Why Are You Pulling My Dick?

Lindsay Lohan shot an interview with Matt Lauer for Today this morning (it airs Thursday) to promote her SNL shit this weekend, her ruining of Elizabeth Taylor's image and her devotion to delusion, because she mouth farted out the same shit she said last year. Last year, LiLo told Matt that she was completely keeping her nostrils clean of the bad shit and was on her way to giving mouth-to-mouth to her ravaged carcass of a career. We all know how that turned out. This time, LiLo told Matt that she was totally talking out of her crack hole last year and she now knows she has to prove herself by not acting like a crack bag of fuck ups. As you mutter to yourself "actions fart louder than words" over again, read what LiLo had to say this time:

On if she was high on denial during her last interview: "Definitely and I think it was -- it's a scary thing to have to kind of express to people ... I wasn't as comfortable with myself then. I think it was a fear factor that I had about what was really going on. And, you know, I had to get that wakeup call."

On her party monster ways: "That's not my thing anymore. I went out, actually, a few months ago with a friend. And I was so uncomfortable. Not because I felt tempted, just because it was just the same thing that it always was before. And it just wasn't fun for me. I've become more of a homebody. And I like that."

On if whether or not the industry is at a point where they can trust her to show up on time and do the job: "I think that that's gonna take -- I think that takes time. And I think that it's actions. Because people can say things all they want, but I think I still need to go through the process of proving myself, you know, with 'SNL,' being on time, being, you know, keeping my -- can't say the word -- but stuff together."

On how the dirt in Elizabeth Taylor's grave will get a good mulching from all the rolling: "We're in the middle of casting and figuring -- we start production soon. I've been doing tons of research. But I've always kind of researched her. She's always been a fascinating woman to me. So I'm really honored. And I will not let anyone down, especially myself."

On how she hopes SNL will show directors and producers that they don't have to be afraid of investing in her ass anymore: "I don't want people to have that reason to be scared anymore. So being able to have this opportunity with 'SNL' and the film, I'm gonna do what I'm supposed to do, and enjoy doing it, and do it as best as I can."

Yes, LiLo is the epitome of a homebody and she's always sipping chamomile tea on her loveseat while watching G-rated Hallmark Hall of Fame movies in her footie pajamas. Just like she did this past weekend, and last week, and a couple of weeks before that. But then again, the bar is her home, so it's not like she's lying.

LiLo's whole "I'M A CHANGED CRACKIE" shit reminds me of the story I told on Twitter this past weekend. I was at a bar that was cash only and all I had was $5 on me. So I had to run to the ATM to get booze money and on my way back I run into this nearly toothless dude who could've been homeless. I was already vulnerable, because I was only 3/4th drunk and needed my drank bad. I kind of nodded as he told me that he's a recovering (unintelligible) and that he needs money to get back to his family in (unintelligible). My smallest bill was the $5, so I handed it to him. He said, "I only asked you for a $1 and you gave me $5." He sort of stared at me blankly for a second and I expected him to throw a thanks at me or maybe hug me. I don't know. I just knew I had a delicious cup of the sweet nectar waiting for me and wanted to get out of there. That's when this ho knocked me in the face with some audacity and said, "You know what would really make this $5 better? Another $5." That bold bitch motherfucker. Who the hell says that shit? I should've snatched that $5 back and then told @lindsaylohan to come and get her relative on the corner of 22nd and 8th.

Here's LiLo in NYC last night looking like a greasy weave ball caught in a shower drain. Come to think of it, that homeless dude was carrying an orange Birkin bag...

K-Wellfed tells the Herald Sun that he wants his Cheetolings to grow up to be normal people and he'll make sure they know the value of a dollar by forcing them to get jobs at McDonald's. Working at pizza place as a teen made KFed the unemployed, failed rapper, gold digger he is today.

"I'll have them working at Micky D's. That's how we had to do it! I worked at a car wash, I worked at a pizza place. Things like that made me. I can be in this business now and I'm still the same person I am back then, because I know what I want out of life and how to treat people."

Oh, please. KFed is popozaoing out a whole lot of shit. KFed is going to make the Cheetolings work at McDonald's, because his ass just wants free Quarter Pounders. Actually, that's a really good reason. When Brit Brit stops sending KFed a check, somebody's going to have to feed him, because he's sure as hell not going to do it himself.

Just like Charlize Theron and Christina Hendricks before her, prolific philosopher and fully functional mannequin Megan Fox claims that she was never labeled as "pretty" in high school and was a total loner. This would make sense to me if Megan also told us that she was home schooled and her only classmate was the most beautiful earth angel in the world Shauna Sand.

