Why Are You Pulling My Dick?
A few months ago, Playgirl went web-only, because it's easier for dudes to click a mouse than turn a page while masturbating. But they roared up printer again just for Levi. The magazine promises all nude "pix," but just like the (NSFWish) internet spread you're still not getting peen. Not even a tip. We get a handful of pit muff. You can develop a case of blue eyeballs all over again! However, I will give Levi a few nipple pinches for his "Someday I Will Be Senator" pose and bronzerface.
And in case you missed it, here's the picture of Sarah Palin and her Alaskan telepalmpter at the Tea Party Convention in Tennessee over the weekend. The note on her hand does not say, "Pick up Levi's Playgirl." It says: "Energy", "Tax" and "Lift American Spirits." Sarah learned that trick from Piper obviously.
Honestly, who cares. The President uses a teleprompter, Sarah Palin uses a 4th grade cheat trick, and Michelle Obama stores all of her speeches in her intergalactic eyebrows of the universe. We all have our ways.
But you know what we really should be ranting and raving about?! The fact that there was a Gaylord tea party this weekend without oiled-up go-go dancers in spandex, poppers and the presence of Gay Al Reynolds. That is the REAL travesty.
The world needs a Stretch Armstrong movie as much as it needs another Twitter update from Tila Tequila. So of course, Hollywood is going forward with a feature film of the life and times of Stretch Armstrong. And I'm sure Hollywood is also in the back of a strip club putting together a feature film version based on Tila Tequila's Twitter. Bobby Trendy, call your agent!
Coming Soon reports that last night Universal Pictures announced that almost legal (4 days, 9 hours, 30 minutes, 47 seconds) Taylor Lautner will stretch his limbs as the title character. Taylor's parts will spring towards your face, because the movie will be shot in 3D. It will hit theaters sometime in 2012.
This shit already sounds terrible, but it makes sense that they cast Taylor Lautner as Stretch Armstrong since Twitards have been stretching their peens and clits to him for the past year. They leak the same kind of goo too.
And I never had a Stretch Armstrong as a kid, most likely because my mother knew I would do inappropriate things with it on the playground and she didn't want me to get kicked out of another preschool.
This is just a quick update regarding the case of Tila Tequila's baby daddy. I know the mention of Tila Tequila's name makes your brain hurt, but this will be fast. Just squeeze my hand. I'll give you a lollipop afterwards.
Yesterday, Tila Tequila said the father of her unborn publicity stunt is The Game. The Game immediately went over to TMZ and denied this. The Game said he wouldn't touch her with 50 Cent's pole. Tila Tequila responded by barfing her homegrown brand of crazy all over Twitter. #straitjacket
Dreamboat Doherty has once again shoved the system into his pipe and smoked it up. Dreamy avoided prison time today for bringing heroin into court last month. On December 21, Dreamy was making his way into a court house to face DUI charges when a baggie of Tatum O'Neal's favorite poison fell out of his coat. At least Dreamy says it fell out of his coat, but he regularly farts out 8-balls so....
The judge today simply spanked Dreamy on one his mouth sores, and only fined him £750. The judge added, "Either this was sheer stupidity or a ploy to get more publicity." Dreamy's lawyer/weekend dealer explained that his client was not "mickey taking." Dreamy had forgotten that the stash was in one of his many coats.
Dreamy could do a line of the bad shit off of the court stenographer's labia lips right in front of the judge, and he still wouldn't get more than a side-eye and a finger wave from the judge! Dreamy will never sit in the corner. Maybe this has something to do with the fact that prisons just aren't equipped with enough medication to contain an outbreak in case Dreamy happened to sneeze while sitting in one of their cells.
The other day, Gary Coleman had to be calmed down with a bag of animal crackers and a milk box after he threw a tantrum over the producers of his movie Midgets vs. Mascosts using a dick double in one of the scenes.
Gary asked his fans to just say no to the movie, "I wanted all my fans to protest my penis being in the movie, because I didn't want that. It's a body double, I believe, because I certainly was not gonna do this. And I heard that the body double is ugly, and is unattractive, and does not make me look good."
Well, Rhymes with Snitch claims they got a hold of a screen shot featuring the dick double. It's waiting for you after the jump. You might want to hold on to something sturdy and a put a piece of duct tape over your mouth so you don't wake the children. (NSFW) JUMP!
In an open letter released yesterday, Conan O'Brien told NBC to fuck a chin in the politest way possible. TMZ says that this triggered NBC to run off to Jay Leno to begin negotiations for him to take over as the host of The Tonight Show again. But a source tells Popeater that Jay has dropped to his knees, put his hand over his forehead and declared that he's disgusted by the way NBC is treating him and Conan. Jay is about to jump on Conan's back so the two can ride out of NBC together.
Put on your dunce caps and read what this source had to say, "Now that Conan has made it clear he is leaving the troubled network, Jay is considering doing the same. They have put Jay in a terrible position. It looks like he is the reason that Conan is now without a job. Jay is a great guy and it's not fair that due to NBC's stupidity he looks like the bad guy. Plus, what happens when Jay does return to the 11:35 slot if his audience doesn't immediately follow? How can he possibly trust the same network that canceled Conan after only seven months?"
