Elegance Has A Name
Here's Melissa Leo at yesterday's Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica dressed like a track home madam who is about to flee through the sliding back door of her DIY brothel in Palmdale after authorities received an anonymous tip that she's housing imported whores in her garage. Tell me that isn't a look that screams "You've got a $20, I've got a hand job ho for you!"
You know, I'm so sick of dumb asses declaring that Natalie Portman "is the girl to watch" at the Oscars tonight. Yeah, I've been watching the fashion moves of that Ivy League al dente noodle for months and it's about as exciting as taking the SATs with a No.2 pencil on a Saturday morning while completely sober. Bitch is fashion Ambien. But Melissa Leo on the other hand, that ho knows that the best accessory is always a giant coat of CRAZY. Melissa's look tells a damn story. Yes, that story airs on truTV several nights a week, but a story it still is! Natalie's basic ass looks like it was attacked by an exploding lemon danish. Next.
Click here to see the ISA winners if that's what you need and below is a bunch of pictures of everybody who gave pose on the grey carpet yesterday. In order: the best dressed of the night Melissa Leo, Prince Von A-Hole, Chuckie Finster with Warren Beatty, Rosario Dawson, Taye Diggs, Illeana Douglas, James Franco, Thierry Guetta, Saint Crazy's daughter, Baron Baby Wipes, Vera Farmiga, Dana Delany, Nicole Kidman, Diego Luna with Camila Sodi, Ewan McGregor about to take a pee pee, Eva Mendes, Natalie Portman, Aron Ralston, a drunk Jeremy Renner, Mark Ruffalo with a hand full of Sunrise, Zoe Saldana, Lea Thompson, Kerry Washington and Naomi Watts with Liev Schreiber.
The goddess who was created when Zeus threw a bolt of lucite at a mermaid rolling around the sand once again reigned over Miami beach today and blessed the beach with the sparks shooting off her exquisite lucite heels. Shauna Sand had a new Euro twink at her side one pap said it's her ex-boy-in-waiting Greg Knudson (but that thin stick of lean beef is definitely - NSFW alert - not this) and a different pap said it's her new fiance Laurent. Even though I'm a member of the Church of Lucite, I can never keep track of who is feeding frozen grapes to Shauna's nipples and spit shining the bottoms of her lucite heels.
The only thing I do know is that she always manages to find a piece that looks like a former member of a failed Euro boy band who now trolls upscale Palm Springs bath houses for old rich men to keep his fancy mullet fresh and his collection of designer sunglasses from outlet malls up to date. That young twink stallion looks like he's got Bel Ami tattooed in his ass crack and always keeps a traveler size bottle of passion fruit scented lube in his pocket. And I love that his beach pants say "lifeguard" when the only thing he'll dive into the ocean to save is a tub of body wax and a jar of pomade. The Empress always picks well.
We're so obsessed with whatever H&M dress Michelle Obama wore this week when the fashion industry should really be lowering their Blue Blockers at the real style icon of this country: SARAH PALIN. The Governor of... The vice presidential... The reality star... The leading cause of question marks... The um... Oh, it doesn't matter that I have no idea what the hell Sarah Palin does anymore! The only thing that matters right now is that I can see GLAMOUR from her wrist! Sarah Palin was at an event on Long Island (could this be anywhere else?) yesterday and she proudly pledged her allegiance to beaded patriotic cuffs!!! That is the kind of cuff you'd wear to stomp into The Fudge Palace and declare that every American has the right to TEA BAG!
One would think that you'd pair a cuff like that with red and white rubber boots or gladiator sandals made out of torn Nascar t-shirts, but Sarah flipped the fashion world upside down by Siegfried & Roy-ing all of us:
I didn't know there's such a thing as leopard printed moose (or meese, as someone I knew calls them)! Leave it to Sarah to keep shooting us with new trends. Normally you'd only see a pair of shoes like that standing on a puddle of barf at Karma during an episode of Jersey Shore or kicking at a pimp on the corner, but Sarah has proved to us that they can be as classy as a beaded patriotic cuff!!
