Elegance Has A Name

If a teenage duckface from MySpace art directed a cover of a magazine, it would look just like Hailey Glassman's cover for Steppin' Out (aka Free Hobo Jack-Off Material Weekly).

Whoever says art takes time needs to get a gander at this (put a condom over your eye first), because I'm sure they only had 15-minutes to shoot this mess in the handicap bathroom of an Arby's off the interstate. Even though the night manager kept pounding on the door to hurry up, Hailey kept posing like Phoebe Price at Ralphs. Hailey is a professional.

As for what Hailey is wearing: panties (stylist's own, because Hailey's panties were previously occupied by a mysterious lump of something), scarf top (borrowed from a homeless man outside who only lent it to Hailey after she flashed her tits at him), snake arm band (a Glassman family heirloom), pleather gloves (bought from the gas station down the street), and ring (it's actually a disco ball rearview mirror charm also bought at the gas station down the street).

Not only does Jon Grosselin's former piece look like the epitome of a fucking lady on this shit, but during the interview she said his penis was "tiny."

Wait, Jon has a penis?!

And you better believe that Tina Fey's Vogue cover for March 2010 is going to come with the headline: "JUDGE THIS HATERS!" I mean, Anna Wintour knows what's good.

via HuffPo

At least somebody was in the mood for love (in the form of a greasy grope from an obese producer who promises to get you a part in the next Bradley Cooper movie) at last night's Valentine's Day premiere in Hollywood. I really have no idea who this Anna Kulinova swan is, but it doesn't really matter. Googling her name is not going to make me relive all the emotions I felt when I first laid eyes upon her in this stunning frock. This is the true meaning of VD (Valentine's Day)!

I doubt Jennifer Garner, Jessica Beeeeehl or any of the other boring Js at this movie premiere spent their entire night making a figure skating costume out of old taffeta found in the trash can outside of Bobby Trendy's condo and a Fredrick's teddy. Barney's does not carry a dress that makes your nipples look like they are bleeding lace. This is a one-of-a-kind creation!

And you know what makes Anna even more special? The fact that she's smiling like she has no idea her shoes don't match at all! The cab driver must have been one inpatient motherfucker, because he forced Anna to grab a random pair of shoes from her stripper roommate's closet. She wears them beautifully.

Here's more of Anna and the people who only showed up to bask in the glory of her beauty. They are: MiserAlba, Garcelle Beauvais, an overdressed Jessica Biel, Patrick Dempsey, Barbara Eden, Jennifer Garner, McSteamy and Noxzema Girl, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutchie with Demi Moore, Shirley Maclaine, Julia Roberts, Emma Roberts and a bronzer-faced B.Coop.

Just when I was about to cover last night's SAG Awards, I came across these amazing pictures of Pamela Anderson promoting her fragrance Malibu at a Rite-Aid in Ardmore, Pennyslvania. DING! DING! DING! We have a winner for the most glamorous event held on January 23, 2010! This picture should accompany the definition of the word "glamour" in Webster's Dictionary.

Do not throw any shade towards Pamela, because does Saks Fifth Avenue sell personal lubricants in addition to having its own pharmacy? I think not. I mean, wouldn't it just make your life if Pamela autographed your bottle of Valtrex?

That right there is the luckiest Jennifer Convertible in the world......

Last night in my fair Hamlet, we received a visit from an angel from heaven. The Empress of Lucite glided into town on a lucite chariot (or maybe she flew Frontier Airlines) to sign copies of her contribution to art house cinema at Rick's Cabaret in NYC. Yes, my fellow New Yorkers, that is why all the hos on the stroll took the night off (local holiday) and why every single drugstore was sold out of Wet 'N Wild lip liner.

Since Shauna Sand is my personal Banana Jesus, I thought about going to Rick's to have her bless my copy of the Gone with the Wind of leaked porn tapes, but just thinking about it gave me full body palpitations. So I think it's best if I continue to marvel at her natural beauty from afar. Okay, okay, the truth is the restraining order she has out against me still hasn't expired.

Here's the bubble in my lube at Rick's last night with her ladies-in-waiting.

Shauna Sand tells Paper Magazine how she makes walking on exquisite lucite heels look like she's floating on the whisper of an angel:

"I've been walking in them for so long. I was a ballerina, so my balance is amazing and I'm used to being on my toes in point shoes. But I also think my stilettos are quite deceiving because they're so comfortable. I have three daughters, who are almost nine, 10 and 12 and even when my kids were like, two, they were able to walk in the stilettos. They're really not that high because they have a platform so once you get used to them, they're so easy to walk in. [Wearing stilettos] is like exercising without exercising. When you wear them, you're actually working your legs and your butt and you can get beautiful muscle definition...... I love them. I can't walk barefoot. I'll walk barefoot in the sand on the beach, but if the sand is too hot, I'll have my stilettos on."

