Elegance Has A Name
Months of rehab, whooping a trick in an airport, snorting the bad shit off of Mickey Mouse's inner thigh and allegedly sexing on a piece in front of everyone at a party was not enough to fully scrape away the Disney from Demi Lovato's image, so she decided to scratch off another layer by baring her butt chin cleavage and 19-year-old chest balls at the Latin Grammys in Las Vegas last night. I've always said that nothing says "GROWN" like titty tape and chichi contouring, but couldn't Demi have chosen a better dress for her titties' coming out party?
Dwight from RHOA could let out a hundred How Dreadfuls over this and he'd still need to let out a hundred more before he begins to accurately describe this mess. Somewhere, a 50-year-old novella villainess is missing a boudoir gown to change into right before she seduces her arch rival's husband. There's a reason why the Blanche Devereaux intimates section at Bealls has a "50+ only" sign at its entrance. It takes a certain seasoned slutty abuelita to pull off a dress like this. Stick to the juniors section, Demi.
And I'm guessing every brush in her hotel room went on strike last night, so I won't throw her cold shade for those pre-brushed, straight-out-of-the-rollers quince curls.
Of course, Wilmer Valderrama, the Jack Gordon to Demi's La Toya, was there last night. Just looking at pictures of Wilmer makes me sniff at my coffee cup to make sure I haven't been roofied without permission. Wilmer's gross ass probably made Demi wear that dress since he looks like the type who's into the "slutty senior at a 70s swingers party" look.
As the coast guard put up ELEGANCE AHEAD warning signs all over the beach in Miami on Saturday afternoon, our patron saint of camel toes, CoCo, made the ocean ejaculate foam by butt fucking the waves (or maybe she's giving herself the sexiest salt water enema ever?) in front of the paparazzi's cameras. You don't see it in these pictures, but a boat full of scientists arrived on the scene, caught CoCo and then tagged her, because sheer sophistication like this must be tracked at all times. It's as if a Chinese farmer dug her up from the ground.
Al Gore needs to blow CoCo a thank you air kiss, because she just cured erosion by queerting (aka a fart queef) into the sand. CoCo will save the planet one pussy fart at a time.
I know, this is the saddest holiday-themed Tijuana donkey show (without the donkey) any of us have ever seen.
Charles Dickens ("Did sumbody say dick?" - Katie Price) had a good run as the author of the most classic holiday novel of our time, but there's a new literary genius on the stroll with a new classic holiday novel of our time! Katie Price hauled out the holly and burned up the mistletoe in London today when she came out to promote her new book "Santa Baby" and when asked by reporters what it's about, she looked at the reindeer since he had about as much to do with writing the book as she did.
If the Tivo captions of every soft-core Cinemax porn are at the top of your must-read list, then Katie's book is just for you. I've read two of them and it was like reading the transcript of Courtney Stodden's edition of Hooked on Phonics. Katie likes her novels the same way she likes her men: shallow, hallow and filled with only 12 words from the English vocabulary. So, basically, she's like my literary hero.
And that poor, sad reindeer does know that God gave him antlers so he can poke a bitch, right? Nudge..nudge...
If the first lady of elegance, CoCo, really wanted to fuck some shock and awe into our brains, she would've dressed up as a fully-clothed Amish virgin for Halloween, but then Slutoween would've officially been canceled and every ho's inner slut would have to stay inside. Because the one-night sluts of Slutoween can't officially stuff their crotches into a Frederick's of Hollywood costume until they hear the period blood-curdling cry from CoCo's camel toe as it gets stranged with fishnets and a wad of Spandex.
The cry was heard at CoCo's Halloween party in Las Vegas on Saturday night when she strut along the red carpet with thighs that looked like precooked Christmas hams busting out of their nets, and her suction cup nipples holding up a metal titty plate. You can say that CoCo went as a slutty hell minion with RiRi head and you'd be correct. You'd also be correct if you said that CoCo went as CoCo going to the grocery store.
And since we're on the subject of Slutoween, I also threw in some pictures of superstar urinal Kim Kardashian making genitals itch and pores push out milky green pus at her Halloween party in NYC. At least she could blame it on her costume this time.
Despite what the priest at confessional says to you when you cry to him that a slutty lizard keeps crawling through the hole from your dreams to your nightmares to wrap her tongue around your soul, Courtney Stodden did not start out in life as an animatronic Pamela Anderson Real Doll that was solely created by her creepy maker/husband to spit out soft-core porn adjectives on Twitter and constipated sexyfaces during staged photo shoots. There was a time when Courtney was a fresh-faced wholesome girl who probably thought Adderall was add-on sleeves for overalls or something. Crazy Days and Nights (via Jezebel) posted this alleged picture of Courtney before her mother sold her to the liver eater from The X-Files.
