Why Are You Doing This To Us?

Crank up the Alanis Morrissette, because there's something funny about White Oprah's favorite piggy bank, who weighs as much as a semi-wet stamp, making a signature milkshake at Millions of Milkshakes last night. Heh.

Now if this is an HONEST HoHan milkshake special (ingredients: Red Bull, crushed fentanyl pops, fake tan grease for color, a Slim Fast bar and dirty meth pop water - HOLD THE DIGNITY), then I'll order three cases! However, if HoHan is fakin' it by making a milkshake with ice cream and other ingredients that count as real food items, then order her a lifetime supply (send the bill to White Oprah's accountant aka The Curious Case of Ali Lohan).

And if you walk by Millions of Milkshakes today and see a giant FAIL MINUS sign from the health department in the window, you now know why.

If you happen to see a cloud of locusts flying through Southampton, it's because Michael Lohan and Jon Gosselin were both seen there together....on a double date. Let's all join hands, because this is the end of days.

Guest of a Guest got the disturbing news from a friend who said, “Just saw skeeze-fest ‘09 John Gosselin and Michael Lohan walking through Southampton with blonde bimbos in tow." Michael, Jon and their skanks did some shopping and had lunch. No word yet on how many innocent victims barfed themselves to death at the sight of these two greasy anal beads.

This is some Night at the Roxbury shit! Seriously, I think we need to press the button and evacuate before it gets worse. There's a good chance that both KFed and Papa Joe will join this douche-tourage. Shit. That's the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse right there. EVACUATE!

.....you know some straight up undiluted fuckery is going to come pouring out (along with a little back-up nut soup). In an interview with the Daily Mirror, Rupert Everett doesn't hold his mouth hole back about everything from Fishsticks Paltrow to Obama to Michael Jackson. Let's see what Mr. Constipated Face had to say about the latter first....

"He was a freak. He looked like a character from Shrek. He was a black to white minstrel. He was crucified by that court case when he was accused of child molestation - that killed him. He personified the pain and anxiety of a black man in a slave country. We all watched as he changed from black to white. He was living performance art. I think it was fortuitous that he died. He was supposed to be doing 50 concerts in London. It wouldn't have mattered how good or bad he was. He wouldn't have managed to do all of them and the press would have destroyed him."

What I think Rupert is trying to say is that the world threw so many caca nuggets at Michael Jackson that it's better for him that he's moonwalking through the clouds above free of all the shit. Si? Rupert just has a way of sounding like his words are coming out of a colonic tube. I can relate. Now, let's see what he has to say about Obama....

"We're living in very strange times. We have Michael Jackson, a black man who has gone white, and we have President Barack Obama, who is a half-white man gone black. It's absolutely fascinating to watch."

And he lost me there! Let's see if he can get me back with his comparison of Fishsticks and Katie Price....

"If I had the choice of being on a desert island with Jordan or Gwyneth Paltrow, I would choose Jordan. With Jordan you get the truth. She's treated like a quasi-hooker, whereas Gwyneth is seen as the patron saint of good living. Which one has more integrity? I would much rather have Jordan any day."

Aaaaaaaand he's got me back. Now that is a statement I can sign off on with confidence. Harvey will be my co-signer.

You can always count on the sad melting bull dog's asshole that is Joe Jackson to bring the crazy. Joe did just that on Larry King last night. Larry asked Joe about the allegations that he beat Michael Jackson. Joe said he made no mistakes as a father and never beat his son. Surprisingly, the clouds didn't go dark and a giant bolt of lightning did not strike Joe down. No. Joe went on to skip through the fields of crazy by blaming the media and said beating started in the slave days. Then, he said something about how a lot of parents spank their kids.

Come on! Joe knows the difference between a pow pow on the nalgas (that's what mothers call it these days, right?) and a whipping with a switch. Abuelita's everywhere just gave a "HUH?" side-eye to that last part.

Sticking your tongue into an ashtray filled with wet ciggie butts, used condoms and crunchy loogies outside of a truck stop in Barstow, CA probably tastes better than licking on Katherine Heeeeiiiggggggl. Put a nicotine patch on Gerry's tongue! Seriously, gird your whore tongue, Gerry! It's out of control. But on a positive note, I think Hagel's cheek has genital warts now. That fits since she's a mega cuntface.

