Dancing With The Has-Beens

Melissa Joan Hart tried to zing Jimmy Kimmel hard last night, but her efforts failed when he threw right back in her face. Melissa laughed to keep from crying and that shit definitely left a bruise. I feel Melissa's pain, because my own family members do this to me on a daily basis. That's why God invented the bong.

VIA Buzzfeed

CHERYL BURKE'S black magic voodoo spells have backfired yet again! People reports that her partner Tom Delay will announce on tonight's episode of Dancing with Faces from the Milk Carton that he has to quit that shit due to foot injuries. Tom suffered stress fractures in both of his hooves after Mop Head accidentally sat on them during rehearsals. I made that last part up.

On last night's episode, Tom said that the doctors and producers urged him to stop dancing, but he loves torturing Mop Head (and us) so he said he was going to go on with the "party."

But the pain of seeing Mop Head's face on a daily basis has become unbearable, so Tom has no choice but to bow out. More importantly, Mop Head HAS LOST! I will be dancing around in my living room with my Swiffer while she eats her sorrows away at the craft service table. That table doesn't know what's coming.

And here's Tom and Mop Head's final performance from last night. Your stomach should be happy too since it won't get seizures anymore while having to watch Tom thrust it like a Bill Clinton.

Dame Elizabeth Taylor has a serious memawboner for her longtime friend/business partner Kathy Ireland. Ever since the new season of Dancing with the Stars started, Liz has been singing Kathy's praises on her Twitter account. You'd think she was talking about Shauna Sand.

It's just Kathy Ireland! I know she changed the face of TV with her thrilling portrayal of Brittany Maddocks on four episodes of Melrose Place, but DAMN! Here's what Dame Liz had to say about the glowingly beautiful Kathy:

I'm so excited to see Kathy Ireland on Dancing With The Stars! She is so beautiful.
1:52 PM Aug 17th from web

To watch her in movement will be a golden chance to see beauty in action and grace which is what that lady is all about.
1:54 PM Aug 17th from web

She is beauty personified because it glows from within and takes her on wing.
1:54 PM Aug 17th from web

All of you who are watching Kathy Ireland on DWTS tonight...please vote for her. The # is on the screen. She's so gorgeous, isn't she!
5:13 PM Sep 22nd from web

Saw Dancing With The Stars tonight. Didn't think the judges were fair to Kathy Ireland.
about 15 hours ago from web

Kathy was delightful, gorgeous and fit the music they chose perfectly. If they ever do a remake of The King and I she should star in it.
about 15 hours ago from web

You know Dame Elizabeth set up a calling room in her mansion and makes her main gays dial for Kathy all night. They only take breaks to rub one of Kathy Ireland's lamps from Lamps Plus for luck.

If Kathy ever gets voted out, the judges better sleep with a taser between their crotch, because Dame Elizabeth will be coming for them!

(Thanks Stormy)

Last night's premiere of Dancing with the Sores was filled with your basic shit like: fake smiles, clenched nalgas, whack toupees (nod to Donny Osmond), meth mugs (nod to Aaron Carter) and limp wrists (nod to Mark Dacascos). That's until my arch rival CHERYL BURKE and her partner former house majority leader Tom DeLay took to the dancefloor. This performance should be used by the Jigsaw Killer to slowly torture his victims. Seriously, when it was done, my ass was bleeding and my hand was reaching for the phone to call 911.

The hilarious embarrassed look on Mop Head's face wasn't even enough to help me shake the image of Tom DeLay thrusting his booty hole, mugging to Bruno and popping that crotch. And the fact that Mop Head was thrusting right next to him made it all the more terrifying. How did this get past the FCC?! I'd rather be attacked by a million of Janet Jackson's pierced nipples then have to see that shit again.

Okay, okay, I'll admit that I want Mop Head and Tom DeLay to win so I can get some satisfaction out of seeing her dry up inside when he humps on her during the Samba.

AND I'll also admit that Tom DeLay really did bring the sex thanks to his "t-shirt tucked into his sweatpants" look. That'll do it.

