Why Are You Pulling My Dick?

During Manti Te'o's interview with Katie Couric, which airs today, he claims that he's not a STUNT QUEEN, he's just a gullible bitch, because he wasn't a part of the fake dead girlfriend hoax and he had no idea that his friend Ronaiah Tuiasosopo was Lennay Kekua the entire time. Manti says that why would he take part in a hoax that has ruined his reputation and possibly screwed with his football career. But even if this does ruin his football career, that's okay, because he can get a job working from home. Manti read that Debbie's mom makes $566/a day posting links on Google. Unbelievable!

Manti gave Katie Couric 3 voicemails that he thought were from his fake girlfriend, but they were really from Ronaiah Tuiasosopo. In the voicemails, Ronaiah as Lennay, talks about her chemotherapy sessions, gets jealous over Manti having another girl in his room and tells him she was released from the hospital. Ronaiah's lawyer says that he pretended to be a woman and put on his "falsetto" voice every time he talked to Manti. Here's just one of the voicemails, you can here the rest at Deadspin:

If you need to compare Ronaiah's lady voice to his man voice, here's a clip of him talking normal. I don't know, if I was working the drive-thru at McDonald's and Ronaiah spoke in his regular voice, I don't think I'd call him "miss." So either his lady voice is that good or he's using some kind of software. I don't know, but I do know that I want to hear a clip of Lennay and Manti phone fucking each other. I really need to hear Ronaiah make lady orgasm sounds as his peen explodes.

And TMZ says that Manti isn't the only dude who Ronaiah supposedly tricked. Ronaiah has feelings for dudes, but he doesn't want to face those feelings, so he created a fake girl and lives vicariously through her.

We're told Ronaiah used the female persona in many encounters, but so far there's no evidence he became intensely emotionally attached to anyone -- until Manti. We've confirmed when Ronaiah spoke with Manti as "Lennay Kekua" he used his own voice.

Indeed ... Ronaiah's feelings became so intense, he blew his cover on December 6 because it was hard to walk away. He never intended to reveal Manti was actually talking to a man ... he just wanted to reconnect with Manti, but still as a woman.

Our sources say Ronaiah has buried his feelings to the point he has little emotion about anything. We're told even the scandal has not produced intense emotions.

Well, I guess that's one awkward way to come out, awkwardly.

How old is Ronaiah? I mean, most of us outgrew the whole "pretend to be a woman on Craigslist to get straight men to have phone sex with you" phase in our teens! Okay, in our early twenties. Okay, in our mid twenties. Okay, last week. But still.

The official ambassadors for fame whores were on Letterman last night to pimp out their show Kim & Kourtney Taint Miami, and of course David Letterman brought up her blink-and-you-missed-it marriage to the factory-defected animatronic Big Foot Harry that is Kris Humphries.

It's been over a year since Kim Kardashian read the words "stage direction - walk to courthouse, file for divorce" in her script and so Letterman asked her why the divorce is taking so long. While looking like a bloated Predator in a 2-star maitre d tuxedo, Kim told Letterman that her divorce is taking so long, because Kris is suing her for tricking him into marrying her ass for publicity. The slow one then piped in with a joke. Here's how the conversation went:

Dave: Now you, you're still married to your former husband, Kris Humpries? You're still married to him.

Kim: Yes, I am.

Dave: Now, when are you going to wrap that up?

Kim: Well, I'm trying, and it's a process and I've been trying for almost two years now, to um, to wrap it up, but it's, you know, it's hard.

Dave: I guess it's none of my business, but what does he want? Does he want his own show?

Kim: I can't speak for Kris, but I just want him to be happy and I want us to move on and that's really what I want, is just to move on.

Dave: Now again you don't have to do this, but when the divorce comes through, and he wants an annulment, is that right? Why an annulment, what's the difference?

Kim: I don't really know cause even if we got an annulment... I would love to give him one but then that would make...the only legal way to get an annulment is if fraud were involved, so that's what tricky. So he is suing me for an annulment based on the fact that I frauded him into marrying him for publicity.

Dave: So he's claiming that he was the victim of fraud?Kim: Yes, well, that's the only way to get an annulment is if one person was frauded, so that was, um, the case.