Here's Gerry and Hagel at the L.A. premiere of The Ugly Truth yesterday. The ugly truth is that my throat is having a seizure due to the fact that Hagel is wearing a load of pearl necklaces (yes, my brain always goes there). Bitch did that on purpose.

People reports that Squinty Zellweger will star in a third Bridget Jones movie. This means that Squinty can actually start eating real food (instead of ice chips and tangerine seeds) again, because bitch will have to pack on the chunk.

Since BABIES!!! are in now, the third movie will focus on Bridget trying to knocked up before her ovaries dry up. Expect a scene where Hugh Grant and Colin Firth have a slap fight in Bridget's amniotic fluid puddle.

Shooting will begin later this year, so that gives Squinty some time to devour everything on This Is What You're Fat. Actually, she could probably gain 20 pounds just by staring at the pictures for a long time.

If Squinty can't gain the weight in time, the producers should fast forward the third movie 20 years. That why they can just plop a blonde wig on Kirstie Alley and squirt lemon juice in her eyes. There's Bridget Jones! Seriously, this is the role Kirstie Alley has been eating for her entire life!

My abuelita once told me a suspect story about how when she was a little girl, a roach crawled into her cousin's ear while she was sleeping. Her cousin's mom drowned the roach out by pouring oil in her ear. Well, this story is the roach and it has crawled deep into my ear. I'm thisclose to letting the bottle of Wesson in my kitchen cabinet piss in my ear to stop the madness. Grab some veggie oil and read on....

Last month, The National Enquirer broke a story about the alleged affair between 72-year-old Morgan Freeman and his 27-year-old step-granddaughter E'Dena Hines. E'Dena is the granddaughter of Morgan's first wife and he raised her since she was a little girl. Some source type said that his relationship with E'Dena was the reason why his second marriage went belly up.

The Enquirer is now saying that Morgan is planning to marry E'Dena once his divorce from his second wife is finalized. The source said, "Morgan has led her to believe that he wants to marry her. Becoming Mrs. Morgan Freeman has been E'Dena's goal."

You know, I kind of want to say that Morgan has played God, the President and is the official voice of the penguins, so he can do whatever he wants. However, having the same cum bucket list as Woody Allen is not necessarily a good thing.

And I'll believe this 100% when I see Morgan and E'Dena's wedding pictures exclusively on Awkward Family Photos.

Okay, okay, Jessica Simpson's version of the National Anthem didn't make bald eagles bawl or try to peck out their own ears, but I'm sure they shed a few tears. My ear holes sure fucking did.

The chili cook-off chanteuse almost busted her dress open while singing at the AT&T National Golf Tournament in DC yesterday. There's no need to shout when you've got a microphone in your hand. You are not honoring Billy Mays by doing that, so just quit it.

Jessica's "sober pig getting circumcised with a nail clipper" yodel probably held the game up, because all of the holes on the green closed up during her performance. But you know Papa Joe's hole only widened while he watched Jessica's blow job faces (and her PJ-approved nipples).

No, this isn't lost footage from Katie Couric's colon cam. It's also not a clip from Tommy Girl's sex tape or shots of Parasite Hilton's used tampon. It's video from a sewer cam in North Carolina of something that will haunt my stomach for days to come. Fuck lunch. Fuck dinner. Fuck eating. And fuck toilets too, because I know this dark-sided shit beast has the power to crawl up and pay your ass a visit. There's no room in my ass for more grossness. I'm sorry.

Gawker says that the creature of my nightmares is nothing but a mound of worms who have attached themselves to roots. Knowing this still didn't curb my dry heaves. The damage is done.

Do we get a vote in this? Seriously! The FDA is trying to keep us from Vicodin and Percocet, because of their effects on the liver. Once my liver wakes up from its coma, it will testify (in a slurry voice) that Vicodin has only had a positive effect on it.

It get worse, the FDA also wants to lower the maximum dose of over-the-counter acetaminophen. That means your after dinner snack of Tylenol PM won't be as strong! And how are we going to cope around children?! The FDA must think of the children!!!!!

Ugh. I'm so moving to Tijuana.