Peen

I don't know what's more shocking, that Brendon and Rachel from Big Brother 12 are still together (or were, I should really type) or that he's dumb enough to flash his dick on Skype without thinking it's going to be broadcast all over the internet? That second question is rhetorical, by the way. Rachel, the hyena whose screeching voice could give a deaf person a migraine, and Brandon, her whipped boyfriend, broke up the other day after she found out he was cyber fucking with at least three pieces.

One of those pieces, released a picture of Brendon's peen puckering up for his web cam and when it came across Rachel's desk she immediately Twatted the girl to get the bottom of EVERYTHING. ONTD has been documenting this ongoing drama and has screencapped Rachel's Twitter plea (which she has since deleted):

Rachel packed up her cases of Feria and carried the pieces of her broken heart all the way back to Las Vegas. While riding in his lonely inner tube for one in the shallow puddle created by Rachel's tears of betrayal, Brendon recorded a woeful public apology for passing his peen on Skype. AHAHAHAHA! This shit is better than the entire season of BB12.

If this monologue was set to music, it would be a Stevie B song. Watch the Ballad of the Sad Pussy below:

All of this for just web cam whoring?! How did these two get college degrees when they are permanently stuck in the 9th grade? I swear, Rachel probably made the water in a test tube turn green once and now she thinks she's a fancy scientist!

Oh, and I can totally read your mind. You've been internally screaming "WHERE'S THE PEEN? WHERE'S THE PEEN? WHERE'S THE PEEN?" since this post started. Well, (NSFW) here's the peen! That's a good dick attached to a big fat vagina.

Sometimes it's really the little things in life, or in this case the little circumcised HARD things. CallUsFreaks (via ONTD) posted this priceless picture of Joe Jonas getting closer to a fertility statute in the duty free shop of some airport while Ashley Greene was outside trying to flag down a few paps, or something. You know, when you're walking through a duty free shop and your eyes land on a stone dick, it is your obligation to tickle its nuts while dry banging your culo with the other hand. It just is, so Joe Jonas is totally following protocol.

And here's a few pictures of Ashley and Joe strolling through LAX yesterday. You know Joe is totally thinking about the duty free fertility statue he shared an intimate moment with. Hey, whatever gets you through a photo-op.

Yeah, yeah, I know what you really want is a high-res picture of Keith Richards' Little Mick today, but sadly Gawker doesn't have that one. If you must, take a piece of thin bologna, wrap it around a hot dog, throw it into the microwave, nuke that shit until the smoke monster appears in your kitchen, and voila! You've got instant Keef peen circa 2010.

But Gawker does have a picture from a million years ago of a 22-year-old Keef giving his other head some air. It's just the tip, but that's probably still more than you want to see. Click here to get it (best viewed while listening to Under My Thumb).

Contrary to the rumors that Kanye West's crotch is a silky smooth canvas with the "Creation of Kanye" tattooed on it, Radar reports that he does indeed have a peen. And before Kanye picked out his girlfriends at an Elite casting call, he took pictures of his peen and sent that mess out to possible fuck partners he met on MySpace. The portraits of Gay Fish' gonopodium are now up for sale. Try not to reach for your coin purses at once (that ones goes to you, Tommy Girl AND Gay Al).

Radar, who has seen two of the pictures, says that Kanye is only wearing sunglasses and gold neck chains in one picture. In the other, Kanye's CAPS LOCK COCK is peek-a-booing out of the dick hole in his boxers. A source -ype added this, "These pics have been floating around since he hit so many girls up on MySpace. He probably sent them to many, many women."

While I do believe that staring into the eye of Kanye West's sultan of spiritual sperm will transport me to a euphoric land where all of life's greatest mysteries (Example: Is Kanye's dick as hung as his ego?) will be answered, his shit is the last shit I want to see. Why don't we ever get pictures of hos we actually want to see naked? You know, like Donny Deutsch or Verdine White?!

A site called HotPrisonPals.com (the go-to place for admirers of jail bird dick aka my new homepage) has posted what they say is a completely authentic picture of Mickey Mantle standing around in the locker room with his bare crotch bat and balls hanging out. And yeah, you just said "BATTER UP!!!" out loud. I totally heard you.

The owner of the site Sam Wagner tells Page Six that it was taken in the prime of his career with the Yankees. Sam explained how he got his hands other parts on the picture, "It was sent to me by a photographer who is very famous and I doubt would send me something not authentic. Mickey was such a big slugger. Damn."

After the jump, you can see for yourself if there's a "cut and paste cock" over Mickey's crotch or if that's really all of him. It's NSFW. It's also not safe if John Travolta is near your computer, because his tongue will hit the monitor before you know it and he will not let go. Yes, peen pictures are his frozen metal. JUMP!

Yes, I know you'd rather see the fuck parts of Bret Michaels, or Brett Ratner or even Brett Butler, but genitals are genitals! We have to take what we can get and we have to like it! Bare dick doesn't land on this page every day (or does it?), so we have to cherish it when it does.