As you can see from Megan's high school picture above, she was a real ugly stick victim and any one of us would've called her Megan Dog as she went to eat her mayonnaise sandwich in the bathroom. Here's what Megan told Miami Magazine (via UsWeekly) about her unpretty days in high school:

I was never the pretty girl," the actress tells the March issue of MIAMI Magazine. Describing her teenage self as "abrasive" and "obnoxious," Fox, 25, says she felt like a "loner" growing up.

This ho right here needed to walk three steps in my British Knights to know what it really feels like to be voted Most Likely To Get A Job As Dr. Frankenstein's Doorman by your entire class. I can't feel a sowwy for Megan when in junior high school I had a pube bush on my head, dumbo ass ears and some jacked up teeth. I might have told this story before (since I have the memory of a dead fish and always repeat stories), but my history teacher once told the class that she was the ugliest girl in school. She said that she had a curly afro, glasses, dumbo ears and braces. Scan to me sitting in the middle of the classroom with a curly afro, glasses, dumbo ears and braces. That bitch. When the kids weren't calling me Michael Gay, they were calling me elephag. So I just can't with Megan.

I'm looking at Megan's yearbook picture and I see nothing unpretty about it. Megan's lip gloss is popping me in the eyes and those brows could easily win valedictorian of eyebrow situations. I don't know how Megan said that with a straight face. Oh wait, I know the answer to that. Megan said it with a straight face, because she can't move her face anymore.

Adam Levine and his creature of elegance girlfriend Anne V were both on Howard Stern yesterday morning and in between talking about whether or not Snookitina is chunkalicious, he educated the children on his fool-proof birth control method. Adam obviously gets his birth control method tips from drunk frat boys, high school douchebags and coked-up investment bankers, because he says that the secret to not knocking a ho up is pulling out before the jizz hits the ovary. YES, the tried and true pull-out method. The same method that is the reason why most of us are here now! THIS BITCH:

“This is the longest, most functional relationship I’ve ever been in, I don’t want to screw it up. [I use] a fool-proof birth-control system, [the pull-out method].”

Adam has a tattoo of an eagle spitting out a happy trail on his torso, but I still don't think bitch is this stupid. Dude was just telling jokes. Adam doesn't only use the pull-out method. This is Adam's true dumb-proof birth control method: Milliseconds after Adam drops a dollop of jizz in Anne's V, he pulls out, gets on his knees and softly whisper into her coochie, "Make way for Adam Levine's fetus fishes..." Anne's ovaries shut in half and hide behind her uterus until the coast is clear. They're not trying to procreate with Adam Levine.

And before your brain spits out images of Adam making a cum pool in Anne's belly button, he says that he usually jizzes in towels. It's easy cleanup and if he's in a hotel, he just leaves it on the floor for the housekeeper to clean up. Nasty cotton fucker! Why do I have a feeling that on an upcoming episode of My Strange Addiction, we're going to learn all about Ryan Seacrest's addiction to eating hotel towels.

via The Frisky

So this is the real reason why Adele had that throat surgery. Adele was moaning and throating in the deeeeeep. France's well-respected and highly esteemed literary journal of le truth, Public Magazine, published an EXLUSIF! story about a tape featuring two hundred-time Grammy winner Adele setting fire to her loins on the peen of an ex-boyfriend. 411mania says that the ex-boyfriend (maybe the one who looks Jesse Camp trying to reinvent himself as a Jimi Hendrix impersonator) wants to fuck with Adele for some reason and so he's doing so by releasing a video of him fucking on her. The scorned ex sold the tape to a French paparazzo type named Jean Claude Elfassi who will release the tape any day now. I'll be really disappointed if Jean Claude doesn't use one of these as the title for this shit:

Rolling On The Peen
Cooter Has It
Set Fire To The Taint
Hometown Whory
Someone Like You Needs To Get On This Poon
Take It All

I know, none of those worthy enough for an Adele fuck tape and I'm sure your ass can do better.

Anyway, America's own well-respected and highly esteemed internet journal of truth, Media Takeout, has a couple of stills of Adele allegedly getting adicked in front of a video camera and those tragic sperm fish eyebrows tell me that it's not her. Not only that, but would Adele really let a trick film her getting down in the backseat of a car? I know Adele is a refined lady, but I don't think she's that much of a refined lady. But if this is her, then I'm sure that around this time next year, we'll watch as she accepts five hundred more Grammys for Best Fuck Moan and Best Coochie Queef in a sex tape.

