Bitch Goes Down

The Kardashian family made dreams come true yesterday by lining up to get punched out by the luckiest people in the world. The Kardashians agreed to be human (mostly) punching bags for the sake of charity. The beat down party extravaganza, which was held at the Commerce Casino in CA, raised cash for the Dream Foundation.

It sounds like everything went according to God's plan, because Kim took a blow to the face and her brother Rob ended up in the hospital with a busted head. Kim wrote on her blog:

"When Rob stepped in the ring to fight, his opponent was at least 25 lbs heavier than him, even though the organization had assured us that they were screening the people we were fighting against and that they would be within 5 lbs of our weights! At one point Rob's mask fell off and when he put his hands down he got hit in the face and ended up in hospital with a concussion. Rob's a strong guy and can definitely hold his own, but he wasn't expecting to get hit after his mask had fallen off! This guy just got really down and dirty!

We were all really angry and upset about what had happened to Rob, but I hadn't even fought yet and I didn't want to let the charity down, so I decided to get in the ring. My girl was a good sport, but she was tough! I knew I had to do it for charity, since that's what it was all about, but man, my girl could throw a punch! Look at my black eye!!!

At the end of the day, we did this for charity and that's what counts. Rob is doing fine now and my black eye will be gone soon... I hope."

YES KIM, that black eye is absolutely Hostel-like. It's horrific. You better take out a restraining order against the eyeshadow brush that punched you out like that.

And I don't understand how Kim could've lost her bout with an ass like that. Homegirl's ass could easily become the heavyweight champion of the world. All she has to do is wiggle it just a little bit and it would've been an instant KO!

By the way, Khloe Kardashian dropped out at the last minute, because she was too scared. Something in the milk ain't clean about that. My guess is that Khloe's opponent figured out who she was fighting and immediately dug a hole out of that bitch. Khloe could make us all blackout just by growling.

There's a million celebwhores that deserve to be punched in the face (i.e. almost every bitch on a reality show, Dr. Phil, Michael Lohan, etc...etc...), but someone that isn't on my list is Leona Lewis. Obviously, not everyone agrees with me, because Leona got straight-up slapped in the face at a signing for her new autobiography today. BLEEDING MUG! Who knew that Leona Lewis of all people could drive a dumbass to get violent?

The Sun reports that a 20-something dude went to the trouble of waiting in the long line just so he could slap her. One of Leona's friends said, "Leona was utterly shocked and appalled as it came out of nowhere. The man queued up patiently, then as soon as she signed his book he smashed her in the face. He didn't say anything to her and she is at a loss as to why anyone would do such an evil thing. She is devastated as she comes from quite a humble background and loves meeting her fans. She was doing a three-hour signing and planned to sign hundreds of books. She's been taken to a Harley Street doctor by her record label as she needs to be fixed up as it was quite a punch and she's very dainty."

Leona's rep confirms the attack and says they are working with the police. The rep added that Leona didn't need medical treatment. According to the BBC, the slapper has been taken into custody.

I know we've all heard "Bleeding Love" enough times to make us go crazy, but DAMN. It's not that serious. Calm down, sit on your hands and eat some weed. Shit.

A group of drunk dicktards were causing trouble on the streets of Swansea, South Wales when a couple of cross-dressing dudes happened to walk by. The shitbags immediately started fucking with the drag queens thinking two men wearing wigs couldn't possibly pose a threat to them. Well, this turned out to be a hate crime GONE RIGHT!

The cross-dressers were actually two cage fighters dressed in drag for a party. As soon as one of the drunk morons threw a punch at one of the sexy ladydudes, it was all over after that. One of the cage queens delivered two fiiiieeeerce punches on the idiot. You know that hot bitch didn't even break a nail. Whatever lights were on in that house are now out! Dude stumbled off to die of shame on the street.

The cage queens didn't let those fuckers ruin their night, so they picked up their handbags and continued to work the stroll. That is how a ladeeee behaves.

Somewhere in the UK, Alex "Roxanne" Reid is prancing around in pink panties while shouting, "YOU GO GURLS!"

The drunktards were arrested later in the night for acting the fool. A judge sentenced them to four months of community service.

This just confirms that we need more cage fighting drag queens patrolling the streets at all times.

(Thanks Donna)

COCO is broken! YES, the ginge mop has been tousled. Bow your heads....

E! News says that Conan O'Brien busted his head while shooting a skit for last night's episode. Conan was running down a flight of stairs when he slipped and went down. An ambulance shuttled Conan off to the hospital where he's currently getting fixed up. Last night's show was canceled and they aired a repeat instead.

Conan, who might have amnesia now, joked about it afterwards: "Last thing I remember I was enjoying the play with Mrs. Lincoln, and the next thing I knew I was in bed being served cookies and juice."

You know, last night I watched (for the zillionth time) the greatest piece of art ever captured on celluloid, Showgirls. Conan falling down reminds me of the pivotal scene where Nomi pushes Cristal down the flights of stairs. Hm. Who was behind Conan? And where was Jay Leno in all of this? Because I've always thought of Jay and Conan as the Showgirls of late night talk shows.

The truth is I'm only posting this story, because I needed a reason to use this picture of Ahahahahaha-Rod after getting hit by a pitch last night. I don't think he's felt that much pain since he tried to finger bang Madonna's roidy cooze for the first time. Now on to the battle of the Yankees hos!

Page Six says that things aren't really unicorns and rainbows between A-Rod and fellow Yankee Derek Jeter, so it makes sense that their hate for each other has trickled down to their girlfriends. According to sources, Derek's lady Minka Kelly (of Friday Night Lights) and Kate Hudson aren't really holding hands in the stands (accidental rhyme!), "There's been visible coldness between Minka and Kate. I don't know if it's a personal thing, or just an extension of the ongoing A-Rod-Jeter rivalry. People are choosing sides."

