Why Are You Doing This To Us?

Playgrounds, Chuck E. Cheeses and the ball pit at McDonald's are all empty today, because a million Beliebers were hospitalized for dehydration after they drooled out all of the water in their system from looking at The Lesbeaver's 18-year-old ass crack. UsWeekly says that Justin Bieber "accidentally" (read: bitch meant to do it) posted Usher's new iPhone wallpaper on Instagram yesterday. It didn't take long before everyone realized that it wasn't a picture straight from the IHOP menu. It was a picture of the Biebs' Canadian pancake ass. The Biebs deleted it a few minutes after he posted it, but no thanks to the "right click save" function, it now lives on the internet forever.

If you really need to see the uncensored version, then give me a few minutes to call the emergency room to let them know to have a squirt bottle of retina Clorox, a Braille trainer and an Exorcist on standby, because you might need them all. Brace yourself and CLICK!

In other Bieb news, his mom Pattie Mallette is executive producing a pro-life short film starring the Doritos Lady. Patti said in a statement that she hopes her anti-abortion movie will "encourage young women all over the world, just like me, to let them know that there is a place to go, people who will take care of you and a safe home to live in if you are pregnant and think you have nowhere else to turn."

You know, I don't think Pattie needs to release her anti-abortion movie now that Justin Bieber has Instagrammed his ass. Just one look at that picture and your baby-making parts will shrivel up and retire forever.

It's been approximately thirty seconds since Kanye West's gay fish sperm shoved its way into one of Kim Kartrashian's ovary eggs, and whores are already offering them millions of dollars for the first pictures of their spawn. TMZ says that an overseas tabloid promised to stick a wad of $3 million cash in between Kanye West's luscious tit cleavage in exchange for the EXCLUSIVO rights to publish the first pictures of the Illuminati golden child and they were turned down. Future professors of fame whorism will remember this day as the day that money-grubbing whore Kim Kardashian actually shook her head "no" to a pile of money.

Brangelina's chosen ones still hold the record for getting the most cash for the first pictures of their newborn faces. They got $14 million and the first pictures of Shiloh went for $4 million. The first pictures of JLo and Skeletor's Dragon Tales Twins cost $6 million. So we all know what Kim and Kanye are doing. Bitches are holding out for a bigger paycheck. Like Kim's baby is really going to roll out of her womb for ONLY $3 million.

Pimp Mama Kris is already mad at her prized pig for not selling her baby announcement to the highest bidder, so Kim is going to make it up to her by selling every single part of her baby's birth. When Kim's baby doctor breaks her water during her scheduled c-section, PMK is going to catch all that water in a bucket, bottle it and then sell it in the hospital waiting room. Then when Baby Kimye is pulled out of Kim's body, PMK is going to take a picture of its right foot, run into the hospital waiting room, stand behind the auctioneer's podium and shout, "Okay, okay, we've got the fist picture of Baby Kimye's right foot! Starting bid at $1 million. Can I get $1 million? $1 million from People! Do I hear a $1.5? $1.5 from Life & Style! Can I get $2 million? Anyone, $2 million? No? Anyone? Going once, going twice...SOLD to Life & Style for $1.5 million! Our next lot is the first picture of Baby Kimye's right butt cheek. It's the perfect picture for your 'Did Baby Kimye Get Its Mother's Butt?' cover story. Starting bid is at $10 million!"

Here's Kim at the airport in Miami yesterday.

While I pulled some Freaky Friday shit and took over Kathy Griffin's body to try to give a faux beej to The Silver Fox, this photoboming dude in the middle of Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian acted on behalf of humanity by throwing a "Are you there God? It's me, the face of humanity. For why did you allow this to happen?!" look of desperation at 1OAK's New Year's Eve party in Las Vegas on Monday night. Meanwhile, Kim is cackling up at the heavens, because she knows that in a few months she's going to butt birth out the chosen spawn of Lucifer and there's nothing God can do about it. I hope God gets the last laugh when Kim gives birth to a drooling cave baby that looks just like Kris Humphries.

