Why Are You Pulling My Dick?

Brad Pitt and Angie Jolie need to start monitoring Maddox's cell phone usage, because it looks like he's been cranking UsWeekly again. I take that back. Maddox needs to keep on, because this shit is hilarious.

The other day, Maddox forced his assistant Shiloh to speed dial UsWeekly so that he could tell them all about how his daddy thinks his arch rival Jennifer Aniston is a pathetic, desperate hag of epic proportions. Poor Shiloh got a cramp in her arm, because she had to hold up the phone to Maddox's ear so that he could file his nails at the same time. Maddox thinks only peons use Bluetooth and he doesn't like to waste a minute of his day.

Anyway, a source (let's just play along) tells UsWeekly that Billy Goat Brad was fuming mad when he found out that Jennifer Aniston was on the cover of Architectural Digest. Billy Goat huffed, puffed, meeeeeeh-ed and stomped around. Shit got so bad that Angie gave him a tire to chew on so that he could calm down.

The source explained, “Brad thinks she is pathetic. He was disgusted when Jen felt the need to parade herself in the pages of Architectural Digest. Brad feels this is all so desperate. It was a ploy to get his attention.”

This is not true, but if it is Billy Goat needs to climb up a tree and shut up. If he's so mad he should get back at Jennifer Aniston by posing on the cover of Beanie Baby Weekly or some shit.

Thom Yorke is notorious for throwing cuntified shade at celebrities who try to meet him. Thom will spit at your feet and put the curse of Noldor on your ass if you so much as try to shake his little hand. So how in the name of fuck did Kate Hudson manage to get "comfy" with him at Coachella last weekend? This is some wrong shit.

Some witness-type tells the NYDN that at the Ace Hotel in Palm Springs, Kate Hudson and Thom Yorke were snuggling together. Maybe the witness ate the wrong kind of peyote and mistook two garden gnomes for Kate and Thom, because this doesn't make any sense.

Thom sort of looks like an excommunicated Hobbit who gnaws on lizard tails and scares the village children, and Kate is pretty much the spitting image of Dopey, but that doesn't mean they belong together. In this case, two dwarves do not make a right.

Hopefully, Kate just caught Thom in a vulnerable state (aka stoned and dozed off). Because I'd like to think Thom Yorke would normally bark at Kate until she ran back to her tree hole.

No, this isn't the dirty ass skater dude who left his scab bits in your bed and burped in your mouth when you made out with him. This is Kristen Stewart at a Coochella party yesterday. For a quick second, my no-no popped a few times thinking that there was a hot new piece on the stroll. Kristen is not right for trying to Brandon Teena my ass! DAMN HER! But I still would (you know she can break a strap-on in two)....

And by "as you've never seen her before," I really mean as you've only seen her. Seriously, will somebody clap at Kim Kardassian and tell her to get up off the floor and put on some damn clothes already. The world is not her nudist colony. The minute we go back to the cave man days where everybody ran around the land practically naked, she'll be the first to know.

Anytheroomsuddenlysmellslikepissscentedfarts, here's Kim Kardassian naked and unretouched in Harper's Bazaar. Kim says that she decided to go sans Photoshop to show all the young "curvy" girls out there to be proud of their natural bodies. Says the bitch who has enough motor oil (or whatever) in her face to fill up a dozen cars at Jiffy Lube.

Here's Kim:

On being a curvy role model: "I feel proud if young girls look up to me and say, 'I'm curvy, and I'm proud of it now."

On having big bitties as a kid: "I was wearing a C cup by the time I was 11. I would go to bed and pray, 'Please, Lord, don't let my boobs grow any bigger. I hated what was happening."

On her supposedly free-range and organic ass: "I'm Armenian. It's normal. My butt is probably not as big as you might think, because I have small legs and a small waist, which makes it appear bigger."

Now I'm not saying that Kim isn't Photoshopped (Yish, I am), but I am saying that she's probably covered with buckets of bronzer and foundation. Zac Efron is going to be pissed when he goes into MAC for the usual and they tell him that Kim wiped them out. Better go rub your face on Kim's ass, Zac.

InTouch Weekly's cover story is all about Charlie Sheen's alleged affair with a lingerie model named Angelina Tracy. Their proof was this picture of Charlie Sheen leaving Angelina's house in a full-proof disguise! Yes, basically Charlie Sheen is trying to jack everyone off with Vanilla Gorilla's Hitler stache. We see you.

