Dancing With The Has-Beens
This morning, ABC announced the names of the bright shiny has-beens who will pop their pussies for their 16th minute on the new season of Dancing with the Stars. I only squinted my eyes (like Giggy above) and whispered out a "Harpo, who dis woman?" when I read the names Victor Ortiz and Jacoby Jones (the sports dudes, of course). I recognized 9 out of the 11 names. That's not bad. But then again my brain is a pop culture trash heap covered with seagull shit and if the new cast of DWTS was full of sitcom stars from the 80s, I'd recognize every single name on there. So let's see how your ass does. Here's the entire cast with their partners and count the number of question marks your brain gives birth to while reading this list. GO!
Victor Ortiz (professional boxer ) and newcomer Lindsay Arnold
Kellie Pickler (calamari expert) and real-life twirling Ken Doll Derek Hough
Wynonna Judd (country beauty) and Tony Dovolani
Ingo Rademacher (Jax from General Hospital) and Kym Johnson
Zendaya Coleman (Disney girl) and Valentin Chmerkovskiy
Andy Dick (MESS with a capital MESS) and Sharna Burgess
Lisa Vanderpump (Giggy's mom) with newcomer Gleb Savchenko
Aly Raisman (Olympic gymnast) with Mark Ballas
Dorothy Hamill (hair icon) with Tristan MacManus
D.L. Hughley (comedian) with Mop Head
Jacoby Jones (NFL player) with Karina Smirnoff
Maksim Chmerkovskiy, Anna Trebunskaya, Chelsie Hightower and Louis Van Amstel are all out this season and Maks is acting like he's never coming back. I hope this means that Maks is going to quit ballroom dancing to focus on his true calling, gay porn.
There's only two reasons to watch the new season of Dancing with the Whos. The first reason is to see what Giggy is wearing. The second reason is to see Andy Dick being a mess. I will be severely disappointed in Andy if he doesn't piss on the floor and flash a dude in the front row during his first dance. I also hope he shows up as Kathy Griffin's twin Daphne Aguilera at least once.
Hans Solo's long lost daughter and gold medal-winning soccer player Hope Solo has an autobiography out called Solo: A Memoir of Hope and in it she writes about how during rehearsals for Dancing with the Has-Beens, her partner Maksim Douchekovskiy regularly busted some Fifty Shades of Grey shit on her ass by slapping her around. Anybody who watches Dancing For Relevancy knows that Maks is a grade A asshole and a come-to-life Axe Body Spray bottle who sometimes handles his partners like they're made of Beanie Baby sand and Toaster Strudel frosting packets (I'm talking about Kirstie Alley).
UsWeekly has the piece in question from Hope's book and she claims that Maks slappity slap slap slapped her hard in the face (and other parts) to get her to do the right moves:
"He manhandled me in rehearsals from the start, pushing me, whacking my stomach, bending my arms roughly. I thought that was just how it went -- how dancers worked with each other. But it kept getting worse. One day, Maks was trying to put me in a certain position and hit my stomach so hard with his open palm that I had a red handprint there for the rest of the day."
Hope says that she never told the producers about how Maks Riverdanced on her face with his hands, because she didn't want to screw up his career and she felt the tabloids would flip it and call her a whiny diva bitch. That's Hope's side and Maks, of course, is farting out the opposite.
Maks is saying that Hope is SoLOW (it's Friday, leave me alone for that one) for manufacturing fake scandalousness to sell her book. Maks doesn't understand why Hope would just make shit up, because they've stayed friendly since the show ended and she even invited him to see Team USA play at the Olympics. Maks tweeted this message yesterday and it's pretty obvious that he's talking about Hope:
Always hated hypocrites and liars...but when someone is both AND an opportunist, I just feel bad for them. Can't win at someone's expense...
Who to believe?! Let's roll that not-so-beautiful bean footage. Skip to around the 1:15 mark to watch Maks getting a little rough with Hope before having a twat bag hissy fit and storming out of the room. The gay Ken Doll angel Derek Hough flies in to soothe Hope.
