CornNuts

Remember when Courtney Love was traipsing the streets of Beverly Hills with hundreds of "important financial documents" screaming about how someone stole all her money. You know, she was yammering on and on about magical evil trolls that snuck into her wallet and robbed her of millions of dollars. Well, the First Lady of Batshit Crazy got a lawyer to believe her. Yeah, a lawyer will tell you whatever you want to hear as long as you keep that retainer warm and full.

One of Courtney's lawyers told Page Six that a team of investigators and forensic accountants found out that thieves stole around $30 million in cash and $500 million in real estate from Kurt Cobain's estate. Court's lawyer, Scooby Doo, said, "We will be filing civil cases . . . within the next 30 days. There are many, many millions missing. We've only been able to track down $30 million, but there is more. And then there is the real estate. There is now a web of homes which were bought, flipped and used to launder money -- up to $500 million worth. Any of the property we can get back will be donated to people who have lost their homes in foreclosures."

Courtney said she noticed she was broke when all the money was gone. Yeah, that'll happen if you take up permanent residence inside a crack pipe. Court's lawyer said that when she found out she had no more money, she hired people to look into it. The authorities are also involved. Scooby went on to say, "When Mr. Cobain died in 1994, he left his enormously wealthy estate behind for the benefit of his mother, two sisters, a brother, his wife and young daughter. Many of those [involved with] the estate's coffers mismanaged, stole and outright looted it shamelessly."

SPOILER ALERT: You know where all that money went? Up her motherfucking nose! Just like that. Court's nose even knew it was doing some shady shit, so it disguised itself to look like Jacko's penis head. Lock it up.

And I hope this goes to trial eventually, because think of all the amazing moments Court will create on the stand! She will put the loons in all my favorite afternoon court shows to SHAME!

Normally when it's announced that a movie is turning into a gay ass musical spectacular, I get the dry heaves in my asshole, but this shit right here has made my life. Andy Fickman of Reefer Madness fame is putting together a musical based on the 1988 life-changing epic Heathers. Andy, Kevin Murphy and Larry O'Keefe have been working on this shit for a while now. They hope to get it up on Broadway by 2010.

Andy said, "'I love my dead gay son.' If you can get that into a song, then that is just perfect."

Broadway wouldn't be my first choice for this shit. It would be even better if they did it with an all-tranny cast at a dinner theater in Sprinboro, Ohio.

Seriously, think about the possibilities if they don't fuck it up. I mean, dancing BBQ CornNuts, a singing Martha Dumptruck (Andy Milonakis in his stage debut) and a riveting ballad called "Fuck Me Gently With a Chainsaw" (now I know where THEY got the idea)...this might be amazing.

Then again, it also might be a giant puddle of hot vom. And bulimia's so '87.