Why Are You Pulling My Dick?

Fards is a really hot word. I know it means cosmetics or make-up in French, but it sounds like a cross between a fart and a turd. A fart that accidentally produces a turd. A fard! Yes, I'm a dumb dumb American with the brain of an 11-year-old. Anyway, this post has nothing to do with fart turds!

French Elle has decided to do the unthinkable! They put Monica Belluci, Eva Herzigova and Sophie Marceau on their cover without make-up or any Photoshop trickery! So they say. They had to have used something! A tan colored Crayon? Maybe The Empress of Lucite stood near them and they soaked in her intense beauty rays. That had to be it.

Of course, they choose three ladies who are hot without all that shit. You know who I want to see without pounds of make-up and Photoshop? I want to see some JLo! Maybe some Xtina too! That's who I want to see! However, it might be impossible to photograph Xtina without make-up since I think the layers of bronzer on her skin are baked on permanently.

How does something like this happen?! How does a Billy Corgan and a Tila Tequila end up making grossy gross faces at each other at Bravo's A-List Awards. I feel like I'm having a dream about Thumb Head Boy all grown-up and working as a pimp at a ladyboy bar in Thailand. Because this can't be Billy and Tila together, but it is....

Billy looks like he's a little confuseded in the head. When Tila grabbed him by the hand, he thought she was going to take him in the back for a massage, not to the red carpet of some awards shit. One hundred percent organic fuckery!

Normally when it's announced that a movie is turning into a gay ass musical spectacular, I get the dry heaves in my asshole, but this shit right here has made my life. Andy Fickman of Reefer Madness fame is putting together a musical based on the 1988 life-changing epic Heathers. Andy, Kevin Murphy and Larry O'Keefe have been working on this shit for a while now. They hope to get it up on Broadway by 2010.

Andy said, "'I love my dead gay son.' If you can get that into a song, then that is just perfect."

Broadway wouldn't be my first choice for this shit. It would be even better if they did it with an all-tranny cast at a dinner theater in Sprinboro, Ohio.

Seriously, think about the possibilities if they don't fuck it up. I mean, dancing BBQ CornNuts, a singing Martha Dumptruck (Andy Milonakis in his stage debut) and a riveting ballad called "Fuck Me Gently With a Chainsaw" (now I know where THEY got the idea)...this might be amazing.

Then again, it also might be a giant puddle of hot vom. And bulimia's so '87.