Elegance Has A Name
Toddlers & Tiaras is about to be replaced as the #1 TV show in the pedophile ward of state prisons, because everybody's favorite creepy gay husband made of discarded plugs and his air quotes teenage bride have made everybody at The Soup squee themselves inside/out by signing a deal for their own reality. Radar reports that Courtney Stodden stuck out her lizard tongue, dipped it in an ink jar and slithered out her signature on a contract with Merv Griffin Entertainment. Wait. I should rewrite that last sentence in the kind of Twitter whore baby talk that speaks to Courtney:
Radar seductively reports that the sensuous creature Courtney Stodden provocatively grabbed her sexy husband's long hard pen and deliciously dipped it into her wet ink jar and salaciously saturated the voluptuous contract with her pleasurable signature of lustful desire. I LOVE JESUS!
Courtney's pimp of a mother Krista Stodden says that they went with Merv Griffin Entertainment, because they believe that is the company who will put them in front of all of the best networks even though we know the only network that is going to buy this skankified creep show is PBS (PedoBear Broadcasting Service) or.....TLC (same thing basically).
Doug and the garden gecko who had a lobotomy with a Real Doll also said that nothing is off limits and they will show every uncomfortable part of their lives like this:
Shouldn't they be washing her instead of the car. You know, a video that can double as soft-core pedo porn and soft-core gerontophile porn should not exist.
I just watched some crazy bitch pour bleach into another crazy bitch's contact lens case on The Bad Girls Club, and now I wish she would come to my apartment and do the same thing to me. Because Courtney and Doug's reality show is going to make all of us long for wholesome entertainment like 2 Girls, 1 Cup.
Either Courtney and Doug's show is what you see when you stare into the eyes of a locust in the Apocalypse swarm, or this is just an elaborate marketing campaign for clear bra straps.
There's a really good reason for why I keep a piece of Sizzler's heart attack toast (aka what Paula Deen serves at communion) wrapped in my paper napkin until after I've stuck my mouth hole under the ice cream spout, because you should always save the best shit for a palate cleanser. And that is why I'm ending my Emmy coverage with the best grand finale possible: SPAZ DE LA HUERTA! Spaz is just like Sizzler's cheese toast. Well, more like a digested piece of Sizzler's cheese toast found inside of a corpse by a coroner during an early morning autopsy. Stunning.
The vodka sponge in Spaz's head must have forgotten about which cable show she's on, because her face came out in full support of The Walking Dead. I would say that Spaz should've finished off the look with leaves in her hair, a body bag cape and a toe tag, but she's a demure beauty who would never give us too much look.
Spaz also answered two very important questions that I know have been on your mind. When she puckered those lips (slathered in a lipstick shade called "Zombie Jizz") she answered the question: "What does a Chinese Crested's swollen anal glands look like?" And she also answered the question: "Do drunk zombies spray tan?"
It's okay to admit that Spaz's beauty has turned you into a full-on necrophiliac.
Since I like to think of myself as an evolving chameleon whose tastes are always changing (see: ten thousand annoying daily posts on Anderson Cooper, Prince Hot Ginge, Phoebe Price, Shauna Sand and man nipples for the last 6 years straight), it might be time to let go of exquisite eyebrow situations and let them fly so I can devote all of my everything to the newest comeback bitch on the scene: CHOLA LIP LINER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the reigning queen of the chola lip liner movement is definitely the bow-legged drunk swan Spaz de la Huerta!
At the season 2 premiere of Boardwalk Empire in NYC last night, Spaz slathered her lips in a dim shade of lipstick (I think it's called "Morning Abortion") and let her liner (in shade "Cheek Hickey") be the star of her face. Spaz naturally looks like she's trying to hold back a barf ball in her throat, but that perfectly-applied lip liner makes it look like she just vommed up massive amounts of glamour and elegance.
All of you aspiring beauties out there need to take note and head directly to the Wet 'N Wild section at Walgreens. What woman wouldn't want to look like she had lips full of burgundy paint at the beginning of the night but left most of it on the plastic cup of boxed rosé she guzzled from for hours? What woman wouldn't want to look like she doesn't have to reapply when she gives a beej in the last stall in the men's room? What woman wouldn't want to look like a cartoon moustache and a cartoon smile are hugging her lips?
The answer: Any woman who just doesn't know.
Chola lip liner also serves as a priceless security tool. It lets all of your arch rivals and the hating bitches around you know that you do have razors stuck in your hair so they better not even think of coming at you.
All hail the mainstream return of a beauty classic!
And here's who was apart of history (not really) last night: Lady Lip Liner herself, Michael Pitt with hipster Olive Oyl, Ricky Gervais with Jane Fallon, Kimber Henry, Gretchen Mol, Chris Crocker with Vincent Piazza, Marky Mark with 16-year-old Nicola Peltz and Steve Buscemi with Jo Andres.
Threatening UK environmental laws with the twelve layers of ozone layer-burning fake tanner grease on her mannequin skin and the non-biodegradable weave on her head, England's second finest rose (after Jodie Marsh, of course) Katie Price put her Day-Glo coochie and roasted ham titty sacks on display at the launch of her magazine in London today. Yes, Katie Price has her own magazine. It's for you hos out there who want to show people at the checkout counter that you're an ambitious reader who is hoping to eventually work your way up to Highlights Magazine. It's also to show hos that you're okay with a reading a magazine that is made of more natural products than the trick it was named after.
