Elegance Has A Name

While some "stars" are posing on the Cannes red carpet in $10,000 designer gowns and hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of Chopard something-other-than-Chopard jooree, the true star of Hollywood posed in the doorway of a builder grade red bathroom while wearing exquisite lucite heels, the finest gown from Windsor Fashions and a stuffed animal stole. You can always count on Courtney Stodden to remind us how a real classy jewel of Hollywood does it.

Believe it or not, posing in the doorway of a bathroom in West Hollywood isn't the sexiest thing Courtney has done lately. The porn iguana tells E! that Backdoor Farrah isn't the only talentless, plastic fame whore who has spread her Arby's roast beef special in front of a camera. Courtney says that she made a solo sex tape and she plans to keep it private, which is why she's talking about it to E!.

The tape, Stodden tells us at the Shekhar Rahate fashion show in Los Angeles Thursday, is "not out in the media" nor is it on her computer, and she advises wannabe hackers not to get their hopes up.

"Hackers, don't even go there cause you'll find nothing," Doug Hutchison's wife tells us about poking around her computer.
As for what's on the tape, it's "just me," she claims, adding that it wasn't shot too long ago. "I turned 18 in August, so you do the math."

The buxom blonde declined to give any more details—"I don't want to put any images in people's mind; I'm gonna leave it up to you guys to think what you want"—but insisted she has no plans to release it.
"No, this is personal," she says.

Courtney has truly underestimated the hackers, because I have EXCLUSIVO footage from her solo sex tape:

I know, it was wrong of me to post that. My apologies to the iguana in the solo sex tape above for comparing him to Courtney Stodden. No iguana deserves that.

And here's Courtney putting the "old" and "ho" in old Hollywood during her bathroom doorway photo shoot last night. A slow clap for the mortician at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery for doing their best work on Courtney's face.

Earlier when I wrote about Sugar Bear and Mama June's Cinco de Mayonnaise wedding, I said that she would make the most beautimous bride the world has ever seen and she would redefine bridal elegance. I wasn't telling any lies. Looking like she's ready to hide in the forest and tackle an unsuspecting wild hog, Mama June walked down the aisle in her backyard today wearing a gorgeous gown custom made by Cabela's hunting store and bedazzled sneakers. Even Mama June's stack of pancakes chins look like they're glowing. She must've moisturized them with melted Country Crock. It's her beauty secret.

Mama June married her piece of 9 years Sugar Bear in front of TLC's cameras, the paparazzi and their friends and family in George today. Honey Boo Boo, Chickadee, Chubbs and Pumpkin were all in the wedding party, which looked like Halloween hitting candies wrapped in camouflage out of a piñata.

This is a redneck dream wedding and you can practically see the hillbilly angels blessing this beloved event with holy moonshine. I'll be disappointed if Mama June and Sugar Bear's guests didn't throw uncooked grits at them and I'll be really disappointed if they didn't skip the first dance and wrestle a possum together instead.

Beyonce's Mrs. Carter World Tour opened in Belgrade, Serbia last night and most of her costumes were the same old, tired House of Dereon rags she always wears, but then she redefined the meaning of demure when she came out in a rhinestone-encrusted bodysuit with built-in sparkle tits. I really don't know what's more elegant: Beyonce's slow queef facial expression or her glittery frog eyes tits? Definitely the latter. Throw as much hate as you want, but Beyonce's bedazzled tits and abs still look more natural than Mariah Carey's spray-on abs.

You know, Beyonce's chest chichis probably look like that naturally after Blue Ivy Carter breastfeeds, because the chosen one always leaves a trail of halo dust and diamond flakes when she suckles on her mom's nip. Wait, you're right. Blue Ivy Carter doesn't breastfeed. She gets nourishment from feeding off the fear of Destiny's Stepchildren (aka Farrah and Michelle) as they give her a pedicure.

And I hope Beyonce's reptilian tits bodysuit is just the beginning and soon we'll be seeing her in a bodysuit with bedazzled pussy lips and a ruby-encrusted anus.

It's been way too long since I've written anything about Brynne Edelsten, the delicate California gold digger turned trophy wife of an old ass Australia millionaire, and we should all be thankful that we get to once again cover our lungs with rhinestone dust while breathing in her beauty.

The California blossom was the shiniest star of the red carpet at the Logie Awards in Melbourne on Sunday night and everyone was blinded by her grace and class. Or maybe they looked glazed in the eyes, because they were wondering why a stunning angel was on earth and why did a Las Vegas floor show from the 1970s explode all over that stunning angel?

Everything about this look is perfection from her highly flammable weave to her raccoon on meth eyes to her white fringe nightmare of a dress to her 80s go-go dancer shoes. And only the most exquisite angels sprout white fringed wings from their tits.

Over four years ago, we all learned about Shauna Sand's ethereal powers when she floated on the sand in Miami on a two bars of exquisite lucite. Religious historians noted that day as the day that a saint actually topped Jesus' walk on water act by walking on sand in heels. It was such an important moment that I'm pretty sure they added it to the Holy Bible. Chapter 1, verse 1, I think. Well, who ever adds stuff to the Holy Bible is going to need more paper, because they'll have to add a new chapter now that the Empress of Lucite has done it again.

Yesterday, Miami got a long-awaited encore performance of Shauna Sand's magic show when she glided along the sand in heels made of raw marble (or faux cork from China, same thing). Shauna greeted her young disciples, cleansed the air by flipping her weave made of the finest hay and healed dehydrated animals with her beauty.

