Good Shit

If President Obama, Congress and all the Houses quit their jobs and handed all their power over to Tony Bennett, you'd soon be able to waltz into a Duane Reade to pick up a bottle of lube (not the Pimp Mama Kris-endorsed one), a bag of hot fries, a roll of toilet paper and a box of crack rocks. At Clive Davis' pre-Grammy gala, held at the same hotel where Whitney Houston passed away, Tony said that deaths of Amy Winehouse, Michael Jackson and Whitney might have not happened if all drugs were legal. Preach it, pepaw!

"First it was Michael Jackson, then Amy Winehouse, now, the magnificent Whitney Houston. I'd like every person in this room to campaign to legalize drugs.

Let's legalize drugs like they did in Amsterdam. No one's hiding or sneaking around corners to get it. They go to a doctor to get it."

The only shit I know about Amsterdam I learned from an episode of House Hunters International, but I'm pretty sure that only weed is legal there and they still have to buy their 8-balls from a sketchy dealer with stank breath in the dark part of an alley way like the rest of us. Also, Michael Jackson died of a prescription pill overdose and it's looking like Whitney didn't take any illegal drugs before she went up to star in Heaven's remake of Sparkle with Aaliyah. It is kind of bizarre that Xanax and Valium are completely legal, yet whenever my weed man comes to visit, I have to pat him down to make sure he's not wearing a wire tap. Actually, that's not why I pat him down. I pat him down because he lets me and it's pretty much the only kind of action I get.

Anyway, Pepaw Tony means well and some of what he says sort of makes sense if you think about how many billions are spent and how many people die from the war on drugs shit. But that's some shit for a different day. I think what Tony is really trying to say is that he wants to be able to buy a damn joint wherever he goes.

Here's a few pictures from Clive Davis' gala last night and let me predict the future by typing what you're going to think in about 5 seconds: What in the name of veiny titty balls was Kim Kardashian doing there?! Call me Miss Cleo.

In order: Toni Braxton, Rita Wilson & Tom Hanks, nobody, Glamberace, Amber Rose (no comment on those Klingon brows and gremlin lips), Diana Ross, a Diana Ross wannabe and Our Lady of Perpetual Cheetos.

Unless Khia announces that she's running for President on the Bust A Nut Party's ticket, my vote goes to Roseanne who is promising us a change we can smoke up! Roseanne officially announced on Twitter last night that she has filed all of the paperwork to run for President as a Green Party candidate. If the Four Horsemen, locusts, false prophets and dead fish are allowed to vote, Roseanne will become President in 2012 and she says that she will legalize the good shit in every state, wipe away everybody's credit card debts and give us a European-style healthcare system. Roseanne had me checking her name on the ballot at "legalize the good shit." But Roseanne's promises do sound like some crap you'd read on a 14-year-old's "If I Were President" essay.

This is the statement she released to E! News about her latest STUNT QUEEN move:

"I am pleased to announce that I am seeking the Green Party's nomination for President of these United States of America. The Democrats and Republicans have proven that they are servants—bought and paid for by the 1%—who are not doing what's in the best interest of the American people. As a long time supporter of the Green Party, I look forward to working with people who share my values. Behold the greening of America!"

Roseanne is made of pure crazy, doesn't make sense a lot of the time and would probably use her powers as President to become a billionaire by forcing us to eat macadamia nuts daily for the next four years. Bitch will fit right in with the other candidates! And I really hope that she chooses Crystal Conner as her running mate.

Warning to all music hos who can't travel on a tour bus without a jar of the good shit at your side, do not roll through Sierra Blanca, TX, because they will stop you, snatch your stuff and cut your buzz short by arresting your ass. They did it to Willie Nelson and they did it to Snoop Dogg over the weekend. FREE SNOOOOOP (or just free his stash and let all of us split it up amongst ourselves)!!!!

TMZ says that border patrol stopped Snoop's bus and ran a standard inspection with the help of a drug-sniffing dog. Of course, those dogs don't know any better, so they narced a bitch out and pointed police toward a trash can at the back of the bus. They found two joints (with about a half an ounce in them) stuffed into a prescription meds bottle. A DUH echoed through the state when Snoop admitted to the cops that the joints belonged to him. Snoop presented the cops with his medical marijuana license, but that shit is only valid in California and the cops shooed it away. They slapped Snoop with a citation for misdemeanor marijuana possession and released him. Snoop can either pay a $537 fine or challenge it in court.

Okay, I'm fucked with shock over the fact that he was caught with only half an ounce. A drop of Snoop's saliva has more than half an ounce of weed in it. Either one of Snoop's assistants will be butt queefing out weed buds for days to come or he was traveling light that day. And on another subject, where can I get one of those weed-sniffing pooches? I'm sick of going to my friend's house and getting a blank face after I ask if he's got anything. A weed-sniffing pooch would solve that! Besides, I've always wanted to say, "The dog's nose says it's in your ass."