Dave: But fraud was not a factor here, is that right?

Kim: Not in my case, no.

Kourtney: I think if she was going to do it for publicity, she's pick someone that people knew.

Never mind that Pimp Mama Kris is totally going to pimp slap Kourtney Kardashian for making fun of her casting decisions, doesn't Kourtney realize that she's only famous because Ray J slapped Kim's ass with his neck pillow dick in front of a camera and because Ryan Seacrest fulfilled a favor he owed to Lucifer by putting them on basic cable?

Kim then told Letterman that people need to saying that they've let out farts that have lasted longer than her marriage, because she's still married!

Those jokes really can't work, because I've really been married for almost two years. . . . So it hasn’t been 72 days, it's been almost two years.

I just....can't. What do you even say to that? I'd blame it on pregnancy brain, but Kim didn't have a brain to begin with.

Earlier today, Radar had a quote from Michael Lohan which proved that he's a caring, wonderful father who wants nothing but the best for his daughter. Did I type "nothing but the best for his daughter"? I meant to type "nothing but a check." My mistake. Radar quoted Michael Lohan as saying that rich men pay Lindsay Lohan hundreds of thousands of dollars to "date" them and that White Oprah is her pimp. It was my first DUH! of the day.

A different source also told Radar that LiLo is an escort who gets paid to be "arm candy" to really rich dudes. Prince Haji Abdul Azim, who is known for paying celebrities to be his friend, paid LiLo $100,000 sit at his New Year's Eve party in London. The source also said that rich artist Domingo Zapata lets LiLo stay for free at his penthouse at the Bowery Hotel in NYC and has given her the keys to his place at Chateau Marmont in L.A. The rich dudes pay for all expenses and give her expensive gifts. The source says they don't know if White Oprah also takes a price gun to Lindsay Lohan's snatch, because they don't know if her freckled biscuit is for sale too.

Yes, "arm candy to really rich dudes." I typed that. Bitch probably thinks she's a diamond-studded dark chocolate truffle wrapped in gold foil made from actual gold, but she's really a dusty bag of Circus Peanuts lying on a shelf in the back of a Rite-Aid.

But don't go looking to see how Lindsay Lohan's escort services rated on Yelp, because Michael Lohan tells TMZ that he never called her a whore and says that she's not selling low-grade cooch at high-end prices:

"By absolutely NO MEANS did I ever make such a statement ... EVER! Sure, Lindsay and [other celebs] make personal appearances and get paid for it! Sure, she and they get paid to go to birthday parties and other occasions! But for sex? Are you kidding me? I would never say that because she would NEVER do that and it NEVER happened!"

I believe that Michael Lohan never said that to Radar. I mean, Michael probably gets a cut of LiLo's escort money, so why would he call her out? Michael doesn't want the IRS knocking on his door to get a cut of his cut. Michael might have molten coke rocks for brains, but he's not stupid enough to mess with his cash flow. A good pimp never tells.

TMZ says that after one full season of saying the same 12 words (I'm being generous) while doing what she loves most, sitting down, Brit Brit is actually going to stand up from her judge's chair on The X-Factor and strut away. (Or Daddy Spears and Jason Trainwreck are going to put wheels on the bottom of her chair and wheel her away so she doesn't have to stand up. That's what they're going to do.)

There was a rumor last week that Simon Cowell and Fox didn't want to renew Brit Brit's contract, but TMZ heard (cut to Harvey Levin having a Piggly Wiggly soup can phone conversation with a great big box of human grits that may or may not have been Daddy Spears) that she's the one who is breaking up with them. TMZ's source said that Brit Brit "loves working with Simon" and "likes Demi" (read: barely knows she exists), but that she wants to focus on making music. Brit Brit is working on an album right now with Will.i.cant and Hit-Boy, and when it's done she wants to move her mouth and barely wave her arms in a world tour.

Fox gave Brit Brit 15 million bags of Andy Capp's Hot Fries (that's $15 million to you and me) to judge bitches who sing better than her on The X-Factor, because they thought it would pull ratings up. It didn't. Ratings actually dropped. Fox is probably the one who cut the strings, because there's no way Daddy Spears would turn down another dump truck full of easy money. All he had to do was sit on the side and gently yank on her leash whenever she started to get the sleepies while judging. $15 million buys a lot of boxes of Velveeta, so Daddy Spears would never say no to that.

