Drink an entire cup of holy water to cleanse your organs, give them a pep talk and get on the next plane to Mexico, because the bad shit is legal there!!!!!! Sort of. The Mexican government made it legal for you to carry around small amounts of drugs for personal use only. They said they only did it to prevent evil cops from taking bribes from small-time dealers.
You can legally carry the following amounts of drugs in your Lisa Frank fannypack when you're trolling around Mexico: "The maximum amount of marijuana under the new law is 5 grams—the equivalent of about four joints. The limit is a half gram for cocaine, the equivalent of about 4 lines. For other drugs, the limits are 50 milligrams of heroin, 40 milligrams for methamphetamine and 0.015 milligrams for LSD."
In other news, 97% of Hollywood, the entire state of Florida, every person with the last name Lohan and half the bankers on Wall Street just moved to Mexico. ARRIBA!
Last week, Brad Pitt told Bill Maher that he put his pot smoking days behind him when he became a father to the child army. Well, Quentin Tarantino says otherwise!
Yesterday on The Howard Stern Show, Quentin told a little tale about how Saint Brad of the Good Doers gave him a sliver of hash when he was hanging out his house in France last year. Brad also likes to smoke his good shit "8th-grade-style," because when Quentin asked for a pipe, he was given a Coke can. Yes, one of the richest dudes around is smoking hash out of a Coke can. I'm sure if Brad asked, one of the twin messiahs could just touch that Coke can and turn it into a solid gold bong.
Why so lie-telly, Brad? Is dude afraid that if he sings to the world that he's a proud stoner everyone will think he's the next Amy Wino? Please, the crazed Brangaloonies would still worship him even if it's uncovered that he's running a hash factory in France. Hmmm...that would explain why he has so many kiddies.
And Brad should not only embrace his stoner-ness, but he should also demand that every Brangaloonie needs to smoke a bowl every once and a while. Seriously, maybe that will calm the crazy a bit.
Skip on over to TMZ to listen Quentin on Howard.
Cheech (short for CheeChees) Marin married his Russian girlfriend of 4 years Natasha Rubin in Malibu yesterday in front of 75 guests including Don Johnson and Geraldo Rivera (A MESS!!).
People says that the bride wore hemp, the guests threw buds at them while they exited the church and the cake was made out of 79 cent crunchy tacos from Taco Bell with Funyuns frosting.
This short news tidbit is just the excuse you need to put your lips on a joint and only let go to exhale. Repeat..cough...repeat....cough....repeat...cough..... It's how Cheech would want you to celebrate.
Here's a few stills from a video obtained by Inside Edition of the Gosselin children's possible future stepmother taking a hit from a bong and a pipe while not wearing pants. Hailey knows what's up. Whenever I'm getting read to get my bong on, I always take my pants off. Pants just get in the way of conducting business properly. And that doesn't really sound right. While my glitter hole weeps at the thought, read on....
This video isn't really shocking since Hailey Glassman and her not right brows were arrested a few years ago for marijuana possession. It's also not shocking, because she's 20-something and this is what a lot of them do. Sucking on a bong totally prepared Hailey for sucking the hot air out of Jon's ass.
Part of me thinks that Kate Gosselin and her possum hair are sharing a cup of Hazlenut International Coffee and laughing at this. The other part of me thinks that Hailey is on Kate's payroll. Thanks to Hailey, Jon's gone from sad nut-less victim to douchiest douche who ever douched. I mean, Kate's approval ratings are up!
No, not chicken cutlets and Mother's Circus Animal Cookies. Or Prince Hot Ginge's blazing dick bush and lucite. It's Mah Boo Anderson Cooper (in shorty sleeves nonetheless) and the good shit together in one place! If you put a dollop of my panty pudding under a microscope, it would look exactly like this clip!
Mah Boo traveled to Los Angeles to go weed shopping, but if he wants to learn about the sweet herb he should come on over here. I'll teach him that the fastest way to bliss is to smoke a bowl off my no-no. Don't fret about me getting third-degree burns in the ass. It's been through worse. Ask the fire department and the free clinic.
According to Congressman Steve Buyer of Indiana, smoking lettuce is just like smoking cigarettes. Why do I picture a strung out bunny and a whorey guinea pig sharing a lettuce joint in a back alley?
Good ole' Steve's theory got me thinking about smoking lettuce, so I decided to do some extensive research (aka a ten-second Google search) on the subject. I found this about iceberg lettuce:
When cut, the stems of lettuce plants ooze a milky juice whose appearance, taste, and smell are said to be similar to opium. Once dried, the substance is called lactucarium, or lettuce opium. Used by the ancient Egyptians, the stuff was listed in the Pharmacopeia of the United States of America as late as 1916. It can still be found in herbals and such, which describe it as a sedative and cough suppressant. Lettuce opium can be found in all lettuce species but is most commonly extracted from wild lettuce, Lactuca virosa.
