Why Are You Doing This To Us?

Jon Grosslin's douche express made a stop over in Las Vegas yesterday so that he could host a pool party at Wet Republic at the MGM Grand. Even if MGM paid his ass in Ed Hardy diapers, a pair of CZ studs from Spencer's Gifts and a new potted plastic plant (for Hailey), then they still overpaid. MGM could've just put a lukewarm bottle of Summer's Eve on one of the lounge chairs and it would've been the exact same thing.

IN THIS ECONOMY, a check is a check, but what the hell is next for J.Gross? A rap album (Titled: 99 Problems and Kate is all of them)? A Girls Gone Wild video? Ick Nast. But at least Jon kept his Pillsbury dough moobs under wraps, so that was nice of him.

But enough about Jon and his neverending early mid-life crisis, let's talk about the glamorous beauty that is his mother! Now that Kate's rabid possum isn't around to maul her eyeballs, it's safe for her to come out and douche it up with her son!

Look at Mama Gosselin keeping it sessy in her visor while posing with the fly honeys (copyright: Marky Mark). Speaking of the fly honeys, the one posing with Mama Gosselin in the third thumbnail below is squeezing those thighs for dear life, because I think bitch's little friend is about to steal the spotlight. Tuck game FAIL! Squeeze, bitch, squeeze!

Hollywood has been trying to eff with Heathers for a while now. Winona Ryder was yapping about a sequel for a long time, then there was talks about a remake and now comes the worst idea of all worst ideas. Heathers: THE TV SHOW! This is obviously Hollywood's way of fucking us slowly with a chainsaw.

Variety brings us the bad news. They report that Mark Rizzo and Jenny Bicks (a writer from Sex and the City) are working together on this crap. They plan to update it and bring back all the characters from the movie. The casting alone is making me vommy. They are totally going to destroy us all by casting Ashley Jizzdale, Tater Head Willis, that Kristin Calamari chick from The Hills, the Miss Lolitas and one of the Jonas hos.

Can we just declare Heathers a historical site, which means evil bitches can't renovate it or fuck with its foundation? If that's not possible, somebody pour chocolate syrup all over Heathers: The TV Show and tell Martha Dumptruck dessert is served!

Kourtney Kardashian has been quiet the past few days, so I figured someone finally picked her up, put her in a corner, stuck a pacifier in her mouth and turned on a baby mobile so that she could be mesmerized by the fancy moving parts for a while. Well, Kourtney is back and she's brought a friend!

Kourtney and her brainmate Kendra Wilkinson are talking about breastfeeding in the new issue of UsWeekly. You know this is going to hurt.

Kendra says: "I was so scared that I wasn't going to be able to nurse that when I saw stuff come out of my nipples the other day, I was like, I can breast-feed? And I asked my doctor, who said, 'That's fine, but it's not milk yet!'"

Kourtney added: "They say usually you can breast-feed with implants. I want to."

Then both of their fetuses jumped out of their bodies, ran to Pennsylvania and jumped into Kate Gosselin's womb. It's that serious.

(Image via Cover Awards)

Is this the face of a cunt who would intentionally destroy everything her husband has worked for just because she thinks he needs to dip his ass in other things like her? Well, Betty Confidential thinks it is. According to their sources, Fishsticks Paltrow wants her fellow cuntmeister husband to put Coldplay on pause, so that he can go and do his own thing.

Their source said, "Gwyneth has outright told Chris that he should consider going solo. She is busy doing all of her projects and she wants him to diversify as well. She doesn't have a problem with Coldplay, but she wants Chris to think about trying a solo album just to see if he likes it. When Gwyneth mentioned it, Chris was furious. He loves the band and he has no desire to change things right now. Chris basically ignored her and walked away."

To be fair, I think Chris completely ignores her ass anyway. When Fishy asks him if he wants steamed organic bird seed or cunt paella for dinner, Chris answers her by showing her his ass.

And I have a hard time believing this. Fishy could give a dinosaur's clit about what other bitches are doing. Fishy's nose is so far up her own ass that she simply can't be bothered to sniff at other people's shit.

In that white box is a mound of deliciousness that has been blessed by angels. And behind that box is a mound of cacaness in sunglasses that my toilet won't even bless. Too mean? Well, GOOD FUCKING GOOD! While I'm sitting here, nibbling on a soggy microwave burrito, Lady CaCa gets to feast on the food of the Gods. I mean, I sometimes like my In-N-Out animal-style, but I never want it caca-style.

Something is wrong with this picture. THIS BITCH! She's always getting me good!

Here's LC leaving LAX yesterday and arriving at her hotel in West Hollywood with my dreams in a box.

Spencer Pratt went through Brit Brit's trash can, pulled out her 2000 MTV VMAs outfit, brushed the Cheetos off, slid it over the factory-defected dildo that is Heidi Montag and pushed her out on the international stage during last night's Miss Universe pageant. He should've pushed her off the planet instead, because that was one of the biggest displays of fuckery I've every seen! This is why some people hate America!

You know, it was wrong of me to compare her to a dildo, because even used-up, ass dust-covered plastic fuck toys have more rhythm than this tranny pony!