If you've been watching the opera known as Jersey Shore, then there's a good chance that when JWoww sashayed onto the screen wearing a blouse that looked like it was hand sewn by Coco Chanel herself, your nipples looked up at you and quoted Liz Lemon by saying, "I want to go to there." Well, now they can go there. Tell them to get their shots first!

JWoww (or "JWOAH" if your name is Joey Russo) has launched a fashion line, and the first item up for sale is the infamous scoopy curtain thing she wore on Jersey Shore. As you can tell from the artist's exquisite rendering, the workmanship is impeccable. If Miss Bimbo was a member of the royal family, she would wear this to every ball.

I will let JWoww's website explain further. The quotation marks are properly placed:

Jenni has created the ultimate in fashionable clothing. She will be reinventing the term "Sexy Sophisticated." Not only will her line be "Edgy" and "Sexy", but it will make people of all ages and body type feel more confident in "the scene." This exclusive line will be limited and custom made to your body type.

…Remember you don't want to be that person at the club that see's someone else wearing the same thing…

Don't even think of making your own bootleg version of this blouse using an after-sex sheet. It will never have JWoww's stamp of approval.

And if you want your baby head chichis to look like there's an imaginary rib spreader between them like JWoww's, just tell the left one that the right one is talking shit about it. They won't want to be near each other after that!

Here's the toast of the Paris fashion scene at a Lakers game last night with her guidette-in-waiting Snooki.

The AVN Awards, which is the Oscars but with less STDs and more elegance, was held in Las Vegas last night, and of course the Empress of Lucite was the glistening load everybody bathed in. Shauna won several awards including: Best Performance by an Angel in a Staged Sex Tape That Was Leaked On Purpose, Best Performance by a Lucite Heel, Best Religious Experience and Best Horror Movie.

While the other porn starlets wore custom-made gowns from the Flirt Catalog, Shauna kept it real in vintage Fredrick's of Hollywood. And by "vintage," I mean it had a few cum stains on the crotch.

The Empress wasn't going to even bother putting on a dress. Clothes would have gotten in the way when she found herself in a men's room stall with a strange dude at the end of the night. When Shauna pulled the purple string off one of her ankles, her elegant ensemble came off and an already lubed up condom fell out of her vag.

Here's more freshwater pearls from last night's AVNs including: April Flores, Dave Navarro, Lisa Ann, Ron Jeremy, Sasha Grey, a ginge beauty in JLo's old Grammy dress, and Margaret Cho.

Jersey Shore's very own Snooki brought her homegrown guido glamour to Florida's Seminole Hard Rock last night to host a "Fist Pumping Competition" at club Opium. Also seen at Opium last night was Gay Al Reynolds who showed up in assless leather pants, a tub of Crisco and a very, very confused look on his precious face.

TMZ says that Snookisaurus was paid $10,000 to get drunk at the club. Hopefully, Snickers uses some of that cash to invest in a Bumpit. Recently Snooki proudly proclaimed that she keeps her poof (not to be confused with this poof) poofy without the help of a Bumpit. But look at that weepy thing on her head. It looks like a year-old shower puff that has been trampled on by a hippo and attacked with a world rockin' grenade. It desperately needs the support of a Bumpit. Nobody can bump it like a Bumpit. Well, Lindsay Lohan can, but that's a different kind of bump.

Here's more of Willy Wonka's favorite wet dream girl destroying me over and over again with her constant abuse of the duckface. Speaking of destroyed faces, that bouncer's "Fuck My Life" face says it all. Dude is definitely calling DeVry this morning.

I was going to add this as a palate cleanser for Kim Kardassian's perfume ad disaster (see below), but since I'm a slave to community college glamour, Oscar-worthy performances (sorry, JLo) and the musical stylings of Kenny G, I felt this really deserves its own post.

Kim needs to pull up two metal folding chairs next to me and takes notes on how you really sell a fragrance.

These two better keep their phones close, because Elizabeth Taylor is going to call them any minute now.

(Thanks Blake & Kara)

Not since the Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus has there been such a touching portrait of an ethereal maternal figure with an innocent child. It just makes you want to give birth, or slap a Honey Baked ham.

Here's CoCo (that's Nicole Austin if you work for the government) frolicking around the beach in Miami yesterday with her young niece and Ice-T. Without all the lights, Photoshop, spandex and paint, CoCo looks so demure. Sure her bikini bottoms, which have seen better days on a spring break slut circa 1993, are crawling up her body to escape from her hongray hongray camel toe, but her ass isn't knocking my eyelashes off. Usually CoCo's ass makes my own ass clench up out of embarrassment, but it's not doing that right now. Maybe CoCo has been eating more fiber. Or something.