Good Shit

TMZ dug through the vaults of 1992 and pulled out a clip (click here to see it) of Whoopi Goldberg proclaiming her love for the good shit while doing voice-over stuff for The Pagemaster. Whoopi told the crew before Denzel Washington came out to present Best Supporting Actress at the Oscars in 1991, she was smoking a good shit joint to help numb her nerves. When her name slipped out of Denzel's lips, the nervousness nearly blew the green cloud of her head and Whoopi didn't know whether to chew on her dreads for a quick snack or lick the statue hoping that the metal would even her out. Whoopi GreenGoldberg put it like this:

"Smoking cigarettes and pot every now and then are my habits. And I thought, 'I've got to relax.' So I smoked this wonderful joint that was the last of my home grown.

When he said my name and I popped up, I thought, 'Oh fuck... okay, up the stairs... around to the podium... there's millions of people, pick up the statue, get the statue.

I know you're not supposed to admit that you smoke pot, but I don't drink alcohol. Just because I do it doesn't mean you should."

Whoopi's mom knew what was up and could tell she was high by her "glistening eyes."

You know how I can tell Whoopi definitely smoked a joint? Because if you skip to the 1:20 mark, you'll see Angelica Houston throw her the same stank look my friends always throw me. That's the "this bitch puffed more than passed" look. Angelica's probably the one who brought the joint and Whoopi sucked it all up. While Whoopi is jumping through Funyun rings, Angelica is the epitome of sober and she is not amused.

This is one of those things you knew you'd see eventually since: a) Miley Cyrus is dumb enough to let a bitch film her sucking on a bong and b) Mickey Mouse grows the good shit in his backyard so Miley can get it when she wants it.

TMZ got a hold of this cell phone video of Destiny Hope doing a bong hit 5 days after her 18th birthday at her house in California. Willie Nelson isn't about to invite Miley over for a little afternoon blunt anytime soon, because sources say that Miley is taking a hit of salvia, a natural herb with psychedelic qualities that's legal in California. Somewhere Noah Cyrus is laughing at this shit as she passes the jenkem to her friends and shakes a new batch of moonshine.

Even though Miley Cyrus' voice could scrub the high out of my being, it's still pretty funny watching her trip out off of one salvia hit. I wouldn't be surprised if somebody tricked her ass and put catnip in that bong instead. Miley seems like the type who can get drunk from drinking Gatorade too fast.

But you know who's really getting naturally high in this video? The friend recording and interviewing Miley like she's Barbara Fucking Walters. Thinking about all the money she's going to make off this mess is taking her up up and AWAY!

P.S. - Bush, really? Bush?!

Arresting Willie Nelson for being possession of the good shit is like arrested Jessica Simpson for farting. But that's exactly what officers in Texas did to him yesterday morning at a Border Patrol checkpoint in Sierra Blanca. When Willie's tour bus rolled up, BP agents smelled the delicious scent of marijuana floating out of the windows. That was just Willie burping again. Seriously, if Willie's tour rolled up and the officers didn't get a contact high from a good shit cloud wafting out of the windows, then they should arrest his ass! I'm clutching my bong with my mouth out of SHOCK about this.

E! News says that officials found 6 ounces of weed on the bus and Willie admitted it was his. They took him down to jail, charged him with a misdemeanor, and he was later released on $2,500 bail. Obviously, this has happened before.

Can't the government just grant Willie Nelson a pardon from all future marijuana arrests? It's Willie Fucking Nelson! The history books will tell you that he came out of the womb smoking pot. He'll smoke a joint on his bus, or in a jail cell. Dude doesn't care as long as he's got a joint between his lips.

The ghost of Taylor Momsen's future look, Sebastian Bach, was slipped into a pair of handcuffs first thing this morning at a bar in Toronto after he allegedly murdered a wine glass by throwing it across the room before biting at an employee who was trying to control his rage. Sebastian not only looks like one of the Real Housewives of Orange County without her face paint on, but he fights like one too. I'm into it.

The Toronto Sun says that 42-year-old Sebastian got into a fight with the staff at Riley’s Old Towne Pub. When they told his ass to get out, Sebastian headed for the door with a glass of wine in his hand. They told him he had to leave the wine glass, so he pulled an "If I can't have you, nobody can!" and threw it at the front door. That's when the owner of the bar tried to hold Sebastian down until the cops got there. While the owner hugged Sebastian hard, he got bit in the hand. The cops arrived and found 1.95 grams of weed in Sebastian's pockets. He was charged with with assault, possession of marijuana and mischief. He will face a judge in Toronto sometime today.