UPDATE: Thanks to Amanda for directing my eyes to a beyond NSFW (and the link will take you to pop-up city so beware) old porn where Public Magazine obviously got their stills from. The chick in the tape is American and when she moans, it doesn't sound like a mezzo soprano songbird humming into a rainbow. It's not Adele.

Human vodka bag Chelsea Handler has spit out a lot of shit about the Falcor/Lamb Chop hybrid that is LeAnn Rimes, but the latter decided to be the bigger person by going on the former's show. And by "bigger person" I mean that LeAnn is a fame whore in the truest sense of the phrase and will gladly look past someone's obvious hate for her if there's a TV camera involved.

LeAnn said that all the shit Chelsea talked about her actually helped her through her divorce, because she was able to laugh at Chelsea laughing at her. Uh huh. There's dick pull #1 from LeAnn. Dick pull #2 came when LeAnn said her skinny ass body happened naturally. LeAnn was a fat kid and as she grew up the fat magically melted off revealing the grown up skeleton of a War Hose underneath. Uh huh. Finally, dick pull #3 came when LeAnn admitted to calling the paps once in a while, but says that they mostly just show up by themselves and it's a thorn in her bony side:

LR: They just follow us everywhere. It's quite annoying. Yes. I get annoyed with myself, to be honest.

CH: That's good to hear. That's refreshing. People want to know that. Now do you know when you're getting your photograph taken. Some people would say that you set the photographs up. Some girls do that. Have you ever done that?

LR: I have actually set a photograph up to get people to leave me alone. Once the photographs are taken then they're done. It's not something that you go do often..... The really really freaky things... Like we'll set photographs up for our wedding so we know everything's taken care of and it's going to be done the way we want to do it.

CH: Like pictures don't get out that you don't want to get out. Private photos. This is a good lesson in paparazzi.

LR: True. But yeah, certain ones where I'm like picking a wedgie out of my butt in a bathing suit. I definitely didn't set that up.

If only this bitch could pull her eyelids out of the squint position to clearly see all of us rolling our eyes at this. Like any of us are buying this shit. I mean, somewhere there's a crumpled up piece of paper in a paparazzo's pocket that has GPS coordinates written on it over a note that reads: "At exactly 14:00, I will pick a wedgie out of my butt in a bathing suit. Get that in hi-res. It will be perfect for The National Enquirer's annual Beach Bloopers cover."

Click here to see LeAnn on Chelsea if you care. And here's Mr. & Mrs. Squint at a pre-Grammy party last night.

But before we get into Kunty Karl's sorry excuse for a sorry, let's all read his original comment so we're all clear. Metro, where Karl was guest editor that day, asked him what he thinks about Lana Del Rey. This is what Metro published:

"I prefer Adele and Florence Welch. But as a modern singer she is not bad. The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice. Lana del Rey is not bad at all. She looks very much like a modern-time singer. In her photos she is beautiful. Is she a construct with all her implants? She's not alone with implants."

Karl pretty much called Adele a butterbody and everybody read it that way. But after everybody threw shit balls at Karl over that comment, he suddenly grew a heart even though we all know his maker ripped out of his heart in an alley way in Transylvania a thousand years ago.

Karl has returned to the scene of the crime, Metro, and said that his comment was taken out of context:

“I’d like to say to Adele that I am your biggest admirer. Sometimes when you take a sentence out of the article it changes the meaning of the thought. What I said was in relation to Lana Del Rey and the sentence has since been taken out of context from how it was originally published. I actually prefer Adele, she is my favorite singer and I am a great admirer of her. I lost over 30 kilos over 10 years ago and have kept it off. I know how it feels when the press is mean to you in regards to your appearance. Adele is a beautiful girl. She is the best. And I can’t wait for her next CD.”

Ghoul, please. Put it into context or take it out of context, it means the same thing. I know Kunty Karl has 500+ years on all of us (not counting those years during World War II where his cryogenically frozen body was kept in an underground tomb in Austria somewhere), but he needs to stop acting like we were born yesterday. Even newborns who were born yesterday know that his apology is made of shit. I don't even know why Karl cares in the first place. Since when does the Dark Lord of the Undead respond to human emotions? If Kunty Karl is going to start caring about human feelings, then there's really no hope for cuntkind. I'll have to start calling him Karing Karl. The end of days, indeed.

...And she's so annoyed by it that she brought it up again.

The human mutation of Cathy is out selling that Wanderlust movie, which looks to me like the brain dead "didn't pull out in time" baby of Flirting with Disaster and Wet Hot American Summer, and you know what that means? It's that time again when Jennifer adds fuel to the fire by bringing up Brangelina to sell her damn movie. After posing for a bunch of pictures, which can double as a Chico's ad campaign, for InStyle's March 2012 (via The Berry) issue, Jennifer talked about what misconception annoys her the most and how she isn't copying Justin Theroux's style.