Dancing with the Soon-To-Be ER Patients hasn't even premiered yet and it has already suffered its first injury. People reports that CHERYL BURKE'S partner, former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, wrecked his foot yesterday after he tried to pull it out of his mouth. No, he effed it up during rehearsal and had to shuffle off to the hospital. Tom didn't have a stress fracture in his hoof, so doctors gave him the go-ahead to continue rehearsing. The show will go on.

When I first read this shit, I figured Mop Head's voodoo black magic powers back(fat)fired on her. But now the more I think about it, it's clear that Mop Head was trying to take her own partner out! It's obvious that Tom DeLay has the rhythm of a toilet. So CHERYL BURKE sprinkled her powers of destruction (aka a few splashes of Mop 'N Glo) all over the floor hoping he would slip, fall and break a bone or twenty. That way he'd have to bow out and Mop Head would get a new partner. Smart mop.

Thankfully, Mop Head's powers are a little rusty, so she was unable to complete her mission...THIS TIME. Mop Head will try again, so Tom should beware and keep a Swiffer at his side at all times.

Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Karina Smirnoff from Dancing with the Has-Beens are no longer doing the wet nekkid mambo on each other, because they have canceled their engagement. Karina's spokeswhore confirms to E! that they have broken up.

Karina and Maksim got engaged early last year, but postponed their wedding until next year due to their "hectic schedules."

I'm sure it's just a coincidence that Karina and Maksim have pink-slipped each other right before the new season of Dancing for a Paycheck starts.... Yeah, I doubt they broke up for publicity. They would NEVER do that!

Karina and Maksim didn't give a reason for their split, but let's just blame it on my arch rival CHERYL BURKE. Mop Head should be blamed for absolutely everything! If go home tonight and find that you're out of booze, BLAME MOP HEAD. If you're getting it from the back and the peen misses the hole, poking you in the crack, BLAME MOP HEAD. Blame it all on Mop Head!

HAHAHAHAHA! My recurring nightmare CHERYL BURKE is stuck with former Republican House Majority Leader Tom DeLay for the new season of Dancing For A Check! Thank Cheesus they didn't give Mop Head a hot piece.

You don't know how many delicious dinners were absolutely ruined last season thanks to Mop Head getting all horny around Gilles Marini's toasted skin baguette. Seriously, my stomach turned inside/out every time CHERYL BURKE looked at Gilles with those "fuckme" eyes like she was all ready to soak up his sex juices with her mop head. Vom, wipe, vom, wipe, vom....

I'm not going to put my barf bucket away just yet, because the minute Mop Head rubs all over Tom all sexy-like, I will not be able to control myself. Knowing her skanky ass, she will.

The rest of the couples have also been announced. Just nod and pretend like you know who all of these whores are. I even tried Googling the name of a bitch I didn't recognize and it came back with, "Nevah heard of him." The couples are:

Mya and Dmitri Chaplin
Melissa Joan Hart and Mark Ballas
Michael Irvin and Anna Demidova
Ashley Hamilton and Edyta Sliwinska
Aaron Carter and Karina Smirnoff
Kathy Ireland and Tony Dovolani
Debi Mazar and Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Natalie Coughlin and Alec Mazo
Louie Vito and Chesie Hightower
Chuck Liddell and Anna Trebunskaya
Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson
Tom DeLay and Mop Head
Macy Gray and Jonathan Roberts
Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough
Mark Dacascos and Lacey Schwimmer
Kelly Osbourne and Louis Van Amstel

VIA People

The entire cast of the newest season of Dancing with the Has-Beens was just announced on Good Morning America and once again, the producers mostly got it wrong! There's no Spaghetti Cat, no Chicken Cutlets, no Maru, no Empress of Lucite, no Rojo Caliente, no Latarian Milton, no Detective La Toya Jackson and not even Kate Gosselin's possum head! Anytheresnohopeleftintheworld, here's the full cast. For every name you don't recognize, take a shot of liquid DayQuil and Tang. Drink up!