And I think X-Factor should keep it in the Spears family and replace Brit Brit with London Spears. That bitch needs a comeback.

Anne Hathaway told us a million times over that she almost starved to death to play Fantine and her marriage almost ended during filming and if she doesn't win the Oscar for it, a litter of kittens will meet their maker. Anne Hathaway has jammed it deep down our throats that she deserves to win that Oscar and she's said everything she can to embed this into our brains, but now she's trying some reverse psychology shit. Anne, who already said that her performance in Les Miserables made her cry, tells The Los Angeles Times that her version of "I Dreamed A Dream" is about as exciting as giving a handjob to a soft peen. Anne told her director Tom Hooper that she wanted to do at least 12 takes of the song. After the 4th take, Tom told Anne that she did it perfectly, but she still wanted to go for more.

Hathaway insisted Hooper let her perform over a dozen takes of "I Dreamed a Dream," even after he said he'd gotten the perfect performance on Take 4. She wanted to see if she could make it any different, any better, any more — "any anything." But after she'd given 20 more takes, Hooper told her to call it quits.

"And I was like, 'Fair enough.' I never bettered it," she explained.

Asked if she is pleased with the version that appears in the final cut, she shrugged half-heartedly.

"Eh."

Because I'm in Kauai right now and have been told that the one movie theater here reeks of musty ass and the popcorn taste like it was popped with taint grease ("Then you should be ordering that shit by the gallons, Michael K." - you "Good point." - me), I haven't seen Les Miserables yet , but I feel like I don't have to now. Anne Hathaway has talked about it so damn much and jacked herself off non-stop for the past few weeks that I feel like I can say with confidence that it's the greatest performance ever given by an actress. God gave us the sense of hearing and sight just so we can take in the masterpiece performance that Anne Hathaway gives. Burn down every museum and torch every movie ever made, because Anne Hathaway's performance is the only piece of art that modern civilization needs.

And if she doesn't win the Oscar, the earth will implode from all of us HAHAHAHA-ing at the top of our lungs.

Lindsay Lohan is as pure as a morning dew drop on a freshly bloomed daffodil's petal and her lips are as untouched as a newborn kitten's asshole before it takes its inaugural shit, so of course she wouldn't want to dirty herself up by kissing on a wart-ridden, sore-covered, filthy bag of sucio. TMZ says that Lindsay Lohan's scenes with Charlie Sheen for Scary Movie 5 were the most terrifying scenes ever written in the history of scene writing, because the script called for them to touch mouths at least three times. They didn't touch mouths three times, though. They barely touched mouths at all, because LiLo refused to kiss Charlie. LiLo knows where Charlie's mouth has been, because her skank mouth has been to some of the same places.

TMZ's source says that on shooting day, Charlie and LiLo got into bed together and he was down to smear his crack smoke-covered lips all over the rubber slugs on her mouth, but she wouldn't do it. They both put their signatures on a release saying that they didn't have cold sores on their mouths, but she still wouldn't kiss him and nobody knows why. TMZ's source says that before they even started shooting, LiLo told her friends that she didn't want to mouth hump on Charlie. Even if Charlie marinated his lips in vodka for 12 hours she wouldn't want to kiss him. Even if Charlie removed his dentures and put in teeth made of cocaine she wouldn't want to kiss him. LiLo didn't want any of that.

They tried to use a body double (aka horny ass White Oprah), but it didn't really work so most of the kissing crap was cut out.

I know this is like the oozing open sore saying "Don't get near me, you're gross!" to the oozing open sore, but you still have to give it to Lindsay Lohan. Bitch was probably snorting kitty litter cut with coke off of Charlie's crusty taint in his dressing room, but when it came time to kiss him in front of people, she suddenly grew standards. She basically called Charlie a nasty bitch in front of everyone and he still gave her $100,000. Ho is delusional, but you can't hate her hustle. Besides, Charlie should know that most smart whores never kiss on the mouth. Now if the scene called for LiLo to kiss Charlie's other lips, it would've been a different (and more horrifying) story.

