Butchery

For the first time in like forever, a bitch other than Robert Englund will play Freddy Krueger in a movie. I know. At first I wanted to crawl into a roach box motel and get crushed by a large shoe, but I actually like the whore who is replacing Robert, so maybe this isn't such a bad thing. I don't know.

New Line announced that Jackie Earle Haley will now be slashing teens up in the the remake/re-telling/re-whoring/re-butchering of Nightmare on Elm Street which comes out April 16, 2010. Some dude named Samuel Bayer is directing and another bitch who goes by the name of Wesley Strick is writing the words. Shooting begins May 5th in Chicago.

Some whores may know Jackie as Kelly in The Bad News Bears. Other whores may know him as Rorschach from Watchmen. But I know Jackie as the creepiest child toucher who ever touched from Little Children. Bitch was so convincing that I felt violated after watching his ass. Jackie probably ended up on some kind of government list for that performance. Because I know Jackie has the ability to make me want to scrub my skin with Ajax, he might pull this off.

VIA Coming Soon

I'm in L.A. now, so just give me the signal and I'll run through Warner Bros. studio screaming like a mad bitch asking them to stop the fucking madness! Stop it before more people's childhood memories are destroyed!!!! They are planning to remake the fucking NeverEnding Story! Does Falkor have a face that looks like it wants to be remade. It is perfect in every way already.

My 5-year-old self wants to come back and slap a whore or fifty. This has fucking ruined my day.

So, yeah, The Hollywood Reporter (via Coming Soon) says WB is in early stages to remake the 1980s classic that changed lives! Okay, it felt like that back then. WB plans to give it a modern twist. Let's all call up Warner Bros. and ask them how it feels to kill something beautiful. Because that's what they are doing! This is shit. You know they are going to get the Trannycat Dolls to cover the theme song. Lucifer, no. I just gave them an idea. WHY?! That is seriously one of my favorite songs of all-time and forever. If you ever need to feel gay, play that shit.

On a positive note, Kim from The Really Broke Housewives of Atlanta will be able to pay her website bill soon. Her broke down dog wig is a LOCK for the role of Falkor.

Please watch this clip below of Kids Inc. singing one of the greatest songs of all time. I'm looking to Martika for answers as to why this is happening. Give me answers, Martika!

When it was announced a while ago by Satan that the legendary classic comedy Clue would get murdered by HELLywood in a remake, I screamed, I cried and I died. Then I told myself that this shit will never happen, because God won't let it. Well, I was wrong, because a director was just hired. A real director.

Variety (via Coming Soon) reports that Gore Verbinski will helm the guillotine which Clue lays in. Gore has directed the Pirates of the Caribbean movies and The Ring. Universal said they will turn Clue into "a global thriller and transmedia event that uses deductive reasoning as its storytelling engine."

What in the singing telegram fuckery is this?! A global thriller? The shit takes place in one mansion during one night! Fuckness. And it's a LOLcomedy not a thriller! They are totally going to make Mr. Boddy go on the lamb (typo, but lambs are cute) Bourne-style. Madeline Kahn is weeping from heaven.

All I can say is that hearing this mess makes me feel "flam - flames. Flames, on the side of my face, breathing-breath- heaving breaths. Heaving breath..."