All of this foolery could have been avoided if Sebastian politely excused himself from the argument to smoke a little of the good shit in a bathroom stall. Instead of biting into a ho's hand, Sebastian would've wanted to bite into a piece of fried grease at KFC. And trust me, unless you're Vampireina Jolie or pepaw zombie Keef Richards, biting into fried grease is much more delicious than biting into human skin.

Rip the stoner hero cape (made from Burrito Supreme wrappers, In-N-Out tray liners and Pizzarias bags) off of Zach Galifankankfdnadkslf's shoulders, because he admits that the joint he took a hit of on Real Time wasn't stuffed with the green flowers from heaven's gardens. It was just cloves! Yes, CLOVES! That shit I can never find in my Hoarders-like kitchen cabinet when I'm trying to make a damn pie. Then I run out and buy some like an asshole only to find a full jar wedged in the back of my cabinet a few hours later. THAT SHIT! First, Prop 19 gets pounded down into a mound of unsmokeable shake, and now this!

This is what Bill Maher told Wolf Blitzer last night about Zach toking it up on his show:

“If it was a real joint, Wolf, I would have smoked it … I think it was cloves or something. Zach’s crazy, he’s not that crazy.”

But seriously, this is almost the same excuse I gave to the food delivery dude who stared at the Ziploc bag full of herb I had on the table. "Um....That's just a special kind of Oolong tea I buy at the herbalist. I have a cold, okay!"

via Entertainment Weekly

And a new stoner hero has emerged in a honey bear wearing a head wig (at least I think that's a wig)! While talking about legalizing the good shit in California on Real Time with Bill Maher last night, Zach Galifianakis lit up a fresh joint to show that smoking weed isn't a big deal and isn't going to instantly turn you into a Funyun-devouring sloth beast (that takes a few minutes to kick in). The Boo Boo Bear of stoners was gracious enough to pass his shit around, but everyone including Bill Maher took a pass.

At least I think that's a marijuana joint, but Zach could've been smoking the dick hairs that Mel Gibson ripped out of his own crotch when he found out he was fired from the Hangover 2. Or maybe that's what Zach's toupee is made out of.

Before we get to that, let's officially hand over a Photoshop Award to the artiste who overused the "Fun House Stretch Mirror" tool on Mary-Louise Parker for that picture above. I know Mary-Louise plays a pot dealer on TV, but that doesn't mean they should make her look like she's the size of a malnourished joint! It looks like you could hug her waist with a roach clip! This is some for real fuckery sponsored by Gumby. Okay, now that we've gotten that out of the way....

Even though Mary-Louise Parker is on a show where the official plant of Snoop Dogg's life is one of the main stars, she's usually the designated sober one at the party who rolls her eyes at all the stoners comparing the meaning of life to a Cool Ranch Dorito.

In an interview with Vanity Fair's Eric Spitznagel, MLP said that she's never felt a green cloud of magic leap around in her body, but she has licked on a lollipot before (tastes like Willie Nelson's pre-cum).

Wait, you don’t smoke marijuana, or you’ve never smoked it?
I’ve never smoked it.

Wow. That’s like finding out Tommy Chong never touched the stuff. I feel so betrayed.
I guess if it was going to happen, it would’ve happened when I was younger. But that was never an effective or interesting form of rebellion for me. Because everybody did it. Marijuana was just a social thing. It wasn’t dangerous or frowned upon. If I’d been popular in high school, I’m sure I would have wanted to do it. But I wasn’t.

So you didn’t smoke pot because nobody was offering it to you?
Oh no, it was definitely offered to me. All the time. I was hanging around a lot of musicians, so I definitely had access to drugs. It just never appealed to me. Everybody was doing it, and I didn’t want to be part of the crowd. There was no part of me that wanted to fit in.

You should do a P.S.A. You’ve almost convinced me that pot is boring.
Yeah, probably. But I’m not saying pot is a bad thing. I know plenty of people who should be smoking pot. I’m just not one of those people. I don’t think it would be the best drug for me. What am I going to do, start doing drugs at my age? It’s a little late. I’m a mother of two. It’s probably not the best idea for me to start getting into it now.

Well, I know a few mothers who still partake.
Yeah, I do too. They just wait until their kids are asleep. I don’t know, I guess marijuana just wasn’t made for me. It’s not like I haven’t tried.

Wait, back up. I thought you never smoked?
I didn’t smoke, it was a lollipop.

There is so much about that sentence I don’t understand.
O.K., here’s what happened. I was at a party, and I’d been kind of sick recently. I was in the hospital and on some really heavy antibiotics. But I went to this party anyway, and I was in the bathroom the whole night, on the floor. I was just so ill. Somebody at the party was like, “The only thing that’s going to help your nausea is marijuana.” And I’m like, “I don’t have any!” But then I remembered, somebody had given me a pot lollipop.