Even though Katie looks like a Dollar General plastic doll after a Butterfinger bukkake, I can't completely cover her with shaded hate. I'm saying that because I'm sure that when she got home today, our angel of angels Harvey Price threw that bitch a "Why is this heffa darker than my ass?" look that just lit the air on fire. That is worth the price of everything.
It's a little known fact that the kitchen grease orchid Spaz de la Huerta is a master at crotch acting and teaches a class at Juilliard to aspiring crotch thespians who want to learn how to deliver a raw emotion performance from the top of their pussy bones to the tip of their taints.
Spaz can transform her crotch into a mysterious character with a merkin the same way Meryl Streep can transform her voice with an accent. Spaz can smile with her crotch (smotching) the same way Ty Ty Banks tries to smile with her eyes. Spaz's chocha can queef out Atticus' court monologue from To Kill A Mockingbird with such subtle force that it makes Angel Gregory Peck cry a single tear. True story: Spaz's crotch turned down the lead role in The Wrestler. Mickey Rourke can thank Spaz's crotch by sending it a basket of clitty balm.
So because of all of this, Agent Provocateur knew that there was only one crotch for their new ad campaign. Just watch the video above and hold your breath (and your applause) as you see her Laurence Olivicrotch switch from emotion to emotion. Paz's pussy is theater!
Here's Slash and his on-and-off again wife Perla Ferrar giving the international sign for holy matrimony after renewing their vows in Ibiza, Spain today. Slash and Perla first got married on October 15, 2001, which I'm pretty sure was also the original release date for that Chinese Democracy album. For this blessed day, Perla chose her original wedding dress as her "something old," but she turned into her "something new" by giving it a Billy Ray Cyrus cut.
Now, I've always said that lubed up thighs and a "not sure if I just burped from my butt or my vag" facial expression is what really makes an elegant bride, but Perla takes things to exciting new levels of grace and sophistication that Kate Middleton and Kim Kardashian wish they could reach by wearing THAT TINY TOP HAT on her head. When you wear a tiny hat, you either look like the flower girl at a My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding or Speedo's arch rival. Both are those are wins so you can't go wrong.
Here's more of Slash, who sorts of looks like Taylor Lautner in a Rick James wig here, and Perla with their children in Spain the other day. Fun Fact: Before Perla married slash, she was a pussy selling madam. So I guess you get your madam name when you pair the kind of underwear you're currently wearing with the kind of car you currently own. That means my madam name is Skid Marks MTA Card!
Say what you want about Marilyn Manson (examples: he's turning into an old Lydia from Beetlejuice, a chick has to dip her coochie in make-up remover whenever he eats her out, he's definitely getting too old for this shit, etc...), but he always manages to pluck the most graceful flowers out of the WTF garden and his latest piece is no exception. Marilyn left Chateau Marmont last night with a gorgeous specimen who wore an elegant peek-a-puss dress exclusively from Bristol Palin's prom night collection, a pair of Lee Presson gloves, a puffy pussy patch (for shy sluts who believe you should leave labia to the imagination) and a face that could beat Kim Kardashian's face in a natural beauty competition. I like to call this perfect look: So THIS is what happened to Baby Jane.
Marilyn's ex pieces all say that living with him is about as pleasant as a wet fart to the face, but I have a feeling this one's going to last. Mostly because she's wearing a mask and probably can't see his face too good.
You still shouldn't be wearing a mouth mask because of airborne Kardashian kooties. That threat has passed. You should be wearing a mouth mask, because inhaling the mixture of powdery demureness, bronzed elegance and magical lash dust that is coming out of Aubrey O'Day's mouth will cause you to hyperventilate and fall into a dream-like coma where kidney bean tits dance in a bubble of clown powder around you. You're not ready for that since one should go on a fuckery fast 24 hours before doing so.
Leave it to Aubrey HoDayNightWhenever to bring some much-needed star quality and glamour to last night's tired whore and pony show hosted by the barnyard brigade. Aubrey can deduct the bus fare she paid to get there last night as charity on her tax form, because showing up to that mess definitely counts as an act of philanthropy toward needy famewhores. I swear, Aubrey has more talent, natural beauty and dignity* in one of her implant ripples than all of the Kardashians combined times infinity!
* Yup, saying that Aubrey O'Day has dignity is one of the first signs of famewhore inhalation. Call the Clinica Mobile.
It's been much too long since your genital skin has rippled over and the health department hit the special red button marked "Code: Rose" over the sight of the exquisitely perfect Jodie Marsh sashaying back out in the public. Just like all good warts who won't be ignored, Jodie is back and stronger than ever. The original Kate Middleton, who can serve up a plate of bangers and mash just by queefing over a silver platter, made mortals drop to their knees and worship at the throne of STDs when she passed through ITV studios in London today.
Jodie who usually drapes her body in the finest fashions straight from the catwalks in Paris (by way of stripper stores in Thailand) decided to keep it demure in a way-too simple dress that's the exact color of the pus that squirts out of one's eye when they stare into her Bermuda crotch triangle. Jodie has gone from ladies who munch for a quid to ladies who lunch and then munch for a quid.
Just like Jodie's coin slot nose, I am completely collapsing with happiness over England's most elegant flower finally blooming again. Pippa Middleton can stay in her stable indefinitely, because the real beauty and fashion icon of the UK is back!