A true goddess. Miami should declare that sand an important landmark now that Shauna Sand has touched it.

A thick cloud of oil-based paint fumes, burnt silicone, charred polyester, hairspray and shamelessness swept through Manhattan yesterday, because all of the tricks, tramps and whores from Bravo were in NYC for the Upfronts. Falkor Rimes' greatest enemy Brandi Glanville took the whole meaning of "Upfronts" to another level by putting her titties under the spotlight. While Gerard Butler's peen is squinting at this picture and wondering why it feels like it's seen those chichis before, LeAnn Rimes is copying this look by gluing red-dyed doilies to her plastic chest globes. She's going to wear that outfit to her stepson's t-ball game this weekend.

Seeing all the Housewives in the same place together makes me wonder why Bravo hasn't put all these wrecks in the same show together. They should throw every Housewife in a giant bus and send them across the country. They probably wouldn't make it ten miles, because they'd all stab each other to death with their clavicle bones while fighting to plug their curling irons into the only outlet in the only bathroom. Greenlight it, Andy!

Here's just some of the hos at last night's Upfronts: Falkor enemy #1, Cynthia Bailey from RHoA, NeNe from RHoA (looking like a Mayan cheerleader from the 20s), Kroy with a talking wig, Gorilla Head Giudice from RHoNJ, a human Pinot Grigio bottle from RHoNY, Kenya Moore from RHoA, a lipoed hamster in drag, Joanna Krupa from RHoM, Yolanda with Lisa from RHoBH, Phaedra Parks from RHoA and the messes from Shahs of Sunset.

While some of us were spending our Saturday afternoon trying to perfect the Easter Cadbury Creme Egg mojito (aka a tall drink of delicious barf) recipe we got from the gourmet journal The Daily Mail, Brit Brit Spears was in Kentwood, LA steering her blue plastic and metal chariot through the aisles of the hillbilly Shangri-La that is Walmart. The People of Walmart disappoint me, because in every single one of these pictures, they should be bowing down and showering her with the coupons they cut out from the PennySaver, because this is their queen. Brit Brit dressed up for them and everything and they failed to pay tribute to her. For shame.

Yes, that bruised and battered weave looks like it has more grease in it than the back of Matthew McConaughey's panties, but the worst part of this look is at the opposite end of her body. Brit Brit is always killing me softly with her UGGs. I am way too hungover and not daytime drunk enough to deal with that shit. I think those tin man UGGs gave me mercury poisoning.

All the rhinestone belly rings that are collecting dust on the back wall of Claire's are about to be snatched up, because everyone will bedazzle their stomach knobs like it's 2001 after seeing style icon Brit Brit wearing one. If your belly button doesn't look like it's barfing up rhinestones, then you're doing "beach time glamour" wrong. With a weave that came from the sea sitting on top of her head and a cigarette in her hand, Brit Brit lounged on the balcony of a house in Malibu over the weekend. Who knew that USA Gold cigarettes, Diet RC Cola, Frapps and fried chicken grease did a body good?

You know, if you replaced that cig with an exotic berry Bartles & Jaymes wine cooler, covered her in Hawaiian Tropic dark tanning oil and put her on an ALF towel, you'd have everybody's mom circa 1989.

And since we're on the subject of refined southern belles, here's America's other favorite beauty queen of the south Mama June drinking America's holy water in Georgia over the weekend.

Falkor Rimes could learn a thing or five hundred from the silicone dragon flower Jenna Jameson, because this is how a real, bona fide style icon wears vinyl.

While looking like the queen of the Meth Face Prom, Jenna Jameson posed until she split a seam at her birthday party at Crazy Horse III in Las Vegas last night. I'm trying to figure out what's the best part of this look:

a) Jenna's bipolar titties. Jenna's right titty must be on downers, because it looks sad and it obviously wants to be alone. Jenna's left titty must be on uppers, because it looks like it's on cloud 9 and the king of the world.

b) Jenna's catsuit, which makes her look like a slutty black and white cookie.

c) Jenna's exquisite, pristine and angelic white leather camel toe.

d) Jenna's algae green hair color, which hos spend hours upon hours in the pool to get.

e) All of the above!

The answer is obviously e!

And here's more of Jenna looking like a methed-out, sun-damaged garden lizard trapped in a pile of seaweed.

The most gorgeous earth goddess in the world Shauna Sand already leaves a strand of liquid elegance on every peen her mouth touches and now she's going to leave a scattering of cubic zirconia dust on every peen her mouth touches.

Because Shauna Sand is America's most priceless jewel, a team of Brink's security guards and Secret Service Agents follow her around at all times, but she'll have to up her security now that she has gemstones almost as precious as her embedded into her citrine-colored teeth.

TMZ somehow got a hold of these extremely exclusive and private pictures of a Manhattan dentist showing off the Barbie earrings he implanted into the Empress of Lucite's teeth. Elegance IS looking like a giant diamond just came all over your teeth. Those diamond studs will go perfectly with the exquisite pearl necklace she usually wears around her neck. Before going into her mouth, those diamond studs were worth $60 each, but an appraiser says that now that they're a part of Shauna Sand, they're worth more money than exists in this world. Disneyland should replace the giant mountain of gold coins in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride with these pictures, because nothing is more luxurious than this.

Here's everything Courtney Stodden wishes she was and more sashaying into the free clinic in Beverly Hills the other day. Wearing that sweater with a naked picture of herself on it solidifies Shauna Sand as a fashion icon for the ages.