Why Are You Doing This To Us?

At last night's Teen Choice Awards, the Princess of Prostitots showed all the little kiddies how the Cyrus' do it by working a pole on top of an ice cream cart. Yes, a pole on an ice cream cart. Thank you, Miley, for giving PedoBear a brilliant business idea. PedoBear's "Shake It For a Cone" ice cream cart coming soon! Don't got any coins for an ice cream treat? That's ok! Just get up on that pole and do it Cyrus-style! Seriously, God, it's okay if you want to push that red button already. I think we've seen it all here. Or have we.....?

Last week, I posted some pictures of Miley's 9-year-old sister Noah posing around a pole at some party, Well, there's video! Here's Noah and her friends swinging around a pole while grown-men watch. I. CAN'T. I. CANNOT. Okay, that button needs to be pressed NOW!

And why would I not be surprised if Rhode Island's Cheaters Strip Club sent out a recruiter to the Cyrus family home?

Here's some pictures from last night of Miley, Billy Ray, Noah and her friends. I didn't know Noah was a Ramones fan! I can't wait for her cover of "The KKK Took My Baby Away."

Here I was thinking it was going to be a glorious Friday (see Connie Mouralis post) and then I come across these two fartards. I had to share it (am I oversharing again?) with you so that we can all form a circle and jerk our tonsils together. Barf bukkake party!

At last night's G.I. Joe premiere, these two butt dingles somehow managed to get on the red carpet to show off Twit's cover of Playboy Magazine: Equine Edition. Who do they think they are carrying a magazine around like that? Phoebe Price?! Can I get a "BITCH PLEASE," because nobody can do it like she can.

And I'm not exaggerating when I say that this is the fugliest fug cover I have ever seen. Anonymously send this cover to your enemies and they won't ever be the same again. It's pretty fitting that Heidi looks like a Wal-Mart-brand tampon fresh out of Spencer's shitty asshole.

Who else can sell you a useless piece of shit you don't need (but you really do need it) while making your ears slowly curl into your head? There is only one master of the SHOUT and that is the late and great Billy Mays! He cannot be replaced..... But apparently, the dumb whores at Media Enterprises think Billy can. Stick a piece of Mighty Tape on my b-hole and pull it hard, because this is not right.

TMZ says that a nationwide search for "the next Billy Mays" will start August 19th in Tampa. They say that Billy's precious bearded mug will remain on the products, but they are looking someone to sell it to the masses on late-night infomercials. Specifically, they want someone to pitch a new product called "Mighty Sponge." It's a sponge so mighty that it can soak up 2 liters of coke or the blood of a hooker (I'm looking at you Vince).

Why do I predict that emergency rooms will soon be filled with dumb skanks who almost made themselves mute from trying to recreate Billy's signature rasp by gargling with thumbtacks?

Okay, okay, okay. If they really have to do this, let me make a few suggestions:

1. Paula Abdul - Bitch needs the money and back alley pharmacists don't work for free.
2. Fishsticks Paltrow - Maybe she'll go mute from trying to replicate Billy's voice (fingers crossed)?
3. Mah Boo Anderson Cooper - Because our (aka my) TV screens need more of him.
4. Phoebe Price - She won't have to say a word. She'll just have to pose with the product and everyone (aka just me) will be SOLD!
5. STAINS - Because he can sell lucite to Shauna Sand just by hypnotizing her.

After reading about the sadness that is Sam the koala's death (see below), we all could use a laugh. So here's one: Posh Beckham is going to be a guest judge on American Idol. You know, that singing competition. Yes, Posh is actually going to judge people's singing abilities. I'm not saying that Paula Abdul was Pavarotti, but DAMN TO THE FUCK! I mean, this isn't America's Next Mayjah Non-Food-Eater or America's Next Mayjah Non-Smiler. Although, both of those would be good shows.

Posh's spokeswhore tells SkyNews that this is just going to be a one night stand. Posh isn't about to replace our very little crazy pillhead. Besides, Posh is too busy working on her fashion line and walking through airports in ankle-killing heels. Seriously, she's always walking through airports.

Okay, Posh on Idol could be entertaining if her critiques are something along the line of this: (picture her saying this to a girl who weighs less than a lima bean) "You know, your voice could be mayjah if you weren't SO FUCKING FAT."

In other news, Michael Vick has just been announced as a permanent judge on Groomer Has It!

"Where is God when you need him, because this does not make sense." - Paula Abdul

Quick! Fill the bath tub with Paula Abdul's CODE BLUE cocktail (everything in the medicine cabinet and Diet Pepsi), because my world has just shattered! Paula Abdul announced on her Twatter that American Idol will lose its brightest (aka craziest) star. These are the tearful words Paula wrote:

With sadness in my heart, I’ve decided not to return to #IDOL. I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent,but most of all being a part of a show that I helped from day1become an international phenomenon. What I want to say most, is how much I appreciate the undying support and enormous love that you have showered upon me. It truly has been breathtaking, especially over the past month.

American Idol, we're fucking done professionally! How dare they kick Paula to the gutter (where she will probably find a few lude pills - SCORE FOR HER), but keep that useless flap of skin Kara DioYOUKILLEDPAULA! SCRAGS BITCHES! This is a travesty! And where was Simon in all of this?! While he was soaking his tittays in a bowl of cocoa butter, Paula was getting pink-slipped! All he had to do was give up his tight t-shirt budget, so they could give Paula a few more coins. Damn all of them!

