Why Are You Doing This To Us?

A river of popped cherry juice and panty pudding flowed through the streets of Westwood, CA last night during the New Moon premiere. If you live in the area, you might have been wondering why your cats were howling and your dogs were meowing. Well, now you know.

You know what bothers me about kids today? They have no RESPECT for the English language. For instance, look at how that girl in the picture above completely butchered a gorgeous curse word. How do we expect our youth to be the leaders of tomorrow if they can't even curse right? I mean, what the hell is a SHIZNIT? That sounds like something you'd find on the tip of a dick after messy butt sex.

Anyway, here's some pictures from last night's premiere. Some hos were obviously only there for the free photo-op. They are: Shar Jackson, Mary Murphy, 50 Cent, Richie Sambora (with his daughter) and JLove with that Jamie Kennedy dude.

Also at the premiere were Joan Jett (to hold Kristen Stewart's "hand"), one of the wolfies, that hot piece from Glee, the Glee kids, Stephanie Meyer (the bitch responsible for all of this), a homeless man in a fancy suit, Dakota Fanning, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner.

Tank Jones (the motherfucker in the fancy pink tie in the picture above) lied to us all! Tank promised that Levi Johnston would give us a clear shot of the goods in his upcoming Playgirl spread, but this is not the case. There will no full frontal nekkidness. Call your local congressperson over this fuckery! This is an injustice.

Playgirl's Daniel Nardicio released this statement to Gawker: "He did not give 'full-frontal' as his manager Tank Jones reported he would. We're thrilled with the photos we got, and are confident people will love them. Although there may be glimpses, we did not get full on frontal nudity."

Basically, it sounds like we're just going to get Levi's peen head peeking out from a hockey stick? WHAT IS THE POINT?! How are people supposed to fap to that?

Tank Jones should hang his head in shame for the rest of his days. You can't promise us a salchicha barbecue, and then show up with half a Vienna sausage. You can lie about a lot of things, but you should never lie about DICK. Dick is serious business. Levi Johnston's peen and me are fucking done professionally!

Even if Levi had a crooked pencil peen with a misshapen head, they could've injected it with a little Crisco to fatten it up a bit. There's no excuse.

Drew Barrymore already had her fun with Charlie's Angels TWICE! Drew needs to leave it alone and go play with something else (a sequel to Doppelganger, perhaps?). But noooooooo, Drew is not done with Charlie Angel's! Variety (via Coming Soon) brings us the nipple-crushing news that Drew is in talks with ABC to produce a pilot for a modern version of Charlie's Angels. This is more like Charlie's NIGHTMARES. Did they not learn anything from She Spies?

Josh Friedman, who worked on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, is currently writing the script. Drew and some other evil doers will produce.

Mischa Barton better go back to her whiskey enema and not even look at her phone to call her agent. DON'T.

This whole idea is ugly. The only way I can co-sign this is if this wreck starred Chicken Cutlets, Rojo Caliente, Shauna Sand and Spaghetti Cat as Charlie. Otherwise, they need to let it rest in peace. Send Charlie's Angels up to heaven with Aaron Spelling and Farrah Fawcett where it belongs.

Besides a firing squad full of shooters with Tourettes, the only thing missing from the nauseating never-ending Gosselin soap opera has been a sex tape. Personally, I was hoping a sex tape featuring Aunt Jodi and Kate Gosselin's rabid possum hair would leak first, but Jon Gosselin has beat them to the barf. According to the National Enquirer, Jon's bodyguard Thomas Meinelt has seen a fuck tape starring the Stay Puft Douchebag and some ho that was rented from Craigslist. Thomas died seven days later. NO, he's still alive and he's apparently going to testify in TLC's lawsuit against Jon.

Stephanie Santoro, a former Gosselin nanny and one of Jon's fuck friends, said that Thomas told her about the sex tape, "Tom told me that Jon was secretly videotaped having sex with a woman in Los Angeles in October, and he's seen the tape! Tom said people close to Jon put a camera in his hotel room, and paid a girl to flirt with Jon and have sex with him. He also told me that he saw Jon snort cocaine on more than one occasion, and that the more Jon got into partying, the more cocaine he used!"

If this is true, then whoever recorded that mess needs to be thrown into the chokey for the rest of their life. That is mass murder in the first degree. Imagine all the eye balls and stomachs that will die a slow death while watching Jon ram his soggy fish stick peen into some hooker's vag. All of us will suddenly develop an allergic reaction to dough.

Although, the ones that don't become a member of the American Foundation for the Blind after watching Jon's sex tape can use it to improve their gag reflex.

JLo has farted all over her first ex-husband's big dream of having a real life after her (his words). Ojani Noa was planning to turn an 11-hour honeymoon tape he made with JLo back in the day into a mockumentary, but a judge has put a stop sign in front of his plans.

JLo's team of attorneys and Ojani, who represented himself, faced off in court yesterday to battle over the tape which includes footage of JLo waltzing around in panties and getting spanked. The judge ruled in favor of JLo and granted her a temporary restraining order banning any parts of the tape from seeing anyone else's eyeballs.

