Why Are You Doing This To Us?

They teach you at Planned Parenthood that KFed's almighty sperm can break through brick walls and knock up a toaster, so if you're going to fuck with him you better wear a diaphragm made out of kryptonite. It seems that Victoria Prince didn't listen, because word on the block is that she's carrying the latest spawn of KFED.

According to the National Enquirer (via Popcrunch), Victoria recently found out she's got a case of the babies after spending a weekend in Las Vegas with KFed. I can't believe they found time to do it with all the distractions of Las Vegas around them. And by distractions, I mean the buffets. Also, how the hell did she find the dick?! Victoria is a regular Marco Polo. Anyways....

Some source said, “The test was positive. She told Kevin that she was pregnant, but he didn’t seem happy to hear the news.”

If this is true, Victoria is carrying KFed's fifth child.

As far as I know, I don't have any baby baking parts and I still wouldn't bounce on KFed unless I was okay with a baby popping out of me in 9 months. Hos should even be afraid to give him a hand job, because his super powerful pre-cum could seep into their pores and travel to their ovaries. The jizz ain't a joke.

At NYC's Jewish Center last night, Jon Grosselin and his new spiritual adviser (and fellow fame fucker) Rabbi Shmuley Boteach sat on thrones (THRONES) to discuss how he's beginning the road to redemption. Unfortunately, redemption is not a far off place where rabid possums devour used tampons whole. Darn.

Gawker says that they charged $20 at the door for this douche extravaganza! Think of all the things you could spend two tens on: a) a handjob and taint massage from the day-shift hooker of your choice b) a back alley colonic from a junkie with a wet vac or c) a date with Gary Coleman. All of those things sound more pleasant than sitting in the same room with Jon.

Anyway, here's what Jon had to say. Open your crotch up to get a good scrubbing:

Jon on fame: "I think I'm just misunderstood. I'm not a fame seeker. Everyday I look in the mirror and I wonder [why I'm famous]. I don't sing. I don't dance. I'm not a Nobel Peace Prizewinner. I just had eight kids and I had a show on TLC."

Let me stop him right there. NOT A FAME SEEKER? How did a trap door not open up when Jon said this while sitting on a throne......on stage....in front of an audience who paid $20 to hear him queef. Okay, carry on...

Jon on forgiveness: "It's hard for me because I can't forgive myself for the things I've done. So to ask for forgiveness from someone who may never forgive me is tough for me. I do apologize to Kate. I'm sorry for doing the things I did. I do ask for her forgiveness. I want to apologize to Kate in private. I'll apologize to her for openly having relationships in the public eye. That was a huge mistake, because if she would've done that to me, I would have been extremely pissed off. Not because our relationship is over, it's almost like a stab in the back. And now that I think about it, it was a very wrong thing to do. I definitely regret it."

Jon on Hailey Glassman: "We decided not to take a break, just slow things down, until I get through my divorce and I know everything is settled and okay. I don't want another failure in my relationships. I don't want to make the same mistakes I made with Kate, with Hailey. I would just be repeating the pattern over again."

My only question for Jon is where was his Ed Hardy yarmulke to cover up his bald spot? If you're going to do it, Jon. DO IT. Speaking of, I'm not Jewish, but I think I speak for all Jews when I say, "WE DON'T WANT YOU." Actually, I think I speak for the human race when I say, "WE DON'T WANT YOU."

On last night's America's Next Top Model, Ty Ty The Terrible spray painted the girls in blackface for a bi-racial photo shoot. Harry Connick Jr. just quit this bitch.

Well, on Friday's Halloween episode of The Ty Ty Show, she donned whoreface to play Kim Kardassian. Yes, this is Ty Ty's idea of a Halloween costume. What a stretch. Ty Ty should've stuffed her ass area with a few of her old weaves, because her butt isn't even as big as one of Kim's dingles.

Image: Warner Bros./Michael Loccisano

I didn't know Frederick's of Hollywood had a prostitot Halloween section? An ensemble like this was only meant to be worn while Bret Michaels tells you that your tour ends here. It was not meant to be worn by a 9-year-old girl! When is that time machine going to be ready so it take us back to the time where 9 year-olds dressed like spooky goblins, bacon-eating robots, and lumpy pumpkins?