On how she doesn't purposefully dress like Justin Theroux and how the first time he came to her house she didn't secretly steal his favorite leather jacket to make a twin of it for herself: "First of all, he has great style - it's very specific, and it has been his style forever. Has it influenced mine? No, but I know people say it has.'Oh, look, you're dressing alike.' And I think, no I'm not. I've had this jacket for three years!"

On the biggest mistake of her life: "I'm not sure. Just walking out of the house can be a risk!"

On how she'd be a director or a dermatologist if she wasn't a professional line memorizer. Basically, she loves facials: "Directing. I was very proud of producing and directing for the beautiful project 'Five.' Or I'd love to be a dermatologist. I'd be so obsessive about it. I'm fascinated by skin, products, and lasers. I go on the Internet and read all about it. I call it 'laser porn.'"

On how she hates that fake Brangelina feud talk, but can't stop talking about it!: "Which one? There are so many. I would say the triangle with my ex-husband - and that there's a feud there. It's constant. It's a story headline that won't go away, but it's a money thing - [people make money off] a story that has nothing to do with reality."

Oh ho, please. It's so annoying that this bitch threw it up again. Aniston knows very well that quote just earned her the cover of every tabloid for the next few weeks. Star Magazine needs to send her a bouquet of Maddox voodoo dolls, because she just gave their asses a perfect cover headline that will read: "Jennifer Aniston says: 'The triangle with my ex-husband....there's a feud there!"

Why didn't Aniston leave that Brangelina shit on the ground next to the dead horse and instead bring up the misconception that when she fights with Justin, she locks herself in her bedroom. Then she makes her Justin Theroux Cabbage Patch doll apologize to her before handing her a bowl of happy soup (aka melted ice cream with uncooked room-temp cookie dough balls in it). That's because it's not a misconception! It's a truth straight from my Maddox's Burn Book Tumblr.

Just a month after the reincarnation of God, Blue Ivy Carter, descended onto earth on the back of a platinum Pegasus, Beyonce stuffed herself into a Spanx cocoon last night to make her first public appearance at Jay-Z's charity concert at Carnegie Hall and the after-party at 40/40. The conspiracy theorists are straightening their tin foil wigs and screaming "DEM HIPS DO LIE!" while holding up their magnifying glasses to find concrete proof that Beyonce recycled her Tempur-Pedic baby into hip padding.

There are clearer pictures here that Dlisted's accountant (aka the receipt from the street ATM machine downstairs) tell me I can't afford and those pictures make me believe that those widened hips definitely made way for something and those titty balls are probably filled with sparkling leche (B.I.C. doesn't drink anything else). What I'm trying to say is that I'm pretty sure B.I.C. came from in there.

But wait. Do your hips still assume the birthin' position if you had a C-section? Cue up the 48 Hours Mystery theme song and hand me a piece of Reynolds Wrap. I'm not ready for a full-on tin foil hat, but I might be ready for a tin foil scrunchie.

In what has to be one of the weirdest American traditions next to stabbing each other's faces off for a 10% off Xbox360 controller the day after Thanksgiving, hundreds pulled themselves out of bed to gather around Punxsutawney Phil's burrow hole in Pennsylvania to predict if we'll have six more weeks of whatever season we're in. The weather tells me that it's not winter, because I wore a t-shirt yesterday and didn't get frostbite to the nipples. This is like winter in hell. YAY for global warming! Let's all raise a can of Aqua Net and spray until the hole in the ozone layer spreads wider than a power bottom on DP Tuesdays at the bathhouse. Keep spraying until it's ten million degrees everywhere, we're all in our thongs we can't walk down the street without tripping over a seal.

Anyway, Punksatwatney Phil pulled his fat, lazy, works-one-day-a-year ass out of his burrow hole this morning and locked eyes with his shadow. Whatever. Phil doesn't know his asshole from his shadow. I would trust the weather prediction skills of a gerbil out of Richard Gere's burrow hole before I would ever trust Phil. We should just let Phil live his lazy life by letting him sleep in on February 2nd. Besides, Phil needs his rest, because in a couple of years, winter will not exist and the heat will bring him out of his burrow hole forever. Phil will have to shave his coat off and drag himself across the desert to bitch fight a seal for the last drop of water in a discarded Poland Springs bottle. On that note...

Happy Bill Murray Day, everyone!

And here's some pictures of Phil's Canadian third cousin, The Lesbeaver, shooting scenes for the all-girl remake of Gleaming the Cube in Miami yesterday.