Grab my salad spinner, we're going lettuce huntin'! Do you think you can flavor your lettuce joints with different kinds of dressing?
Don't be surprised if you see me on an episode of Intervention muttering to myself "fix fix gotta get my - lettuce - fix fix" while trolling the produce section of a grocery store.
And here's some pictures of Amy Wino in St. Lucia yesterday, because I'm sure she tries to smoke every single thing she comes in contact with.
This is the new torch for the 2010 Olympic Winter Games in Vancouver and it has some craving Rollitos and every item on the Taco Bell menu. The Star put it best: "All hail – or inhale – the 2010 Olympic Torch. Or, as it's jokingly known around Vancouver, the Olympic Toke."
The designer of the giant metal lit joint had this to say for himself, "Sure, it may look a little bit like a joint, but I can tell you that what they were going for was ergonomics, sleekness, modernity." Yeah. Uh huh. Keep blowing smoke in my face until I get a good buzz going.
I know what they were trying to do her. They were trying to woo dolphin god Michael Phelps with a promise that the good shit always blows through the streets of Vancouver. I just don't know which events he'd compete in? Bong sledding? Weed skating? Shake hockey? And where do I sign up?
I'm pretty sure this also means the opening ceremony is going to be one big HOT BOX party! Cover me completely and toke away!
A Spanish study shows that there's cocaine in the air in Madrid and Barcelona. For those of you that didn't bust into a kayak and start paddling your ass across the Atlantic ocean upon hearing this news, I will go on.
According to MSNBC, scientists found traces of amphetamines, opiates, cannabinoids and lysergic acid (street name: The Wino Breakfast) at two air quality control stations in each city. It's no shock that the amount of cokey in the air grows thicker on the weekends.
The science bitches also did studies in other European cities, but Barcelona and Madrid came out on top. In Madrid, they found around 850 picograms of Blohan dust per cubic meter of air. In Rome, they only found 100 picograms per cubic meter.
Unfortunately, one scientist said the amount of bad shit in the air isn't enough to get you rolling, "Not even if we lived for a thousand years would we consume the equivalent of a dose of cocaine by breathing this air." Thanks for ruining my day, scientist man.
But you know that's still not going to stop Wino, Pete Doherty and Blohan from flying their asses over to Barcelona for some "fresh air." If you see their crackie asses feverishly snorting up the air in Spain, you know why.
You know, the last time I was in Spain, I found myself dancing to absolutely anything. This explains it.
Image via ICHC (Thanks David)
Mega bonghead Woody Harrelson got into a little tussle at NYC's LaGuardia Airport this past Thursday with a TMZ cameradude who wanted to get up into his life. Woody didn't feel like playing, so he grabbed at the dude and broke one of his cameras. The dude can be heard whining on the video from TMZ that Woody is assaulting him. Woody busted out of there and the cameradude called the police who took his report.
This isn't the first time Woody got down with a pap from TMZ. Two years ago, Woody was accused of choking a trick from TMZ. Woody is trying to get that case dismissed.
Yesterday, Woody issued a statement explaining what went down at LaGuardia:
"I wrapped a movie called `Zombieland,' in which I was constantly under assault by zombies, then flew to New York, still very much in character. With my daughter at the airport I was startled by a paparazzo who I quite understandably mistook for a zombie."
So that's why I like Woody Harrelson!
You know, don't zombies usually attack bitches with brains?! They were going after the wrong ho, because Woody smoked up his brains years ago! And Woody needs to watch more zombie movies. You don't attack their asses! You go for the head! GO FOR THE HEAD!!!
This is just another reason why weed is a beautiful thing. It makes you say hilarious shit like this!
Yesterday afternoon, Snoop Dogg debuted The Wake 'N Bake Show live on UStream. The show is exactly what you would expect. It's just Snoop making sweet love to an obese joint while playing some music you can only enjoy if you're fucking high with him. Snoop's sparkly Obama even takes a little toke. That's why he sparkles!
I'm sober like a toddler right now, so this shit really isn't taking me higher, but after I've had a few intimate moments with my bong, this is going to be the greatest show like EVER! If Snoop wants to make a zillion more dollars, he should advertise for Taco Bell and Totino's during his show. Because Snoop's new stonercam is best served with a toke and something covered in cheese (not dick).
Snoop lives in California, so he has a license to smoke the good shit legally. Yeah, he says he needs to smoke it for "medical purposes." He probably suffers from a CHRONIC condition! Me fucking too.
Expect Snoop's Wake 'N Bake Show to have guests in the future like Michael Phelps, Charlize Theron, Amy Wino, Mischa Barton, Carlos Santana and every cartoon character ever created. I'm convinced that every cartoon character is a major stoner, because every time I"m high and watching a cartoons, they all stare at me with greedy eyes.