This is why Abby Lee Miller from Dance Moms needs to be on Dancing with the Never-Wases and this is why Masks needs to be her partner. The minute Maks raises a hand to her, she'll pour Arby's horsey sauce on his wrist, bite it off and force him to continue dancing with her. "("I'll just hold the stump, bitch! Stop crying! Be professional!" - Abby Lee Miller) And she won't even let Maks take a break to call bionic arm maker Sun Jifa with his other hand .
Today on Good Morning Amurica, ABC announced the newest cast of questions marks and has-beens who will shake their nipples off either a much-needed check, a defibrillator pad to their flatlining career or both!
That headline is sort of sprinkled with lies, because I recognize 9 out of 12 of these "stars," but I stuff my head with all kinds of useless shit instead of shit I should probably know. Like I can tell you the first and last name of all the cast members from Rags to Riches without IMDBing for a clue, but if you asked me what my dad's birthday is, I'd make the same face White Oprah makes when someone asks her the names of her sons (aka the leeches who don't contribute to her gin fund).
I know a lot of the hos on the new cast of Dancing for Relevancy, but if you haven't turned your brain into a dilapidated pop culture junkyard like I have, you probably don't know a lot of them. So let's play a game. If you know the ho, then you know the ho. But if their name makes you squint while brain burping out a question mark, then they're officially a stranger bitch. Let's play!
Star: William Levy, Cuban hot piece who should be ordered by the United Nations to never wear clothes for peacekeeping purposes.
Partner: MOP HEAD (Damn that bitch)!
Verdict: I know that ho. I know that ho so well that I can sketch his peen print from memory.
Star: Sherri "The German" Shepherd, flat world advocate and one of the screeching hyenas on The View.
Partner: Val Chmerkovskiy
Verdict: I know that ho and I curse the day that I could say that shit with confidence.
Star: URKEL (government name: Jaleel White)
Partner: Kross Eyed Kym
Verdict: I know that ho and he better dance as Myrtle Urkel.
Star: Martina Navratilova, tennis icon and legendary lez.
Partner: Tony Dovolani
Verdict: I know that ho and I already have a fever from picturing the glamour she's going to give us in rhinestones and feathers.
Star: Jack Wagner, the breaker of Heather Locklear's fragile heart!
Partner: Anna Trebunskaya
Verdict: I know that ho and he better Rumba to All I Need at least once every week.
Star: Donald Driver, football dude.
Partner: Peta Murgatroyd
Verdict: Stranger bitch. I know a lot of packers, but none of them are from Green Bay or wherever this dude is form.
Star: Maria Menounos, some EXTRA (extra being the key word) ho.
Partner: Derek Hough
Verdict: I know that ho.
Star: Roshon Fegan, one of Mickey Mouse's hos and star on some show called Shake It Up.
Partner: Chelsie Hightower.
Verdict: Stranger bitch.
Star: Gavin DeGraw, a member of the John Mayer tribe and a Guinness World Record holder for being the only dude on the planet who still wears newsboy caps past the age of 30 and under the age of 65.
Partner: Karina Smirnoff Ice.
Verdict: I know that ho and I can't wait to see the disco ball lights ricochet off of his epic forehead.
Star: Glady Knight, no description of her skills needed.
Partner: Tristan MacManus
Verdict: I know that ho.
Star: Katherine Jenkins, opera singer.
Partner: Mark Ballas
Verdict: Stranger bitch
Star: Melissa Gilbert, star of Hollywood Wives: The New Generation!
Partner: Maksim Douchekovisky
Verdict: I know that ho.
So even though this is probably one of the worst casts ever, there's only 3 stranger bitches among them for me. Not bad. Hopefully, ABC makes up for this shit cast by putting William Levy in a Spandex dong hammock (and keeping Sherri Shepherd out of anything Spandex) every week.