Does this mean there's a good chance there will be a Law & Order: Night Court Edition starring Marsha Warfield. No, there isn't a good chance, because this source is full of spuds. There's no way Jay is going to leave NBC. Hell, he's probably holding the box of baby wipes as NBC removes the ginge spot from their peacock.
And while we're on the subject, here's a performance artist's dramatic interpretation of NBC's current state.
In case you don't have an eye for art, the performance artist represents NBC and the ice cream cup represents NBC's ass.
Video via Videogum (Say that three times)
Usher is crying to the police in Atlanta, because he claims someone snatched $1 million worth of jooree, furs and electronic shit from the back of his SUV. This is exactly why my mother always made us throw jackets and blankets over our bags from Mervyn's.
According to the police report, Usher says that while he was shopping inside of an AT&T store, a Chevy Impala pulled up next to his SUV in the parking lot. The report goes on to say that a young dude jumped out of the Impala, broke open one of the SUV's doors and grabbed all of Usher's expensive shit. Usher added that most of the stuff the thieves took were supposed to be Christmas pressies.
If you're reading this story with an "Is that the best story you can come up with?" side-eye, then you're not alone. This story is the dirt flake in a tall glass of milk.
Usher thinks he's so slick. When Usher sadly announced to Tameka that Christmas was canceled due to grinchy thieves stealing all the presents, she pretended to be disappointed but she was secretly smiling inside knowing that the player got played. You can't trick a gold digger!
And why in the hell did Usher buy Tameka a fur coat? Tameka spends of thousands of dollars on getting fur waxed off her back! Why would she want to add more?
UPDATE: Image removed per request from Van's label. Boo
No, this is not my friend Armando dressed in drag as Eliot Spitzer's main madam. Also, that's not an all-grown up Chucky Doll next to her. But now I know what my Halloween costume is going to be this year!!! Anyway, this is supposedly Van Morrison with 42-year-old Gigi Lee. Gigi is the woman (make your own quotation marks here) who was named as the mother to Van Morrison's newborn baby son.
About a week ago, a message went up on Van's website announcing that his 64-year-old ass fathered a son with Gigi Lee. The next day, Van claimed that a hacker put up the fake message and he was not a new father. Van went on to say that he had never met this Gigi Lee trick and he is happily married to his wife Michelle. Well, the Daily Mail isn't going to let Van slip away so easily. According to them, Van knows Gigi Lee very well. In fact, sources say Gigi is the director of 14 of his companies. YES, Gigi is a serious business woman. Isn't it wonderful that we live in an age where serious business women have faces like a deflated Julie Masking and hair like bleached curly fries? It's good to be alive.
Gigi's friends tell the Daily Mail that the two met back in 1998. Since then, Gigi has been bragging to friends about how she's been carrying on an affair of love with Van. Gigi's friends also added that Gigi recently moved into a fancy townhouse where she's planning to raise Baby Van.
So Van says he does not have a baby with Gigi, and the Daily Mail says he does have a baby with Gigi. I don't know what to believe! However, I won't be surprised if I read on my RSS feed tomorrow morning: PETE BURNS arrested for stealing a blonde wig, a Benjamin Button's prop baby from Warner Bros. storage closet, and a drivers license belonging to one Gigi Lee.
Let's not focus on the fact that all of our eyeballs are having a "Harpo, who dis woman?" moment. Instead, let's point out the positives of Kim Kardassian's ad for her new perfume.
It's a good thing Kim looks like her asshole is burping up her initials since her perfume most likely smells like something (SPOILER ALERT: a colostomy bag and burnt anus hair) she shat up after a particularly messy butt sex session.
It's also a good thing that Kim is posing inside of a giant NuvaRing since every member of the Kardashian family (including Rob) should be legally required to carry a gigantic box of NuvaRings in their vaginas at all times.
The two of you out there who gave yourself a meth enema to stay awake while watching El Cantante in its entirety (I'm raising my guilty hand with you, Skeletor), know that a frozen burrito would've done a better job playing JLo's role of Puchi. Hell, Poochie the dog would've done a better job. But according to the master thespian herself, she thinks she should have an Oscar sitting right next to her Razzie Award on the shelf above her toilet.
JLo, who had to speak through her vagina because her head was so far up her ass, told Latina Magazine, "I feel like I had that [Oscar worthy role] in El Cantante, but I don’t even think the academy members saw it. I feel like it’s their responsibility to do that, to see everything that’s out there, everything that could be great. Well, it is a little bit frustrating. It was funny; when the Oscars were on, I had just given birth on the 22nd, and the Oscars, I think, were a day or two later. I was sitting there with my twins—I couldn’t have been happier—but I was like, ‘How dope would it have been if I would’ve won the Oscar and been here in my hospital bed accepting the award?’ ‘Thank you so much! I just want to thank the academy!’ But we joked about it. It’s all good. Things will happen when they’re supposed to happen. I have the utmost faith and no doubt that it will one day, when and if it’s supposed to. You can’t get all crazy twisted over it.”
It would've been dope alright. Every academy member would have had to be higher than Spaghetti Cat in a Barilla factory to even consider nominating JLo for that mess. You can't even watch ten seconds of that shit without swallowing a dope lab.
Oh, JLo, I hope you never ever peek out of your bubble of delusion to take a good whiff of reality. It's more entertaining this way.