Anyway, Charlie's spokeswhore denied the affair and also gave the BEST explanation as to why Charlie was in disguise:

"The woman in question is the sister of one of Sheen's campmates and Sheen was only responding to a 12th-step call. Since Sheen knew he was being followed and how this would look, he wore the moustache in a tongue-in-cheek disguise gesture."

HA! If you ever need an excuse, call up Charlie Sheen, because he's a professional at that shit. If being the highest paid actor on TV doesn't pan out for him, Charlie should sell excuses. I mean "tongue-in-cheek"? I'm sure his tongue was in her cheeks alright.

Grab a gold goblet, jump on your camel and ride towards the holy land (which is temporarily in Venice, Italy) and gather at the steps of the Church of Brangelina, because Star Magazine (via Hollywood Life) says the newest Fetus Christ is currently simmering in St. Angie's womb of wonder. And they must be right, because look at that bump! Or maybe she ate a garbanzo bean for lunch instead of her usual, a sandwich made out of her children's tears.

A source on the set of The Tourist tells Star that Angie must be knocked up for the fourth time around, because she's drinking grape juice instead of red wine and has asked the costumers to help her hide the evidence. A different source says that Angie has already told Brad and the child army. I'm sure Maddox was so thrilled he could fart after finding out that he had to train yet another brat how to properly wear all-black.

If this is true (which you know it isn't), how does Billy Goat Brad find the time? When he isn't cowering in fear of Angie, he's off secretly meeting Jennifer Aniston. What am I saying? Angie doesn't need to fuck on Brad to get pregnant. All she has to do is send her leechy vagina out in the middle of the night to feed on Brad's huevos and collect what she needs.

I leave you with pictures of one of the twin messiahs, Knox, with Brad's mama je'e on THAT BALCONY in Venice yesterday.

At a party for Good Housekeeping in NYC last night, Chestica Simpson left the Ken Paves wig at the hotel along with her damn neck! Did bitch's neck skedaddle (yes, I'm 80), because it was afraid her giant uni-chichi would attack it? Without a neck, Jessica looks like the Tasmanian Devil dressed in drag as a Real Housewife. Ken Paves needs to be a better main gay, because he should've told Chestica to pose as though someone was dangling a bacon-wrapped hot dog above her. Or something! Lift the head, part the titties, and everything will be okay!

And in other Jess news, she still swears on Ken Paves' glistening ass lips that she really went SANS FARDS on the cover of Marie Claire. Jess told UsWeekly last night, "Look at the cover -- you can tell! My nose has been broken a couple of times. If you look at a retouched cover of me and you look at the Marie Claire cover, you can see there's a big difference. I take the pictures. I don't know what the magazine is going to do with it after that. I don’t know what the photographer is going to do with it after that, so it was important for me to make sure that they absolutely did not retouch. I just wanted people to see how I really am."

"I don't know what the photographer is going to do with it after...." = "Touched by an army of Photoshopping angels"

It has been claimed that Demi Moore's body has been sucked more than Gerard Butler on any given weeknight, tucked more than the entire cast of RuPaul's Drag Race, and stretched more than Gay Al's b-hole during White Party weekend, but she tells Elle UK (via DM) this isn't so. Demi says that she used to be obsessed with the way her body image, but now she doesn't really give a dirty tampon.

Demi says, "I had an extreme obsession with my body. I made it a measure of my own value. I tried to dominate it, which I did, and I changed it multiple times over. But it never lasted and ultimately it didn’t bring me anything but temporary happiness. Does being thin resolve anything? No. The irony is that when I abandoned that desire to dominate my body, it actually became the body that I’d always wanted. But it only happened when I stopped trying to control it. At the end of the day, this kind of obsession is pointless and meaningless."

And about that plastic surgery rumor, Demi says, "I have had something done but it’s not on my face. It feels like school-yard name-calling a lot of the time. It hurts. You know what? Maybe one day I’ll go under the knife. It just irritates me that people are constantly saying how much I’ve spent on plastic surgery."

Anybody who watched Striptease knows that "something she had done." Well, unless Moses magically appeared before her and parted her tittays for some strange reason. You know, the only way Demi Moore never had any plastic surgery on her face is if she has the same genetic make up as Julie Masking.

And you know that somewhere in the world, there's a plastic surgeon's knife pissed off and hurt that Demi Moore is denying ever meeting it. That heartless bitch!

