The Hoff

The America's Got Talent set will now have a sanitizing station at every corner and contestants will have to marinate in a bath of hot vinegar before taking the stage, because Howie Mandel is going to be the newest judge! Last week, The Hoff announced that he was triple X-ing himself off the show to go and do his own thing (aka have a threesome with a cheeseburger and a bottle of Jack).

Yesterday, NBC confirmed that after several OCDers from A&E's Obsessed thoroughly disinfect The Hoff's old chair and button, Howie will settle into his place beginning this summer. Sharon Osbourne and Piers Morgan will also be back as judges.

I'd high-five Howie, but that would probably cause him to chew his own hand off. On second thought, let's all high-five him anyway, because watching him chew his own hand off sounds pretty fucking entertaining. Now that's TALENT! No X from me.

via HuffPo

In news that will hit you in the gut with a powerful fist of "we all saw this coming," The Hoff has been fired from America's Got Talent because the producers were sick of him stealing Purell from everyone's dressing room to use as a mixer. Wait. Did I say "fired"? Well, give me a Lohan kick to the pussy, because I really meant to say that The Hoff left on his own accord. Yes, we're going with that one. Let's hear it from The Hoff:

“I am proud that I was part of making America’s Got Talent the No. 1 rated show for the past four summers. It’s been a rewarding experience and now I’m thrilled to be able to follow my dream to do my own TV show, which will be announced very shortly. I want to thank my friend, (executive producer) Simon Cowell, and everyone at NBC and Fremantle for the opportunity for four great years.”

Since The Hoff still believes he's only hooked on a feeling, and not hooked on the bottle, I doubt his next TV project will involve Dr. Drew or Ken Seeley. Maybe he's going to host America's Next Top Cheeseburger for the Food Network?

In other news, Paula Abdul was spotted on her hands and knees in front of Simon Cowell's front gates. I wonder what that's about. <---- Not a question.

While The Hoff dried out in the psych ward on Saturday night, his ex-wife Pamela was put into handcuffs for driving while under the influence of booze. That family and the sweet nectar are fucking done professionally.

Pamela told TMZ that she was with her daughters earlier in the evening, trying to comfort them because their father is in the hospital. After she wiped their tears, she went off to dinner to booze her sorrows away. Pamela claims she only had a few drinks, but she blew a .14 on a breathalyzer test, so she must have been doing Big Gulp-sized shots.

Pamela was later released on $15,000 bail. This is her second DUI in one year, which means she'll probably have to spend some time in a jail cell.

After her arrest, Pamela told TMZ, "I am remorseful and mortified. I am going through a really difficult time between David being in the hospital and dealing with the divorce."

If you want to booze through your problems, then at least do it right. Do what we all do. Take the bottle, go to the bathroom, lock the door, turn on the shower, sit against the wall and bawl your eyes out while listening to Carly Simon's Greatest Hits. Don't get behind the wheel of anything with a motor.

And somewhere in a Vh1 board room, Dr. Drew is pitching Celebrity Rehab: Family Edition.

The Hoff was hospitalized on Friday after he reportedly suffered a seizure following a two-day booze binge. Radar says that the doctors aren't ready to release The Hoff back into the wild (and into the arms of a Jack Daniels bottle) just yet. They have stamped a Code 5150 on The Hoff's nalgas and will keep him for up to 72 hours for a psychiatric evaluation.

Apparently, some of The Hoff's family members have wised up and want him to go directly to rehab from the hospital. The Hoff recently denied that he has a problem with the sauce, so who knows if he'll go.

Methinks The Hoff's family will have to get creative if they want him to go to rehab. They should trick him by leaving a trail of deliciously greasy cheeseburgers from his hospital room door to the front steps of the rehab clinic.

Radar Online reports that The Hoff has been hospitalized at Cedars Sinai in Los Angeles after he suffered a seizure on Friday. A source says that The Hoff's seizure might have had something to do with him being permanently attached to a booze bottle for the past few days. The Hoff is also on anti-seizure medication.

The Hoff's rep wouldn't confirm that he's in the hospital or that he suffered a seizure. But one of his neighbors saw an ambulance outside of The Hoff's house and told Radar, "I asked one of the paramedics how David was doing and he told me his eyes were rolling back into his head, he was drooling and that he'd had a seizure. Unfortunately, this isn't the first time this has happened to him."

The Los Angeles City Fire Department confirmed that an ambulance was called to The Hoff's house in Encino and a patient was transported to a hospital for medical attention.

Dr. Drew, come and get this man! You know, if The Hoff doesn't want to clean it up a bit for the sake of his daughter or the entire country of Germany, then maybe he should do it for that fancy jacket. It won't continue to spark unless The Hoff gets it together.