If you took an elderly albino gorilla who was suffering from a serious case of Tourettes, got him drunk on the cheapest vodka, made him watch every episode The Hills, hit him over the head 12 times with a copper pot, spun him around 300 times while saying Spencer Pratt's name and then forced him to do this routine, he would still do a better job than Heidi Montag.

The only thing Heidi's "body language" is telling me is: FAIL.

And if you don't feel like making your brain bleed this early in the morning, just watch this video instead. It's the same thing sans Heidi's annoying ass face.

If you have a cat in the room right now, you might want to tell it to go take a walk while you watch this video. If you let it stay and watch, it will start to get ideas and expect you to give it a full-on massage WITH oils (it's a rebel).

This is a video from a magical land called the 1980s of some crazy cat lady instructing us on how to correctly massage a cat. This is basically like lady-on-cat softcore porn. For instance, she says that it's a good thing if your cat forgets to swallow and starts drooling at the mouth. That means your cat is loving your hands all over its body. Okay, does is it also a good thing if your cat lights up a cigarette after its drooling session, because that shit sounds like a happy ending. You can't fool drool.

And today's phrase that pays is: "Who's the best cat in the United States? It's you Champer Damper, it's you."

VIA Everything Is Terrible

Booooooo! Hissssssss! I want mah money back! So, yesterday, Gawker posted a short clip of a supposed threesome sex tape starring McSteamy, the Noxzema Girl and some former Miss Teen USA turned drunken lady whore (my favorite kind). Well, the lawyers have attacked and claim they have seen the entire tape and there's no scenes featuring wet parts bumping. McSteamy's lawyer told TMZ: "From what I've seen it's a naked tape, not a sex tape. At most it's 3 people maybe wanting to have sex." I think he was disappointed to. Way to break a boner.

Eric has also issued a statement saying that he did not do intercourse stuff with Kari Ann Peniche (the Miss Teen USA chick). They might not have done sexy shit with each other, but they were definitely getting it on with some kind of pipe or joint, because those hos are riding HIGH.

Kari Ann co-signed Eric's claim that they have never had sex and also added that she thinks she knows how the tape got out. Kari Ann is pointing her Dirty Sanchez finger at Mindy McCready, the country crackienut. Mindy and Kari Ann were roommates after they finished shooting Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab together. MESSES! Kari Ann thinks that Mindy stole her computer's hard drive after they had a fight about money. When Kari Ann noticed that her hard drive was missing, she immediately filed a police report.

TMZ says that Kari Ann, Minday, Eric and the Noxzema Girl all had a meeting last month to talk about the stolen hard drive and the "nekkid" tape. They decided that Eric would get full rights to the tape and that was that....until it made its internet debut.

You know, who really cares about all the petty little details, just give us what we want! Fleshbot promises that they will post the uncensored clip today which features a cameo by Eric's McPeenis. No, we won't see it in action, but at least we get to see it. I know, it's the little things in life. Well, hopefully, it's the BIG things in life...

Just give us the peen already! Genitals everywhere are crying! Don't make our genitals weep!

UPDATE: Fleshbot posted the uncensored clip and every part of me is disappointed. Why do hos film a "nekkid tape" without lighting the goods properly. You can kind of see what Eric is working with, but not really. Get yourself an HD video camera and try again, Eric!

Oh, well fuck. One of those Kardashian hos went and got themselves knocked up! E!'s Marc Malkin is saying that Kourtney "The Other One" Kardashian has a BABY!!!! growing in her womb. The father is apparently Khloe Kardashian. I told that bitch to pull out! No, the father is really Claire Cruise. Joking again! Apparently, Kourtney isn't saying who the father is. Probably because she doesn't know. Call Maury!

A few days ago, E! asked her if she was back with her ex-boyfriend Scott, she said, "You're going to have to see on the show." Coincidentally, Kourtney's reality show debuts on E! this weekend.

Yeah, Kourtney should name her baby "Ratings Ploy Kardashian."

Image: Bauer Griffin

Thanks to the success of the Transformers and G.I. Joe movies, Hollywood thinks everyone is jizzing over seeing toys on the silver screen. So that's why they are planning to make a feature film out of LEGO. For real. Methinks Hollywood needs to do more drugs, because doing so will take them to a far off place called The Land of Good Ideas.

Variety (via Coming Soon) says that Warner Bros. has already hired Dan Lin (who is also working on the Tom & Jerry movie) and Kevin Hageman to write the script. It's being described as a "family comedy that will mix live action and animation."

Okay, I get that toys are the thing right now, but I can think of a million other toys that should be made into a feature film before LEGOs. Here are my suggestions:

POGO Ball: THE MOVIE
Popples: THE MOVIE
Gloworm: THE MOVIE (starring RPattz's sparkly weenis)
Hot Looks Dolls: THE MOVIE (starring Noah Cyrus)
She-Ra: THE MOVIE (Duh)

Take them and run, Hollywood.

P.S. - Jermaine Jackson's agent better be on the phone with the LEGO producers right now. I mean: