Why Are You Pulling My Dick?

While you're sitting in your cubicle this afternoon eating your lunch of ramen noodles, stale popcorn and tap water, don't think about how much The Hills twats makes per episode. Well, unless you want your bowels to burst. If that's the case, think away!

The Daily Beast got a hold (*cough*Spencer's flesh beard faxed it them*cough*) of a contract which states what everybody on The Hills makes per episode. Get ready to pop the Pepcid, because here we go:

Lauren Conrad - $125,000 per episode (her contract also stated that nobody on The Hills could make more than her)
Kristin Calawhateverwhoever - $90,000 per episode
Heidi Montag - $100,000 per episode
Ceiling Eyes - $100,000 per episode
Lo Bosworth - $100,000 per episode
Spencer Twatt - $65,000 per episode
Brody Jenner - $45,000 per episode
Spencer's flesh beard - One bottle of RID and a 2-month supply of Veet
Staci the Bartender - Two morning after pills and a 10% off coupon to the free clinic

And there you go! It's hard for me to fully hate, because these bitches are making money for doing absolutely NOTHING. Seriously, they aren't even flexing one brain cell (for those who have one). They get paid a ton of cash to go to fake lunch, talk about fake things, sit at their fake jobs and partake in fake relationships. But they are gittin' that cash...I guess.

However, it would be a lot cheaper for MTV if they simply painted a coat of paint on the wall and filmed it drying. It would have the same effect and only cost them $20 MAX. I'd even give them the Lowe's gift card my mom gave me for Christmas.

With all that being queefed, I will be watching the season premiere tonight. Yes, I AM THE PROBLEM!!!!!

The wart hogs of the world can breathe a sigh of relief tonight, because Khloe Kardashian will not be out hunting them at midnight like usual. That's because she'll be too busy barfing up the essence of holy matrimony! Khloe Kardashian is officially someone's wife! Actually, the wedding might have been just for show since they haven't worked out the prenup yet. Anychynasclitistinglingoverthis...

People confirms that Khloe Kardashian married Lamar Odom in Beverly Hills tonight after dating for about three and a half minutes. The two became husband and beast in front of 250 guests including Ryan Gaycrest, Kelly Osbourne, Kobe Bryant, Lara Spencer, Chelsea Handler, Lala Vasquez and a dozen cameras from E!. Yes, it was as intimate as Katie Couric's colon exam.

Khloe was walked down the aisle by Bruce Jenner, his old face, Kim Kardashian, Kim's fat ass and Kourtney. She wore a gown made by Vera Wang and the guests gave her an A+++ for her tuck game. Khloe's bridesmaids included her two half-sisters Kendall and Kylie who entertained the weddings guests with their pole dancing skills.

The wedding went off without a hitch. Well, there only one awkward moment. When white doves were released during the ceremony, Khloe jumped up into the air, caught one with her mouth and bit its head off. It's instinct!

Let's all stick our asses up in the air and fart one out for the newest spokescouple for marriage and true love! I'm sure they'll prove us hating bitches wrong (no they won't).

At an Emmy Awards party on Sunday night, Chloe Sevigny and Jason Segel were spotted with their tongues down each other's throats. That's what E! claims anyway. When the two finally wiped the slobber off of their faces and realized hos were staring at them, they stopped. A few hours later, they left the party together and probably did The Brown Bunny somewhere else.

This is some weird shit. It would make more sense if you said Betty White and Jason Segel were doing each other on the sofa. Shit, Chloe Sevigny and Betty White scissoring each other in the bathroom wouldn't throw up a question mark over my head. But Chloe and Jason?! Did they pull out each other's keys from a hat or something? Weird.

But I don't blame Chloe, Jason is probably hung like a pug at the beach.

Last week, Life & Style took us into the world of 3-year-old Shiloh Jolie-Pitt (smells like paninis and plane fuel). This week, they take us into the world of these two heavy flow maxi pads. Yeah, where's the Chinatown bus that goes back to Shiloh's world, because I CAN'T with these twats!

Khloe and Kim are queefing about how they lost a ton of weight by using some stupid crap called QuickTrim (PLUG! PLUG! PLUG!) and "exercising." They both blabbed about how they want to tone up more, but are happy with their bodies. BLAH! Then Khloe farted that she lost 25lbs and is a size 6 now. Kim said she weighs 114lbs. 114lbs total, not just her ass. Yeah, I know.

We would all lose 25lbs in a quick minute if we constantly ate up the diet supplement known as Vitamin COKE and spent the day sweating like a pig from chasing relevancy. And Khloe's thighs only look like that because they were slathered with Photoshop jelly.

(Image VIA Cover Awards)

18-year-old South African runner Caster Semenya (Or Castration Semen to those of us with the humor of a 10-year-old. YAY!) won the women's 800-meter last month in Berlin and had to basically put her vagina under a microscope to prove that she was born a female. The committee had reason to believe that Caster might have a case of the Lady GaGas. Well, Caster has decided to drag it up on the cover of South African magazine You, but said she only did it to have a little fun. And if you say otherwise, Caster will choke your ass with her Hulk-like claws.

Caster told the magazine, “I didn’t do this to prove a point but rather to have fun. I don’t give a damn what people say about me. I like me the way I am and who cares what other people say?”

I'll give Caster a pat on the peen...I mean....back for that! Let Caster have a little drag fun. But she does look like a Wayans brother dressing up like a Williams sister dressing up like the Joker for an In Living Color skit. Not the best look.

And if You Magazine is in the business of giving feminine makeovers, they should tackle Khloe Kardashian and Brooke Hogan. Those two dudes need it more than Caster!

VIA The Mirror

Hollywood has been trying to eff with Heathers for a while now. Winona Ryder was yapping about a sequel for a long time, then there was talks about a remake and now comes the worst idea of all worst ideas. Heathers: THE TV SHOW! This is obviously Hollywood's way of fucking us slowly with a chainsaw.

Variety brings us the bad news. They report that Mark Rizzo and Jenny Bicks (a writer from Sex and the City) are working together on this crap. They plan to update it and bring back all the characters from the movie. The casting alone is making me vommy. They are totally going to destroy us all by casting Ashley Jizzdale, Tater Head Willis, that Kristin Calamari chick from The Hills, the Miss Lolitas and one of the Jonas hos.

Can we just declare Heathers a historical site, which means evil bitches can't renovate it or fuck with its foundation? If that's not possible, somebody pour chocolate syrup all over Heathers: The TV Show and tell Martha Dumptruck dessert is served!

South African runner Caster Semenya (hehehe...she has semen in her name...hehehe) won the gold in the women's 800-meter at the World Championships in Berlin last night, but officials may snatch (peen, I mean, pun intended) away her victory if it turns out she's really a dude. Some hos think that 18-year-old Caster might have some man in her, so they are forcing her to undergo a series of gender tests performed by a bunch of doctors and experts.

Officials say they don't believe that Caster cheated by having a sex change, but they think she has a "medical condition." Basically, they think she has both male and female chromosomes (aka a case of the Lady GaGas). If the test results reveal that Caster is a dude, they will strip her of her gold medal. They haven't said what will happen if she's got a peen and a pooner.

Caster's daddy told a South African paper, "She is my little girl. ... I raised her and I have never doubted her gender. She is a woman and I can repeat that a million times."

You know, this could easily be resolved in a matter of seconds. Just get Tommy Girl to sniff her up and down. If his extra terrestrial peen stays limp like a soggy noodle and his Scientolohole doesn't slobber like a Mastiff, then Caster is 100% WOMAN! It's that easy.

That being said, I'd hit it. Well, bitch has got a hot BODY and I've got an active imagination. Let's do this.

The woman in Tunisia who claimed she was pregnant with 12 babies has turned out to be a fraud with psychological problems. OctoMommy, get back here and stop terrorizing other countries! Unfortunately, you're our problem!

The Telegraph reports that Tunisia's health ministry interviewed the baby faker and quickly determined there was no way she was 9-months pregnant with a litter of 12. A rep for the health ministry said, "Our staff interviewed her at length, but even her pregnancy appears to be in her imagination. The woman has refused point blank to undergo a medical examination. Now we can't even contact her. She's gone into hiding."

The wannabe baby machine's husband has also vanished. The health ministry thinks they were taking a page out of OctoCrazy's book and trying to make a quick dollar.

File this under: BABY WHORING FAIL. Seriously, if you want to be a baby pimp, you're going to need actual babies to turn out! I'm sure they could've rented out a few of OctoMommy's for photoshoots and interviews. OctoMom is open to negotiations.

But at least the baby typhoon isn't as powerful as I thought it was. Phew, I guess.

Booooooo! Hissssssss! I want mah money back! So, yesterday, Gawker posted a short clip of a supposed threesome sex tape starring McSteamy, the Noxzema Girl and some former Miss Teen USA turned drunken lady whore (my favorite kind). Well, the lawyers have attacked and claim they have seen the entire tape and there's no scenes featuring wet parts bumping. McSteamy's lawyer told TMZ: "From what I've seen it's a naked tape, not a sex tape. At most it's 3 people maybe wanting to have sex." I think he was disappointed to. Way to break a boner.

Eric has also issued a statement saying that he did not do intercourse stuff with Kari Ann Peniche (the Miss Teen USA chick). They might not have done sexy shit with each other, but they were definitely getting it on with some kind of pipe or joint, because those hos are riding HIGH.

Kari Ann co-signed Eric's claim that they have never had sex and also added that she thinks she knows how the tape got out. Kari Ann is pointing her Dirty Sanchez finger at Mindy McCready, the country crackienut. Mindy and Kari Ann were roommates after they finished shooting Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab together. MESSES! Kari Ann thinks that Mindy stole her computer's hard drive after they had a fight about money. When Kari Ann noticed that her hard drive was missing, she immediately filed a police report.

TMZ says that Kari Ann, Minday, Eric and the Noxzema Girl all had a meeting last month to talk about the stolen hard drive and the "nekkid" tape. They decided that Eric would get full rights to the tape and that was that....until it made its internet debut.

You know, who really cares about all the petty little details, just give us what we want! Fleshbot promises that they will post the uncensored clip today which features a cameo by Eric's McPeenis. No, we won't see it in action, but at least we get to see it. I know, it's the little things in life. Well, hopefully, it's the BIG things in life...

Just give us the peen already! Genitals everywhere are crying! Don't make our genitals weep!

UPDATE: Fleshbot posted the uncensored clip and every part of me is disappointed. Why do hos film a "nekkid tape" without lighting the goods properly. You can kind of see what Eric is working with, but not really. Get yourself an HD video camera and try again, Eric!

Who in the cookie dough hell is Jennifer Aniston's agent? Maddox on stilts?! Because Jenny's choice of movie roles are not helping her case. First, was The Break-Up, then The Baster and now we have PUMAS (that's sad old maidey-talk for cougars)!!!!

Variety says that Jenny will co-star in the movie about "two thirtysomething women who make a habit of romancing younger men and take a French skiing vacation that challenges their romantic expectations."

Did Jenny not learn anything from watching the trailer for Courtney Cox's Cougar Town?!

What's next? Derailed: The Story of Jennifer Aniston's Love Life or Love Happens, Just Not To Me Or Rumor Has It...That You Married Your Entire Collection of Stuffed Animals.

Maybe Jenny is just irony's #1 customer.