Never mind that Cher had John Travolta's Battlefield Earth wig on top of her head, I think my heart burped out a warm feeling last night when her eyes got covered with a shiny layer of pride after watching Chaz Bono twist his shit to the Rocky theme song on Dancing with the Stars. It's the same look I made when I read that there's an IHOP in the East Village now. Cher's got that Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity twinkle in her eye.
Cher beaming with pride through her face reminds me of the time that my mom gave me a "good job" hug after my 3rd grade recorder recital even though I stopped blowing halfway (insert your "how times have changed" joke here) and sat my quitting ass down. Just proud as all shit to see their child up there. Chaz and Lacey Schwimmer get an A for effort and they also get a very special A for delivering one of the messiest performances of the night. It was like watching a Fourth of July-themed Scion commercial starring those dancing hamsters.
I don't care if reading one of Cher's Tweets makes me feel like a blind person trying to read Braille written in chewed-up dot candies, when I uncross my eyes and finally see what she's trying to say it makes my everything. Picturing Cher in her don't fuck with me boots spiking Kim Kartrashian in the triple dirty diaper ass up and down the 405 freeway is a dollop of whipped everything on top of my everything.
When the Kardashian's "fans" (aka Pimp Mama Kris and Baby Mason working overtime in the Kardashian Kommand Kenter) questioned Cher's Tweets, she backpedaled a little, but it was too late. Cher has spoken and she got it right the first time! Kick those bitches down the freeway (which probably looks a lot like throwing a hot dog down a hallway).
And if you're wondering what Cher's child was up to last night, here he is swaying his polyester-slather fupa with Lacey Schwimmer who looked like Donatella Versace looking into a fun house mirror after my 6th grade Antarctica diorama project (featuring sea foam, seals and albatrosses galore) exploded on her. If you told me that Chaz Rumbas as good as Cher operates a keyboard, I wouldn't call you a lie teller.
By now you've probably already pulled out your eyeballs with rusty pliers, marinated them in a pot full of boiling chloroform and shoved them back into your sockets just so you can send a roll of duct tape to the Dancing with the Stars Costume Department Attention: Nancy Grace's Nipple Handler (aka Satan). But coming to Dlisted proves that you hate yourself so you might as well fully hate yourself by getting a second serving of Nancy's NSFW succulent titty pepperoni.
It was only a matter of time before "Nancy Grace nip slip" became the #1 search term on AOL in the ninth circle (Yes, in the ninth circle they only have dial-up AOL with NO SECOND PHONE LINE). Last week, Nancy's chichis were jumping around like her sanity cell trying to find the door marked "Exit" in her brain. It was bound to happen. Nancy's dance partner is a hot piece in every way so you really can't blame her chichis for popping a boner of sorts.
But seriously, Nancy's peek-a-boo nipple plate was a win for three reasons: a) The West Coast cutaway shot of the NOT AMUSED audience members was the perfect response to Nancy's slippery nipple. b) A Nancy Grace nip slip is like a "Who's the sexy bitch now?" wink at Casey Anthony. c) Dancing with the Stars definitely needs more nipple slips (I'm looking at you, Tom Berg). It should really just be Nip Slipping with the Stars.
Here's Nancy doing the Quickstep as her nipple did the Quickjump:
And Nancy's nip might've been the breakout (literally) star of the night, but the runner-up was definitely the hot lady on Tom B's right who got some much-needed camera time before J.R. Martinez's dance:
Must've been hypnotized (or temporarily blinded) by the nipples in the air.
The devil was dancing last night! Literally.
Nancy Grace's daughter, that precious little angel who is already an expert at perfect timing, joined America in giving her mother's TV dance debut two boogers, a nostril hair and a wet finger. Shut down the voting lines, because I can say with complete confidence that Nancy Grace's daughter picks for all of us now. Actually, I take that back. If Nancy's daughter pulls out a juicy hairy dingle, the judges might think that means all her votes go to Nancy.
Slutty Floridian murderesses went wild last night, because the one Luciferling who always has one eye on them had to look away for a minute to seduce the audience at Dancing with the Stars. It was the moment that millions of genitals passed out without help from a chloroform cloth.
