Dancing With The Has-Beens

Who thought it was a good idea to stuff Bristol Palin into a TG Fabulicious costume and push her out onto the dance floor? "Oh, Bristol has the rhythm of an empty toilet paper roll but maybe this FOOLISH GORILLA SUIT will help her moves." It didn't. That is the saddest dancing gorilla I have ever seen. That gorilla must suffer from cataracts, Meniere's disease and a chronic case of constipation. Poor thing. Even Dian Fossey would recommend euthanasia for that tortured gorilla.

But when Bristol ripped off the monkey suit, her dancing really wasn't even better. While her partner jumped around like a gay grasshopper on a trampoline, Bristol was Zzzzzz on arrival. And the judges once again stamped the mark of Satan on Bristol by giving her a 6-6-6. They need to give her a one-way ticket on an inner tube headed for Alaska is what they need to do. Well, she gave us a SAD GORILLA DANCE! That is unacceptable!

Before Michael Bolton and his Magic Ken earring were told to walk the damn plank, Brooke Burke showed what she says is evidence that the audience booed at the judge's scores and not Sarah Palin. The YouTuber who uploaded the clip above is not buying it and still thinks those boos were made specifically for Sarah Palin's ear holes. Put your monocle up to the screen and decide for yourself. Or you can get me a box of Boo Berry, because that's all I've been thinking about since this boo controversy started. Yes, my mind is always sitting at a breakfast nook circa the 1980s waiting for a fucking bowl of Boo Berry.

And if you're a friend or family member of an ABC executive, there's no reason to send out a search party to find them. They've been locked up with the other executives circle jerking to this "Boo-Gate" shit since Monday night. Every possible boo for Palin, is a stroke for an ABC exec!

Right after Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough got their scores on Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never-Wases last night, the audience started launching boos off their tongues. Some think that the BITCH BOOM BYES were directed at Jennifer's score, but others say that the boos came out when Sarah Palin made her way to her chair to be interviewed by Tom Bergeron.

Personally, I don't think they were shitting on either of those. No, they were obviously giving their opinion of Brooke Burke's clear plastic dress straps! Only contestants in the Ms Senior Sweetheart pageant or underage prostitots whose parents would get arrested if they slipped a nip should be allowed to wear clear plastic dress straps.

Yes, I realize that the straps were there to prevent a wardrobe malfunction that could result in a dick slap from the FCC, but there had to be a better way to hold up her dress. The Hoff isn't doing anything. He would've held up her dress for a couple of drink tickets at Bennigan's. Just say no to clear plastic dress straps. No matter what bitches tell you, they are the enemy.

So anyways, there's not much to say about last night's episode. Bristol didn't give birth to anything, The Situation didn't infect the audience with any STDs (or did he?) and MOP HEAD didn't fuck her partner's peen with her back fat even though that's the only thing she was thinking about. Unfortunately, none of those things happened but this did:

Michael Bolton is my new favorite! Michael reenacted his kinky sex games with Nicolette Sheridan by crawling out of a damn dog house! Michael has brought many a dry vaginas out of menopause with his voice and there he is crawling out of a dog house! If that wasn't bad enough, then he started dancing.... Dude looked like a pepaw with chronic crotch cramps trying to hit it from the back. Michael for the win (even though he's totally going back to the easy listening section from which he came from).

via ONTD

"For you, this is virgin territory" is what DWTS judge Bruno said to "teen advocate" Bristol Palin right after she moved around on the dance floor with her partner Mark Ballas. Bruno is truly a gift, because you know that line has been marinating on the tip of his unicorn tongue ever since he found out that Bristol was a contestant. I'm no Sookeh Stackhouse, but I could still read the minds of every trick in that audience. They were all thinking the exact same thing: TOO EASY. And Bristol herself made it too too easy (Bruno wrote that line).

First of all, Bristol danced to "Mama Told Me (Not To Come)." Mama should've told Levi not to cum. IF ONLY. But that song has always bothered me, because what kind of creepy ass mama cares if her child experiences the pleasure of a jizz bust or not? Focus on your own cum, mama!

Second of all, Bristol started off her performance in a bedazzled Sarah Palin-like serious suit and ripped it off shortly after. Bristol is trying hard to shock us, but her execution is shit! What kind of striptease was that?! An amputee turtle could've done a sexier striptease.

I mean, when Bristol let her bun out, she didn't even whip her hair back and forth (Willow Smith is crying into her Converse leggings right now). Doesn't Bristol know that you're supposed to shake the homely out of your hair in order to summon the sexiness? Bristol just stood there like a flaccid dick in a cold shower. She needs to watch more 80s movies where the homely nerd becomes a sex goddess by taking off her glasses and shaking her bun out. This is your homework for the week, Bristol!

