Good Shit

File this under: Well, that explains EVERYTHING now....

Cross file under: Pretend it's the 90s again and clutch your pearl to this news.

Jennifer Aniston and her hairstylist of forever Chris McMillan worked with a company on a new line of stuff for your hair and during a slobbery interview with WWD (via UsWeekly), he said that he was stoned into another dimension when he gave her the haircut that everyone's tia had to get in the 90s. Chris was stoned, the scissors were stoned, Aniston was stoned, they were all stoned.

And for the record, McMillan insists he was stoned when he created the oft-copied Rachel cut for Aniston in 1994. “I’m 14 years sober, so I feel safe enough to say that,” he said with a grin.

Well, I guess this means that God or Mother Nature or whoever the hell created the long-haired guinea pig was high as all hell when they created the long-haired guinea pig, because the long-haired guinea pig worked "The Rachel" long before Aniston did. And next up, I'm going to write about how Keri Russell's hairstylist was high on heroin when he chopped her hair off.

Here's Aniston and Chris McMillan at the launch of their new hair stuff in NYC the other day.

This might come as a shock to the zero of you who haven't seen that video of Miley Cyrus letting out a chipmunk cackle after sucking down a bong full of salvia smoke or haven't seen all the pictures of her swallowing a cloud of weed smog, but she likes to get high. Weed is to Miley as a Taco Party Pack for one is to Billy Ray Cyrus.

The trailer park Slytherin was hanging out with friends on her hotel balcony in Miami yesterday when the paps caught her smoking a blunt. Billy Ray would totally ground Miley for this, but then she'd probably take away the weekly allowance she pays him and then how would he buy his Taco Party Packs?!

But seriously, Miley's close friends and family should really stop her before shit really gets out of hand. They need to stage an intervention right away. They need to gather around her and calmly tell her that she's not only hurting those around her, but she's also hurting herself when she puts her hair in a top pony-tail like that! Loved ones don't let loved ones do themselves up like a derpy Bamm-Bamm Rubble.

That poor delicious blunt. It doesn't deserve to be sucked on by a trick who looks like a white sumo wrestler on meth.

While Anne Hathaway dresses up her Oscar in a tiny tuxedo to recreate Fred and Ginger's greatest dance scenes on the custom-made stage she had built where her kitchen used to be ("Who needs food, dahling, the thea-tuh is my protein!" - Anne Hathaway), Jennifer Lawrence is getting intimate with my husband, red wine, and my side piece, a joint, in Hawaii.

Jennifer Lawrence is in Hawaii to either reshoot scenes for The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (and taste the local good shit) or she's in Hawaii to just taste the local good shit. While she's doing that, a metal artisan is hollowing out her Oscar and turning it into a bong. This will be the greatest use for an Oscar until Tommy Girl wins one and has it turned into a...you know the rest.

Shia LaDouche was supposed to make his Broadway debut opposite Alec Baldwin and Tom Sturridge in the play Orphans, but he dropped out just a week into rehearsals and the old "creative differences" excuse was the reason given for why he quit that bitch. I figured that meant everybody was busy being creative while he was in the corner drunkenly punching a metal folding chair, because it told him his performance in Transformers was emotionally lacking. Others figured that Shia was fired because when he got into the same room as Alec, the asshole levels exploded and the 100-year-old bricks on the walls started to break and crumble. Those who figured that were right! I think.

A source told The New York Times that director Daniel Sullivan was worried about Shia's "performance choices" and had several talks with Shia and the producers about this before he decided that the role should be recast. Shita (typo and it stays) couldn't keep his mouth shut about this and he went a Twitter rampage last night, tweeting the e-mail he wrote to everyone involved in the production and then he posted everyone's responses. Shia's email was co-produced by his local weed dealer and Jack Daniels, because it is a rambling stream of melodramatic ridiculousness. If Game of Thrones was rebooted and set in 1940s Boston and written by a writer who claims he's the second coming of David Mamet, this is what one of the monologues would read like. This is some serious Valar Dohaeris shit and not in a good way:

“My dad was a drug dealer. He was a shit human. But he was a man. He taught me how to be a man. What I know of men, Alec is. A man is good at his job. Not his work, not his avocation, not his hobby. Not his career. His job. A man can look you up and down and figure some things out. Before you say a word, he makes you. From your suitcase, from your watch, from your posture. A man infers.