While looking like thirty pounds of rotten smoked gouda wrapped in one of Cher's old costumes, Kim continued her reign as Pimp Mama Kris' most prized pig by hosting 1OAK's New Year's Eve party for a check. Kanye also showed up to the party, because he wanted to flash his smuggest smug face since his gay sperm fish has been where literally a billion different kinds of sperm fishes have been before (read: her baby making areas) and has done what none of them were able to do (read: knocked her up). Kim told UsWeekly at 1OAK's party that so far she hasn't had a case of the barfs at all:

"I have felt good. I haven't had any morning sickness, but it still isn't the easiest. People always say it's easy and fun. It's definitely an adjustment learning about your body and stuff like that. I've been feeling really good so that's good."

Kim might not be heaving up gallons of barf, but I'm pretty sure all of humanity is. Yes, this is how it ends. Civilization will drown in its own ocean of barf after reading every single detail about the Kimye baby. Or after seeing this picture of PMK in her freakum dress.

And if you want to infuse your barfs with a sprinkling of HAHAHAs, just read all about how Kim isn't planning on whoring out her baby. Kim Kardashian not planning to whore out her first born is...well...like Kim Kardashian not planning to whore out her first born.

You know how you were taking a walk on Sunday night and a drop of white goop fell on your forehead? You thought it was just a pigeon shitting from above. But nope, that wasn't it. It was Pimp Mama Kris' panty pudding flying out of her snatch after she learned that the STUNT QUEEN BABIES of all STUNT QUEEN BABIES is in her daughter's womb. At his show in Atlantic City, Gay Fish announced that he put a baby in Kim Kardashian. The Mayans got it wrong. December 21, 2012 wasn't supposed to be the last day of the world. It's (insert the date that Kim butt births out her first born). I CAN'T even, so I'll let E! News take it from here:

E! News has confirmed with the Kardashian family that Kim is expecting her first child with the rapper. But it was West who already spilled the exciting news to a few hundred concertgoers.

During his Atlantic City show on Sunday night, West decided to announce that Kim was expecting to all his fans. Kanye West says he "ain't crazy."

And the congratulatory tweets have already begun for the future parents. "Congrats to Kim and Kanye. Happy for both of them... bit.ly/YE4Uzh," Russell Simmons tweeted, while the Kardashians all showed their joy for the newest member of the family. "Im a happy girl !!!!!!!!! Wowza! Oh BABY BABY BABY," Kris Jenner tweeted. Khloé Kardashian Odom wrote, "Keeping secrets is hard with so many family members! Especially when you are so freaking excited!!!!! LOVE is everything!!!!" Kourtney Kardashian also went to Twitter with, "Been wanting to shout from the rooftops with joy and now I can! Another angel to welcome to our family. Overwhelmed with excitement!"

Kim is about 12 weeks pregnant.

12 weeks?! That means Kim Kartrashian is going to birth out a baby about the same time as Duchess Kate is going to push out the future Queen of King of England. Oh here go hell come. We should all say goodbye to oxygen, because Kim's ass is going to get so HUGE that it's going to take over most of the world and all of our faces will be pressed against he earth's surface when she reaches her last trimester.

And well, now we know that you can get knocked up from letting your piece piss on your ass. And I bet the Illuminati's chosen one will be named King Kimye. Lord help us all! Jesus take the bedazzled wheel.

Just when I was starting to stupidly think that Shia LaBeouf's hotness was slowly surpassing his natural doucheness, he goes and commits an act against all that is holy.

Wearing half of hell's official uniform, Shia pumped gas in Los Angeles the other day. A CROC on its own looks like Lucifer's anal canal and adding a sock takes it unholy levels of NO. Shia obviously subscribes to the hipster theory that the uglier it is, the more high fashion it is. This is only the beginning. Brace your eyeballs, because soon we'll see hundreds of hipsters marching on the dirt of Coachella with tube socks and CROCs on their feet. This is worse than socks with Adidas sandals. And Shia just had to complete the trinity of evil by wearing jorts. I hate him for this.

And yes, I just blasted a dude for his sense of style while wearing a cardigan, pocket-less sweats (Note: Buying pocket-less sweats is the dumbest thing I've ever done. Where am I supposed to put my fun size Snickers wrappers when I eat Halloween candy on the sofa each night?), a Mickey Mouse t-shirt and plaid socks. But at least I'm not wearing CROCs! I mean, I want to go heaven after all.