Here's Noah Cyrus and her friend at Jamie Lee Curtis' Halloween party yesterday dressed like....like...I don't even know. And you know, I don't want to know either! Let's not skip down that road, because Chris Hansen will probably be waiting at the end.

When Noah and her friend showed up to the party, everyone probably called it a day. They did not want to end up on some government list.

We've had a good run, but I think we should all be thrown in a convent. It's Billy Ray's fault.

Just so you know that the theme of the party wasn't "Vh1 reality stars," I threw in some pictures of Jamie Lee (as Mother Nature), the Sprouse Twins (as Brad Pitt and Shiloh) and Daryl Hannah (as your office manager on Halloween).

If it's cold enough for Brit Brit to cover up her hooves in the hides of the Three Wolf Moon's hillbilly cousins (we never talk about them), then why isn't it cold enough for her to cover up pork rinds?! I will never understand. And I will also never understand Brit Brit's choice of boots. Homegirl must be going for some kind of record for being the owner of the largest collection of boots that not even a barefoot crackhead would wear during their darkest (and coldest) hour. Bitch thinks she's Nanook of the North. More like Nanooooo of the NEVER.

If Joan Collins was there, she would pull her hair back in a bun, carefully tie a crisp white napkin around her neck and then gracefully vomit all over Brit Brit's FUGGS.....while sticking her pinky out of course. The truth is from the knees up Brit Brit is glamorous to me. I mean, what's more glamorous than trailer park snatch cutters and a maternity camisole found in a bargain bin at Palais Royal? But Joan would flip her wig over this!

Below is 10-minutes of pure GLAMOUR from Joan's makeover show in the UK. Joan Collins is really saving the world with her advice on how to look like you've just stepped out of a Dynasty episode. Joan is right, we should all look like glamorous glamazons at all times. And we should also only respect people who are covered in satin, diamonds and sequins. If you don't have a Vaseline glow around you, then you aren't worth our time! Joan IS the truth.

And here's more pictures of Brit Brit and her Cheetolings going to the pitcher show yesterday. Save your "THAT BOY IS TOO OLD FOR THAT BINKY" comments. That's how the Spears family does it. Shit, Brit Brit was just weaned off the pacifier herself last year.

In the Bahamas, a judge shouted "MISTRIAL!" in the John Travolta extortion case due to possible shady jury behavior. Two people were on trial for allegedly trying to snatch $25 million from the Travolta family in exchange for their silence regarding details about their son's death in the Bahamas. Apparently, one of the defendants, an ambulance driver, threatened to tell the media that John was responsible for his son's death.

The trial went on for four looong weeks, and a verdict was expected at any minute. But last night, Picewill Forbes, a member of Parliament, announced at a political convention that defendant Pleasant Bridgewater (who should have been a 70s casino singer instead of an extorter) was acquitted of all charges. This was before an official verdict was announced by the jury. The judge in the case thinks that one of the jury members might have ran off and whispered the verdict into the politician's ear.

The judge ordered a retrial. John Travolta's attorney said that the whole thing is "weird," but his client will cooperate with the prosecution and testify again in the new trial. That's if the evil Pleasant Bridgewater even makes it to a new trial. I wouldn't be surprised if Pleasant Bridgewater suddenly disappears from real-life. Don't mess with Ron!

Source: The Los Angeles Times

Dora the Explorer and Strawberry Shortcake already have eating disorders and lost the fat, so it was only a matter of time before Rainbow Brite followed. Hallmark has sent Rainbow Brite to the plastic surgeon, stuck some extensions in hair, got her a make-up makeover at the MAC counter, and is sending her back to work beginning next year. Rainbow Brite used to look like an adorable roly poly girl, and now she looks like a chick who will try to give you a light show with her glow sticks while you're rolling on E at a rave. I can deal.

However, I cannot deal with Hallmark replacing Rainbow Brite's main gays with a trio of furry dingle berries. I mean, the old Rainbow Brite loved her gays, and the new one apparently loves hairy nutsacks with arms and legs. Yeah, no.

