Susan Boyle

In case you missed it, here's the delicate teddy bear with the voice of a unicorn angel cracking and choking like Tommy Girl at his wedding on The View this morning. Susan Boyle started to gracefully coo out cloudy musical notes of magic that felt snowflakes softly hitting my ear drums and then it happened....

One of Pebbles' hairballs inched up SuBo's wind pipe and it brought the melodic winter magic to an end! SuBo didn't know she was live, because she asked if she could start over again. And that was Tasmanian Sherri and Igor Goldberg's cue to stumble through the smoke and save the day. Eh. That shit happens.

But you know, it might not have happened if there wasn't all that damn smoke all over the place! Was it really necessary for SuBo to perform from inside one of Meat Loaf's videos? I kept waiting to see a boat slowly gliding towards me in the distance with the Phantom of the Opera at the helm.

But seriously, SuBo should've just turned around, hocked that bitch ass frog up, spit into the smoke, turned back around and picked up at the next lyric.

SuBo later did it over for the West Coast without a crack or choke:

Pebbles the cat was woken up last night when she got a series of hysterical texts from her best friend Susan Boyle crying about how an evil man with a face like a boiled Scream mask (SuBo's words, not mine) ruined everything! The Daily Mail says that the most famous karaoke singer in the entire world fled Los Angeles in a cloud of sadness last night right after Lou Reed refused to give permission for her to sing "Perfect Day" on America's Got Talent.

Right before he kicked a litter of newborn kittens, snatched a lollipop out of a blind toddler's hand and tied a damsel to the train tracks, Lou told the producers of AGT that he's isn't a SuBo fan so he's not going to let her sing the song live.

A source says that SuBo is as fragile as the horn on a porcelain unicorn figurine, so she broke down into tears and headed for LAX to catch the next flight to London. The source added, "Susan is very sensitive and is genuinely upset. This has really knocked her confidence. She was in a car on the way to the studio when she was told the news and was totally devastated. She's now at LAX Airport sobbing her heart out."

But seriously! Something in the milk ain't clean about this. Obviously, there's a whole lot of confusion going on here. Susan Boyle singing Lou Reed? I'm afraid SuBo's heartache was all in vain. SuBo didn't want to sing Lou Reed's Perfect Day! She wanted to sing Hoku's Perfect Day! The lyrics are deeper and more intense... I mean, if it's good enough for Sandals!

So now SuBo thinks Don Ho's daughter popped the tiny bubble in her heart! Awful.

This story is as old as time. A world famous superstar sensation turns her hairy back on the one true friend who loved her unconditionally when she was just a lonely cat lady who practiced kissing with her pillow and ate canned tuna for all her meals. But now that she's the toast of the entire world, she has completely forgotten about her soul mate. A tragic tail.

Susan Boyle's rep confirms to The Mirror says that she is no longer living with Pebbles the cat. SuBo is too busy traveling the planet and she's only visited Pebbles three times in the past 7 months. Pebbles now lives with a retired woman who gets paid around $7 a day to care for SuBo's ex-best friend. The woman said that the last time SuBo came around to visit, Pebbles wouldn't even come out to tell the bitch "hi." And do you blame the pussy?

Pebbles probably spent many a lonely night cuddling up next to a furry caterpillar thinking it was one of SuBo's eyebrows. And when the caterpillar would sting her ass, Pebbles would continue to cuddle it. But nothing stings harder than being abandoned by your best friend for the cheap whore known as fame!

Pebbles will get her revenge by putting out an album of angsty chick rock songs about how SuBo did her wrong. Pebbles will be the Alanis Morrissette of 2010.

Susan Boyle is having one of those weeks that just makes you want to choke out a cat (Pebbles, report to the nearest safe house). A couple of nights ago, SuBo strolled into her home looking forward to a peaceful night of pussy petting with Pebbles. But instead SuBo found a creepy intruder inside her house. As soon as the intruder dude spotted SuBo, he ran out of there. SuBo is afraid to go back to her house, because she thinks the stalker might come back. And if that isn't making SuBo lick a Valium, then this might.

SuBo's idol of all idols Elaine Paige (star of Cats, Chess, Evita, etc...) isn't going to join her knitting circle any time soon. Elaine tells the Daily Mail that she thinks SuBo is a YouTube virus that infected the entire world in just a few seconds. Elaine explains, "I don't particularly feel any pride for her - I'm sure she is proud of what she has done. It's all about turning someone into an immediate celebrity at the expense of longevity and working hard and experience. Susan Boyle is doing terribly well considering she literally came to the attention of the world overnight with the advent of YouTube. She was like a virus really that spread across the world in a nanosecond. She is a girl with no experience of anything to do with theatrics, the music business, or art in any way. She has done terribly well to be a major star overnight with YouTube."