Some days I really regret going onto the wonderland of beautiful foolery known as The Daily Mail and today is one of those days. Today they have a video from World Star Hip Hop of a woman playing with the Simon game in her ass. Did we not learn anything from The Floppy Ass of '07 or the Fix-A-Flat Ass of '11? No, a butt bag full of silicone isn't supposed to do that.

As much as this terrifies me, I'm going to try to look at the positive. If the "butt cheeks permanently pressed up against a glass window" look every becomes a thing, homegirl can say that she started it. And if you're ever lying next to her at the beach, you can flip her ass implant around and use her butt as a table for your beer. Yes, her nalgas look like a pig snout, but sometimes having an end table ass is a good thing.

And her ass still looks better than Kim Katrashian's ass.

Paying the Barbizon of music, Ark Music Factory, thousands of dollars to turn your tween daughter into the next Rebecca Black is one thing, but pulling your tween daughter out of school so she can perform the song live on national television is a serious case of child abuse. For the past 6 nights, I'm sure most of you woke up in the middle of the night, mumbling the words "the turkey ay... mashed potatoes ay" as cold sweat drips into your mouth and that's because of Nicole Westbrook's ear worm of a song "Thanksgiving."

Nicole Westbrook was on Access Hollywood Live today to "sing" her ode to turkey with that grown man rapper who is also the owner of Ark. Nicole's song is actually the perfect theme song for Thanksgiving, because if you speed it up and play it backwards, it will sound exactly like the massacre of thousands of Native Americans.

I can't with any of this, but I really can't with Billy Bush. The dancing at the 3:15 mark is not cute even as a joke. There's a reason why there's several stools and chairs on that set. It's so Billy Bush can have a seat and refrain from busting out moves of any kind. And Billy Bush's stupid ass just had to tell Nicole Westbrook that she was going to be a star. That's not surprising. Billy Bush is made of recycled Teddy Ruxpin parts and Teddy Ruxpin was, is and will always be a LIAR! I mean, he told me we were always going to be friends and where is his ass now? Exactly. Teddy Ruxpin is nothing but a deadbeat talking toy.

Barbara Walters' arch rival Lindsay Lohan is continuing to pimp out Liz & Dick and last night she did so (sort of) on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Proving that she's way more tolerable when she doesn't speak, LiLo performed in Jimmy's "Let Us Play With Your Look" skit while looking like Janine from Ghostbusters after moving to the Village of the Damned. LiLo really has come a long way, because I can't believe she's got that much white stuff on her hands and she's not trying to snort, smoke or lick it. Bitch is practically brand new.

Speaking of brand new, I need brand new ear drums after mine got hit and over and over again with the high-pitched shaky musical notes shooting out of Jimmy Fallon's yodel hole. Jimmy is attacking my ears and he's stealing Peter Pan Dude's signature look while doing so. This entire skit is what scientists see when they look at two of LiLo's corroded coke boogers under a microscope.

In other Blohan news, Larry Thompson, the executive producer of Liz & Dick, talked to reporters about what it was like to work with the freckled terror of Hollywood.

"We had serious challenges to deal with due to her probation and her history. Therefore we had to make a deal where there were pages and pages of ‘what if' clauses. There never was a ‘what if she can act' clause. It was about, ‘What if there is a car accident? What if there is a violation of her probation [and she's] incarcerated?' Those ‘what ifs' were plenty. She might be the most insured actress who ever walked on a soundstage. We tried to insure ourselves against things that could and, in fact, did happen. I was financially at risk myself. It was a challenge.

Overall, my gosh, relative to the performance we got and the movie we were able to make because of her, the pain was worth the pleasure. And the audience is going to benefit from the risk we took and the reward that was gained. I know there are a lot of people out there who are naysayers. And I think they're gonna be shocked—and people who have believed in her, their belief is gonna be vindicated."

Yeah, I'm pretty Larry Thompson just came out as a kinky sadomasochist of the sickest kind.