Over at Deadspin, they have an interesting video that tells the story of how sometimes retired NFL quarterback Brett Favre tried to get into the chonies of Jenn Sterge, the "Gameday Host" for the New York Jets. When very married Brett was with the Jets he noticed Jenn one day and just allegedly had to get a piece of her. According to Deadspin, Brett started to woo Jenn on MySpace and eventually started to leave voicemails on her phone. After Jenn turned down Brett's offer to tackle her nekkid, he stepped it up by pulling his dick out. All the great romances of our time were ignited by peen pics, so you can't blame Brett for trying.

After the jump is a couple NSFW pictures of what Brett is working with. Deadspin has more pictures and the voicemails. Brett's face isn't in any of the pictures, so this really could be anybody's peen. Because of this, I will refrain from making any "his dick must've retired too" jokes. JUMP!

Playboy has already offer Jersey Shore's JWoww $400,000 to fully bare what a plastic surgeon gave her in the pages of their magazine, and now their little gay brother Playgirl wants Vinny to take off his Ed Hardy chonies for $30,000. So while JWoww is driving around in a Bentley she bought with her Playgirl money, Vinny can follow her in his brand new fully equipped Kia Sorrento! Kias get better mileage, thankyouverymuch.

Daniel Nardicio of Playgirl tells Life & Style's Scene Queens that they put out the offer to Vinny after Snooki said on an episode of Jersey Whores that smooshing him was like putting a "watermelon into a pin hole." Snooki is already the side of a watermelon, so my guess is that Vinny's dick is bigger than her. Snooki normally looks like an Oompa Loompa, but when Vinny stuck it in she swole up like Violet Beauregarde. More like a garden snake eating a water buffalo.

Playgirl is not stopping there either. They also want to make a rubber replica of Vinny's watermelon cock through their company Clone-A-Willy. They will give Vinny a cut of the profits.

If Vinny has a dick that could break the fruit weight at a grocery store then Playgirl better up their offer. They paid Levi Johnston $150,000 and he didn't even show one peen lip. Vinny should charge by the pound.

And if Vinny gets sick of weak hos complaining that his "dick so large" situation leaves them with broken hip bones and sore throats (even though they didn't give him oral), then he needs to call up Medusa:

I'm going to keep this short unlike Brian Williams' peen. Basically, the man who gives you the news every night on NBC has a big dick. Dick so big that he could give the NBC peacock a concussion just by whipping that shit out. Dick so big that they have to put bricks under his anchor desk to elevate it and make room for his gigantic bulge. Dick so big that most bitches refer to it as Cockefeller Center. HD dick. You get the picture.

Brian Williams talked to Andrew Goldman for Elle Magazine about all sorts of shit and they eventually touched on the topic closest to every rich preppie's Brooks Brothers-covered heart: KHAKIS! Brian said that he can only wears pleated khakis, which led Andrew to put 2 inches and 2 inches and 2 inches and 2 inches and 2 inches together:

ELLE: Your daughter Allison recently graduated from Yale. What have you done that has most mortified her?
BW: There’s no question that I have an inner Clark W. Griswold. So I have a deal with my wife and two kids that when my shorts move out of the mainstream, or when I wear any pants product that can be construed as a “man jean,” I am to be told. You notice how pleated khakis have become a huge social divider? You see the fashion-forwards going to a plain front, and then you see the pleated community seemingly unaware of this trend change.

ELLE: You still see a lot of pleats in Washington.
BW: DC sometimes lags. Obama’s still rocking the pleated pants.

ELLE: I actually have a close friend in DC who still wears pleats. His wife confessed to my wife that he couldn’t move to flat fronts because his penis was just too large.
BW: Well, I’m with him. It’s a huge issue. Kidding!

Brian Williams is a serious journalist so he should know very well that you should never EVER say the word "kidding" when it comes to peen size. That's a law. But I do like where this is going. We should all know the dick size of every news dude on TV. You know what that means? The penis ruler is in your court, Mah Boo Anderson Cooper. I'll hold the towel up.

via New York Observer (Thanks John H.)

On Hung, Thomas Jane plays a gym teacher who makes thirstay ladies max out their credit cards so that they can get a taste of his Tommy Lee-sized peen. But in real life, Thomas Jane's dick isn't exactly tearing condoms or vaginas. Men's Fitness asked Thomas if his penis situation is filed under "Jon Gosselin" or "Chyna," and he said:

"I'm a textbook average guy. I'm 5'10", I wear a model suit size -- 40 regular, 32-inch waist pant -- and a size 10 shoe. Everything about me is prototypical. Everything. I even have a right-down-the middle-exactly-average dick."

FINALLY, there's a journalist out there who asks the important questions! Who really cares what Thomas' acting process is or where he grew up. WHO CARES! What we really want to know is if doing sexy times with Thomas feels like fucking Mini-Me or like giving birth to Mini-Me in reverse?

via HuffPo (Thanks Stacy)

Since every day is Peenerday, here's a few pictures of Luke Wilson's willy floppity flop flop flopping around during a jog in Malibu this past weekend with his two-faced dog friend. Yeah, I know you would rather see pictures of Flip Wilson's peen print, but let's just take what we can get!

And if you look at Luke's wang of glory long enough, it'll pucker its lips at you. Yes, I've been doing that all morning. Yes yes, I'll go lie down now.