And when Elaine was asked if she thinks the SuBo virus will continue to spread, she answered, "That's a good question. She is a major star because of YouTube. Longevity is gained through knowledge, experience and effort so it will remain to be seen. When I started, YouTube didn't exist but even then with 15 years of experience prior to my success with Evita it was difficult, so I admire the way she handled her sudden success. Britain's Got Talent and The X Factor just take a bunch of people from real life who think they can sing and try and turn them into overnight 'stars' with a couple of songs. Ha ha. It's not entertainment."

How do you say "THAT BITCH" in catanese? Meow Meow? Does Miss Elaine Paige even know what a virus is? A virus is something that seeps into your pores, eats at your soul and just won't go away no matter how much you try to destroy it with huge amounts of booze, drugs and episodes of Mr. Belvedere (the latter usually works). It infiltrates your brain and occupies every single thought you have. You punch at your ears to make it go away, but it's still there. As soon as you delete it from your iTunes, someone who has been living under one of Aretha Franklin's chichis for the past year sends you an e-mail entitled: "BEST VERSION OF I DREAMED A DREAM EVER." That is a virus.

Oh. Just ignore everything I just wrote, and give Elaine a Q-Tip.

Below is a duet of "I Know Him So Well" between Elaine Paige and the SuBo virus. It doesn't end with Elaine shoving her mic down SuBo's throat, but she was probably thinking about doing that the entire time. MEOW MEOW!

UPDATE: Elaine Paige would like to clear some things up and doesn't want to wake up to find Pebbles scratching at her froat. Elaine issued this statement:

"I was dismayed to read the remarks attributed to me today in the Daily Mail which were incomplete and misinterpreted.

I am a huge supporter of Susan Boyle and admire what she has achieved; she has handled the extraordinary situation of being catapulted to worldwide stardom with tremendous strength, charm and dignity and I thoroughly enjoyed working with her on the ITV special we recorded together only last month.

I have always said it's very hard for someone to be fast-tracked to stardom without any prior experience - I know this as it happened to me when ‘Evita' opened and I found it extremely difficult in the beginning; today, of course, it's much harder with the phenomenon of the internet - Facebook, YouTube etc - it seems it only takes minutes for fame to spread around the world - and that's why I used the word ‘virus'! I wasn't referring to Susan herself; I was referring to the speed of her fame spreading as fast as a worldwide viral marketing campaign."

Susan Boyle's debut album has sold approximately ten trillion copies (Pebbles the cat is her tabulator), so she should be on the top of the world. But some source tells The Sun that SuBo is actually on top of Mars instead. Apparently, SuBo brought her crazy cat lady act to the VIP lounge at Heathrow, and it made everyone around her clench their ass lips out of uncomfortableness. Fun fact: Listening to SuBo's album without freebasing vodka first will also cause you to clench your ass lips. I learned this the hard way. I had to show them this picture so they could exhale.

The source went on to explain that while SuBo was waiting to board a flight to Chicago, she suddenly grabbed a cleaning product out of a janitor's cart and used it as a fake microphone. After SuBo started singing into her make-shift mic, an airport employee asked her to put the crazy on mute. That's when SuBo started running through the terminal screaming, "I've escaped, I've escaped!" Basically, SuBo was re-enacting the first time all of us dropped acid.

The employee finally got SuBo to simmer down by sitting with her. The source added, "It was chaos. Susan was very restless and agitated from the minute she walked in and immediately started making a scene. She was singing and dancing around, shouting obscenities at full volume."

Because of her past public meltdowns, SuBo's team is giving her mental state the side-eye.

So SuBo released the bats in the airport. That doesn't mean her loved ones should hug her with a straitjacket just yet. Airports make people go crazy. That's what they are supposed to do. We all have allergic reactions to airports. I mean, nothing pounds on your nerves like the smell of burnt coffee, the sound of screaming brats and the sight of the one vacant seat in the waiting area being used as a luggage holder. SuBo was just PROJECTING.

Glamberace, Alien Princess RiRi, Shakira and Lady CaCa all had new albums last week, but Susan Boyle showed all of those little bitches how a true gangsta really does it! Pebbles' favorite vato sold 701,000 copies of her debut cover album "I Dreamed a Dream." This gave her the #1 album of the week and also the biggest chart debut of the year.

Now you know why your cat was rifling through your purse. That pussy was fishing for a bill, so it could go out and support its QUEEN! And Jennifer Aniston's friends and family are all getting a copy of their Christmas stocking, because cat ladies got to stick together.