And if Hallmark really wants to push Rainbow Brite out on the ho stroll to compete with professional prostitots like the Bratz dolls, they are going to need to try harder. Rainbow Brite is going to need a pair of rainbow bitties, as well as a pair of lucite heels (with a rainbow light in the paltform, of course).

If you fart really loud in a crowded room, a TV executive will pitch you a reality show about it, so it's no surprise that Balloon Boy's family might get a reality show out of all this fuckery. TMZ says that the Heene family began pitching a reality show to the networks months ago. They billed themselves as a "wacky family," and approached the company who produces Wife Swap. When they got shot down there, they took their idea to TLC. TLC confirmed that the Heenes did come at them, but their show idea was turned down.

Since all the networks farted on their idea, maybe the Heenes felt they needed to pull some real shit to get noticed. The "popping a kindergarten class out of your vagina" thing has already been done, so they got creative. However, the police announced today that they completely believe that it was not a hoax and that the Heenes are telling the truth. The police also confirmed that after the balloon went up in the air, Daddy Heenes called 911 first and then called a local TV station. Daddy Heenes told the cops that he knew the local news station had a helicopter and could monitor the balloon. The police will interview the family again tomorrow after all the morning vomit has cleared.

So back to the reality show thing, I think we all should get one. ALL OF US! I mean, I should be able to turn on my TV and see you in your cubicle reading this while scratching your crotch and smelling it. You should be able to watch me pluck my nose hairs in the morning and eat microwaveable oatmeal out of a large yogurt container. Reality shows for everyone!

But if the Heenes MUST be on a reality show, they obviously need to go on Hoarders. Here's their garage:

After they are done with Hoarders. They can pay a little visit to Intervention. Their addiction? FAMEWHOOOOORING.

On Larry King last night (seeee beeeelow), Balloon Boy kind of let the publicity stunt out of the bag when he blurted out, "You said it was for a show" during the interview. CUE AWKWARD PAUSE! That's obviously not how they rehearsed it, because Balloon Boy's parents were at a lost for words. It's like when you take a hot piece home from the bar, and you rip off their chonies only to find that they've got a peen the size of button mushroom. You scream to yourself, "What the fuck am I supposed to do now?!" Well, that was basically the look on both of Balloon Boy's parents. HA.

And Wolf Blitzer proved that he needs to spend a little intimate time with a prostitute named "GET A CLUE," because he did not follow up Balloon Boy's bomb. Which leads us to Today this morning....

When Meredith Vieira asked Balloon Boy's skeezy daddy about the talk that the whole thing was just a publicity stunt, out came the barfs! I'm sure Balloon Boy wasn't the only one getting physically sick. Luckily, the family just happened to have a barf bucket at hand, so while Balloon Boy yacked it up, his father went on with the interview. In the Joe Jackson child pimp handbook, it says that if a boy barfs, keep on tapping! Balloon Boy's daddy must have read it before the interview.

The father tried to explain that Balloon Boy only said it was for a show on Larry King last night, because earlier when one of the producers asked him to recreate getting into the attic, the producer said it was "for a show." Balloon Boy's dad also said he was sickened by the accusations that a family who was on Wife Swap twice would actually fake something like this for publicity. Yeah, he wasn't the only one getting sick obviously.

So what's the moral of this story? Never EVER trust a grown ass man with boy band hair circa 1991!

TyTy Baby's talk show is usually full shit, but this Friday's episode is really going to be full of shit. LITERALLY.

TyTy is bragging about how her show will air the first ever televised colonic. Unfortunately, it won't be performed on her mouth. Instead, some unlucky bitch will get their caca sucked out while TyTy's audience and the entire country watches on. You know TyTy is going to stand over the poor soul and ask, "Is your asshole smizing?!"

Some people can't even poop with their cat in the bathroom staring at them, so I can only imagine how it must feel to have a tube up your no-no while a crowd dry heaves in front of you. Actually, I don't really have to imagine it since that's how I spent my weekend, and it wasn't fun as I thought it was going to be.

And I wonder how TyTy is going to top this one? On the next Tyra: TyTy gets to the bottom of menstrual berries!!