With all that being said, Bristol wasn't the worst. I expected her to give us the second coming of Kate Gosselin by stomping around like she's filled with concrete, but she didn't. Michael Bolton took that honor. The judges told Bristol that she showed promise and they gave her a 6-6-6. The Illuminati works in mysterious ways (Second case in point: Sarah Palin used "OVER THE MOON" on her Twitter).

You know who else got a 6-6-6? My personal favorite Florence Henderson! This one's for you, Greg:

As for the rest: The Hoff was as stiff as his drinks, Margaret Cho gave us a remake of the I Love Lucy "Dead Showgirl" episode, Jennifer Grey made me wish she never put her old nose in the corner, The Situation doesn't have smooth moves like Ronnie, and the rest were just fine. And my guess for who won't be picking up a check next week is either The Hoff or Ceiling Eyes.

Here's some pictures from last night's after party. I feel like I need to close the door on thumbnail #1, because I think we're witnessing another conception.

Whenever the new cast of Dancing with the Has-Beens is announced, I always call my mom up to see how many names set off a DING DING DING in her head. If she knows at least 5 names, that means the cast is filled with starry A-listers (this has never happened). Unfortunately, I didn't get to do this last night since I was too busy healing my ear drums with lukewarm oil after watching Godzilla vs. Cloverfield on Bravo.

My guess is that my mother isn't going to recognize 5 names this season either. She probably thinks Bristol Palin is a type of Christmas sausage. Here's the cast:

The Situation: A muscled up guido monkey who will lift up his shirt for you if you give him a treat. Unfortunately, he hasn't learned how to clash cymbals together yet.

Bristol Palin: A teenager from Alaska who gave birth to a baby.

The Hoff: Germany's greatest friend, a cheeseburger's greatest foe.

Florence Henderson: The woman who almost collected Greg Brady's V-card.

Margaret Cho: An expert fuck word hurler who loves to talk about dirty, nasty, sexy shit.

Michael Bolton: The man who sang the songs your mother loves to swish and sway to while holding a plastic cup full of Chateau Diane. Oh, and he used to have a flowing golden mullet that is now the star attraction at the hair museum in Turkey.

Jennifer Grey: Patrick Swayze's forever baby who is allergic to corners.

Rick Fox: Former member of the Lakers and former Mr. Vanessa Williams.

Kyle Massey: He's on the Disney channel or some shit.

Ceiling Eyes: Star of The Hills who has seen more of space than Galileo.

Kurt Warner: A retired NFL quarterback.

Brandy: Monica's arch rival who is not going to like it when the judges make a joke about how her performance was a total car wreck.

The only good that can come of this is if Jennifer Grey pushes Mop Head out of the way and leaps towards the Dollar Tree disco ball trophy. Another good thing that can come of this is if The Situation finds true love with Bristol Palin and proposes to her during the finale while 5 cameras focus on Sarah Palin's face in the audience.

via E! Online

Bristol Palin, The Hoff, Mop Head, The Situation and Ceiling Eyes all sitting in a room together wearing enough sequins to make Johnny Weir's sparkly fart bubbles feel inadequate. No, I did not just to describe a scene to you from the mind of M. Night Shyamalan. This horrific scene might happen in real life...and on live television!

E! News and UsWeekly are both reporting that the next cast of Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never-Wases includes Alaska's most famous teen mom, the Tri-State area's largest supplier of crotch crabs and The Hoff.

Bristol Palin reportedly dumped Levi because he would rather hump on the spotlight than on her, so she's really showing his ass who can hump it harder. E! says that Bristol's deal is already done. Anybody who has seen Bristol's acting debut on The Secret Life of an American Teenager knows that she's more wooden than The Situation's head, so this shit is going to be entertaining.

It's been reported that The Situation, Brandy, The Hoff, Florence Henderson, Troy Aikman Jennifer Grey, Ceiling Eyes and Michael Bolton are all in talks. ABC will announce the full cast on August 30th. This mess of all messes premieres on September 20th, so mark that day on your calendar as the world comes to a crashing end. Yes, it ends on a dancefloor and under a disco ball.

Tony Dovoloni's testicles are breathing a million sighs of relief this morning, because they longer have to suffer through their owner plucking their hairs out one by one to keep from choking Kate Gosselin's neck during rehearsals. That's because Kate was voted out of Dancing with the Has-Beens last night after landing in the bottom 2 with Pamela Anderson.