Here's The Top 10 albums of the week according to Billboard:

1. SuBo - I Dreamed A Dream - 701,000
2. Andrea Boccelli - My Christmas - 218,000
3. Glamberace - For Your Entertainment - 198,000
4. RiRi - Rated-R - 181, 000
5. Lady CaCa - The Fame Monster (EP) - 174,000
6. Lady CaCa - The Fame - 151,000
7. Miley Cyrus - The Time Of Our Lives - 150,000
8. Taylor Swift - Fearless - 125,000
9. Carrie Underwood - Play On - 124,000
10. Norah Jones - The Fall - 110,000
15. Shakira - She Wolf - 89,000

Sharon Osbourne became one of my personal heroes when she de-weaved that skank Megan Hauserman last year. And Sharon brought the cuntery yet again when she went on a rant about the most famous person in the world, Susan Boyle, to Opie & Anthony (clip above).

Sharon sounded like a Dlisted comment come to life when she said, "I like everybody to do well. Even somebody that looks like a slapped arse. God bless her. It's like, 'You go girl'. She does look like a hairy arsehole. She is a lovely lady. You just want to say 'god bless' and here's a Gillette razor."

If SuBo really looked like a hairy asshole, Tommy Girl's tongue would be permanently attached to her cheek.

But seriously, Sharon is like that cunty old aunt who tells you that you've got pregnant calves and armpits that look like a Shar Pei's cooch. Sharon isn't coming a mean place. Okay, maybe she is, but you still laughed. So you're an accessory to her bitchiness.

And FYI, here's what Sharon looked like BPS (before plastic surgery):

Pebbles the cat just fell in love for the second time.

This is Susan Boyle's first single off of her upcoming debut album "Cat Ladies Do It Better." SuBo blows her hummingbird voice all over the Rolling Stones' song "Wild Horses." Personally, I wish she would've switched it up a bit by changing the lyrics to "Wild Eyebrows," but that's just me.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. Parts of it makes my soul wants to cuddle up with a faux fur and sip on Chamomile tea while watching a tear-inducing Lifetime movie starring Melissa Gilbert. But the other parts of it are making my ear hair sweat (I'm getting it trimmed today, OK!).

I'll have plenty of opportunities to completely analyze this shit, because I have a feeling it will be played at every Walgreens, in every elevator and at every single gay wedding. Prepare yourself.

And here's the most FAMOUS woman in the world taking Los Angeles by storm yesterday. SuBo will perform at the finale for America's Got Talent this week. Check your local listings, because there's a bong calling my name and I can't be bothered to look up when exactly that shit is airing.

Everyone's favorite cat lady with a voice like a magical hummingbird got a tiny little makeover for a spread in Harper's Bazaar. This was Susan Boyle's first big interview with a magazine and she didn't mind getting make-up slathered on her voice or fancy clothes thrown on her body. But Susan said she's not going to go on the HoHan diet or get a blonde weave nest glued to her head anytime soon. Susan said, "Maybe I'll consider a makeover later on. For now I'm happy the way I am -- short and plump. I would not go in for Botox or anything like that. I'm content with the way I look. What's wrong with looking like Susan Boyle? What's the matter with that?"

Absolutely nothing! And I can see that Susan spent a little more time with the tweezer. While I was a fan of her woolly mammoth brows, I am glad that she realized how important eyebrow care is. It's important!

Susan also she was a little shocked after becoming the Queen of YouTube for a minute, "YouTube? What's that? A tube of candy? I don't think so! That was a shock. The YouTube thing was like a demolition ball. "It was just overwhelming -- to find TV stations camped outside your door and the phone ringing 24 hours a day," continues the singer, who briefly checked into a clinic in London after losing the show. "It was good. But overwhelming. It was too big for anyone to handle."

Susan's comment on YouTube reminds my ass of what my mother said the first time we talked about that shit. I was telling her about something I saw on YouTube and she said, "YouTube?! Is that some kind of sex thing?!"

You know, I shouldn't joke, because this is most likely going to be my future too. But instead of a crazy cat lady, I'll be a crazy cat bunny puppy gay. I'm fine with it. Unlike humans, animals gladly leave their shit out in the open for you to deal with.

This is the trailer for a documentary on crazy cat ladies currently making the film festival rounds. It's serious business. I like cats and kittens, but who needs 16 of them?! Besides Jeremy Piven, who wants to open up drawer to find a dozen pussies jumping out at them? Some of these hos needs to trade in a cat or two for a vibrator. When I'm a crazy cat bunny puppy gay, I hope to come back to this post and read that last sentence again so that I can take my own advice!

And we should all take these hot bitches out to a place that doesn't reek of cat piss and tuna vomit for a really strong DRANK.