Why Are You Doing This To Us?

I am directing the above comment at myself for continuing to feed the famewhores. Yes, I've read the signs outside of their cages and my mother even told me that throwing them crumbs will only make things worse. The first step is admitting it, right? Actually, I think the first step should be slapping the caca out of me. Dear Mah Boo, my face is ready to be slapped by your hand... or silvah peen.

This is supposedly Twit & Twat arriving at LAX last night after leaving the jungles of Costa Rica and the set of I'm A Stupid Fuck...Oh Who Cares About This SHIT! Or is it them? E! says that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are actually still in Costa Rica and will make their grand return to the show tonight. Their prayers to Jesus were answered and the producers took them back after they begged.

So this is just some lame stunt created by the producers to get us to believe that the two dick farts are back in the States. Really? This is the best they could do. There's no way Heidi and Spencer would ever cover their b-holes faces up with that many cameras around. It's against their nature! They hear a flash and their famewhoring gene immediately takes over. It's just like how the sound of someone unzipping forces me to my knees. I'm a total mess in dressing rooms.

And try not spit up any of the sweet nectar out of shock when Twit & Twat's "surprising return" is revealed tonight. Again, I'm directing that comment at myself, because I'm the only dumb bitch who watches this suck show.

I never even heard about Spectacular from Pretty Ricky before he started grinding his shit all over the internet and I doubt I'm alone. Obviously, since his music career has flat-lined, Spectacular is trying to become the premiere ass shaker of YouTube. Jessica Simpson, take note!

In his encore performance, Spectacular continues to serve up laughs and dry heaves by violating a chair. I can almost see tears streaming down that chair's leg when Spectacular starts dry humping that shit. I think I even see lipstick on him!!! CHAIR ABUSE! Seriously, what in the rent-to-own Hell is he doing to that poor chair! He's trying to make little chair babies with that thing. He's even doing ass-to-mouth with it! It did not sign up for this! We really have to start protecting our chairs, because this will never be right.

The unprotected fuckery starts at the 1:30 mark in the video below.

If Pink could, she would wear a furry bra made out of Kanye West's nut bush and chaps made out of his skin (how very Buffalo Bill of her). I think we all do, but Pink has her own reasons. At Stella McCartney's fashion show in March, Kanye made Pink so angry that she could've eaten a strap-on. In an interview with FHM (via The Sun), Pink says that Kanye West hates furry little creatures.

Pink said, "Kanye West is the person pissing me off right now. I was at STELLA McCARTNEY's Paris fashion show with the vice president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, PAUL McCARTNEY and Kanye West. The entire time Kanye is going, 'They need more fur in this show'. He just wouldn't shut up about how he loved fur. I mean, he's saying this to me, the PETA guy and Paul McCartney! I was just so grossed out by him. I'm like, 'You're an idiot!' There are so many people who I think are a waste of skin and he's up there. I should wear him. Go on, donate yourself Kanye. People can wear your fur."

Kanye's MacBook Air can stop shaking in fright, because I doubt this has made the mighty Lord of the Caps-Lock mad. In fact, Pink gave him an idea. Why wear animal fur when you can wear something even better: A KANYE SKIN SUIT! Kanye popped a nut thinking of a world with a million Kanyes walking around. Cloning gone wrong! Thank you for that, Pink.

Earlier this week, a sparkly lightning bolt hit the internet and I don't think it will ever be the same. Spectacular from Pretty Ricky popped out the baby oil, slathered himself down, slipped into a pair of sexy red panties from the Mervyn's close-out sale and gyrated like someone put a q-tip in his ass. The purpose: Spectacular had nothing else better to do so he challenged other R&B singers to a grind-off.

After a bunch of commenters said he looked like one of the glittery gays of YouTube, Spectacular responded to MTV, "Everybody knows I'm not gay. Them little tight man drawers ... I bought 'em to show off my cuts in my stomach. I wanted to show off my body. The underwear was for the ladies."

What ladies is he speaking of? The only hos I know who would bust panty pudding over this video have grey hair, wear Geoffrey Beene shirts buttoned all the way, spend their free time "just strolling" around truck stop bathrooms, have no less than 6 webcams in their home and go by the name Bob. For the record, Bob has a penis and not a vagina.

Spectacular should've just said, "I'm just here for comedy relief!" Speaking of RELIEF, feast your eyes on this hot churning tub of butter who responded to Spectacular's challenge.

A couple of birthdays ago, I made a wish that before I die I'd like to receive a face dance from Aretha Franklin's magnificent chichis. This is the closest I will ever get to that wish coming true, so I thank Keith for this. Now make that butter, because the bread is dry!

A hurricane of fugness attacked Palm Springs this weekend when Tori Spelling decided to venture out in public in a bikini. Ring the fuck alarm! Seriously, does Tori hate humanity that much?! Okay, okay, I'll try and be nice for once in my life. Tori does have a face that only an entomologist could love. And titty balls that only a shot putter would touch. See, I can be nice sometimes!

