Page Six says that the Duke of Douches, James Franco, might be rubbing his nipples all over the Mother of Dragons, Emilia Clarke, from Game of Thrones. I wonder how Emilia Clarke feels about doing a dude whose lip liner game beats hers? And I wonder how James Franco feels about doing a chick whose eyebrow situation beats his? When James isn't painting an abstract on Emilia's crotch with his paint brush peen, she can help him to elevate his eyebrow game and he can help her to elevate her lip liner game.
Some witness type says that James and Emilia got all close at the Frieze art fair on Randalls Island in Manhattan on Saturday afternoon. The witness says that they were talking and flirting and "were looking quite friendly!”
Emilia Clarke's last fuck buddy was Seth MacFarlane, so I'm sensing a theme here... Either the number one item on Emilia's cum bucket list is to spin her cooch on the biggest douches in Hollywood or the number one item on Emilia's cum bucket list is to spin her cooch on every past Oscar host. Whoopi Goldberg, lube up, bitch, because you could be next!
I hope you have a Baby Wipe or wet nap near you, because Marilyn Manson definitely left a lip stick (shade: pre-period surprise) stain on your monitor. Wearing less paint on his face than your average Kardashian, Marilyn Manson pulled himself out of his Hot Topic-brand bedroom coffin to pose at the Hollywood premiere of Spring Breakers last night. Because of that white flour on his face and that dark red lipstick, Marilyn looks like an uncooked, deconstructed black cherry pie that dried out from sitting on the counter so long.
Marilyn brought his latest piece Lindsay Usich who sort of looks like a Taylor Armstrong wax figure that was put together using parts from a Lana Del Rey wax figure and a Molly Ringwald wax figure. Obviously, Marilyn and his piece were the hottest couple there even though Ashley Benson and James Franco tried to claim that title with their STUNT QUEEN whispering on the red carpet. I don't know if Selena Gomez is smirking, because she can't with that public display or stuntin' or because she remembered that she once dated Justin Bieber.
Here's a few more pictures from last night's premiere of the movie version of a cum-stained Body Glove tank top. In order: MM with his piece, the cast, James Franco, Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens with the ATL Twins and Ashley Benson.
The fame whoring leg move died the day after St. Angie Jo did it at the Oscars and then it woke up and quickly died again when JLo did it, and now it's definitely covered with grave dirt, because Michelle Williams has ended the trend by bringing us a new trend. At the Hollywood premiere of Oz: The Great and Powerful (which sadly isn't about Dr. Oz's eternal search for the perfect banana-shaped shit) last night, Michelle Williams wore a dress that was business in the front and party on the side.
Michelle wore some Prada window panel covered with mirrored flowers and when she turned to the side, she gave hos a peak of her memaw chonies. This works for me, because she can squat a piss out almost anywhere with ease and because you should always look like you're ready for a pool party. I had this friend in high school who wore a bikini under every damn outfit during the summer, because she always wanted to be ready to tan at a moment's notice. Or maybe she was an underage on-call stripper and needed to wear her uniform underneath her clothes at all times. That's possible.
So the side thigh is officially in. Everybody grab your skirts, dresses, pants, culottes, whatever and slit the side of that shit so your side thigh is always showing. I want to see all the side thighs.
Obviously, Mila Kunis, Rachel Weisz and James Franco didn't get the memo, because they kept their side thighs to themselves last night. But James Franco did float into the premiere on a balloon that was filled with more hot air than him. That's an accomplishment!
That shouldn't surprise anybody. How do you think he got his first role? It made him a star! James Franco is naturally talented at so many things (examples: inducing the dry heaves with just a few words, inducing the dry heaves with his art, inducing the faps by taking off his shirt [I'm disgustingly easy]), but his biggest natural talent of all his natural talents is that he can deep throat like his last name's Travolta. So if James Franco's careers as a movie star, writer, artist, director, soap star, producer, gay messiah and pop culture savior don't work out, he can be a professional deep throater.
Details says that in Spring Breakers, James Franco gives a beej to a pistol and goes all the way down it. They bring this up during their interview with him and also bring up James Franco's beej scene in his movie The Broken Tower. If you want to make a "not impressed," face then click on this NSFW link to see James Franco put his deep throat skills to work on a dildo.
In the first of several three-ways, Franco performs some very impressive deep throat on two of his character's pistols after the girls turn the tables on him and shove them in his mouth.
"Most people can't get past that gag reflex at the back of the throat," I say.
"Guess I'm a natural," he says with a laugh. "It was my first time."
"So that wasn't you in Broken Tower?"
"Oh shit, you're right!" Franco's eyes light up. "It wasn't my first time."
"You're known for going the extra mile, but that was, what, a good eight inches?"
He gives me a get-real look. "That was a dildo." Then he turns that look back on himself, and I see the real James Franco: "If I'd had the guts, it woulda been real."
"If I'd have the guts..." Now, you know that's a lie and you know James' breath smelled like sweaty dick when he said it. James Franco is method all the way, so I'm sure he's gone down on the real thing for research (for research!). I'm also sure that he can't deep throat worth a shit. James look like one of those types who starts heaving like a cat hacking up a hairball when he barely puts the tip in his mouth. He's got "lightweight peen sucker" written all over his face.
Yahoo! News asked several important and highly-esteemed poets to write a poem for Inauguration Day and so of course they asked James Franco since he is the most important poet of all important poets. James' poem is called "Obama in Asheville" and after reading that shitty mess of a poem, I learned that he knows how to look up stuff on Wikipedia, has a friend name Frank and the people who work at the little burrito place by his school knows who he is. This poem makes Rosie O'Donnell look like the reincarnation of Keats. I mean, the lyrics to a Ke$hit song are more profound.