It's been three long ass years since LeAnn Rimes broke her marriage vows to her husband Dean Rainbow Sherbert by breaking her coochie on Eddie Cibrian's taken dick and she's still weeping about it in front of cameras. During an interview with fellow praying mantis Giuliana Rancic for an E! special about her life, LeAnn continued to milk her affair with Eddie for attention and pushed out invisible tears while talking about it. Giuliana asked LeAnn why did she act on her horniness for Eddie while they were both married, and instead of being truthful by saying she wanted some good dick and he wanted a checking account full of gold, she said this (via UsWeekly):

"That is a huge question. I never, ever in my heart want to hurt anyone. But . . . I don't think anything can separate anything that's super-connected. You might have had so many wonderful things with each other's spouses in your relationship, but something along the way broke that. You can't break what's broken already. No one . . . will ever understand how much thought and hurt, even towards each, other were put into our decision [to divorce our spouses and stay together]."

This is how much thought was put into their decision to divorce their spouses:

"DIS DICK IS GOOD!" - LeAnn

"DIS MONEY IS GOOD!" - Eddie

The End.

But seriously, LeAnn needs to stop fake crying about this shit in interviews and on Twitter and put it all in album of songs like any self-respecting attention whore does (see: Taylor Swift).

If you need to see LeAnn ugly cry while talking about this, watch the clip below:

When she cries she looks like a blob fish trying to sneeze and I don't think I've stared at someone's nostrils as hard as I stared at LeAnn's during that clip. Do LeAnn's nostrils always look like that or do they just look extra wonky when she fake cries?

Bottom shelf porn star turned gay-for-pay gold digger Nick Gruber was Calvin Klein's leased toy for a little over two years and now he's writing a tell-all book about his time in CK, because he thinks everyone wants to know the details of how he licked Calvin's overcooked ham hocks for fancy gifts. Nick gave Page Six Magazine (via WOW Report) a little taste of what's in the tell-all and it's pretty hilarious.

Nick says that even though Calvin Klein bought him a $250,000 Bentley sports car and kept him in a West Village penthouse, he never once asked for a dime and has never used anybody for money (HAHAHA #1). Nick was in the army when he met Calvin and the sweet scent of easy money and formaldehyde made him quit. Nick used that whole "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" shit to his advantage by telling his first sergeant that he was gay, which got him discharged (HAHAHA #2). Nick was living the high life with Calvin for two years and then the beginning of the end came when a friend stayed the night with him. Calvin's housekeeper ratted on a bitch and then this happened:

“Calvin picked me up in his car, drove me down to the Holiday Inn in Chelsea, and we went downstairs in the basement of the hotel. He made me take a lie-detector test. I passed it. And then, you know, things were much better. But I mean, what kind of partner would make you take a lie detector test?”

What partner would make you take a lie detector test? The kind of partner who practically bought your ass. Nick claims he's straight, so he was only slurping on Calvin's 60-something slow cooked dick (you know the meat just falls off the bone) for money. That makes him Calvin's employee pretty much and Calvin had to make sure nobody else was touching his shit. (Side note: If you're a professional kept bitch and you break your ass or bruise your peen on the job, do you get worker's comp?)

Nick, who's got a new sugar daddy in California, says that he knows he'll always hold a special place in Calvin's heart:

"I was the first man [Calvin] fell in love with. I don't know why, but there's, like, something about me that attracts everyone. I have a nickname called Romeo. I get every girl, and even guys. Something about me draws them all in."

Romeo is right. I'm drawn in, aren't you? Let's all put our laundry money together and rent Romeo for one night. We'll just sit back and stare at him as he casually flashes his freshly waxed armpit while lying against a grand piano.

Oh, and Calvin took back that $250,000 Bentley after they broke up. But at least Nick got to keep those new teeth in his mouth and when his current sugar daddy bought him a BMW motorcycle, he made sure the title was in his name. The gold digger is finally learning how to gold dig the right way.

Usually, John Travolta's the one who needs a healer to massage the pain away (example: "I've got an ailment in my anus. Can you knead it out?" - John Travolta), but he recently used his Scientology powers to magically heal a car crash victim's broken ankle.