I love that "people are choosing sides" quote. This is just like Footballers' Wives except a homelier version....and not as bitchy or glamorous. Okay, this is nothing like Footballers Wives. Because if it was, this is how Kate and Minka would have handled their little feud.

Seriously, this is how you do it. Kate and Minka are both amateurs! If Tanya Turner was involved, she would've fucked both of their boyfriends by now and been pregnant with TWINS (one baby for each man).

If you're ever feeling brave enough to ask Method Man for an autograph, you better strap a bullet-proof vest over your chest, pray to the Three Wolf Moon and have your best running shoes on, because you may get shot at. TMZ says that a woman in Houston is suing Method Man for shooting her with an air gun when she asked him for an autograph after a show in November 2008. LOL.

Mary Anderson said that after she tried to get Method Man to sign something for her, he whipped out an air gun and started firing pellets. Mary says she was hit around six times. Okay, I've never been shot with an air gun, but I'm guessing it hurts more than when the dick misses the hole. That means it hurts A LOT. And Mary, if someone keeps shooting at your ass, that's your cue to ruuuuuuuuun.

(Read this in a Jackee Harry voice, because it's the only way) Maaaary is suing for money. Of course.

Isn't Method Man a stoner of epic proportions? Shouldn't he be hugging on everyone and asking them if they are carrying any Fritos on their persons? Dude must have had the wrong stuff in his bong.

The Mormon daddy of David Archuleta, the baby-teethed mouth breather from American Idol, was arrested this past January in Utah for allegedly soliciting a prostitute whore in a massage parlor. Busted after busting a nut? Ain't that a stone-cold bitch.

Radar says that Jeffrey James Archuleta was involved in a police raid on a massage parlor in Midvale, Utah. The police sergeant said the massage parlor's landlord knew something in the jizz wasn't clean when he noticed that the employees were always dressed like sluts. When the police sergeant couldn't find a business license for the hand job factory, they raided the joint! There was only one john there at the time and it happened to be none-other-than David Archuleta's papa je'e'!

They found Papa Archie laying on his belly with a masseuse wearing lace panties standing over him. When the police asked him if he got sexy with the leased ho, Papa Archie admitted that he had. He also said he found the place on Craigslist (enough said). Papa Archie was cited and released. His second release of the day!

Papa Archie's lawyer is now chirping that his client never got milked during the massage. He said his client went to the massage parlor for a back problem. IT WAS A BACK PROBLEM! A. BACK. PROBLEM. I believe him. Any fully-trained licensed massage therapist will tell you that the quickest way to relieving back pain is a finger up the asshole and a jerk of the peen. It works every time and it's not sexual. When it involves rubber gloves, it's medical!

This is actually a big bowl of laughs, because wasn't David's father a total cunt during American Idol? I think he yelled at people constantly and was even banned from the set a few times. We can just blame it on his back problem.

Carrie Prejean will be reporting to the back of the unemployment line tomorrow, because has been fired as Miss California. TMZ says that Donald Trump and the Miss California organization has had it with Miss Tits 4Jesus skipping out on scheduled appearances and not getting permission for non-pageant shit. Donald Trump also added that Carrie has been a total cunt to everyone in the organization except for him. The Donald said, "To me she was the sweetest thing. Everyone else -- she treated like shit."

TMZ also posted a couple of bitchy e-mails Carrie sent to pageant officials. In one e-mail Carrie wrote: "You do not cooperate with me, and you pick and chose [sic] the the [sic] things YOU want me to do. That is not happening anymore. Stop speaking for me. I have MY own voice." And in another e-mail, she really brought on the charm, "Also I was asked to fill in for a dj on a local radio show.. I'll be reading from a show biz script Monday. I am doing this."

Did Carrie go to the Courtney Love School of E-mail Writing?

Anyway, Carrie will be absolutely fine. She'll get a job at Fox News. She'll marry some billionaire. She'll only wear Talbots. And she'll spend her afternoons drinking martinis, snorting crushed up painkillers and slapping the help.

After a few years of marriage, her husband will get caught in a park restroom with some gay hustler. Then Carrie will write a weepy tell-all, star in the Lifetime TV version of her book and never be heard from again. Oh and somewhere in there she'll record a Christian disco album.

I hope I'm at least right about the very last part.

Poison performed with the show Rock of Ages on the Tony Awards tonight and the theater gods were not amused with the idea of the keeper of the whores on Broadway. They gave Bret Michaels a warning by practically decapitating him and knocking him on his ass! HAHAHAHA! Who ever said the Tonys didn't bring laughs?! I wonder if his "fine European extensions" survived? And I also wonder how long it took them to mop up all the douche water that splashed out of his ears? What a beautiful moment. Totally rock and fucking roll.

And here's some pictures of Poison with Constantine before Bret almost got beheaded. I guess C.C. Deville couldn't make it. It was nice of Phyllis Diller to fill in for him.

Glenn Beck, a crazy person who has a show on Fox News, is so powerful at presenting that he makes hos pass out! Today on his show, Glenn was talking about some shit called the "Path to Destruction" (sounds like a party to me) when one of his guests, David Buckner, was ready to check out. David said to Glenn, "I'm going to pass out." Glenn must be used to making hos dizzy, because he practically ignored his ass. He just smiled like he was letting out a slow fart. Glenn finally gave David a hand when he realized the dude was about to go BOOM. When David was on the floor, one producer slowly approached him like he was a rabid animal or some shit! He's not going to bite, he's fucking out cold!

Glenn later said that David was fine and receiving medical attention. Can you imagine if the last image you saw was Glenn Beck's face? There's no way David was going to go out like that!