black magic to turn Lindsay Lohan into a Elizabeth Taylor for a biopic. Lifetime can officially change its slogan from Lifetime: Television for Women into Lifetime: We Just Don't Give A Fuck Anymore.
This mess, which doesn't make sense, would make sense if LiLo was going to play Last Days Liz or Currently In The Grave Liz, but she's in talks to play a young Elizabeth Taylor in Elizabeth & Richard: A Love Story. Who the hell is going to play Richard Burton? Pete Doherty? (Okay, I'd erase everything in my Tivo to record that mess.)
You know, I'm all for HoHan tripping her way up to a Drew Barrymore-like comeback and she probably sees this Lifetime shit as her own personal Amy Fisher TV movie, but she just isn't the one to play La Liz. This is ILLEGAL! Liz had a voice like a sweet piece of velvet and HoHan has a voice like a sweet piece of velvet after it got ran over by a semi-truck, used as toilet paper by a homeless junkie and chewed up by a crackhouse rat. The only ho in the world of Elizabeth Taylor that Lindsay Lohan should play is Larry Fortensky.
La Liz herself said it best:
You hear that, Lifetime? Unless you're planning on digging up Liz's corpse, just stop! Actually, maybe that's not a bad idea. Liz's corpse would look better on camera, give a more believable performance and would never get caught doing lines with her mother on the toilet seat in her bathroom trailer.
And here I was thinking that nothing could leave me in a state of disgusted confusion like this NSWFish picture of Charlie Sheen working as a cheese cleaner to earn that 8 ball, but this dreadful musical theater news has beat that shit.
Tom Hooper, the director of The King's Speech, is doing a Les Miserables movie and so far his casting decisions haven't made my ears cringe themselves shut. Tom cast Russell Crowe as Javert, Hugh Jackman as Valjean, Anne Hathaway as Fantine, Eddie Raymane as Marius and he's talking to Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter about taking the roles of Thenardier and Mme Thenardier. Not that bad. But "not that bad" has turned into "OMGMYEARSWHYTORTURE!", because Tom has offered Taylor Swift the role of Eponine. Eponine is that dumb urchin bitch who is in love with Marius, but still leads him to his true love Cosette and eventually gets herself shot up in the end. I know all of this, because I was gay in high school. Musical theater was the only way to deal.
Broadway World has it on good authority that after months of auditions, Taylor Swift beat out ScarJo, Lea Michele and Evan Rachel Wood. Universal has also offered the role of Cosette to Amanda Seyfried. Rehearsals start at the end of the month, so the entire cast should be announced soon.
I'm sure a warm feeling would fill most of our dead hearts while watching Taylor Swift die a slow painful death, but Tom Hooper said himself that all of the actors will have to sing live. LIVE. Taylor Swift + singing live = eardrum genocide! Can't they dub her with a goat getting strangled? It would be more on key.
The only reason I can come up with as to why Tom would cast this yodeling broomstick is that he really wants the audience to feel the pain of the characters. You know, when Taylor gets a bullet to the body, he really wants all of us to pull out a gun and shoot ourselves in the ears to escape the torturous sound of her last singing notes.
Rosemount High in Minnesota found new fans in Papa Joe, St. Angie, James Haven and Ryan O'Neal when they came up with a hilarious (and emotionally scarring) way to prank their winter sports captains. All of the captains were blindfolded during some kind of pep rally and told that they were about to get a kiss from a mystery person. The captains didn't know that their mystery person wiped their ass cracks as babies and probably folded their clean panties that weekend. The kids got a mouth full of their own parent's lips. Their parents were not blindfolded. You are right in asking what in the Oedipus Hell is this fucked up shit?
After this mess of a video went viral, the school apologized.
First of all, if this was a peck or two, I don't think my eyes would be covered with thin layers of barf right now. But some of those parents got down. One mother gets all the way down to the floor with her son and I don't even want to know what's going on in his head (his other head). Second of all, most teenagers have the hornies flowing through their system at all times. If you put a mouth on their mouth, tongue is going to creep out to play. So tricking them with their parent's mouth is a new kind of wrong. Third of all, unless your name is Billy Ray Cyrus, what parent would agree to this inceshit?
Can you imagine that car ride home? "So, dad, how was that cheesesteak you had for lunch? You usually don't get it with onions."
I don't know what I did to deserve this, but somehow this attack on my eyeballs landed in my inbox and now you'll have to suffer with me. Garbage Pail Whore and self-proclaimed beard slut, Ke$hit, squatted on top of Tumblr and queefed out her own site putyourbeardinmymouth.tumblr.com (not to be confused with John Travolta's Put Your Beard Away gentlemen's club down in the Scientology sauna). Ke$ha is a serious beard lover (not to be confused with the name of Bradley Cooper's Serious Beard Lover appreciation page on Facebook) and her Tumblr is devoted to picture of beards including this one of her giving a beard job (not to be confused with the name of Renee Zellweger's employment agency). This shit looks like Ke$ha going down on Robin Williams or eating out a pre-shaven Khloe Kardashian. (Actually, this is more like a post-shaven Khloe Kardashian since I'm sure this is what her 5 o'clock pussy shadow looks like.)
I know that on the list of disgusting things Ke$ha has put in her mouth, chin pubes is at the very bottom, but bitch still ain't right for giving me the sudden sensation to pull sweaty nutsack hairs out of my mouth.
