Jennifer Aniston can finally take "Single Ladies" off of her ipod shuffle and stop doing jazz hands to it for good, because People says that as of his birthday last Friday, Justin Theroux made it official and took her ass off the market. Yes, he proposed to her on HIS birthday! Unlike the two cheap ass tricks who saw an engagement ring/birthday present combo as a brilliant move, and popped the question on MY birthday. "You can have a present if you just promise your life awaaaaay!" And yes, of course my greedy ass accepted. There were diamonds at stake people!
Soon, the internetz will be flooded with lots of MILLIONS OF CATS ARE CRYING jokes, Beanie Baby orphan jokes, FAKE!! FAME WHORE!! denials and the piercing shreik of a million Brangie fans screaming NOOO YOU ARE A BARREN UNLOVABLE EXCEPT BY EQUALLY BARREN BITCHES BITCH!!!1one!1! in unison. Those explosions you hear right now aren't fireworks from Jen's chocha. No, it's a combination of Jen superfans superjizzing in their pants, Jen haters' heads exploding like a scene from Mars Attacks and everyone elses' minds being blown by the investment so many people seem to have in the whole mess. Sort of a free symphony. The forecast calls for 100% chance of flying stranger bodily fluids, so either park your ass inside or if you really must venture out I suggest a raincoat, umbrella and rubber boots. Oh and lots of Purell.
Anygetitgirl, if the infallible source People says it, it must be true!! Personally, I am happy for her ass. I'm not a mega fan, but she seems nice and harmless, so I have no shade to throw this time. Don't freak out,that's right, I said I have no shade. It's okay. She got screwed long and hard and not in a good way (is that even possible?? moving on) when her last marriage dissolved and now she can stop being the brunt of countless spinster jokes and continue fucking on her now fiance Justin. Piece, at last. Peace, piece, whatever. Both are fucking fantastic if you haven't had it in awhile.
Answering "yes" to the question "Is the dick so good that it makes you want to double slap yourself?" is one thing. But answering "yes" to the question "Is the dick so good that you're willing to get triple punched into the E.R.?" is another.
UsWeekly has echoed (see: copy and pasted) CDAN's blind item about how RiRi is eating the cake again, Anna Mae, by hopping on the pool noodle dick attached to the rage-stuffed ass roid who Ike Turnered her in the eye several times.
Some "music industry insider" tells UsWeekly that RiRi's coochie found lust on a hopeless ass again and it's been going on for about a year.
"She comes to see him anytime she's in L.A. They can't get enough of each other. I don't see it ending well. Rihanna loves to live dangerously, and talking to and hooking up with Chris is all part of that."
Chris Brown's spokeswhore punched the letters L, I and E into this story and claim that he's not stepping out on his girlfriend Karrueche Tran. But the L.A. Times recently put their magnifying glass to a few Tweets from RiRi. RiRi Twatted this mess right after pics of Chris with his piece spending New Year's together came out:
How can you lie to her, while u lay with me???.....If you don't have an answer, you don't have to answer.
That Tweet is a wreck and doesn't have an ounce of sense on it, so it's probably just a lyric to one of RiRi's songs. But if UsWeekly and CDAN are right, then I hope that all those huge ass blunts RiRi is getting baked on in Hawaii will erase the part of her brain that is telling her Chris Brown's dangerous dick is crack and her pussy is Pete Doherty. Weed don't fail us now!
Anyone that has had kids possibly knows of the joy of getting rid of a kid's pacifier... there's not a more perfect parent in the world that knows this to be TRUE FACTS more than VADGE!!!
VADGE is stiiiiiiiiiiilllllllll sucking on the pacifier known as Baby Brahim (aka Jello Pudding's new pedo-pop) despite prior reports of her dropping him off at the orphanage.
I've seen people try many a trick to discourage the pacifier ISSUE!!! However, VADGE knows how to mother the young of tomorrow and is only doing this for the GOOD OF HUMANITY!!!
My hat's off to VADGE, but more importantly to Kid-N-Stay for sticking out having to watch her beef jerky ass do hours of weight lifting, NOT 14 HOURS LIKE HEIDI, DON'T BE IRRATIONAL!
Nancy (it's always a Nancy) from Sparkle Markets in Ohio had biscotti and another hard long treat on the brain during a "Great Grocery" segment on the local news. Oh, Nancy! You can't just drop a cock in our ears and then move along like we didn't hear it. DETAILS! Next to teeth, crumbs are a cock's worst enemy, so how are you supposed to enjoy one with biscotti? For Nancy's next segment, I really hope she clears this up. And which aisle at Sparkle Markets can we find cock in? Let us know, Nancy! We've got our shopping carts ready!
When I first read at People that Falcor's long-lost twin sister LeAnn Rimes is engaged to Eddie Cibrian, I had to rotate and squint my eyes at the date to make sure it wasn't a repeat story from last month or the one before. LeAnn and Eddie's stupid asses have already put the wolf to shame by crying out their faux engagement news over and over again. They did it in October and November, but apparently this one is sticking. LeAnn's spokeswhore farted out to People Magazine that the two have once again caused the sanctity of marriage to rolls its eyes by getting engaged over the holidays at her home in Los Angeles.
People even has a TOTALLY NOT STAGED picture of LeAnn flashing the ring SHE TOTALLY DID NOT BUY HERSELF (REPEAT: SHE DID NOT GIVE EDDIE HER BLACK AMEX AND TELL HIM TO GO PAY FOR THE RING SHE DESIGNED HERSELF THE DAY THEY STARTED FUCKING. NO) in Malibu today.
LeAnn spread the news on Twitter too:
For those who haven't read, Eddie and I got engaged over the holidays. That's the news. It's for real this tine and the first time EVER!
18 minutes ago
So funny, my dear publicist is the same rep for Natalie Portman and me. So much for his vacation lol!!! Love you Rhett!!!!!
13 minutes ago
@asu_juliette the ring is out there. Someone got a shot of us at the beach, so that's not much a secret, but the rest is very personal and sweet. I was shocked to say the least.
2 minutes ago
Shocked, she says?! Yeah, soooooo shocked even though she wrote out Eddie's proposal speech on the palm of his hand and promised him an extra $200 bonus if he did it with feeling. Shocked. And personally, I won't really believe this news until I see Eddie skipping down Rodeo Drive while singing "I'm in the Moooney."
Hung, the HBO show about the adventures of a mammoth dick of wonder, is premiering in New Zealand and they erected this billboard in the middle of Auckland to let everyone know.
My nipples bark (they really do) for anything that advertises big dick, but this looks too much like a boiled egg to me. The bulge is probably coming from a chalupa dick. You know, short and stumpy. Like the Danny DeVito of bulges. And where is the panty elastic? Did it rip off due to the enormous weight of the obese peen? Yes, I've thought about this in detail. If I was in college, I'd write my thesis on this.
And you know Tommy Girl is going to find a way to climb up to that billboard and butt hump it.
You really wouldn't guess that Kate Hudson passes her vagina around like pork dumplings at dim sum, but bitch is a mega slut. If I was her mother, this would bring tears of joys to my eyes, because she would be following in my footsteps. However, Kate's mother is crying tears of SHAME! The Daily Mail says that Private Benjamin has begged Kate to give A-Roid's peen the pink slip. Goldie thinks it's time that Kate curb her pussay, put a lock on it and let it breathe a bit.
A source said, "Kate’s had a string of boyfriends since her divorce from Chris Robinson and it’s always the same pattern – she falls hard and fast, then gets bored or has her heart broken. Goldie hates the idea of seeing Kate getting hurt again."
Kate's vagina is howling too loud for her to hear her mother's pleas, because she's taking her relationship with A-Roid to the next level. Kate has apparently already introduced A-Roid to her son.
While I agree with Goldie that Kate needs blow a goodbye kiss to A-Rod's roid rod, I disagree that she needs to stop her whore ways. If you don't have a full-time fuck partner, why not take a few part-time jobs to keep the genital area active in the community. Kate just needs to learn that just because her chocha is smiling, doesn't mean it's true love. Bitch probably falls in love at first dick tip. She needs to work on that shit.
Here I was thinking that Megan Fox's vagina was going to chomp its way through all the peens of Hollywood. I was wrong, because it looks like she's back to riding Hi-Ho David Silver, but who knows? Maybe they were caught on their way to ex sex. Dickmatization does that to a slut.
When you break up with good dick, at first you get all empowered by telling yourself you don't need to bust nuts in order to be happy. Then before you know it, you're laying in bed and all you can think about is that good dick. It doesn't matter the dick is attached to a major bag of caca. No. You don't even think of that. You just think of that peen opening its lips and softly telling you how much it loves you. That shit make you call the dick owner and tell him how much you miss him, blah.. blah.. blah... When really you just want to hit that dick again.
That's probably what happened to Megan. Or maybe this was just one of those publicity stunt things fameswhores can't stop themselves from doing. Yeah, after all that, let's go with the latter.