Why Are You Doing This To Us?

You might have been wondering why your stomach is growling more than usual this morning. No, it wasn't the bad jizz you ate last night. It was your stomach sensing that it's about to go through some serious shit, because reportedly a Sarah Silverman/Jimmy Kimmel sex tape is about hit the internet. Yeah, you probably won't hear from your genitals for a few days. They aren't going to come out until it's safe.

Zack Taylor (via ONTD) says that some source sent him a few screen shots that are supposedly of Jimmy Kimmel giving it to Sarah Silverman missionary-style (BORING!). Apparently, the 15-minute tape that was shot a few years ago is being shopped around. The source added that Sarah and Jimmy bumped tittays on tape while on vacation at some resort. When they left, they forgot to take the camera with them and a resort employee got their hands on it. That's the story.

Based on the screen shots alone, that could be absolutely anybody or anything. It could be Guillermo, it could be Jon Grosselin, it could be Kate Gosselin's possum head, it could be Khloe Kardashian without her weave on or it could be my Uncle Werner after getting his back waxed.

Let's just pretend this post never happened. I mean, porn isn't supposed to make your fuck parts sad.

UPDATE: A rep for both Jimmy and Sarah says it isn't them in the sex tape. Wait, so maybe it is my Uncle Werner after all!

Unfortunately, this isn't about a feature film version of Rebbie Jackson's musical piece of art Centipede. I wish. No, this post is about a horror movie that is currently making people heave up their vitals organs and cry for their dealers on the film festival circuit.

Shock Till You Drop's got the synopsis:

Two American girls are on a road trip through Europe. In Germany they end up with a broken car in the woods. They search for help and find an isolated villa. The next day they awake to find themselves trapped in a terrifying make shift basement hospital along with a Japanese man. A German man identifies himself as a retired surgeon specialized in separating Siamese twins.However his three "patients" are not about to be separated, but joined together in an horrific operation. He plans to be the first person to connect people via their gastric system, in doing so bringing to life his sick lifetime fantasy "the human centipede".

So all you whores out there better beware when you answer a Craigslist ad asking for "ass-to-mouth," because this could be what he's talking about! Bring some lip chap and a breath mint, because you could be there for a long ass time.

And this movie could also be called "Just A Regular Night At Russell Brand's House." Well, sans the whole "surgically attaching bitches to each other's gastric systems" thing. Sucio!

(Thanks White Lightning)

The wart hogs of the world can breathe a sigh of relief tonight, because Khloe Kardashian will not be out hunting them at midnight like usual. That's because she'll be too busy barfing up the essence of holy matrimony! Khloe Kardashian is officially someone's wife! Actually, the wedding might have been just for show since they haven't worked out the prenup yet. Anychynasclitistinglingoverthis...

People confirms that Khloe Kardashian married Lamar Odom in Beverly Hills tonight after dating for about three and a half minutes. The two became husband and beast in front of 250 guests including Ryan Gaycrest, Kelly Osbourne, Kobe Bryant, Lara Spencer, Chelsea Handler, Lala Vasquez and a dozen cameras from E!. Yes, it was as intimate as Katie Couric's colon exam.

Khloe was walked down the aisle by Bruce Jenner, his old face, Kim Kardashian, Kim's fat ass and Kourtney. She wore a gown made by Vera Wang and the guests gave her an A+++ for her tuck game. Khloe's bridesmaids included her two half-sisters Kendall and Kylie who entertained the weddings guests with their pole dancing skills.

The wedding went off without a hitch. Well, there only one awkward moment. When white doves were released during the ceremony, Khloe jumped up into the air, caught one with her mouth and bit its head off. It's instinct!

Let's all stick our asses up in the air and fart one out for the newest spokescouple for marriage and true love! I'm sure they'll prove us hating bitches wrong (no they won't).

There's really nothing shocking about this since we've already been farted on by a Transformers movie and a G.I. Joe movie. So why not Barbie?! Variety reports that Universal Pictures and Mattel have decided to get into bed together and produce a movie starring everyone's favorite plastic tittied blonde (sorry, Kim Zolciak).

Apparently, this shit will be a live action movie. They are looking for writers now and trying to decide where to take the movie. Lawrence Mark, one of the producers, said, “Barbie may be the most popular girl in the world, and has always been a wonderfully aspirational figure, so we must do her proud."

All "Why?Why?Why?" comments aside, this could be an Oscar-winning role for a very lucky actress. The Barbie movie could get into some deep shit.

Think about it. It could start off being all about pink corvettes, rubber heels and pearl earrings. Then shit will get serious on Barbie and Ken's wedding night when they find out they don't have any goddamn genitals or nipples! Ken and Barbie will try to fuck, but they can't! Bitches can't even take a shit! That will fuck you up.

So Barbie and Ken fall into a deep depression which leads them into a dark world of drugs. Barbie and Ken grow more and more hateful towards the world, because everyone else has fuck parts but them. So they pick up strangers in bars promising them a wild night of sex, but what they really get is their genitals cut off by Barbie! If Barbie can't have a vagina, neither can you!