The opening package where Nancy Grace swirled her humongous tits around like she was stirring an imaginary witch's cauldron with them was so terrifying that I hope Casey Anthony sees it every time she pulls her eyelids down. And then when Nancy Grace dragged her chichis of destruction out from behind that desk, she looked like Thomas the Tank in Eddie Izzard drag. Like a bewigged Hulk on happy gas.
You know, Nancy does have some rhythm and the Satanic sparkle in her eye told me she was having fun. But that's probably because she used her powers of imagination (and you know she has one of those) to pretend that the dance floor was Casey Anthony's grave.
I give Nancy's performance three mucous drops from her daughter's nose.
Then there was Chaz Bono!
Before the show even started, some "inside source types" whispered around that Chaz's skills were going to make Kate Gosselin look like the spirit of Ginger Rogers slithered up into her asshole to dissolve the stick up there and take over. But Chaz wasn't that bad. As one of my friends said, Chaz dances like Grimace and looks like fat John Goodman in Death of a Salesman, but I was expecting a stiff ball whose out-of-breath wheezes had more rhythm than his moves.
I give Chaz one corroded nugget and a wet hair from Nancy's daughter's nose.
As for which trick will be voted off and melted down into the oil used to run that robot Brooke Burke, do you even have to ask?
I'm surprised George Clooney didn't drop this womp womp trick a long time ago. With the sad way she tries to move her hips, you can tell she's a flop at the strap-on helm.
If this doesn't give you a reason to feed your Labor Day hangover with a morning office cocktail made of Wite-Out, stamp blotter water and the juice of a fermented crab apple left in back of the refrigerator by one of your co-workers, then I don't know what will. ABC poured equal parts Photoshop and sequins into fuckery's asshole and stood back as it shat out these messy promo pictures from the new season of Dancing for Relevancy. These pictures are even more awkward and uncomfortable than the pictures from Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie's wedding. There's more tension in these pictures than there would be at a joint prom between the KKK and the NAACP.
And the whipped dollop of mess on top of all of this is NANCY GRACE! You didn't know your retinas could go flaccid until you laid eyes on Nancy Grace sticking her chichis out and wearing the indescribable hose my abuelita bought from Sanborns in Tijuana. (Seriously, you could use those hos to muzzle a hyena and they would not tear.) Bitch looks like Chris Griffin in low-budget drag to play the lead role in a community theater production of Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Hopefully, this image makes Casey Anthony chloroform herself. Or it could make Casey Anthony try to duct tape those giant baby heads on Nancy's chest. Either way, it's a win for the rest of us.
Here's the rest of this mess of a cast in order: Our Girl Nancy (with Tristan MacManus), Carson Kressley (with Anna Trebunskaya), Chaz Bono (with Brooke Hogan), Chynna Phillips (with a stick of pure cheese), David Arquette (with Kym "Siamese Cat" Johnson), Elisabetta Canalis (with Val Chmerkovskiy), Hope Solo (with Maksim Chmerkovskiy), J.R. Martinez (with Karina Smirnoff Ice), Kristin Cavallari (with Mark Ballas), Rob Kardashian (with Mop Head), Metta World Peace (with some one-legged trick) and Ricki Lake (with Derek Hough).
In case you haven't heard, the bigoted crazies slithered out of their own asses and freaked out all over Facebook, message boards and ABC's site over Chaz Bono joining the cast of Dancing with the Stars. Their argument is that DWTS is a family friendly show (nip slips and all) and is no place for the "LGBT agenda." Little do they know that if you removed the L,G,B and T from Dancing with the Stars, you'd have Shuffleboard with the Stars and they'd only wear polo shirts and sloppy ponytails.