And every stork just nose dived into the damn ground. Kacey Jordan, the 22-year-old fuck film star who got a $30,000 check from Charlie Sheen during his massive crack & cooch party, has found her womb full of something other than tears from her other organs, crack smoke and 31 flavors of rogue jizz. Kacey is pregnant with a fetus who rapidly developed a face just so that it could make a "FUCK MY LIFE" expression.
bought the text from Kacey's not right ass with a gift certificate to the free clinic magically got a hold of a text message that Kacey sent to Charlie Sheen telling him that she's knocked up and doesn't "think" the baby is his. TMZ's sources say that Charlie wrapped his crack dick up in a condom before humping on Kacey, but they were both so fucked up that she's not sure if they did it right. Charlie shouldn't worry about Kacy's name being added to his payroll under "baby mamas," because if any of his sperm fish managed to stumble down her crotch alley, I doubt they made it to the right place. Those jizz fishes were so cracked out that they wandered around and begged anything they came in contact with for a quarter or 25 cents. And it's not like they'd have the strength to break through an egg. If anything, they probably just passed out on top.
Charlie has yet to say anything about this, and Kacey is going to get an abortion in the next few days. In case you wanted to know. It's sort of a sad shame, because what baby wouldn't want to crawl into the kitchen and find his mother with lube in her hair, a coke haze in her eyes and a mouth that is throwing out the words, "You want some Wonder Breads, baby?"
It's our future and you know what, I don't even mind. 17-year-old Taylor Momsen is simply just a young girl who is trying to find herself in the clearance section of the Flirt catalog, the drawer where you keep your old black eyeliner pencils and the part of the WWE's costume closet that houses the old bedazzled wrestling panties from their glory days.
Don't you remember when you were a 17-year-old hunchback gutter Muppet and walking down a random alley while motioning to a dude that backdoor costs extra (or maybe you were motioning that you keep the 8-balls in your backdoor). This was all of us! Just think of Taylor Momsen as a Ghost of Whoredays Past who's simply a version of your 17-year-old self but with even less dignity and more attention whoreness.
Cindy Hooha wore this elegant ho shit uniform to the Hollywood premiere of Justin Bieber's new 3D movie last night. Yes, so that magical tingle you heard wasn't the wind chime outside. It was Justin Bieber's balls dropping as he laid eyes on Taylor Momsen looking like something that blew out of the Rock of Love Bus exhaust pipe.
And it's funny that Miley Cyrus was also there and completely covered everything up. Miley gave us "middle-aged spiritual healer from Sedona, Arizona." However, Noah Cyrus showed up in the same outfit as Taylor and had to go into the bathroom to change. Crisis averted.
Here's another picture of Taylor's walk of no shame as well as pictures of other hos at last night's thing. In order: Sad Panda, Amanda Woodward, Miley with Tish and Noah, The Smiths, Bieber, Scary Spice with family, Usher with his sons, Toni Braxton, Leona Lewis and Selena Gomez.
Wearing an absolutely elegante ensemble made from the heart shaped satin bed pillows my sister had as a kids and an egg of L'eggs, Katy Perry peddled her new bottle of cat spray in Mexico City. Katy definitely knows her audience, because like the U.S., Mexico loves gigante chichis more than they loved fried dough covered in cinnamon and drugs. If she really wanted her Mexican fans to go loco and explode like a low-hanging piñata, she should've sprinkled cinnamon and coke on her chichis. Next time.
And since my thoughts are always wrapped around peen, Katy's perfume bottle looks like a glass dildo for intermediate level butt sex bottoms. If you've ever wanted a pussy in your ass, Katy has just made your dream come true! Now I know what Khia was going on about.
Vanity Fair's (emphasis on the "Fair") annual Hollywood Issue is a gallery of "clutch your Tampax pearls" surprises! There's ACTUALLY one and a half black people on the cover (Hey, it's better than VF's "Hungry White Girls Cover" of last year)! There's Rashida Jones randomly bottle feeding a baby tiger! There's a Robert Duvall photo bomb! And there's the TV Megan Fox, Olivia Wilde, who'd be half-nekkid if it wasn't for those extra thick suspenders.
Did the baby tiger eat most of her dress? Did Jesse Eisenberg's sexyface rip half of that ho's dress right off? Olivia is a position switch away from giving Anthony Mackie an eye full of Tron nipple. Screw the Hollywood Issue, thanks to Olivia's "sneeze and my titty pokes out" dress, this is the ELEGANCE ISSUE!
