Why Are You Pulling My Dick?

Yesterday, John Travolta's ass lips clapped in glee at the possibility of having a new massage time partner when InTouch Weekly said that JLo's piece Casper Smart is into getting erotic massages and Star Magazine said that he's into putting his mouth over gay glory holes. But a quick second after Star and InTouch's stories came out, JLo threatened to sue both of the tabloids for spreading defamatory lies that could damage hers and Casper's reputations. I would cackle at that last part, but Skeletor is already letting out enough cackles for all of us. JLo's reputation is already floating at the top of a toilet, so a few more drops of shit on it won't hurt.

But wait! Four barbers who work at the Diamond Cuts barber shop in the building next to the peep show say that Casper has an alibi. They told Splash and Rumor Fix that Casper wasn't getting a shiatsu massage on his toot hole and he wasn't tap dancing for dick in a gay glory hole. They say Casper was getting a "skin fade" at their shop. Casper only went next door to the peep show, because he needed to use their ATM since he was all out of cash and used the allowance JLo gave him that morning to buy CZ studs at Claire's.

So there you go. Casper might love some peen on his tongue, but he wasn't getting any peen on his tongue at the glory hole that day. Casper's nipples might get hard when a massage therapist lays into his ass cheeks, but that's not what he was doing that day. He was just getting a fade! You know where he really should've been? Bitch should've been at Elegant Eyebrows, because his eyebrow situation is uneven as shit and could use a touch of elegance.

Above is a video of Kristen Stewart, Rupert Sanders, Charlize Theron and some other people from Ho White and The Husband having dinner together at a restaurant in Berlin a couple of months ago. KStew giving off the sexuality of a wet Styrofoam peanut and the allure of a snoring, drooling sloth was just too much for Rupert to handle and so he had to give himself a quick yank right there at the table. And whatever utensils Rupert touched after that, KStew probably licked them real quick to be closer to him. That's how hot they had it for each other. At least that's what Rupert's wife's brother is saying.

In KStew's bizarre open apology, she said that her box munching date with Rupert was only a one time thing. But Liberty Ross' younger brother, Leopold Ross tells The People (via Radar) that those two have been biting each other's lips long before Rupert got caught with a mouthful of KStew snatch. Leopold feels for his sister, because she gave up her career to take care of the kids and Rupert has slapped her in the face with KStew's labia:

“It was from the last half of filming and all through post-production, clear into last week. She made some sacrifices for something she thought was worth it, now she knows, right? Five minutes from her home.

Doubt it was worth it but it’s life. It might actually make things better in the long run. She wasn’t that happy for a while, but our family is close, she’ll be all right.”

Yes, their family is really close and obviously mine is just as close. Because if my sister had a husband and that husband cheated on her by sucking off Kristen Stewart's tongue in a parked Mini Cooper, I would totally sell my story to a British newspaper. I didn't lace that last line with any sarcasm, so you've been warned, future brother-in-law.

I don't know if I believe Leopold Ross. There was a whole lot of making out (and not much more) in those pictures. If they were wet humping on each other for months, I'd think that they'd just want to get down to business and do sex on each other real quick before rinsing the cheating skank smells off of their fuck parts with a stranger's front yard garden hose. Who makes out in a parked car besides 11th graders? Grow up, KStew and Ruprick!

Below are pictures of moving trucks outside of KStew and RPattz's former love shack of sparkly love. The paps say those trucks are moving out RPattz's stuff. If this is a stunt (it probably is), then I'm disappointed at how anti-climactic this is. Moving trucks? That's it? They should've went ALL the way. RPattz should've thrown all of KStew's clothes into her Mini Cooper, torched that shit and used the scorned flames to light his cigarette. RPattz should've done it Bernadine-style. (Just picture Angela Bassett as RPattz and I know that's not hard to do since they're so much alike.)

That's how it should've went down with RPattz screaming "Get yer shit!" and everything.

Well, there goes Kristen Stewart's standing invitation to come over to Charlize Theron's house to smoke the good shit out of a kiwi pipe or whatever else she's got lying in her fruit bowl. Charlize and Kristen bonded (aka hot boxed in their trailers together) while filming Ho White and the Cuntsman, and they got so close (aka Charlize let her finger bone her during a moment of weed-induced weakness) that Charlize said she'd jump off of a building for that trick. Don't mind, Charlize, sometimes  the good shit smoke takes over and singlehandedly produces the foolery that comes out of her mouth. It happens to the best (see: seriously stoned) of us.