A man owns up. That’s why Mark McGwire is not a man. A man grasps his mistakes. He lays claim to who he is, and what he was, whether he likes them or not. Some mistakes, though, he lets pass if no one notices. Like dropping the steak in the dirt.

He does not rely on rationalizations or explanations. He doesn’t winnow, winnow, winnow until truths can be humbly categorized, or intellectualized, until behavior can be written off with an explanation. A man knows his tools and how to use them – just the ones he needs. Knows which saw is for what, how to find the stud. A man does not know everything. He doesn’t try. He likes what other men know. A man can tell you he was wrong. That he did wrong. That he planned to. He can tell you when he is lost. He can apologize, even if sometimes it’s just to put an end to the bickering. Alec, I’m sorry for my part of a dis-agreeable situation. - Shia.”

A man also knows how to wear out a fucking bong, apparently. What kind of pretentious foolery? Like dropping shit in my eyes. Even James Franco is like, "Hit the brakes, Shia!"

UPDATE: Shia LaDouche's "a man" monologue was pretty much a copy + paste job of this article from Esquire. Of course!

And here's Alec's response. It's best if you read this in Michael Caine's voice, because I'm pretty sure this is one of Alfred's speeches from Batman:

“I’ve been through this before. It’s been a while. And perhaps some of the particulars are different. But it comes down to the fact that what we all do now is critical. Perhaps especially fro you. When the change comes, how do we handle it, whether it be good or bad? What do we learn? I don’t have an unkind word to say about you. You have my word. – AB”

Shia responded with, "Same. Be well. Good luck on the play. You'll be great."

And Tom Sturridge responded with:

“Are you still here? I don’t really know what to write. I went in this afternoon and they were all there… producers, etc. I said my piece but they didn’t really listen. I don’t understand what has happened here. Maybe you have had a more enlightening conversation with someone by now. All I can say is that it truly was an honour to work with you even if it was only for a few days. I was stunned by the work you were doing, the performance you were giving. I think you lifted the play to a place high than maybe it even deserved to be. I hope this isn’t the last time we work together and I especially hope it isn’t the last time we see each other. Hope you’re ok brother – Tom”

I think what Tom really meant to write was, "Are you still here, because it sounds like the shit you're smoking is making your brain liquefy and leak out of the pores on your head and I'm going to need your dealer's number."

And finally, Daniel Sullivan responded with this:

“I’m too old for disagreeable situations. You’re on hell of a great actor. Alec is who he is. You are who you are. You two are incompatible. I should have known it. This one will haunt me. You tried to warn me. You said you were a different breed. I didn’t get it. – Dan“

Actor and theater people are so beyond weird. Why aren't all of us in the theater? You get to smoke a lot of drugs and write emails like you're a character in a superhero movie. "You tried to warn me! The change is coming! I should've listened! Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?"

And since we've gone this far, let's go all the way and let the foolery tip our chairs back until we fall on the floor. Here's Shia's audition video:

Because RiRi thinks she's the second coming of Bob Marley and a hero to all stoners, she Instagrammed a picture of the marijuana plant somebody gave her for National Single Awareness Day and added the note: "Roses are green! Somebody knows how to make me happy." You probably didn't read any of those words, because as soon as that picture loaded your mouth pulled your head toward the screen and you'll stay stuck there until the people who clean your office at night pry you off, Windex your screen and then put your mouth back on it.

Some people think that RiRi's bouquet from FTD's Willie Nelson collection came from Chris Brown. If it did, then RiRi must've found later that her marijuana plant was actually a bushel of funny-looking oregano, because they both showed up to Playhouse in Hollywood last night and she treated him like he was Frank Ocean and she was him. RiRi sat far away from him and kept throwing her stank face at him. Some witness type said this to UsWeekly:

"[They were] not at all on speaking terms. She refused to sit with or even near him. When she noticed he was there, she made a huge show of rubbing her presence in his face."