Somewhere up in a smoke room in heaven, Bob Marley is toking with the angels to burn away the memory of Miley Cyrus blowing out her 19 birthday candles on a cake with his face on it. The Daily posted this video from Miley's birthday party last weekend of her telling her friends that "you know you’re a stoner when friends make you a Bob Marley cake — you know you smoke way too much fuckin’ weed.” Kelly Osbourne, who's in the video and makes a salvia joke, immediately jumped onto her Twatter after this video came out to defend Marijuana Montana:

let me make something very clear after @MileyCyrus salvia incident we started calling her bob miley as a JOKE! the cake was also

A JOKE! it makes me sick that @MileyCyrus so called 'friends' would sell her out and lead people 2 believe she is someone that she is not!

u guys if @MileyCyrus is not recording/filming/touring she is works everyday how could she possible do all that if she was a stoner! #think

If I was Miley Cyrus and had a dad who always gets caught fucking a box of Corn Pops in the family kitchen and a brother who always kicks me in the knees when I walk up behind him, I'd have a vaporizer permanently attached to my breathing holes. But Miley needs to keep her weed smoking ways to herself before she really ruins it for everyone. When Miley got caught smoking "salvia," prudish bitches called for a ban on it. So now thanks to this video, those same prudish bitches will fight the legalization of the good shit. They'll tell parents everywhere that if their snowflakes smoke weed, they'll brains will turn to molasses and their vocal cords will turn into a scratching post just like Miley! But Miley's not like that because she hits the bong. Miley's like that because Billy Ray took that extra swig of moonshine while conceiving her in the back alley of a Friendly's.

Miley really does ruin everything.

To echo TMZ's headline: Youuuuuu got arrested!

On the day that the DVD of his new movie comes out, the mutant secret hate child of a snail on meth and Ashy Larry was put into handcuffs and shuffled off to a police station in Temple, GA this morning after the cops found a "ton of weed" and $70,000 cash in the car he was riding in.

I was wondering why I was never born into a Georgia family, kept a clean record and graduated first in my class from the police academy. Now I know why. Because if I was the arresting officer, I would've "confiscated" the weed party and cash as "evidence." Then I'd put on my serious police officer voice and let Soulja Boy know that my "daughter" is a major "fan" of his "music," so I'm going to make his morning by "letting" him go this time with just a verbal "warning."

I would've delivered that line with so many winks and quotation fingers that Soulja Boy would've thought I was putting a black magic curse on him via a face seizure and he'd never speak of this again!

Soulja Boy and the 4 other dudes who were also arrested are currently sitting in a cell, waiting to be charged. You know, they should go ahead and keep Soulja Boy indefinitely for being an accessory to this act of wrong:

Tyra Sanchez (government name: James Ross), the winning queen of RuPaul's Drag Race 2, was cuffed and thrown into a jail cell in Gwinnett County, Georgia and it wasn't for stealing the crown from who really should've won that shit: Jujubee. The cops jailed Tyra after she got caught with a tiny bag of the heavenly weed flower that turns me into a hongray beast who thinks a bowl of Easy Mac and cheese popcorn is the most delicious thing to hit my tongue since peen. TMZ reports that Tyra got busted with less than an ounce of weed.

Tyra and her friend were driving along in a Chevy when they felt something heavy coming at them from behind. Tyra's friend, who was driving the car, was pulled over for having illegally tinted windows. When Tyra's friend rolled down the window, the cop's nostrils were filled with the scent of unsmoked weed. They checked the car and found the good shit. Tyra posted bail the next day and was released, but she still faces charges.

Let this be a lesson to Tyra to stashay away her weed better so the cops don't find it next time. From what I remember from Drag Race 2, Tyra's tuck game was never up to par, so I can't tell her to hide in there. But I will tell her that she needs to get herself a Lindsay Lohan Real Doll STAT. We should all hide our weed inside of a Lindsay Lohan Real Doll, because the cops won't ever check that bitch.

Justin Timberlake has dated a mega stoner who probably shits shake (see: Cameron Diaz) and has hinted in the past about how he's struck down with bong love, but now he's officially coming out of the hot boxin' closet as a proud stoner.

Justin confessed to Playboy Magazine that he allows the long tube of green smoke to fuck his throat gently, because it's his way of escaping his brain for a minute. Here's Justin on weed, internet gossip and the work of denim art he wore to the American Music Awards.

On if the internet is ever right about who he's giving his dick in a box to: “None of it’s true, so I shouldn’t even dignify it with an answer. The thing is, I’m not going to sacrifice my friendships with people who are my co-stars I meet in the business. I’m not going to avoid spending time with people because someone who doesn’t know me makes assumptions about what’s going on. That’s bullshit…My life is not on the internet.”

On why he keeps shit in the Hollywood family by only fucking on celebrities: “You probably gravitate toward people who understand your scenario. At the end of the day you just want someone who gets you, who can be a friend. That’s kind of the point of Friends with Benefits. As corny as it sounds, the ‘friends’ part counts just as much as the ‘benefits’ part, if not more.”