But Radar says that not even three hits from a vaporizer straw can smoke out the anger Charlize feels toward Kristen Stewart for letting a married man perform Twatlight: Munching Labia on her in a parked car. Charlize apparently ain't mad at that Rupert Sanders skank for chewing up his marital vows by chewing on Kristen Stewart's crotch, but she is mad at KStew. That's what some source says anyway:

“Charlize is absolutely fuming with Kristen for having an affair with Rupert. She is very tight with Liberty, has often socialized with the family over dinner and cannot believe Kristin has done this. When they were filming Snow White and the Huntsman, Charlize felt like an older sister to Kristin, and they were always sharing advice.

Charlize confided to her new pal about her adoption plans. She even asked Kristin if she wanted to be her baby Jackson’s godmother – that was how close they were. But Charlize had no idea what was going on between Rupert and Kristin and now feels completely betrayed by the whole incident. It’s certainly left Charlize between a rock and a hard place, because she feels great sympathy for Liberty and the kids and yet, she has a sisterly love for Kristin."

Okay, they had me until they got to the "godmother" part. If this is true (it's not), then I need to know what Charlize is lacing her marijuana with, because that shit needs to be banned immediately by every government. What kind of stuff, if smoked, leads you to ask Kristen Stewart to be the godmother of a human child you care about on an emotional level? That is some dark-sided stuff. That stuff will also lead you to ask other inanimate objects (examples: a chewed-up sofa pillow, an empty Glade candle holder, a single anal bead, a bunion on your dog's paw, the pork rind dust at the bottom of a bag of chicharones, a AA battery you keep in your freezer, etc...) to be your baby godmother. Charlize's baby's baptism is going to be a mess. When they ask his godmother to come forward, Kristen Stewart, a chewed-up sofa pillow and pork rind dust will all step up to the altar. That will be Baby Jackson's cue to say "I choose the chewed-up sofa pillow" with his eyes.

Looking at that picture ruined my sense of hearing and that picture doesn't even have any sound with it.

TMZ says that Justin Bieber has been hit with a completely logical, reasonable and not-at-all batshit crazy lawsuit by a woman in Oregon who claims that the high-pitched screeches from his fans caused her permanent ear damage. Stacey Wilson Betts took her daughter to a Bieber concert in 2010 and left with broken ear drums. During Justin's concert, he flew above the crowd of crazed Beliebers on a metal heart-shaped gondola and Stacey says in her lawsuit that he "created a wave like effect of screaming by pointing into various sections of the arena. Then enticed the crowd into a frenzy of screams by continuously waving his arms in a quick and upward motion." Stacy went on to claim that the heart-shaped gondola acted as a "sound conductor creating a sound blast that permanently damaged both of my ears."

The hell kind of Bill Nye explanation is that?

Getting stabbed in the ears with a tornado of tween screams gave her tinnitus and a constant pulsing sound in her ears makes it hard for her to sleep and work. Stacey wants $9.23 million in damages from Bieber, his record label, the concert promoter and the arena in Portland.

Here's a taste of what fucked up Stacey's ears and I'm tempted to put my own ears to my laptop speakers so I too can sue Bieber for millions of dollars:

What did Stacey expect from a Bieber concert? Those insane hyena girls train for months to scream the enamel off the backside of their teefs during a Bieber concert. Their screeches will make a deaf person hear again and go deaf again in seconds. When you go to a Bieber concert, your ears will take that as a "fuck you" to them and turn on you. This is a rule of life.

On a positive note, at least Stacey can't totally hear Justin's music anymore. On a not-so-positive note, if Stacey's daughter is a hardcore Belieber, she probably tweeted this message to her mom: DIAF!!! @mom.

The Hollywood Reporter says that Little Lord Tommy Girl and his band of lawyers have threatened to sue American Media Inc., the company that owns The National Enquirer, for spitting out slanderous lie after slanderous lie about his latest marriage and divorce. The National Enquirer will respond to the letter by shredding it into a tub of aloe vera oil and muddling it until it's the consistency of premium ass lube. Then they'll give it Tommy to rub on all the burns they put on his ass. Because that's a better use for that letter and The National Enquirer doesn't give two shits about Tommy's threats.

Tommy's lawyer Bertram Fields is especially chapped over the Enquirer's latest cover about Tommy's house of horrors. The story claims that Tommy locked Suri in a windowless room for five months and mentally abused Katie. Bert writes that the cover is "disgusting and lurid," is ruining Tommy's reputation and will cost Scientology's Little Miss Grand Supreme hundreds of millions of dollars of personal and professional damages. You can read the whole letter here, but here's a small piece:

"Your cover announces, as a fact, that 'THE REAL TOM CRUISE IS A MONSTER.' Mr. Cruise is certainly not a 'monster.' He is a caring father, a hardworking actor and, above all, an honest, decent man." The cover also includes the headline "Inside Tom's House of Horrors" alongside a picture of Cruise's Beverly Hills residence as well as allegations that Holmes led a "tortured life" with the actor before filing for divorce on June 28.