Yes, Pamela Anderson was in the bottom 2! I know Pamela is used to being on the bottom, but this wasn't right. Pamela is not only one of the best thrusters on the show, but she's also always dressed like a Russian drag queen on a budget which is always a good thing. And you know Evan Lysacek has to dig deep to not step out whenever Tom Bergeron calls out the bottoms. He clenches like he's never clenched before.

Anyways, Kate wiped away her glycerin tears as she gave her finale speech to the judges and the audience. At the exact same time in Pennsylvania, Kate's child army also cried because they realized their mother is coming back home. No, they really cried tears of joy, because their tiny fingers can finally get a break from working the "VOTE FOR KATE" call center every week.

Below is Kate turning on the weepies after getting eliminated. And I think this is the first time in WEEKS that Tony actually has a real boner. The thought of being free of Kate made his peen perk up and celebrate.

If your inbox kept shutting down yesterday like Aretha Franklin's digestive system at an all-you-can-eat Korean BBQ buffet, then it was probably because it got Kate Gosselin's mass e-mail and refused to partake in her fuckery. Even your Norton Virus protection put up its hands, refused to touch it and screamed, "Not doing it. You'll have to bareback this one."

Life & Style got a hold of the e-mail Kate sent to all her friends (She has those?) before last night's episode of Dancing with the Has-Beens. In the e-mail, Kate begs everyone to pass her plea for votes to all their friends. This shit isn't that big of a deal since I'm sure all the contestants do crap like this, but it's funny that Kate continues to blame the media for why she has the dancing skills of an old wheezy paraplegic goat.

Here's Kate stomping her way through "Don't You Forget About Me" in a tribute (insert side-eye from Angel John Hughes here) to The Breakfast Club last night. Fun fact: "Don't you forget about me" is also what Kate texts to every tabloid reporter, entertainment show producer and paparazzo on a weekly basis.

My favorite part is when Kate said she's soooooo tired because her 8 chirruns came to visit her. When she's not blaming all of us, she's blaming THE CHILDREN! Somebody slap her in the mouth with a Pixie Stix and Cap'n Crunch sandwich.

And now it's time for our weekly cunt fest about Kate Gosselin's awkward non-dancing on Dancing for Relevancy! Last night, Kate's tortured partner Tony, who obviously was a kitten killing Nazi in a past life, had to teach her the tango. Kate just couldn't focus on the steps because she was too busy internally dealing with being Kate Gosselin: THE MOST IMPORTANT AND POPULAR WOMAN ALIVE!!!

For serious, Kate actually bitched that she HAS to check her computer every morning to see what the tabloids are writing about her that day. Kate, I'll tell you what my mother told me the last time I complained about barfing up all my internal organs after a night of binge boozing. My mother said to me, "Then stop drinking so much, you idiot!" So if Kate doesn't want to be barfed on, she needs to put the bottle down (aka stop inviting tabloid reporters over for tea and sympathy in the form of a "woe is me" cover story).

Anyway, Kate wasn't as terrible as last week, but that's really not saying much. Kate still dances like she's simultaneously holding in a fart, a queef and a sneeze. While watching Tony drag Kate around the dancefloor, I couldn't help but think of the dudes down in the subway who salsa dance with dummies for coins. Except this dummy has more rhythm and doesn't make you want to tear your ear holes off:

And speaking of wig-wearing dummies, guess who was in the audience last night:

How in the hell did Kim Zolciak get front row, but the hot memaw behind her got second row? The world continues to boggle my mind.

And by "outdo" herself, I mean "outsuck" herself. On last night's Dancing with the (make quote fingers) Stars, Kate Gosselin chose to stomp and stumble to "Paparazzi," because she says she can't leave her house without them swarming around her. If Mady Gosselin were here, she'd tell you that her mom can't leave the house without speed-dialing the paparazzi 15-minutes beforehand.

As expected, Kate was so terrible last night that all you could do was laugh. Just like all you can do is laugh when your construction worker uncle who suffers from fecal incontinence tries to do the Macarena at a wedding. I mean, even Frankenstein's monster has more grace than this. IT'S NOT ALIVE!!!!:

In totally related news, Jon Grosselin will file papers in court asking for primary custody of the child army, as well as spousal support from Kate. Jon will argue that Kate is hardly around to raise the kids since she's off embarrassing herself again on national TV. Jon says that Dancing with the Stars is hurting his kids.

While I agree that Kate's dancing causes damage to anybody with two semi-working eyeballs, Jon shouldn't be in charge of raising a dehydrated turd let alone 8 living children. Obviously, Kate's old possum head should raise the kids.