This thickens the plot since Courtney's pimp of a mother swears on the sales receipt the devil gave her that her daughter can be sold in the organic section of any grocery store and she has never been touched by a plastic surgeon's scalpel. A lot of hos are saying that since Courtney is 17 in CZJ years, she's probably telling lies about her plastic surgery situation too. But I'm not sure. Courtney sticks out her chest and sucks in so hard while posing that her internal organs probably got sick of suffocating so they traveled up to her tits. She doesn't have plastic tits, she's got stomach tits!
I bet if you turned a wet sandblast machine on Courtney and switched off the switch that operates her terrifying snarlface, she'll look a little closer to 17 instead of looking like she should be passing an apple to Snow White. It's all the make-up and shit.
The glamorous power of Wet 'N Wild, Walmart hair bleach and clear bra straps cannot be denied. Mah Boo would totally co-sign that.
Speaking of shit that should be banned from the world, that burning sensation taking over your eyeballs that feels like the tips of your lashes are growing genital warts and your retinas are wrinkling into the fetal position could only mean one thing: it's a Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison post!
If this precious picture of the 17-year-old reptile bride and her creepy serial killer-looking husband posing with the Lohan family (who are looking less orange and bloated than usual) makes you want to cover the eyes of innocent chirruns everywhere, then you're not alone. Before this picture was taken, The Tales of the Crypt's answer to Heidi and Spencer were kicked out of a pumpkin patch in the Santa Clarita Valley for acting like two nasty, inappropriate, pumpkin-fucking whores of destruction. Yup, that's them!
Radar says that mothers who wanted to spend their afternoon picking out a pumpkin with their families instead had to soothe the faces of their crying children and close the mouths of their husbands after Courtney sashayed by in a pair of coochie-killing coochie cutters and white dick-picking-up boots (and it's after Labor Day)! After the pumpkin patch received complaint after complaint, Courtney and Dog (typo and it stays) were shown the exit. Courtney, being the good Christian girl she is, responded to this injustice by quoting the bible on Twitter:
Have a beautifully blessed Sunday! :) "Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” John 7:24
21 hours ago via web
If there was Internet access in heaven and Jesus could rewrite John 7:24 he'd change it to: "Do not judge by appearances, but do judge a nightmare creature for spreading several layers of snatch slime on a bunch of pumpkins in the Santa Clarity Valley."
But in all seriousness, Courtney getting kicked out of the pumpkin patch was an act of pure jealousy. How can anyone be prejudiced toward a naturally beautiful sunflower whose eyes were kissed by heaven's clouds (aka Bonne Bell frosted eyeshadow), whose lips are covered in sparkling unicorn semen (aka Vaseline mixed with Bonne Bell frosted eyeshadow) and whose clothes were made for her by the finest French couture house (aka one of those stripper stores on Hollywood Blvd.). Those hating families wish having a sense of dignity didn't stop them from being this classy and demure.
For more pictures of the walking Blumpkin that is Courtney and Doug, go to The Superficial and view at your own risk. Below are pictures of Courtney's obvious idol, The Empress of Lucite, turning pumpkins into lucite chariots at a pumpkin patch over the weekend. Note to Courtney: If you don't want to be kicked out of the pumpkin patch, trade your hooker boots, denim panties and creepy husband for exquisite heels, the finest dress that a handjob can buy and an ambiguously gay boy toy imported from Eastern Europe.
There's been so much foolish ugliness on Dlisted lately from Lindsay Lohan's meth lasagna mouth to the crazy bus memaw beating on a special needs kid, so I figured we could all use a heavy dose of demure beauty in the form of a potpourri pot full of England's finest rose Jodie Marsh! Exquisite doesn't even begin to describe....
Jodie left a London hospital, where she selflessly volunteers her time by being a human bouquet of flowers for the poor sickly, the other night and graciously blessed the lenses of several cameras with her Shroud of Pete Burns face. It's as if someone gently placed her head in one of those paint can shakers at Home Depot, turned it on and started throwing oil-based varnish and paintbrush bristles at her. The result is what a talking Real Doll would call, "iiiiiiinspiring."
Jodie's nose is what I think the penises of the angels look like in heaven. A penis with wings! And now we know why Ron Paul's brow wig tried to sneak off of his face. It heard of an eyebrow Shangri-La in the UK and it was about to start the journey toward it. If you see his eyebrow toupee sitting in coach on a flight to London, don't say a thing.
And if you want to share this beauty with your loved ones, FTD is offering a bouquet made of these pictures for a limited time. (Yes, I set up that STD joke for you. Happy Friday!)
Duchess Kate is ripping out whatever hair is left on her husband's head this morning, because her reign as the most famous royal bride of the year came to a crashing end as soon as the mummified Rhea Perlman who was brought back to life with an air kiss from Voldemort floated above a dirt aisle at her wedding in Sevilla, Spain today. Fuck your life, Kate, because today the Duchess of Alba got all the points by wearing a stunning gown made by Chico himself using her crib skirt from the turn-of-the-century and the green ribbon she snatched out of Luke's hand right before she turned him into a mouse. The Duchess of Alba's guests would've gasped but they were told to keep their mouths closed for the entire ceremony, because there was a good chance she would've transformed into a funnel of smoke and entered their body to eat their souls from the inside/out.