Can't Tommy use his True Blood-like powers to glamour the image of that cover from all of our memories? And can't he use his Carrie-like powers to move all copies of that shit from the newsstands into the gutter? I'm guessing that Tommy traded in a whole lot of reward tickets at the Scientology prize area to get those powers. Well, he needs to get all his tickets back, because those powers aren't working.

If Tommy wants to sue a bitch for ruining his reputation, he should sue himself. Tom Cruise ruined Tom Cruise's reputation. That said, somebody should still sue The National Enquirer for that fraudulent cover on the left. They made a nation believe that Tommy was up to no good when he got half-nekkid and slipped into bed with another woman. We all know that Tommy was only lying half-naked on a bed in the presence of a woman, because she was there to wax, bleach and henna tattoo the coordinates of Xenu's safe house on his ass lips. The public demands a retraction and clarification, Enquirer!

And here's Katie, Suri and Katie's mom at the Central Park Zoo yesterday. It's nice to see Suri interacting with human children without Scientology handlers grabbing her while screaming, "She's been exposed!" 

Seen here looking like a faaaaaaaaw-bulous lion, Andrew Garfield chokes out a bottle of body glitter every time somebody brings up Robert Pattinson's name, because he can't stand that block of mozzarella cheese covered in sparkle vamp skin (Andrew's supposed words, not mine, Twihards). While doing research for this highly important expose about the battle between pajama-wearing superheroes and broody disco balls who call themselves glittery vampires, I found picture after picture of Andrew and RPattz hugging on each other.  But a source tells USWeekly that both of them are faking it through those hugs and Andrew is faking it better, because he's the real thespian of the two, thankyouverymuch.

The source says that it disgusts Andrew that he's put into the same category as RPattz, because he considers himself a highly serious actor who delivers his farts with more raw emotion than RPattz delivers his lines. (Side question: Do vampires fart?) The source went on to say that at a wedding for some Hollywood producer last month, Andrew and RPattz barely looked at each other. The source added this shit: "The truth is, Andrew can't stand Rob. Andrew hates that they're put in the same category because they're both English and around the same age. They don't enjoy hanging out. Andrew considers himself a 'serious actor' and sees Rob as the equivalent of a cheesy boy bander because of Twilight."

So the source is trying to tell us that this feud is over which one of them is better at doing acting shit? That's not what it's about. We all know what this is really about. When two 20-something British men snarl at each other, it's usually because of one thing and one thing only: HAIR!

Andrew is just jealous that no matter how much he grows out his wild mane, it will never summon the frolicking unicorns the way RPattz's does. Let's compare these two bitches:

Andrew should get some credit for giving us (Note: shake your finger when you read this or it won't count!) Lambert the Fiiiiiiercest Lion, but he still only gets 3 out of 5 Chantal Biyas:

RPattz on the other hand, 5 out of 5, duh:

When the angels stand on the edge of the clouds and dip their asses low, whose hair tips do they brush their butt cheeks against? Exactly. Stay jealous, Spidey Bitch, stay jealous.

In the real-life video game passed off as a religion called Scientology, Tommy Girl's name is near the top of the leaderboard at the end credits, because he's almost beat every villain (including sanity), unlocked every achievement and most importantly, has written the biggest check. (Truth: a TRUE queen buys her title!) In an 11-page expose on Scientology in Rolling Stone , the author of Inside Scientology: The Story of America's Most Secretive Religion, Janet Reitman, writes about the inner workings of Scientology's hierarchy and says that Little Lord Tommy sits in on a gilded high chair on a throne in the church's royal court. Tommy has almost climbed to the top of the Bridge to Terabithia, or whatever the hell those crazies call it, and is now one of the main queens, so you better curtsy at his platform heels.

Being one of the HAIC (head aliens in charge) has given Tommy more powers than all of the True Blood bitches combined. You know how Sookeh Stackhouse thinks her fairy vagina has some real powers? Well, her fairy vagina has nothing on Tommy's fairy vagina. Janet writes that Tommy is an OT VII and is near the top of Scientology's Bridge to Total Freedom:

OTs are Scientology's elite — enlightened beings who are said to have total "control" over themselves and their environment. OTs can allegedly move inanimate objects with their minds, leave their bodies at will and telepathically communicate with, and control the behavior of, both animals and human beings. At the highest levels, they are allegedly liberated from the physical universe, to the point where they can psychically control what Scientologists call MEST: Matter, Energy, Space and Time.

Thetan, please. The only thing Tommy has an affect on is MLFN: My Last Fucking Nerve.

If Tommy read a book from the YA Science Fiction section at a Barnes & Noble, he would've ended up with the same information and the same amount of special powers: NONE. Bitch thinks he's Evie Garland and shit.