Thanks to Applebee's, Dave and Buster's, Dallas BBQ, Chevys, Red Lobster and Olive Garden, Times Square is the culinary capital of New York City and now it's the culinary capital of the world. Times Square can thank Guy Fieri (born name: Guy Ferry, which sounds like the name of John Travolta's boys, booze and blow jobs cruise) for making that happen, because that's where he opened his three-story, 500-seat gourmet emporium called Guy's American Kitchen & Bar. The New York Times reviewed Guy's latest mess of an eating place and the review is full of so much gold that I just want to slather it with donkey sauce, top it with SMC and eat it all. Let's start with the ingenious names for some of the gourmet dingles on Guy's menu:

- Guy’s Pat LaFrieda custom blend, all-natural Creekstone Farm Black Angus beef patty, LTOP (lettuce, tomato, onion + pickle), SMC (super-melty-cheese) and a slathering of Donkey Sauce on garlic-buttered brioche

- Awesome Pretzel Chicken Tenders

- Ain’t No Thing Butta Chicken Wing

- Guy-talian Nachos

The Times' Peter Wells then went off and created a masterpiece of a review. Guy's food is just like him, it's gross, full of lard and putting your mouth on it will give you a never-ending case of the wet shits. That's what it did to Peter and he let it all out in his review. Here's just a few of his greatest hits:

- Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like nuclear waste? The watermelon margarita? Any idea why it tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?

- When you hung that sign by the entrance that says, WELCOME TO FLAVOR TOWN!, were you just messing with our heads?

- What accounts for the vast difference between the Donkey Sauce recipe you’ve published and the Donkey Sauce in your restaurant? Why has the hearty, rustic appeal of roasted-garlic mayonnaise been replaced by something that tastes like Miracle Whip with minced raw garlic? And when we hear the words Donkey Sauce, which part of the donkey are we supposed to think about?

- Is the entire restaurant a very expensive piece of conceptual art? Is the shapeless, structureless baked alaska that droops and slumps and collapses while you eat it, or don’t eat it, supposed to be a representation in sugar and eggs of the experience of going insane?

- Why did the toasted marshmallow taste like fish?

ATMOSPHERE 500 seats, three levels, three bars, one chaotic mess.

SERVICE The well-meaning staff seems to realize that this is not a real restaurant.

SOUND LEVEL Rawk and roll, but at moderate volumes.

Guy's restaurant should be shut down and he should be prosecuted to the furthest extent of the law for making toasted marshmallows taste like fish. That's like a dream wrapped in a nightmare. That sounds like something you'd find on the floor of a strip club in Thailand after the strippers ran out of ping pong balls. And donkey sauce? Sauce that goes on food shouldn't make me think of Fear Factor.

Guy's restaurant sounds the kind of place where you'd pull a bleached hair out of your food and wonder if it came from the nutsack on top of his neck or the nutsack on his crotch. As temping as that sounds, I'll pass. I'll wait until Sandra Lee opens her own restaurant. It'll be a giant tablescape and the only thing she'll serve will be an economy-sized bottle of vodka and melted Otter Pops and Lemon Fresh Clorox for mixers.

Because Jerry Sandusky needs something to keep him company in his prison cell, the makers of the Sex in her Shitty and JHo love dolls are giving the world a Just-in Beaver blow-up doll. This December 26th, the sounds of the holiday season will be replaced by the sounds of water sloshing around in rubber rain boots when thousands of Beliebers lose their virginity to their Christmas gift. I'm just going to direct you toward the description for this work of fuckery, because it will make you dry heave from every more than I ever could. via ONTD

Meet Just-In Beaver, the barely legal boy-toy who’s waited 18 long years to stick his lil’ dicky in something sticky! When he’s not busy beating up paparazzi or beating off, he’s up to his high-tops in hot Hollywood tail! But the Beave-ster doesn’t have this effect just on women — he turns straight men gay faster than you can peel his skinny jeans off! So what are you waiting for, inflate this lil’ pricks’s ego even more and have your very own Beaver bash!

Just like the real thing, you need a bike pump to inflate its wang. No, I can't. You know what this mess should come with, besides maple syrup lube, a strap-on modeled after Usher's dick and Kleenex for wiping away the tears you'll shed after you realize you're fucking a Justin Bieber blow-up doll? It should come with a visit from a Chris Hansen. I know this blow-up doll is legal, but you should still end up in cable tie handcuffs for buying this shit. I blame Usher, because he's responsible for creating the real thing and he's responsible for creating this too (you know he is).