In related news, thousands of eyeballs were seen hitchhiking along Highway 111.

If you really love feeling dry heavey, take a look at more pictures of Tori. And one of these pictures is not of Tori, her baby or her creepy husband. You are a genius with laser-sharp eyesight if you can correctly guess which one.

The Supreme Court in California voted 6-1 to NOT throw Prop 8 it in a casket and then bury it. Prop 8 lives on. Cut to trillions of gays (including this one) and gayelles making sad faces. Why do you want to make us weepy in the face, California? When a lesbian sheds a tear, a Home Depot closes its doors forever. Nobody wants that.

The only good news it that the 18,000 same-sex marriages that were performed before Prop 8 passed will remain valid.

My favorite gayelle memaw, Phyllis Lyon, quickly issued a response and said everything will be OK one day. If Phyllis says it will, then it will! A gayelle memaw doesn't lie!

Visit Towleroad if you're interested in demonstration information.

THESE BITCHES! Robin Wright and Sean Penn's divorce is off again for like the ten millionth time this year! How hard is it to quit a bitch?! Just skip away and jump on some new peen. Damn!

People says that Sean Penn filed a request in court today asking if he can snort up the legal separation papers he submitted last month. A lawyer-type who isn't working on the case says this probably means they are trying to superglue their marriage together AGAIN. I guess this means Natalie Portman dropped his wang in the gutter for good.

This isn't the ten millionth time Sean has canceled his divorce, it's the second time, but it feels like we've been down this road over and over again. Can we all file a class action divorce against the both of them?

And why does Robin keep taking his whore ass back?! Robin, I know he's coming to you with pussy jelly on his dick and the white shit on his nose, promising that it will be the last time, but it won't! It will happen every night for the rest of your life. Just let the bitch be gone already and lock the door.

Below is a theatrical interpenetration of Sean and Robin's marriage. Just play that shit on a loop and there's their marriage. Actually, this is everyone's marriage. Actually, this is everyone's LIFE.

Martin Scorcese is about to begin work on a splashy big-budget biopic of Frank Sinatra's life and every ho on this planet is willing to lick some nut in order to play Ol' Blue Eyes himself. Seriously, don't act like you haven't already e-mailed Martin Scorcese a YouTube clip of you wearing some broke ass fedora while singing "Strangers in the Night."

Everybody thinks Martin is going to cast Leonardo DiCaprio as Sinatra, because he can't take a doody without Leo in the room. But a source told Page Six that it doesn't seem likely, because Leo looks nothing like Sinatra. According to the source, Marty has narrowed it down to a few names including Johnny Depp and James Franco. Other hos in consideration are Jake Gyllenhaal, Harry Connick Jr. , Jon Hamm Michael Buble, Marky Mark and Justin Timberdouche. YES, Justin Timberdouche! Can I get an extra-large order of WTF?!

I mean, Justin is a big dick, so maybe he can play Sinatra's famously large peen, but that's it! If Martin casts Justin as Sinatra, it's time to shut down the movie-making business forever. The butchery has to end sometime! We can entertain ourselves with shadow puppets around the campfire.

And if Martin is really considering that dick bag Justin, he should give this versatile actor a shot first. STAINS will work for cupcakes!

A Spanish study shows that there's cocaine in the air in Madrid and Barcelona. For those of you that didn't bust into a kayak and start paddling your ass across the Atlantic ocean upon hearing this news, I will go on.

According to MSNBC, scientists found traces of amphetamines, opiates, cannabinoids and lysergic acid (street name: The Wino Breakfast) at two air quality control stations in each city. It's no shock that the amount of cokey in the air grows thicker on the weekends.

The science bitches also did studies in other European cities, but Barcelona and Madrid came out on top. In Madrid, they found around 850 picograms of Blohan dust per cubic meter of air. In Rome, they only found 100 picograms per cubic meter.

Unfortunately, one scientist said the amount of bad shit in the air isn't enough to get you rolling, "Not even if we lived for a thousand years would we consume the equivalent of a dose of cocaine by breathing this air." Thanks for ruining my day, scientist man.

But you know that's still not going to stop Wino, Pete Doherty and Blohan from flying their asses over to Barcelona for some "fresh air." If you see their crackie asses feverishly snorting up the air in Spain, you know why.

You know, the last time I was in Spain, I found myself dancing to absolutely anything. This explains it.

Image via ICHC (Thanks David)

Pour a little battery acid in your Sanka and drink up, because you're going to need it to deal with this skanktardian pig shit! Jesus-loving Christian Heidi Montag has a new broke ass home video out for her single "Blackout." The title is fitting since Twit & Twat are in a permanent blackout.

This video makes Girls Gone Wild look like it was directed by Cecil B. DeMille. This cacaness ain't even worth a box of Canels. Heidi can't even do jazz hands, right!

They made this shit in Mexico, so I was going to make a joke about the oinky ills, but even the swine flu wouldn't get near these two assholes. It said, "I'll fucking pass" and moved right along.