Tommy can't leave his body at will, because if he could he'd permanently move into a taller one. Tommy can't control inanimate objects with his mind, because if he could he wouldn't have to psychically straighten his butt plug every time it shifted while he walked. Tommy can't control the behavior of animals, because if he could he'd give himself a good cackle by making the tortured beast on John Travolta's head jump in public. Tommy can't read the minds of humans, because if he could he wouldn't have busted out an "OH SNAP, GURL!" when Katie filed for divorce.

Tommy is taking part in the most expensive and creepiest role-playing games ever, but if it makes him happy, then I say keep jumping up that bridge to nowhere, bitch.

This piece of gossip comes from the chronicle of journalistic integrity that is the British tabloid Now Magazine (via DM), so it's obviously made of one hundred percent truthfulness and you should submit it to the CNN tip line after you're done here. No joke, it was probably on CNN this morning. So, you know how the tabloids painted Vanessa Paradis as a crusty, nagging, fun-hating witch who drove Johnny Depp into Amber Heard's twat  of solace by whining at him about everything? Well, a source tells Now that Vanessa has stopped screaming at Johnny and is cursing Amber Heard's name instead. I feel a cover of "The Boy Is Mine" called "The Hobo Is Mine" by Vanessa & Amber coming on. The source puts it like this:

"Vanessa's devastated that Johnny's dumped her. She blames Amber and calls her a man-stealing, two-bit nobody and has vowed to not let her anywhere near their children."

A two-bit nobody? Since when does Vanessa talk like a character from Mama's Family? Vanessa should've went all the way by calling her a two-bit nobody tramp harlot from around the way.

Since I only look at the superficial layer of any situation, I see shit like this. Vanessa had Johnny at the height of his freshness and supreme hotness, and Amber Heard, if she's doing him, has him when he's looking like the way he's looking now. It's kind of like if I ate a freshly made Double Double from In-N-Out twenty minutes ago and started foaming at the mouth with jealous rage when somebody sat next to me and started nibbling on a half-eaten, stale, moldy, Double Double they found in the dumpster. Okay, it's nothing like that, because I'd still make jealous eyes at a trick eating a rotten Double Double and I'd still hit current day Johnny Depp. Scratch everything I said and just look at these pictures from the Paris Cinema Festival of Vanessa looking like the Evil Spirit from the Care Bears movie.

"Hand me the foreskin sweat-flavored lip gloss. Johnny has to do this shit with FEELING!" is probably the line Kelly Preston spit at her Scientology-appointed handler in the limo minutes before she did this with John Travolta on the red carpet at the L.A. premiere of his movie Savages last night. John and Kelly tried to make the public forget about all the tales of his tingling, man-hungry Scientolohole by putting on a good-old fashioned, manufactured public display of ewwwffection show in front of the cameras. It didn't work. This is about as natural as the beaver's ass on John's head.

Just yesterday, yet another dude dropped a sexual harassment lawsuit on John Travolta's gitchi gitchi ya ya anus, so I understand why John and Kelly's publicist choreographed this stunt, but they should've rehearsed more. These pictures are where awkward goes to feel more awkward. John is trying to use his Scientology training to imagine Kelly Preston's lips as a succulent, twitchy man hole and she knows this, which is why her eye is saying "Please tell me this is almost over...." to the photographer.

Hugh Jackman and his wife Deborra-Lee Furness need to teach a class at the Learning Annex on How To Successfully Shoot Down The Gay Rumors with Some Public Beard Love, because those two know how to do it without overdoing it.

On a positive note, at least this gives Tommy Girl and the boys at the Scientology bath house something to giggle about as they do themselves in the butt with e-meter cans.

Deadline says that two crew members in the hair department of Lifetime's Liz & Dick had to leave production early on Friday, because they were so worked out and had to be treated for "severe dehydration and exhaustion" at the hospital. Most of us had to be treated for exhaustion after we laughed out our last breath from LiLo saying that she passed out after working 85 hours in 4 days, but a source says she isn't lying. The source says that every crew member has been working their assholes off 20 hours a day, every day.

Liz & Dick's shooting schedule is only 20 days long, so everyone involved has been doing some slave labor shit to get that mess done. To which I say, WHYYYYYYY? They're making a Lifetime movie, they're not creating an important piece of cinema like a remake of Showgirls or something. If you're an ER doctor and some thirsty and tired bitch comes, because they're killing themselves to make a Lifetime movie, you should treat them with a slap to the face and tell them to slap their boss. It's not that serious. It's a Lifetime movie. Most of the audience is going to sleep while watching it, so the crew should sleep while making it.

I'm still not buying it, though.

Either this is just a PR cover for Lazy Bitch Lohan or those hairdressers accidentally inhaled too many of those funny-looking "dandruff flakes" on LiLo's scalp.