Outside of the court, Ojani told the NYDN he was sad. Ojani blamed JLo for RUINING HIS LIFE and keeping him down. Ojani cried, "She is destroying my life. This is another proof of her power and money trying to stop me from moving on with my life. I'm not making any money from these videos. This is about having a closure. It's my story."

The movie was going to be about Ojani's life as a Cuban immigrant. Ojani and the producers were going to use the tape as inspiration and weren't planning to sell it.

This isn't Ojani's first time getting shut down by JLo. Two years ago, JLo stopped him from releasing a tell-all book.

Ojani also believes he got shafted in their divorce settlement since JLo hired a bunk ass attorney to represent him, "I don't really believe in my (2005) agreement. My lawyer wasn't a real lawyer, he went to jail."

It sounds to me like Ojani is angry and confused. You know what's the best medicine for that? Ojani needs to put on some early Alanis Morrissette, heat up the tip on a pair of tweezers on the stove top, get in front of a mirror, take a deep breath and PLUCK AWAY ALL HIS FRUSTRATIONS! Ojani needs to pretend each one of those hairs is JLo and just pluck her out of his life! Maybe he will still feel like shit afterwards, but at least he won't have two furry landing strips over his eyes anymore.

Jon Gosselin has jumped on this side of the fence to laugh and point at his acts of douchery with the rest of us. Yeah, I don't remember sending him an Evite. Do you?

In this parody from Funny or Die, Jon performs a doucheorcism on himself by dumping Michael Lohan, Ed Hardy and his gutter tramp hos. Unfortunately, the video doesn't end with Jon sacrificing himself to Kate's number one fans: the rabid possums of the forest. It does have a terrifying ending though. I don't appreciate that. Especially since I've always been afraid of flaming tampons.

This might be the first time in the history of forever that I actually wished I was watching Cher's ass cheeks jiggling around on a battleship. So thanks, Jon.

.....there was PIANO BUNNY! Although, it doesn't take a member of Peta to tell you that Piano Bunny obviously didn't want to be in the spotlight.

Here's a clip from 1983 of some terrifying crazy lady, who I'm pretty sure was Dana Carvey's inspiration for the Church Lady, forcing her pet bunny to play the piano. The loontardian even shouts at the poor creature, "PLAY LIKE YOU DID YESTERDAY!" Obviously, Joe Jackson taught this crazy everything he knows about how to pimp out your young.

Hopefully that bunny got her back by shitting in her ears while she slept. A bunny's poo ball can travel to the BRAIN!

VIA Buzzfeed

A few weeks ago, Morrissey broke down and passed out on stage at a gig in Swindon. Well, at a show in Liverpool last night, someone tried to break down a plastic bottle of beer on Morrissey's head. Instead of whooping that trick with the mic, Morrissey quit that bitch by walking offstage. Morrissey was only two songs into his set and he refused to continue the show. A few minutes after he said walked off, an announcement was made that the show was officially over. Morrissey doesn't play like that.

You know how I feel about wasting the sweet nectar that the gods have so generously given us. That's one thing. But to try to knock Morrissey out is another. If you want to hate on Morrissey's swagger, a simple "Boo Bitch" would suffice.

Whoever threw the bottle needs to watch themselves, because I know a handful of reckless rockabilly cholas who would risk their perfectly Sharpie drawn eyebrows in order to handle the bitch that fucked with their dark prince. So if the bottle thrower hears the loud thump of Creepers behind him, he better pray that most of them are on probation.

YOGI BEAR: The Movie is happening. Even worse, they have cast Justin Timberlake as everyone's favorite bottom bitch Boo Boo. Douchier than the average bear.

The Hollywood Reporter (via Coming Soon) says that the Yogi movie will be part CGI, part live-action and full stupid. In addition to Justin voicing Boo Boo, Dan Akroyd will be the voice of Yogi and Anna Faris will play a documentary filmmaker. They will start shooting this wreck in New Zealand next month.

You know, I've always believed that Boo Boo regularly showed Yogi his "dick in a picanic basket," so I can kind of see where the producers were going, but it still isn't right. You know what else isn't right? The fact that I didn't know the real Yellowstone Park wasn't called Jellystone Park until I was in my late teens.

Every hair on JLo's ass is standing straight up, because she is so filled with the rage that her ex-husband Ojani Noa is planning to release an 11-hour tape of some of her private moments. I think he's marketing it as a companion piece to Planet Earth.

The eyes at The National Enquirer have seen the tape and claim it includes footage of JLo staring at herself in the mirror (OF. COURSE.) while wearing nothing but bra and panties. In another scene, Ojani chases JLo around the bedroom and spanks one of her thunder dome ass cheeks causing a 4.5 earthquake.

Sources say that JLo is incredibly embarrassed and can't believe her ex would do that.

You know what I can't believe? I can't believe that JLo wouldn't pull her eyeballs out of her own culo to see the Amazon jungle growing above her ex-husband's eyes. If JLo stepped out of her own world for one quick second, she would've seen that MAN DOWN CODE 10 eyebrow situation. My teeth are chattering, because I just want to jump onto his face and gnaw off those Sasquatch brows.

And honestly, I don't think JLo is THAT upset about the release of the tape. Most bitches forgot about her ass after that shoot out with Diddy, so this will be a nice little item to get her back on Google Alerts.