Please tell me that "rubbing her presence in his face" is just a really polite way of saying that she threw her dirty tampon at his face or dropped a queef bomb in his piña colada. But really, this is just The Difficult Brown and RiRi being The Difficult Brown and RiRi. You know, he tries to kill her, they kiss, they make up, he tries to kill her again, they kiss, they make up, etc... That's just them.

It's pretty obvious that The Difficult Brown is the one who gave her that beautiful gift, because he knows that marijuana reduces the intensity of pain. That is SO caring of him.

And here's some extremely riveting pictures of RiRi going to another club last night.

The paparazzo who was killed while trying to take pictures of The Lesbeaver was supposedly stalking his ass all day, because the pap was told that the Canadian Baby Jesus is hooked on that good shit and he wanted the first pictures of Justin getting high. Well, a day after the paparazzo was killed, somebody did get pictures of Justin Bieber sucking on a blunt. Our little Canadian Baby Jesus is growing up, because he's traded his pacifier and bottle for a Corona and a blunt, and TMZ posted the proof last night.

On January 2nd, the Biebs and his best friend 4eva Lil Twist, who was driving Justin's Ferrari at the time the paparazzo was ran over, smoked up at a hotel in Newport Beach, CA. TMZ's source says that Lil Twist and his brother rolled up the party favors and passed them to everyone in the room. Everyone in that hotel room knows what it's like to get dutch oven'ed by Willie Nelson, because the room quickly filled up with pot smoke. Justin's security guards were in the room, but they must've been too busy trying to inhale the air, because they didn't care that people were taking pictures of the chosen one swallowing clouds of weed smoke. Justin sort of responded to the pics on Twitter and he was probably still high when he did it, because he let out some deep words of wisdom that only a stoner would let out after taking twenty too many bong hits:

"everyday growing and learning. trying to be better. u get knocked down, u get up."

I know, an 18-year-old smoking weed is just one big "....AND?"

Justin doesn't need to explain anything, because obviously he only uses the good shit for medicinal purposes. I mean, menstrual cramps are a bitch!

Brad Pitt is promoting his new movie Killing Them Softly (Side note: I think I just read your mind and I think you just wished Killing Them Softly was a Fugees biopic. I do too.) and that means it's about that time for every damn reporter to ask him about weed and marrying St. Angie Jo. In every reporter's defense, it's kind of hard to NOT ask Brad Pitt about the good shit when he's sitting there looking like he just peeled himself off of a pleather couch after being knocked out in a marijuana-induced Funyuns coma for 20 hours. Dude looks like he has just enough energy to hold and operate a BIC lighter while taking a bong hit. You don't know how many times I wished that I had BIC lighters for fingers.

People says that at last night's NYC premiere of Killing Them Softly, one reporter asked Brad if he's going to become Angie Jo's third husband anytime soon and he said this:

"I am getting more pressure from my kids, and it is something I want to do within their lifetime, but I also feel like the time has come. The time is nigh. It's soon. I got a good feeling about it."

Um, bitch, that good feeling you've got is called "You HIGH!" That good feeling was a Taco Bell-produced fart bubble slowly slipping out of his ass. But you know, the "good feeling" you get about getting married soon probably feels a lot like the "good feeling" you get when a fart bubble is about to fall out of your ass to join the air.

And Brad really did say, "The time is nigh." Now we know that both Bill & Ted were based on Brad Pitt.

MTV News (via Towleroad) asked Brad about gay marriage and legalizing the good shit and he said that he doesn't understand why the two are always linked in the media (???):

"Equality, absolutely, that's what defines us. It's what makes us great. If it doesn't sit well with your religion, let your God sort it out in the end, but that's us. We're equal....I do believe that we should be responsible for our own choices in talking about the drug laws, and that the drug war is an ultimate failure and that the billions and billions of dollars that we've committed to it, there's got to be a better way. I don't believe in incarceration over education — don't get me started. But there's real damage to drugs; that is not the same as with gay marriage. Since the last round [of elections], they've been linked in every article. I find that curious."