Vanity Fair says this cover was inspired by 1930s Shanghai. You know, 1930s Shanghai without Asians. We must've been hung over and dozed off in history class when the teacher said that Chinese people didn't move to Shanghai until AT LEAST the 1940s. But really, how the hell can you do 1930s Shanghai without the mascots of 1930s Shanghai. Let me fix that for Vanity Fair:
Anyway, here's the full cover along with a few behind-the-scenes pictures. Hos on the cover from left to right: Ryan Reynolds, Jakey, Anne Hathaway, James Franco,
Ivanka Trump Jennifer Lawrence, Anthony Mackie, Olivia Wilde, Jesse Eisenberg, Mila Kunis, Robert Duvall, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Andrew Garfield, Rashida Jones, Garrett GimmeHedlund and Noomi Rapace.
It's funny that the morning after The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion (or as I like to call it "The Watch Kyle Richards Dramatically Flip Her Faux Demi Moore Mane Back Over And Over Again" Show) airs, this old cell phone video of Kim Richards lands on TMZ. It has the faint scent of coagulated Juvederm, silver feathers, Oklahoma and Demi Moore's anus, which means that Taylor Lipstrong and Kyle Richards leaked it together to DESTROY Kim Richards. Nice try, but it only solidifies my love for the raggedy mess whose body language and facial expressions are based on Peg from Lady and the Tramp.
It's not because Kim may be drunk in San Francisco International Airport during the daylight hours, it's because she uses the "Do you know who I am?" line TWICE! In the clip from last July, Kim goes up to the dudes filming her and slickly says to them, "I know what you were doing. You were Twitter-er me." Then when they pretend to not know who she is (because who doesn't know Ruthie from Diff'rent Strokes), she gives them her first and last name. That is a star move right there and you can't tell me otherwise.
After Kim takes a pill of whatever, she gets up to ask the airline staff about all the flight delays. Kim lets them know that she's THEE Kim Richards, and they let her know that there's a possibility she's too tanked to fly. It turns out Kim was in the wrong terminal the whole time (that really is a metaphor for her life). When word got out that Kim Richards was in the building, bitches went crazy, flash bulbs blinded everyone, babies begged her to bless them and so airport security safely escorted her out of the terminal
And a giant fuck you to Kyle Richards for last night. Kyle sat there thinking she's the most gorgeous beauty in the entire world while the malnourished llama next to her attacked at her innocent sister KIM! Sorry, Demi Less, you'll never be the true star your sister was and is!
All last night I kept waiting for the graceful gazelle of Boardwalk Empire to make an appearance at the Golden Globes. When Boardwalk Empire won for Best TV Drama, I really expected Paz de la Huerta to stumble onto the stage, hike up her gown and command all of us to give thanks to the wiglet on her crotch (aka the secret to that show's success). Spaz didn't do that, because she was too busy doing body shots with some of the waitstaff in the kitchen. Spaz's liver was the color of the paint on her lips last night. On fire.
Not only are there glorious pictures of Spaz looking like she just woke up in a bathtub full of ice cubes with a sharp pain in her side and a trail of blood leading out into the hallway, but there's video too! TMZ captured two of Spaz's most wonderful moments last night. The first came when she was denied entrance into an after-party, because she was every kind of drunk.
The gatekeeper wasn't interested in Spaz feeding the potted plants inside with her 100-proof Miracle-Vom, so he kindly shoved her back into the car and told her to get the fuck out of there! But that party missed out, because a little later on Spaz nearly ate cement and then scribbled out an autograph (which probably looked like this) while her titty hung out of her dress. We can all finally exhale a huge sigh of relief now that the new Tara Reid has been anointed. All hail:
I'm glad to see that SOMEBODY at the Golden Globes took advantage of the full bottles of Moet on the table. I bet even Spaz's hungover piss has bubbles in it. I love her.
Amessy Wino's triumphant comeback to the stage in Brazil reached a fever pitch the other night when she hypnotized the audience with her sweet seductive moves that could lure the last drops of whiskey out of its bottle. Actually, maybe that's not dancing. Maybe Wino's tight ass yellow dress cut off the circulation to most of her limbs so she's trying to shake some blood into them.
My favorite part is at the 1:10 mark when Wino auditions for the title role in Crack Swan by busting into a drunken pirouette that nearly causes her to crash on top of her titty sacks. It's official: WINO IS BACK!
(Thanks to Thadeu and Stephen)