It looks like Kiely Williams recently took a crash course at Lindsay Lohan's Night School of Excuses, because the defense she came up with for the date rape anthem "Spectacular" is some real spectacular bullshit! In case you have no idea what I'm going on about, watch the motel porn preview above or click here to get the gist. Warning: It will leave you singing "Ass up, clothes off, broke off, dozed off" for the rest of the day. Actually, you probably sing that anyway throughout the day, so ignore the warning.

Instead of pleading the ho fifth by putting a peen on it, Kiely came up with this ridiculously hilarious shit:

"ATTENTION: I am an actor and performer. I have been so since my first role in a television pilot at five years old. I played a character when I was a Cheetah Girl. I am playing a character in the music video for the song Spectacular, as I did in the Cheetah Girl movies. Young women across the country get intoxicated and have unprotected sex. That's a fact. I recorded the song to bring attention to this frighteningly prevalent activity. It is absurd to infer or suggest that I am condoning this behavior.

Are Lady Gaga and Beyonce advocating murder with the Telephone video? Of, course not. Was Rihanna encouraging suicide with Russian Roulette? No. Was Madonna suggesting that young unmarried girls get pregnant with Papa Dont Preach? I dont think so. Is Academy Award winner Monique a proponent of incest because of her portrayal of Mary in the movie Precious. Clearly, the answer is no.

I wrote Spectacular and made the video to bring attention to a serious womens health and safety issue. Please dont shoot the messenger."

HA. Is Kiely really trying to pass off this ho shit masterpiece off as a public service announcement for women's health issues?! More like a penis service announcement. Stop trying to roofie our eyes and ears, Kiely! We are well aware what's up in this video, and it's your ass. If you want to pop your pussy on the train tracks, more power to you. But don't try to pass it off as something more than popping your pussy on the train tracks.

With all that being said, we all should really thank Kiely for giving us an excuse to tell the cops when we get caught giving oral to a stranger on the street in between taking hits from a joint. "Officer, I was only sucking that stranger's weenus and smoking the devil weed to show our nation's youth that being a stoned out public slut is no life."

via ONTD

Shortly after Kate Winslet announced she was quitting her husband, everyone started screaming about the Best Actress Oscar CURSE! Charlize Theron, Hilary Swank, Reese Witherspoon and now Kate Winslet all split from their full-time pieces after winning Best Actress. I guess Oscar is a possessive asshole and doesn't like to share. Well, Sandra Bullock could be next in line to be bit in the ass by the Oscar curse. That's if you believe InTouch Weekly and a trick who goes by the name Bombshell. Bitch Boom Bye!

According to InTouch, while Sandra Bullock was off shooting The Blind Side in Atlanta, her husband Jesse James was blind siding her ass by passing his peen to Michelle "Bombshell" McGee. Yes, MCGEE! Why did InTouch have to do this to Sandra on today of all days? That leprechaun-tini really isn't going to taste the same to her today.

Michelle claims that she carried on an 11-month affair with Jesse after meeting him on Facebook. Michelle was interested in possibly modeling for Jesse's company, West Coast Choppers, so she sent them a friend request. Jesse personally wrote her back and asked her to e-mail him privately. After exchanging a few e-mails back and forth, Michelle met Jesse at West Coast Choppers one night. Jesse gave her a tour of the garage, and then took her back to his office to "watch movies." We all know what that means. Basically, Jesse stuck his disc in Michelle's slot.

But before they got down and dirty, Michelle asked Jesse about Sandra. He told her, "She doesn’t live here. She has a house in Austin. She is filming, and I can’t talk about it." Michelle and Jesse continued to do fucky times together for the next five weeks. Michelle claims they probably got it on two or three times a week. When they weren't bumping tats, they were texting each other constantly.

InTouch didn't offer up any picture proof, but Michelle did say that Jesse doesn't wear underwear or condoms. Michelle nicknamed him "Vanilla Gorilla," because of his big dick.

You know, mistress whores really are a dime-a-dozen (seriously, you can buy 12 for a dime at The Dollar Tree), so Michelle really needed to come hard here if she wanted to play. Now, I'm not saying that I would fall of my chair if this turned out to be true. Jesse was married to a porn star, so I doubt he's wearing a halo over his wang. But words don't mean shit nowadays. We're going to need pictures, videos, DNA, and several GIFs of the Vanilla Gorilla's banana. So until Michelle comes up real proof, she can take a seat with the other tricks. Tell my cousins I said "hi," Michelle.

But more importantly, what does CinnaBun have to say about this?!