Here's the teaser trailer for The Farrelly Brothers' Three Stooges movie starring Sean Hayes, Will Sasso, Chris Diamantoplosomething, Sofia Vergara, Jane Lynch and JHud, and I tried to find one good thing to say about this mess, but there's nothing. Yes, Snooki gets poked (as usual), but even that moment is ruined because it stars fucking Snooki. I can't find one good thing.
It's like this one time when I hooked up with some trick on Gay.com (don't do that) and went to his house not knowing anything about him (don't do that). He looked nothing like his pictures, his apartment was the size of an asshole, it smelled like old milk and nearly every single wall was covered with some kind of reptile in a glass aquarium. It was like Courtney Stodden's family tree. It was horrific. That entire bleak scene made every picture on (NSFW) Lurid Digs look like it came out of Architectural Digest. I should've found a way to get diarrhea on the spot and run out of there. But when you're a shameless slut, you do some fucked up shit for dick. Even ugly dick. Usually I can find one good thing to focus on, but I couldn't this time. There was nothing. The apartment was a nightmare, his face was a nightmare, the smells were a nightmare and those amphibian creatures staring at me were a nightmare. Then when he got naked, he had the hairiest ass I've ever seen. It looked like a wet bear with a perm wearing a llama coat. But I did it anyway and when his ass started to bob up and down, I suddenly became afraid for my life! I was convinced those reptiles would mistake his bouncing hairy ass for a vulnerable chinchilla and then they'd break out of their glass cages to eat it. And in the process of eating that chinchilla ass, they'd eat me too. You know how much it would suck for my mother to have to tell people that her son was eaten by a reptile on the floor of some trick's studio apartment in Herald Square? That would've been the worst. Never again.
I don't know how The Three Stooges trailer made me bring up that story, but the fact that it did means that nothing good can come out of it.
In 1994, two things happened: Mimi released the Christmas song that will be played in every single store from October to January for centuries to come, and a surrogate Canadian beaver gave birth to Usher's daughter. Cut to 17 years later, those two things have come together to turn your eardrums into wet coal. The rotten eggnog of a video for Justin Bieber and Mimi's remix of "All I Want For Christmas Is You" is pretty much just a shameless commercial for Macy's and a public service announcement for why trying to hit high notes while going through puberty is not a good idea. I can practically hear Justin's balls drop and pop up again with each note and that's not right. That's not Christmas.
Never mind that Mimi's spreading some HO HO HO shit on the fake stone wall that your elementary school used in every holiday pageant, why does Justin look like the mom from Webster (or like a live mannequin in Talbots' window)? The only thing that saves this shit is the PUPPY!!! at the end who temporarily distracts you from the bleak scene Mimi and The Lesbeaver are giving us. That end scene looks like a final days Mae West picking up boys at the local junior high school. WHY, MIMI, WHY? (answer: $$$)
Today, we are all Sigourney Weaver and this UsWeekly cover is the alien nest she discovers. They're spawning! The whorror never ends. Four weeks ago, Pimp Mama Kris gathered all of her precious whore loaches together and demanded that one of them deliver a smoke screen baby to distract everyone from the fact that they're all soul-fucking whores of the highest order. Pimp Mama Kris mostly stared at Kourtney Kardashian during this conversation since every time Lamar Odom mounts Khloe, the Wookie wail of ecstasy she lets out scares the neighborhood children and Bruce Jenner has to run into the room with a garden hose and a hot fireplace poker. So Kourtney it is!
Kourtney announced this morning that she's 9 weeks knocked up with her third child (Scott Is Dick being her first and Mason being her second). Yeah, Kourtney is saying 9 weeks, but I'm saying that the three kings of hell have plenty of time to get a present for the spawn that will keep the evil going since I'm sure she'll magically be a few weeks overdue. Here's Kourtney and Scott reading from the script Pimp Mama Kris gave them:
The E! reality star, 32, took a pregnancy test about five weeks ago -- and woke up Disick, 28 (not a morning person!), around 7.a.m. to tell him the positive results.
"Now I'm nine weeks along," Kardashian tells Us. "You're supposed to wait 12 weeks to tell people, but I feel confident."
"It wasn't like we weren't trying," Disick, 28, says. "We kind of just said, 'If it's meant to be, it'll be.'"
Kourtney also launched some stupid ass mommy blog on Monday. Koincidence! The Kuntrashian plague continues and there will be several more weeks of listening to Kourtney's warped cassette tape voice fart on and on about how she laughs every time the ultrasound tech blacks out American Horror Story-style when she gets a sonogram. I mean, where is a swarm of locusts when we really really really need them?
Here's Kourtney doing stupid shit in L.A. yesterday with Lady CaCa's sister Lady PeePee (You know Kim's crotch makes a Slushie every time she hears that name).
Last night on Twitter, Tori Spelling's beady-eyed husband Dean McHerpDerp served his 70,000+ followers a pair of chocolate and buckwheat pancakes when he accidentially posted a picture of his son with his wife's titty balls chilling out in the background. TITTYBOMB! Ever since my retinas tore into pieces from staring at pictures of Tori looking like a stick of wood with two boiled grapefruits stapled to it, I vowed to keep my eyes away from any pictures of her bare silicone bags, but I looked anyway. The only thing I have to say about breaking my vow is that I'll never nibble on a pupusa the same way again.
If you really need to see Tori's tits settling down after breastfeeding (which I'm guessing that's what they're doing), then click here or here. I'm not one to defend Tori, but those of you screaming "OMG MOMMA TITTAYS IN FRONT OF A CHILD!!!11!!!" need to stop. That child has stared at Tori's face every day of his life, so I'm sure a pair of naked breasts won't scar him.