They don't seem to mind that the mutated clown monster who was made from Lucifer's toe jam (see: Nancy Grace) is in the cast, but they're clutching their crucifixes over Chaz Bono. Okay. Buzzfeed has the worst of the worst reactions if that's what you need to see today and below is my personal favorite from Memaw Carol:
OMG - did you hear that Chaz Bono (Sonney & chers) daughter, turned man will be one of the contestants on Dancing With The Stars? Hope he doesn't get a hard on from dancing with his female partner. I hope this message doesn't go to Hollywood! I hope it isn't censored. OMG ...I can't believe I even said this. WHAT the hell, did they attached a dead mans "U know what to this freak"?
Oh, Carol. For someone who thinks she knows a lot about what's going on in Chaz Bono's down below parts, I would think you'd know that he hasn't had a "dead man's U know what" attached to his body yet. But I have a feeling that when you weren't looking somebody attached a dead man's anus over your mouth since what's coming out of it is nothing but tired, old, dusty, grave dirt shit. Maybe you should look into that. And after you do, let's get together to sip tea while we watch for swaying boners on DWTS. I know that's the real reason you watch that shit, Carol. You dirty little filthy bird watcher. Get it while you can, ole' girl!
Chaz Bono's mother Cher also jumped to her son's defense and asked her to Twatter followers to show their support for him:
lovelies! Chaz is Being Viciously Attacked on Blogs & Message boards about being on DWTS!This is Still America right ? It took guts 2 do it
I support him no matter what he chooses 2do! God! will there always be haters! It took COURAGE 2 do dwts ! TG Chaz has an Unlimited supply
Can u guys check out sites & give him your support ? BTW ...Mothers don't stop Getting angry with stupid bigots who fk with their children !
It's times like these that I forgive Cher for typing like a 12-year-old me in an AOL chat room.
The producers of Dancing with the Stars apparently made a vow to only cast real stars from now on instead of thirsty bottom of the barrel whores looking for a quick check and a spotlight to fuck, and they totally accomplished that with the new cast! And by "totally" I mean "didn't." This mess of a list reads like the cast list for the straight-to-DVD sequel to Shark Night 3D. But I will say that Que Cat only jumped in my head once during the announcement and it was when the name "Hope Solo" came up. I mean, Hope Solo is a female athlete. Like I'm going to know that bitch. I only recognize athletes by their bulge. Anyway, here's the entire list of hos who will scoot their asses across the dance floor for some relevancy and a Dollar Tree trophy:
Nancy Grace - The spirit of a rabid hyena who took over a shaved bull dog's body and now devotes all her time to trying to eat the dead soul of Casey Anthony while making Joel McHale's nipples burn.
Chaz Bono - A magical being that came out of Cher's vagina. The end.
Elisabetta Canalis - Italian coke whore turned George Clooney's strap-on handler of choice turned dumped bitch.
Carson Kressley - The test tube baby of Cojo and Ellen Degeneres.
Rob Kardashian - The mutation of one of Khloe Kardashian's old nutsacks.
Chynna Phillips - My third favorite member of Wilson Phillips and Billy Baldwin's on-and-off again wife.
JR Martinez - Iraqi war veteran turned soap star.
Ricki Lake - The winner of this shit, obviously.
Ron Artest (aka Metta World Peace) - An L.A. Laker and an L.A. crazy
Kristin Calamaris - The blonde trick the producers of DWTS happened to pull out after they threw all of The Hills hos into a paper bag and shook it up.
Hope Solo - Han Solo's long-lost daughter and some girl who plays a sport that involves a ball.
David Arquette - A mess.
There is just so much crazy here (see: Metta World Peace, David Arquette, Nancy Grace...) that Vh1 has their cast for Celebrity Code 5150.
I can't wait until David Arquette and Elisabetta Canalis both get kicked off for missing their cues because they were too busy doing lines off of each other's nipple plates in the bathroom. I also can't wait until Nancy Grace foxtrots to Lindsay Lohan's Rumors while wearing hot pants and a Miller Lite t-shirt. But I really can't wait until the producers seat Case Anthony in Nancy Grace's cheering section which will cause her head to shoot through the studio ceiling, fly all the way to Florida and land on the front yard of Casey's hideaway to live there as a permanent lawn decoration forever. I already give that a ten.