It's like I'm blowin' morphine-covered kisses in the wind and Paula isn't there to catch them anymore. Sads.

It's here! The Snuggie for dogs! It will terrify your dog more than Michael Vick's headshot!

The Snoggie gives your dog yet another reason to hate your ass even more and slowly smother you while you sleep! If you make your dog wear a Snuggie, don't be surprised if you wake up to find a tiny pillow in his paws. You asked for it! I mean, it's fine if you want to look like an asshole who creams your Snuggie whenever your latest "friend" from the Teddy Bear of the Month Club arrives, but don't take your dog down with you!

Although, if your dog gets cold while watching TV and sipping hot chocolate on cold winter nights, then maybe you should get him a Snuggie. And if you've actually seen your dog change the channel with the remote, then maybe you should go to rehab.

Don't even ask if I'm getting my dog a Snuggie! DON'T! Yes, I dress him up in a green Santa Claus costume every Christmas. Yes, I regularly put a blonde wig on his head and make him dance around to Britney songs, but I'm not pathetic enough to get him a Snuggie. As if.

However, the talking doggy tag looks like it could come in handy. You can record yourself saying stuff like (in a doggy voice of course), "You rook beautiful" and "I ruv you." That way when you get the sads, you can ask your dog, "How do I look?" All you gotta do is push the button and feel the warmth in your heart when you hear him say, "You rook beautiful." You're welcome, Aniston!

Source VIA The Frisky

There's really something wrong with us as a civilization when a Vicodin-covered diamond like Paula Abdul can't get what she wants from American Idol producers, but Kara DioGagMeRoughly can. E!'s Marc Malkin has confirmed that Kara will reprise her role as "the useless one" on American Idol. A source said, "Her deal is done. There are no ifs, ands or buts. Done. She will be back."

Apparently, Kara's new paycheck doesn't have nearly as many zeros as the other judge's checks. If you ask me, if you paid her ass with Randy Jackson's old back fat skin, one of Simon's titty milk-stained t-shirts and one session with Ryan Gaycrest's ass hair plucker, it would still be too much.

Tivo needs to come out with a new BLOCK KARA'S WONKED UP JAW feature. Whenever Kara tries to unlock her jaw to talk, Keyboard Cat can step in to save us from fucking our ears with hot knives.

I'd rather watch a butt nugget slowly dry in the sun than watch 30-minutes of a reality show starring Tobey Maguire. So I'm sure a reality show starring his family will bring the bores even more. Page Six that some bitch who needs to take a class at the Learning Annex on WHAT NOT TO PUT ON TV is a producing a show about the lives of Tobey's mother and younger brother. They are even biting off White Oprah by calling the show Growing Up Maguire. That strange feeling you're feeling is called second hand embarrassment. If you haven't already caught a case of the Zzzzs from reading this news, read on...

The show will follow Wendy Maguire as she makes "sacrifices to shield her children from the downside of the entertainment industry." And she does this from the bottom of the entertainment industry barrel known as reality TV (that's a compliment).

The good bitches at Ambien are probably biting off their toe nails out of nervousness this morning, because this bore fiesta could put their asses out of business.

You're still asleep, right?

The picture above is Satan's screensaver for the week. FYI. So...

Jon Gosselin is still taking up space in Southampton with fellow douchemeister Michael Lohan. The two took their growing douchemance to some polo game in Bridgehampton yesterday. Jon spoke to both People and UsWeekly and even though he denied dating The Other Kate, he still gave different stories about his love life (puke, wipe, puke, wipe, etc....).

This is what Jon told UsWeekly: "My heart is always with Hailey."

This is what Jon told People: "At this point ... I'm single – per se. I'm just a regular guy who just wants to have friendship and good times. And I like meeting people. She's (Hailey) always a good friend of mine. Her family is so good. They took me in and I lived there for a while. I love them to death. She doesn't like this [craziness]. She loves me for who I am and not for what I do. We are going to chill out for a while and see where it takes us. I'm not looking for anyone."

Hmmm....so this sort of sounds like all you single ladies out there might have a chance at licking on Jon's Bluetooth headset. If you want to be in the running, you better slip on your finest Ed Hardy t-shirt (a dirty diaper dipped in vomit will also work). It will also help your chances if you wax your eyebrows with a piece of duct tape so it looks like they just escaped a meth lab explosion.

Maybe Jon should let Hailey know what's going on. After she saw those pictures of Jon with The Other Kate, she fell into a planter again! Hailey needs to stop burying her emotions in plants. It's not healthy or very green-like.

Somebody please water her!

When Jon Gosselin finishes up the 8 episodes he has left on his contract with TLC, he may roll away to shoot his own reality show. You know, because the solo reality show he stars in daily on every blog (GUILTY), website and message board is just not enough.

A source close to Jon told E!, "Jon has a lot of things going on now with his career*. Of course his main concern is his children, but he is focusing on his private and his professional life. He is looking into some major international endorsement deals and it looks like he is going to have his own show."

Hmmm.....let's see. MATH TIME! Douchebag who attracts slutty methfaces + a toilet full of Ed Hardy + the drunk glow + male pattern baldness = Bret Michaels' successor! Vh1, roll out the welcome mat, pop the Hpnotiq and break DJ Lady Tribe out of the methadone clinic!

* - HA