There's also a video of a probably stoned James Franco reciting his important work of poetry in a monotone voice while lying on his bed. It's about as exciting as jacking off a soft dick. I didn't embed the video here, because I care about you too much. It auto-plays and if you were forced to go into work on MLK Day, then your day already sucks and I don't need to make it worse. You can read James' entire poem here, but I've thrown up the best (read: shittiest) part below:
I met Obama once, in D.C., the Correspondents’ Dinner.
I was the guest of Vanity Fair, guided through D.C. by the wife
Of Christopher Hitchens, when he was alive. We went to Hitch’s place,
He had books from floor to ceiling, and said he had read
To Borges, when he was blind, Old Icelandic Eddas—
Then we waited in a private room with the likes of Tom Cruise,
And Katie Holmes, and Claire Danes. When Obama entered
The crowd converged. Finally, I got to shake his hand,
He knew me from Spider-Man.
Then I went to the men's room. Then I unzipped my trousers. Then I masturbated into a urinal. Then I noticed Joe Biden giving me a thumbs up. I think he knew me from Spider-Man. Then I left. I didn't wash my hands. I sat down at my table. I ate a roll.
My thoughts about James' poem are best expressed through this GIF of Sasha Obama yawning during her dad's speech today:
After months of hearing about this mess and seeing pictures of this mess, there's finally a mess of a trailer for this mess. You might want to get yourself a Dixie cup full of Listerine before you hit play on the Spring Breakers trailer, because watching it will leave a taste of dark tanning oil, chlorine, watered down Jäger, Mountain Dew Amp and dirty foreskin grease in your mouth.
Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Benson are trying to scrub the Disney from their images by playing Girls Gone Wild-like skanks who rob a store to fund their spring break. Then after they get caught and make an appearance in court in their bikinis, they meet a gold-toothed, dick cheese-having James Franco who looks and acts like what you would get if you fed Four Loko to a Mogwai after midnight. The rest of the trailer plays out like something straight out of Brit Brit and KFed's old home movies.
Well, if this mess flops, the producers can always sell it as a commercial to Florida's Tourism Board. And Demi Moore should call her lawyers now, because the phrase "Spring break forever, bitches!" is her official life motto and I'm pretty sure she trademarked that shit.
Justin Bieber + James Franco + KMart wigs + a corporate apartment + extra large dentures + too much free time + an on-call weed man + everything in the medicine cabinet + a pink napkin over a flashlight = THIS MESS RIGHT THERE.
James Franco uploaded (and then deleted) a video to his WhoSay page of him, his rumored fuck piece Ashley Benson and some dude grinding and simulating dog sex to Justin Bieber's "Boyfriend." This is James Franco on James Franco and it's also the worst and scariest installment of Paranormal Activity ever. Before you say that James Franco is getting way too old for this shit, I'll have you know that HIGH ART knows no age. (But seriously, James Franco is getting way too old for this shit and shouldn't he be studying to get his 89th degree in whatever, or something?)
via Just Jared
The next three Star Wars movies will be shot in somebody's garage and all the costumes will be made of cardboard and empty Mountain Dew cans, because Disney put all their money and more into the Wizard of Oz prequel, Oz: The Great and Powerful. Disney released the first full trailer for it this morning.
My abuelita had this moving waterfall painting in her bedroom that came alive when you plugged it in. The entire painting lit up, the waterfall moved, birds chirped and the rainbow over the water glowed. It was more real-looking and awe-inspiring than anything in the Oz: The Great and Powerful trailer. I know it's not supposed to look like real life, but damn. If they were going to use this much CGI, they should've used some CGI magic to make James Franco look anything but smug. I know, I'm just saying that because I'm jealous of the fact that Franco is an award-winning blogger.
Oz: The Great and Powerful is basically just a damage control piece, because they want us to believe that before the Wizard was a cranky, old, assholian bitch, he was a good man who wanted to do great things. Please, the Wizard of Oz was born a straight-up bitch and Disney can't convince me otherwise.
All shade aside, this doesn't look as awful as I thought it was going to look. It looks like the perfect movie to get stoned to (but what isn't?). My only real problem is that somebody needs to give Michelle Williams a hug or some TUMS already. Girl always looks like she's either got bad indigestion or she just watched the last part of Where the Red Fern Grows. Or maybe Michelle is just on the verge of letting out a stream of happy tears, because she can't believe that she's acting opposite the greatest artist in the world: James Franco.
Licking a mirror while sticking his peen in a Fleshlight modeled after his own asshole sometimes gets boring for James Franco, so he finds himself a human who will lick his face in between telling him that he's the most important thing to happen to the art world since Thomas Kinkade. Page Six says that 34-year-old James Franco is using his paintbrush peen to paint the portrait of love all over the cooch belonging to 22-year-old Ashley Benson, who's in Pretty Little Liars and who acted with him in that Spring Breakers mess.
Page Six says that James created the performance art piece "Artist and Muse, No. 23" by holding hands with Ashley in NYC's Washington Square Park earlier this month. Then in L.A. last week, James created the piece "BOO: A Love Story" by going on a haunted hayride with Ashley. Some source says, "They have been seeing each other for a little over a month, but things are going well.”
In between acting, writing, making music, taking every film course at every university and fapping out enough Franco cream to make a life-size cum sculpture of himself, I don't know how James finds the time to get on Ashley Benson. But lucky for her, he has found the time, because every girl longs to hear her piece say, "I'm going to make your pussy graduate with a PhD by sticking my diploma rod in it," while he's humping her.