A lollipop made with THC?
Yeah. We did something about pot lollipops on Weeds. But those were props, obviously. Then somebody gave me some real ones. People give me pot all the time. I put them up in my closet, on the very, very top shelf, where I keep all my shoes, just so my kids wouldn’t find them. I don’t need that.

Why did you keep them at all?
I guess I thought … I don’t know. Maybe I’d have guests over to the house and they’d want to … ? I have no clue what I thought I was going to do with them.

You weren’t a little bit curious?
A little, yeah. My entire life, I never wanted anything to do with marijuana, but then it became a thing. You know what I mean? “I don’t smoke pot.” That was my thing. So when I was sick, I was like, “What the hell?” I was actually kind of excited about it. I was like, “Oh my god, I’m 45 and I’m having my first pot experience!” But it did nothing.

You didn’t feel high?
I didn’t feel anything! I mean, I still felt ill, but I didn’t get any of the happy effects you’re supposed to have. I don’t know, maybe the lollipops went bad? Does pot have an expiration date?

Are you sure you were doing it right? I wouldn’t even know what to do with a pot lollipop. Do you lick it or light it?
I licked it. But somebody told me that you need to eat it. Somebody quite famous who grows his own (Ed note: BLIND ITEM ALERT!), he told me I should be eating it. But at this point, I feel like “Why bother?” I gave it a shot, it didn’t work. I’m over it.

MLP also dropped an interesting fact. She said that people are always gifting her bountiful amounts of the good shit in all forms! Pot bouquets! Pot brownies! Pot lube! Pot everything! Since she doesn't touch the stuff, she just gives it to friends. And that wave of clicks you just heard was a million stoners sending a FB friend request to MLP. Bitch is like the Santy Claus of stoners!

via HuffPo

With a hair yarmulke on top of his head and touches of silver hanging onto his beard, George Michael strolled into the Highbury Corner Magistrates Court in London this morning to plead "Yup, I Fucked Up" to the charges that he drove while under the influence of weed. George was busted last month after his Range Rover violently assaulted a Snappy Snaps photo shop by busting into that bitch. The cops found George stoned as all fuck.

AP reports that George admitted to the judge that he had the good shit waltzing through his system at the time of the crash and he accepted all responsibility for his actions. The judge took George's tiny hand in his and then slapped it before suspending his drivers license for six months. The judge warned George that he could face time in the chokey if he's arrested again, "It is a serious matter. Your driving was extremely poor and there was an accident."

George barely got his drivers license back last year. It was snatched away from him in 2007 after he was found BROKE OFF, DOZED OFF behind the wheel of his car.

George and every single judge in the UK just need to come to the blatant realization that BITCH CAN'T DRIVE. Does George need Tai from Clueless to rise from the dead and tell him this to his face so he finally gets it? My sister, who once hit a parked car and made a left turn over a center divider, is a better driver than George and that's saying everything. George was meant to be a professional passenger, that's all. Run (don't drive) and tell that!

But George's day wasn't totally filled with misery and hand slaps. I mean, look at him mentally masturbating while surrounded by a trio of hot cops!

The Stoned Tongueler of Britain George Michael found himself in his second home, a pair of handcuffs, last month after his Range Rover crashed into a Snappy Snaps photo store in London. The police didn't charge George with anything until now. George will have to appear in front of the fancy-named Highbury Corner Magistrates Court on August 24th to answer to the charges of driving while unfit through drink or drugs and possession of cannabis.

George must be toking (typo and it stays right where it is) night classes at Pete Doherty's School of Reason, because he keeps getting caught with weed in his pockets. It's pretty simple. Just smoke that shit at home and whistle for a cab to take you around to pick up tricks. The cab driver won't mind. When the cabbie asks why the hustler is telling you it's 50 for a lay, just explain that he's a friend of the family who has schizophrenia and forgets who he is sometimes. You have to play along to get him into the car. That's what normal people do. DUH!

via Associated Press

Mischa Barton took a vacation from smoking joints in the parking lot of various L.A. clubs by smoking joints on a yacht in St. Tropez. That stoned bitch (feel the jealousy touch your eyes)!

Dressed like a slutty 1970s babysitter who sunbathes on the driveway while the kids drink bleach inside, Mischa lit up a rolled cigarette filled with dead leaves (a metaphor for her career?) and ignored all the job offers blowing up her Blackberry.

When Mischa's Ziploc baggie filled with the good shit goes dry, she should roll up those Huggies Diaper Jeans on her ass and smoke that fug shit. They have to be good for something.