HOLA! Magazine is pleased to report that 85-year-old (suck in your eyeballs for 5 seconds.... and release)
María del Rosario Cayetana Paloma Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia Fernanda Teresa Francisca de Paula Lourdes Antonia Josefa Fausta Rita Castor Dorotea Santa Esperanza Fitz-James Stuart, Silva, Falcó y Gurtubay
became (suck in your eyeballs for 6 seconds.... and release)
María del Rosario Cayetana Paloma Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia Fernanda Teresa Francisca de Paula Lourdes Antonia Josefa Fausta Rita Castor Dorotea Santa Esperanza Fitz-James Stuart, Silva, Falcó y Gurtubay Diez
today when she married her 61-year-old commoner love toy Alfonso Diez at one of her castles in Spain in front of almost all of her six ungrateful children (her ungrateful bitch of a daughter came down with chickenpox so she couldn't make it). These are the same ungrateful bitch children who would not bless the Duchess of Alba's marriage until she gave them all of her billion dollar fortune to prove to them that Alfonso was not marrying her for money. Alfonso was obviously marrying the glorious duchess, because when the rapture comes next year the great swarm of locusts will not come near him if he's standing behind their queen! But those dumb children did not know this.
Alfonso, who is now known as the Duke of Alba, already signed away any right to the House of Alba should his beautiful love affair with the duchess end. But for now, the Duchess of Alba kicked off her sensible Easy Spirit flats and danced in the streets to celebrate the gods accepting her love with Alfonso. Did that bland bitch Kate Middleton do that? I think not.
Congratulations to the most regal dandelion in the royal garden and allow me to end this post with these words for the duchess:
De mayo de Alfonso Diez suavemente la joroba del brillante polvo zombie de por eternidades, o hasta que la tierra Klingons en la tierra para volver a su planeta de origen. A ustedes, mis BELLEZA! Ahora, conseguir que los jóvenes polla!
And in case you're not fluent in Google Español :
May Alfonso Diez gently hump the sparkly zombie dust out of you for eternities to come or until the Klingons land on earth to take you back to your home planet. TO YOU, MY BEAUTY! Now, get that young dick!
As soon as your eyes finish salivating from staring at Jodie Marsh's Helen Grace chocolate egg titties, give her the clap (Not THAT clap! She already has that one. The other clap. The one you give her with your hands. Oh! You know what my ass means!) for leaving her first bodybuilding competition triumphant. 16 months ago the most beautiful woman in the world, who has been everything from a ten-second lesbian to a tattoo artiste, started training with Tim Sharp to become a bodybuilding goddess superstar and here she is at her first competition looking as glisteningly gorgeous as a hard shit out of a snake's ass in the Garden of Eden.
Jodie came in
first second third fourth fifth place in the beauties of the septic tank division and tells The Sun that she owes it all to intense training and trading her usual diet of champagne and cum balls for egg whites and whole wheat toast.
"This is the best I've ever felt — and the best my body's ever felt. In 50 days I have gone from 25 per cent body fat to ten per cent, gained 8lb of muscle and lost 20lb of fat."
Of course, Jodie's road to getting a body like Kellan Lutz's nipple was shot for a reality show that will air in the UK this January. Yes, the sight of Jodie brings back painful memories of when I ruined my sister's Barbie doll by ripping its head off to try to shove it over my He-Man figure (both of them were never the same again), but even I have to admit that England's finest rose has never looked more exquisite. Well, tits that look like burnt ham and bodies that look straight out of a Panda Express tin are two of my favorite things!
Grab your prayer cloth, tell your local priest that you'll be sleeping in his confessional booth tonight and click over to TMZ to see seventeen-something Courtney Stodden and her 51-year-old creepy husband Doug Hutchison pose in a photo shoot that will make you laugh to keep from crying as your skin crawls off of your body to throw itself in the garbage disposal.
In a completely staged photo shoot that looks like stills from a Tales of the Crypt episode inspired by Heidi and Spencer, Doug's teenage porn iguana bride shows off her trompe-l'oeil abs, exquisite arm bracelet, the spray tan that looks like it was applied with a Nerf gun and her pushed-up illegal titty balls that are being suffocated by a bikini top that is more padded than the room Courtney's mother should be thrown in. I also cannot ignore the fact that Beverly McClellan from The Voice needs to throw a copyright infringement lawsuit at Doug since it's obvious that he's stolen her entire image.
These pictures are so going to end up in an FBI's file in a couple of years when all of this does not end well. On a positive note, Courtney's magical ability to float along the sand in platform heels has earned her a coveted spot in Shauna Sand's royal court.
And since we've already fucked ourselves up by looking at this mess, let's fuck ourselves up all the way by listening to one of Courtney's "songs:"
I shouldn't joke, because this will probably become our new national anthem. It is the reason why the bald eagle cries.