John tells the Scientology publication Celebrity Magazine (via Celebuzz) that when he was in Shanghai for some work stuff, he met a man who was suffering from ankle pain and he rebuked the OWWWs from the dude's body using a technique called an "assist." The name of a Scientology healing technique would have the word "ASS" in it. John said this craziness:

“I was in Shanghai recently at a work event and the Master of Ceremonies’ best friend had recently gotten into a car wreck. He had broken his ankle and was in constant pain. I asked him permission to do some Scientology assists and he said, ‘Okay sure’. People were standing around watching as I did them. You could actually see him confronting the pain and after a while he looked up at me and said ‘I feel better’ so I said ‘Okay end of assist.’ He had gotten noticeably better and I was chomping at the bit for more.”

Celebuzz says that according to the Scientology handbook, an assist is "a process whereby a Scientologist helps an individual to heal himself — or to be healed by another agency — by removing his or her reasons for precipitating and prolonging his condition and lessening their predisposition to further injure themselves or remain in an intolerable condition."

What a fancy and technical explanation! Let me put it into words we can all understand. Basically, during this particular Scientology assist, John Travolta pressed his fingers and the tip of his tongue on specific pressure points on the man's dick. In between pressing his tongue against pressure points on the man's peen, John told him to channel that pain from his ankle up into his nutsack. As John continued to rub those pressure points, he told the man to release that pain out of his dick hole. John rubbed harder and faster while shouting, "Shoot that pain paint, good man! Let it out!" Then after the man released the pain, John said, "End of assist."

And no, I didn't just write Scientology gay porn starring John Travolta. I wrote about a medical procedure. Get your brain out of the gutter. But seriously, that man only said he felt better, because he wanted John Travolta to get away from him.

And every time you give a hand job, you need to stand back up and say, "End of assist." That's a good line!

When are the police going to stop unjustly arresting Lindsay Lohan and start investigating the ongoing crack hunt campaign to take her down? That 8-ball in her pocket? That's not her 8-ball, because that's not her pocket. Those aren't even her pants! She's never seen those pants in her life and doesn't know how they got on her body. That stolen necklace dangling out of her snatch? That's not even her snatch. It's the black kid's snatch! That baby in a stroller she almost ran over? That baby hurled itself and its stroller in front of her car! LiLo doesn't commit crimes, crimes are committed against her. Everyone is out to get her. I bet even the police are in on it. Shit, the police are probably reading this. You should take your laptop into the bathroom and turn on the shower while you read this, so the police won't be able to see it.

Of course, Lindsay Lohan didn't punch that Florida psychic on Thursday morning. Tiffany Mitchell isn't the victim here, LiLo is. According to TMZ, LiLo is telling her friends that Miss Cleo's apprentice offered LiLo a free reading at the club and after she turned the psychic down, the psychic's friends started crowding around her fancy purse, which was sitting on a nearby table. LiLo thinks they were trying to snatch her Celine purse and you can't thieve from a thief, so she got in Tiffany's face. LiLo says she did call her a "gypsy," but she didn't know that's a racial slur. LiLo never put her fist on Tiffany's face and thinks she was set up.

Page Six has a different story. Their source says that LiLo thought Tiffany and Tiffany's friends stole Ali Lohan's purse, which had $10,000 cash in it. So LiLo confronted them about it. The source went on to say some shit:

“Lindsay was saying, ‘I was trying to find out who stole Ali’s purse! I gave her the money for my family, to pay for my brother’s school fees!’ Lindsay says she never hit the girl. She just went over to find if they had her sister’s purse. They were looking around the area, but the girl was sitting at the table, and some pushing started. Lindsay says the purse was never found. She’s desperate to find where the money is.”

Oh yes, $10,000... That's funny, because that's the exact amount crack whores accuse the police of taking from their change cup when they're arrested outside of a 7-Eleven.

And as we all laugh at this mess, I'm sure that a gang of little black kids wearing Lindsay Lohan masks are counting ten thousand dollars in their super villain lair. The TAKE THAT CRACKIE DOWN mission is going according to plan. I bet Latarian Milton is their leader.