Farts & Queefs
Since you might have already seen Coco's twat wax on Twitter, why not add another one to the overshare pile. Stick your fingers up your nostrils, because this one smells like microwaved brisket with notes of Hawaiian Breeze Glade. That's also what it smells like when your dignity catches on fire and burns to ash.
Jessica Simpson's assistant, CaCee Cobs, decided to share this picture with her Twitter audience of her boyfriend Donald Faison (of Clueless and Scrubs) releasing a prairie dog into the pond. Naked caca times is no longer sacred.
And this means that it won't be long before Ashton Kutcher Tweets a picture of his asshole getting bleach, or dumb fuck Scott Baio Tweets a picture of his equally dumb fuck wife trying to remove the "lesbian shitasses" from his back with a sandblaster dipped in holy water.
Anyways, here's Donald and CaCee leaving their hotel in NYC yesterday. Based on Donald's thumbs up, I'm guessing everything went well.
And by "as you've never seen her before," I really mean as you've only seen her. Seriously, will somebody clap at Kim Kardassian and tell her to get up off the floor and put on some damn clothes already. The world is not her nudist colony. The minute we go back to the cave man days where everybody ran around the land practically naked, she'll be the first to know.
Anytheroomsuddenlysmellslikepissscentedfarts, here's Kim Kardassian naked and unretouched in Harper's Bazaar. Kim says that she decided to go sans Photoshop to show all the young "curvy" girls out there to be proud of their natural bodies. Says the bitch who has enough motor oil (or whatever) in her face to fill up a dozen cars at Jiffy Lube.
On being a curvy role model: "I feel proud if young girls look up to me and say, 'I'm curvy, and I'm proud of it now."
On having big bitties as a kid: "I was wearing a C cup by the time I was 11. I would go to bed and pray, 'Please, Lord, don't let my boobs grow any bigger. I hated what was happening."
On her supposedly free-range and organic ass: "I'm Armenian. It's normal. My butt is probably not as big as you might think, because I have small legs and a small waist, which makes it appear bigger."
Now I'm not saying that Kim isn't Photoshopped (Yish, I am), but I am saying that she's probably covered with buckets of bronzer and foundation. Zac Efron is going to be pissed when he goes into MAC for the usual and they tell him that Kim wiped them out. Better go rub your face on Kim's ass, Zac.
Gawker took us back to 2006 by posting these pictures from someone's Facebook account of Katie Couric celebrating her new job as the anchor of the CBS Evening News by getting all messy on the dance floor. I've always known that Dan Rather could smash lights with his crotch thrusts, but who knew Katie Couric could pop that asshole like it's Groundhog Day!?
Katie is giving FACE, BOOTY, SPAKLE, FACE in all of these pictures. Homegirl definitely has the sweet nectar running through her veins. AND HOW!
I love how she's just backing her junk up to anything in her way. Make it rain dollars, Katie!
When I heard Mimi was HOsting her own Halloween party in NYC, I figured she would go dressed as a slutty butterfly, a slutty rainbow, a slutty unicorn taxidermy, a slutty Hello Kitty, a slutty Eminem, or a slutty Precious. But Mimi really flipped the world upside down by stuffing her glazed ham hocks and buttermilk biscuits into a slutty angel costume. Such a shapeshifter, that Mimi!
And Mimi's bought-and-paid-for husband really outdid himself by going as one of The Empress of Lucite's vagina drops. Yes, Shauna Sand's lady jizz has angels wings and everything.
Meanwhile, in L.A., Wonky went to Heidi Klum's Halloween party dressed up as a slutty slut slut slut slut slut. You know, wearing Liberace's rhinestone shoe horn on her forehead only points out the brutal fact that one of her eyes is constantly suffering from jizz squint.
And it was a little weird that Doug Reinhardt didn't dress up. He must have gotten his fill the night before.
A while ago there was an episode of The Doctors where they showed us all how to get the sweet nectar in our system on the down low. The key words being "down low." According to the episode, teens are getting their fix by shoving vodka tampons up their snatches and sticking a beer bong up their no-nos. This brings new meaning to the term "drunk pussy."
Well, ABC15 in Arizona says that vodka tampons and anal beer bongs are all the rage with kids as young as 12, because it's a way for them to get boozed without much detection. Stephanie Siete of a substance abuse center in Arizona said, "It's quicker absorption, it's hidden and it's new. For females, they're damaging their reproductive system." Yeah, but they won't notice that their vagina cave is dying a slow death, because they will be waaaaaaasted. Paaaartay while your pussay fries!
Stephanie added that kids in Arizona are also doing it Prince Hot Ginge-style by snorting vodka from the bottle.
Kids these fucking days! When I was 12, we were soooo not hardcore. We just used to get high by freebasing DayQuil and injecting battery acid between our toes.
And yes, getting drunk by sticking a vodka tampon up my ass is tempting, but the last thing I need is another visit to the free clinic. Methinks the "wind blew it up my ass" excuse won't work on them. Besides, who the hell wants to burn up their genitals?!!!! For some whores, the pussy and asshole is their check to cash. So basically you are burning up money! No fuck no.
Someone farted on the 18th hole at the Buick Open this past weekend and it's been blamed on Tiger Woods. In the clip above, Tiger and his caddy are standing around when you can clearly hear a wet, juicy fart coming out of someone's asshole. Tiger and his caddy laughed it off, so everyone figured he's the one who let out a butt belch. But CBS is crying that Tiger's b-hole is not the one!
TMZ says that the hos at CBS swear Tiger didn't fart. Um. How in the hell would they know if Tiger cut the Gruyere? Did they check his chonies for fart residue and butt snot? Did they send in one of their own to sniff on his butt?
I'm sure that on a very special episode of 60 Minutes this weekend, Andy Rooney will get to the bottom of it. Literally.
The answer to yesterday's question, "Why in Vanessa Lutz Hell would anybody fight over Brooke Shields?", has been answered. Sort of. Kind of. Okay, not really. Anyway, two nights ago in NYC, Kiefer Sutherland headbutted Jack McCullough of Proenza Schouler over Brooke Shields. TMZ says it was because Jack bumped into Brooke and didn't apologize.
Police say when Jack knocked Brooke over, Quiefer jumped to her rescue, because that's how he do. He demanded that Jack apologize to Brooke. The two had a few words which escalated into Jack pushing Queefy. Queef responded the only way he knows how, he headbutted that trick. Jack was rushed off to the hospital to get his purdy nose fixed and a police report was taken. This might be a problem for Kiefer since he's on probation in Los Angeles for a DUI.
But wait! The plot thins! Kiefer's damsel in distress, Brooke Shields, has no idea what he's blabbering about. Brooke says Jack did nothing to her and she has no idea why Kiefer gave it to him Jack Bauer-style. Her spokeswhore said, "Jack did nothing inappropriate. It's not clear what caused Kiefer to do what he did."
That's ice ice cold. Brooke and Kiefer made beautiful magic together (the masterpiece that is Freeway) and she acts like she doesn't even know who he is?! Brooke better wear a helmet at all times, because Kiefer is watching and waiting. His forehead has her head's name written all over it. He's ready to headbutt that bitch at any time for doing him wrong like this.
And since Brooke denies any involvement in this, I'm sticking to my Christmas tree theory.
WARNING: This may cause your eyeballs to roll our of their sockets, so hold them down as you read on.
Brangelina has left the townspeople of Oyster Bay, Long Island spellbound by their fantastical beauty. The holy family has invaded the town like a herd of mythical unicorns while St. Angie films a movie. Their presence has caused the town to practically shut down so everyone has a chance to marvel at the two pieces of spectacular art. Read these quotes and you'll know what I'm talking about. Again, hold your eyeballs and keep a barf bag close.
"When you talk to someone who has met them they're kind of glowing. People love saying they saw them. They feel something very special happened to them." - The Oyster Bay Town Supervisor
"They looked out of place because they were so beautiful. They looked like they were airbrushed when they were walking. I went up to Brad and asked if he needed help and he said, 'No thanks.' I was looking at him but I don't really remember it – it was like a dream." - Katherine Pastore, a manager at Stop & Shop
"She was in my aisle and everyone was kind of looking at her or going up to her. She looked great. She had on these leggings and sunglasses and signed a few autographs." - a local resident
That shit sounds like it was ripped from a Brangaloonie message board. It's not like they came into close contact with Rojo Caliente or anything. Really, contrary to popular belief, they can't bless you or heal all your ailments by touching you on the forehead. I'm surprised none of their hearts stopped beating from being exposed to that level of grace and exquisiteness.
The people of Oyster Bay should stay inside, because Brangelina's heavenly glow makes everyone FUCKING DUMB AND DELUSIONAL (example: read the quotes above again). Actually, Brangelina should have to stay inside, because they are a health hazard!
The City Council Members of Medina, Ohio really know how to make a shitty meeting even shittier. In this clip, one gassy assy keeps blowing caca bubbles which causes every bitch in the room to laugh. Those are some booming farts. And they sound wet too. I can't.
I watched this crap a zillion times trying to figure out who the culprit is. I've decided it's the pepaw sitting all the way to the left. He isn't moving and it doesn't look like he's laughing. Bitch is too busy trying to squeeze those cheeks to stop the fartery. Or maybe the sound dude left Brit Brit's mic on again. You know her queefs can travel.
VIA Fox 8 (Thanks Ben)