I'm telling you, Oscars all around!

No, this is not a picture of swine flu victim Marilyn Manson (see below) in his jammies. It's Nicolas Cage in a test shot for Superman back when Tim Burton was going to direct the remake.

This shit looks more like SuperDepressedTranny, because Nicolas couldn't look less excited about this mess. Or maybe he's trying to secretly push out a stubborn fart bubble while stoned out of his skull. And I'm sure that fart reeked less than Superman Returns.

Source VIA Buzzfeed

Khloe Kardashian became engaged to L.A. Laker Lamar Odom after dating for only a few weeks and now E! News says the two will get married this Sunday in California. The Prop 8 supporters have won....or maybe they have lost. I'm not sure.

Apparently, wedding guests have already been called and invites will go out later this week. When asked about it, Khloe would only say, "I cannot confirm or deny…" Beast, please.

There's only a few reasons to get married after knowing a bitch for a quick minute and they are: a) You need a green card b) BABY!!! c) Bitch has got real money and you're not about to let that go or d) publicity.

In Khloe's case, I'm going to say this is a definitely a C and D situation and possibly a B situation too. I just hope Khloe threatens to rip out Lamar's heart with her bare teeth during the next full moon if he makes her sign a prenup. This fartytale marriage is going to last about as long as my last bowel movement, so Khloe better make sure she doesn't crawl away empty-handed.

Brian Austin Green might soon suffer a greater pain that having to kiss on Tori Spelling's "hungover Admiral Ackbar" face, because Megan Fox tells Rolling Stone (via P6) that she has wanted to shoot and stab him during arguments.

Megan mouth-farted, "My temper is ridiculously bad. I've had to say to Brian, 'You have to go and stop talking to me, because I'm going to kill you. I'm going to stab you with something, please leave. I'd never own a gun for that reason. I wouldn't shoot to kill. But I would shoot him in the leg, for sure."

This is funny since I'm sure 99% of you have shouted at your screen for Megan to stop talking before you track her down to stuff a diaper in her mouth hole.

And Megan already owns a dangerous weapon that shoots bullets made out of bullshit, it's called HER MOUTH. Shoot to kill....brain cells.

It's like Jon Gosselin simultaneously barfed, snotted, vommed and jizzed all over the always-elegant CoCo! ILLEGAL! How did CoCo let this happen? CoCo needs to listen to her body. Those tears on the side are not part of the dress. CoCo's booty of destruction is slowly trying to expel itself of the douchiness covering it. CoCo's ass is making the Hulk and is trying to rip that Ed Hardy shit off!

By the end of the night, CoCo was probably wondering why there was a yeasty puddle beneath her. It was from her camel toe weep weep weeeeeeeeeping. Don't do your body like that anymore, CoCo. Just say NO to Ed Hardy.

There are some tattoos that you just want to lick and rub your nipples on (ADMIT IT). And there are some that you just want to hiss at and throw holy water at it. Ed Westwick's new tattoos fall under the latter category.

Ed posted pictures of two ENORMOUS ink skidmarks he got on each arm. One is a feather, which I'm guessing means he's light as feather (gay) and stiff as a board (always horny for peen). The other tattoo is a half-nekkid pin-up which is Ed's way of saying "I LOVES VAGINAZ." Yup, doesn't work. Especially when the look on his face is saying, "PUT A DICK ON MY FOREHEAD."

Right before Gay Fish made the MTV VMAs all about him by breaking the heart of a toddler, he was strolling around the venue with a bottle of Henny in one hand and his leased snatch in the other. Speaking of, Amber Rose was slowly being eaten alive by a python, but Kanye West only has eyes for himself so he didn't notice.

Well, bitches were saying that Kanye was drunker than Wino's nipples before and during the awards show. Surprisingly, Kanye didn't throw all the blame on Henny when he farted out this half-assed yet entertaining non-apology on his blog last night. Sorry, Kanye, the magic of the CAPS LOCK KEY can't even save you now. Here's a little drunk blogging courtesy of Gay Fish:

“I’M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM. I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD’VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SHE’S IN THE BLEACHERS! …………………… I’M IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER MOMENT!…………….. BEYONCE’S VIDEO WAS THE BEST OF THIS DECADE!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT MTV. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I’M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!! NO DISRESPECT BUT WE WATCHIN’ THE SHOW AT THE CRIB RIGHT NOW CAUSE … WELL YOU KNOW!!!! I’M STILL HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! YOU ARE VERY VERY TALENTED!!! I GAVE MY AWARDS TO OUTKAST WHEN THEY DESERVED IT OVER ME… THAT’S WHAT IT IS!!!!!!! I’M NOT CRAZY YALL, I’M JUST REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!! I REALLY FEEL BAD FOR TAYLOR AND I’M SINCERELY SORRY!!! MUCH RESPECT!!!!!”

Good lord, I want to Fabreze that entire statement, because it reeeeeeks of Henny barf, microwaved bull shit, and Taylor Swift's tears (aww). You can tell this is every shade of NOT SINCERE, because he only used ten zillion exclamation points instead of ten zillion and one.