Macy Gray - Alien from the planet Uranus who is responsible for turning 1999 into the year that the song "I Try" never left my damn head!
Aaron Carter - The reigning Mr. Meth Face of the Universe!
Kelly Osbourne - Hipster Monchhichi!
Melissa Joan Hart - Former bff of Brit Brit Spears and star of the critically acclaimed masterpiece Holiday in Handcuffs!
Donny Osmond - Annoying person.
Kathy Ireland - Christian lamp shade designer.
Mya - Singer, actress, Broadway d-lister and Ghetto Superstar!
Mark Dascasos - The Chairman of Iron Chef America and the only bitch on this world who truly knows how to introduce a food ingredient!
Ashley Hamilton - The former Mr. Brenda Walsh and George Hamilton's son. And no, he doesn't look like a water-damaged leather coin purse...yet.
Michael Irvin - One of the "most successful wide receivers" in the history of the NFL. FYI: Tommy Girl is one of the "most successful wide receivers" in the history of everything.
Tom DeLay - Former house majority leader. Whatever that is.
Natalie Coughlin - Olympic swimming gold medalist.
Joanna Krupa - Model/actress.
Debi Mazar - Hot bitch.
Chuck Liddell - An Ultimate Fighting Champion star.
Louie Vito - A famous snowboarder-type.

I had to Google half of these bitches for a clue! I mean, even OctoMommy's uterus is more famous than some of these hos!

However, there are a few brights spot. I'm hoping amazon Macy Gray is the one who will slip, fall and crush Mop Head. Speaking of, who do you think Mop Head will use her black magic voodoo powers on first? My guess is MYA. Bitch better sleep with a Swiffer under her bed if she knows what's good for her.

The new season of Dancing For Relevancy just got a little less glamorous...and a lot less crazy. That's because La Toya Jackson will not be shimmying her plastic parts after all. Earlier this week, my soul got tingly when reading about the possibility of La Toya joining the cast. But La Toya has shot those rumors down with a ping pong out of her vag (TALENT!!), because she said it wouldn't be appropriate. HA!

Toy told Access Hollywood (via Reuters), “I’ve been approached to do ‘ Dancing with the Stars.' The fact of the matter is, I won’t be doing it, simply because of the circumstances that (are) going on at the moment.”

Yes, La Toya actually got bit by the "class and taste" bug. I don't like it. HOWEVER, La Toya did go on to queef that even though she's not ready to join DWTS, she is open to judging American Idol. FUCK YES. We're finally talking real shit here. The only person who can replace a crazy is a fellow crazy. I would suggest Courtney Love, but she's permanently stuck in a Twitter-hole, so Toya is the next best option!

Here's La Toya taking a quick break from SOLVING EVERYTHING to hand out groceries and pose pose pose at AIDS Project LA yesterday.

Ever since Michael Jackson moonwalked off to heaven, La Toya's vagina has grabbed on to the giant dildo known as fame and hasn't let go. AND SHE NEVER WILL! Toy Toy is back (insert dick slappy dance or groan here).

UsWeekly says that La Toya might take a break from solving the world's greatest mysteries to jiggle her bought-and-paid-for chichis on Dancing with the Has-Beens this season. Apparently, the producers offered her a spot on the show and now she's "in talks."

Toy Toy's rep would only said, "She's a big fan of the show, and being from a musical family, it would be a good fit."

ABC will announce the entire cast this Monday morning, but it's rumored that Ceiling Eyes, Vera Wang, Dean McDermott and Lou Ferrigno have either signed on already or are close to signing.

This is going to be good. Let's take bets on how many "Tributes to MJ" Toy Toy is going to do. Can't wait to see her tango to "Thriller" and her quick step to "Working Day and Night."

And if you're thinking to yourself, "but La Toya isn't a star," shut those thoughts up! Of course, Toy Toy is a star! Just look at this video below of her performing at a sold-out concert......at a bar..... in Slovenia. Okay, and it wasn't really sold out. There were 12 people there....and 3 goats.