On if he was whoring it up during his N'Sync days: “I hate to disappoint you, but I was the youngest one in the group, so the other guys were getting more of that [girl] action, and they were protective of me…But yeah, the girl stuff definitely was a heavy part of it, and it would play with your mind. I remember looking down once – we were playing Madison Square Garden for an HBO special – and this girl put her arm out. She had a mural of me tattooed along her whole arm. I just remember looking at it and thinking, Holy sh*t, that’s never going to come off.”

On the denim suit that should earn him and Brit Brit a place in The Museum of YES: “God, I feel I’ve gone to therapy just to erase some of them. The cornrows I wore with ‘N Sync. That was pretty bad. Britney and I wore matching denim outfits [to the 2001 American Music Awards]. Yeah, another bad choice. I’d probably pay good money to get some of those pictures off the internet.”

On smoking pot: “Absolutely [I’m a pot smoker]…The only thing pot does for me is it gets me to stop thinking. Sometimes I have a brain that needs to be turned off. Some people are just better high.”

Justin isn't telling lies about the "some people are just better high" part. Some people are just better high and the people who aren't (aka the paranoids and nacho-hoarders), are better as seen through high eyes. And now you know that you're not the only one who tokes up to forget about Justin Timberlake, so does Justin Timberlake!

Paula Abdul must be embarrassed as all shit today. Not because Kara DioGuardi publicly admitted that she ate 6 pot brownies at her house. No, because Kara DioGuardi publicly admitted that eating 6 pot brownies put her in the emergency room. Paula Abdul has a reputation to uphold and just can't associate herself with a lightweight ho who almost died from eating pot! Lightweight bunny-toothed bitch! That's what Paula said. Not me.

On Lopez Tonight last night, Kara said that she was staying at Paula Abdul's house and "accidentally" ate 6 pot brownies in a row and didn't know they were pot brownies even though pot brownies taste just like pot brownies. Paula Abdul was on vacation at the time.

About six hours later, Kara said she fell out of bed and started going on a beautiful trip that most of us will pay good money for. Kara's stupid ass went on:

"There were these, little nuggets, little, you know, take six, not a lot. Six hours later I was like, 'heeeey, what's going on?' I fell out of bed, on the floor, I stumbled downstairs and I was like, 'I ate too much.' And the ambulance comes and is like, 'this bitch is as high as a kite.' I was hallucinating, I was on an IV. I stumbled out like junkie ... it was bad news!

I had six, I almost died."

That description pretty much sums up Paula Abdul on American Idol.

Kara covered Paula's ass by saying that the pot brownies were left by a friend after a party. I believe her. Paula doesn't fuck with that toddler shit. Pot brownies are for babies who can't hang! Paula only messes with OxyContin cakes and Adderall frosting.

But seriously, methinks that wasn't pot in those brownies. Me also thinks that Paula Abdul now knows where her chocolate LSD balls went.

via HuffPo

Last night this picture of Rupert Grint allegedly starring in a one-ginge version of The Sorcerer's Stoned (or Chambers of Sassafras, or Order of the Bong, etc...) at a Harry Potter cast party went around and some are saying it's a look-alike and others are adding this to the reasons why they get a heart-on for Ron Weasley. The Study of Rupert Grint's Facial Features class starts as the same time as my Sketching DanRad's Dick class, so I lack the expertise needed to make a qualified decision.

Either way, this picture is still a gift, because it has a mop of ginger, a bong and arm muscles that look like hard ass cheeks. At least, I see a pair of hard ass cheeks when I look at his arm muscles, but that could be the contact high typing.

Source: Stupid Celebrities via ONTD

Kate Hudson is currently 7 months knocked up and she says the experience is not unlike the haze your head goes through after sucking on a gigantic joint. Kate sounds high as all Marley so she might be on to something. While talking to Extra about her latest rom- om mess, Kate says that there's a good chance her unborn baby is hot boxin' in her womb and the smoke is traveling up to her head.

“Being pregnant is wonderful. You do get the pregnant mush-brain… you know what it’s like? It’s like getting stoned.”

If Kate meant getting stoned with actual stones would that make more sense? No, she totally meant her brain has been muddled with a mortar made of weed smoke, because she also explained to Entertainment Tonight (via UsWeekly) why she thinks she's having a girl: "So here's the pendulum test. You take a piece of your hair, and you take a ring… and you string it through--this is very witchy of me! And then what you do, is you hold it over your stomach. And then [if it moves in a] circle, [it's] a girl, and a boy goes back and forth."

Yup, stoned and stupid.

But really, Kate's lips needs to assume the STFU position! 2011 is already overflowing with BABIES!! and we don't need anymore. Thanks to her, Snoop Dogg is going to try to become a professional surrogate and Cameron Diaz will beat OctoMom's record by next year. Me, I'll stick with my bong, because it doesn't always spray me with a stream of dirty liquid when I change its bowl.