And now we know that Brad Pitt is all for me marrying Anderson Cooper in every state while wearing a smokable tuxedo made of legal weed buds. Now that we've gotten that out of the way, again, reporters should finally ask him if he knows how Benicio Del Toro and Jeff Bridges feel about him looking like their broken condom love child.

Musicians carrying any form of the good shit on their tour bus need to be like Louise from Thelma & Louise and not drive through Texas, because doing so could completely mess up their high. Fiona Apple obviously didn't learn from Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson, because last night she was busted in Sierra Blanco, the same TX town where Snoop and Willie were busted in, for having hash on her bus. Fiona's tour bus was stopped during an inspection checkpoint and when the sweet scent of a Bob Marley fart filled the cops' nostrils, they checked the bus and the party was over.

TMZ says that Fiona only had a little bit of hash, but they still put her in handcuffs, dragged her to jail and made her pose in front of the mug shot camera while she made the same face I'd make if someone just snatched my stash. For some reason, Fiona is still sitting in a cell right now.

Never mind that when Fiona was being put into a cuffs, drug dealers driving a van stuffed with 50 kilos of coke probably drove by, what in "Wednesday Addams working at a Footlocker" hell is she wearing? The cops aren't right for ruining Fiona's buzz and they really aren't right for letting homegirl get her picture taken looking like that.

Well, here's some sad news that'll give you a reason to sorrowfully pour your mouth on a bong and inhale until you start to fart out weed smoke. During an interview on CNN with Don Lemon (via HuffPo) last night, Tommy Chong said that he was diagnosed with prostate cancer about a month ago and it's currently in a "slow stage one."

Tommy did nine months in the Taft Correctional Institution 8 years ago for selling bongs and thinks being locked up in there ruined his health. Tommy says the prison sits on a toxic waste dump and eating the food gave him gout. Tommy went on to tell Don that his health got even worse during his three-year break form the bong. According to Tommy, the good shit didn't cause his cancer, but it's going to cure it.

"I've got prostate cancer, and I'm treating it with hemp oil, with cannabis. So [legalizing marijuana] means a lot more to me than just being able to smoke a joint without being arrested.

I know [the cancer] had nothing to do with cannabis. Cannabis is a cure."

I'm not fucking Dr. Quinn, so I don't know if weed alone is going to magically cure Tommy's cancer (probably not). But what I've learned from Tommy is to not take a three-year break from the bong and to get as many prostate checks as possible (wink wink). Oh, and I'm totally going to use hemp oil as butt lube from now on.

Robin Thicke has broken the celebrity tradition of getting busted in Texas for smoking the good shit by getting busted NYC for smoking the good shit. Robin was singeing the velvet fibers on his throat with weed smoke while sitting in his Escalade when the cops ruined his party. A source tells the NYDN that Robin wasn't in the drivers seat of the Escalade that was parked on 21st Street near 3rd Avenue when the cops saw his lips around a joint. There was another person in the car, but only Robin was arrested and charged with marijuana possession. Dr. Seaver is going to get his ass for this foolery!

A police source said that Robin was cooperative and even signed a few autographs for the cops. Robin's weed was taken by the cops before he was given a ticket and released.

Robin Thicke is a stupid bitch for openly smoking a joint outside of the city limits of Vancouver or Amsterdam, but that said, I didn't think cops in NYC cared about shit like that. Three out of four blocks in my neighborhood have the scent of weed mixed in with the usual scent of dirty dentures, trash water and piss.

It's stories like this that are the reason why it's best to get your weed on at home. You don't have to worry about cops ruining your good time and you also don't have to worry about getting judgmental glares from strangers when you're so stoned that all you can do is slowly fap yourself. I know, this city is such a fun killer. New PRUDE City is more like it.