At last night's MTV EMAs in Berlin, Germany's golden child took the mic and behaved like your drunk boss giving a blundering speech at the company Christmas party while everyone throws him "shouldn't you be setting a good example" side eyes. Seriously, The Hoff was slurring like he just gave oral to a taser gun.

Instead of Kanye snatching the mic from him, The Hoff needed Ken Seeley to come and take him away.

And I feel like we should raise a glass (filled with a non-boozy beverage*, of course) to The Hoff's oh-so-fanceeeeee sequins blazer. It stayed sparkly in such an awkward situation.

*Does a wine cooler count as real alcohol?

VIA Buzzfeed

The Hoff has taken his acts of drunkenness international! While visiting London, The Hoff ended up in the emergency room after going a little too far with the booze. I guess you know you've had too much to drink when a doctor is yelling "CLEAR" in the ER.

The Sun reports that a doctor was called to The Hoff's room at the St. Martins Lane Hotel because he was suffering from the drunk ills in a bad way. The Hoff's inner angry drunk came out when the doctor arrived. Sources say he freaked out and accidentally punched the doctor in the head. Don't hassle The Hoff, especially when the bitch is tanked.

An amublance was called, and The Hoff was shuffled off to a private hospital where he spent 2 days drying out. The source added, "David is very hard to handle when he drinks, often very emotional and aggressive. On this occasion he became so drunk he wet his hotel bed - ruining two mattresses - and was becoming a real pain for staff. His assistant Joe Townley was so concerned he called out a doctor. David was furious and lashed out at him - but mistakenly hit the doctor. They decided they had no option but to lock him in the basement until an ambulance arrived."

This is the fifth time The Hoff has been admitted to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. Although, he has denied it every single time.

The Hoff really needs to spend less time with the sweet nectar (I can't believe I typed that) and more time watching his own videos. Seriously, whenever I need to sober up in a quick second for Sunday morning church, I just watch a few seconds of "Hooked On A Feeling." The booze will immediately evaporate from your bloodstream and your head will be clearer than an exquisite lucite heel.

Oh, and just so you know, no hamburgers were harmed this time.

Once again, The Hoff is shitting on claims that he was taken to the hospital because of alcohol poisoning. The Hoff tells TMZ that it's all just a misunderstanding and he didn't even have one drop of the sweet nectar at all yesterday.

Yesterday, The Hoff's daughter reportedly called her mother because she was afraid that her father swallowed an entire bar and got the drunk ills. An ambulance was called and The Hoff went off to the hospital. That's his ex-wife's story.

According to The Hoff, he wasn't drunk at all, but he was sick due to mixing Antabuse, a drug he takes for his booze problems, and Antivert, a drug he was taking for an ear infection. Mixing the two made him extremely dizzy and he wasn't able to get a hold of his doctor, so the paramedics were called. Once they arrived. they shuffled him off to the hospital, sorted him out and then released him an hour later. That's The Hoff's story.

Okay, you know The Hoff got the ear infection, because he was trying to get drunk by pouring whiskey in his ear (try a vodka tampon next time, Hoff).

That being said, let's just believe The Hoff and say that his 17-year-old daughter must have been the drunk one and got everything wrong. Sarcasm.

An ambulance was called to The Hoff's Encino home yesterday afternoon, because his daughter suspected he had the drunks in a seriously dangerous way. TMZ reports that The Hoff's 17-year-old daughter Hailey called her mother Pamela telling her that he was boozed up like you at 2-for-1 happy hour (times a million). One of Pamela's friends immediately called 911 and the paramedics showed up to take The Hoff's liquored up ass off to the hospital to dry out.

The Hoff was supposed to be released back into the wild last night. His reps wouldn't comment.

According to Radar, this is the fifth time in just a few years that The Hoff had to go to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. The Hoff's reps have denied this over and over again.

How many "hamburger" moments is The Hoff going to have before he says no to the bottle? The Hoff needs to clean it up a bit, because the entire country of Germany is counting on him! If anything ever happened to The Hoff, Germany would put up a "CLOSED" sign and fall off the map. And can you imagine how much fuckery we'd miss out on if Germany shut down? The Hoff needs to do it for Germany!

Okay, not a "world-class" athlete, but she is a "Malibu-class" athlete, because she completed a triathlon there this past weekend. When Teri Snatcher crossed the finish line, her mom, The Snapple Lady, immediately gave her a congratulatory nuzzle. Or maybe Teri smelled like a tuna melt and her momma was trying to get a good whiff. Who knows!

Other celebwhores who took part in the Malibu Triathlon were William H. Macy (who was there for an Emmy), Mario Lopez (who was there because he needed another excuse to take his top off), Jeremy Piven (who was there for the fish) and The Hoff (who was there for the...for the...why was he there?).

And I'm pleased to announce that next year I will host the first annual Dlisted triathalon! Booze, bong and blow your way to victory!