Nalgas

Years from now, Gia Lopez's therapist will pull out this picture to remind her of the moment that put the first scar on her childhood and she'll slap herself in the face for not yanking a ho when she had the chance.

To sell his line of man chonies that look like lady chonies, Mario Lopez (aka forever AC Slater to me) made his new wife tweet a picture of him putting a star on top of their skinny ass Christmas tree. NO FATTIES in AC Slater's house! That goes for the Christmas trees too.

It's one thing to make your toddler daughter hold the stepladder for you, but it's another to make her do it while you're wearing panties that make your ass look extra hungry. It looks like it's going to chomp on anything in its way.

On December 26th, John Travolta will gladly do Gia Lopez a favor and hold that ladder while AC Slater takes the star down. Yes, John will wear a mistletoe hat and yes his tongue will go down AC Slater's chimney at one point or another. I think you might like it, AC Slater!

via ONTD

I lied. I thought the Hollywood premiere of Twatlight: Breaking Hymen - Number Two was going to be the last one, but I was wrong. Our international nightmare continues and it has spread to the UK. Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner were all in London tonight to make the British Twihards scream until their cherries popped out of their mouths.

But you know, just like the American Twihards, the British ones have disappointed me. This is the last time they can bring the crazy hard and they're not. They should be getting pregnant from the excitement before giving birth to a sticky toffee panty pudding baby right there on the red carpet. Instead, they're just like "eh" in the face. They look like KStew while getting her box munched in a Mini Cooper. What does it say when even the hardcore crazies are tired of being crazy? Where was Nutty Madam when they needed her most? She could've inspired them to lose whatever is left of their minds right there on the ground. Whatever... At least Kristen Stewart came to party. KStew really wanted us to see her ass cakes at the Hollywood premiere and she kept that theme going at the London premiere. Butt party alert.

But bitch is going way too far with all the lace and sequins. Who in the hell does she think she is? Walter Mercado? Kristen Stewart needs to take off Walter Mercado's favorite funeral jumpsuit and give it back to him, because it's not working on her. Nor will it ever.

That picture might look familiar to you, because it's exactly what you see every Christmas when your nana drinks too much spiked cider, goes wild, jumps on the coffee table and lifts up her lace slip to freak dance to "Holly Jolly Christmas."

For her very last Twilight premiere, Kristen Stewart gave the Twihards the gift of her butt cakes by wearing granny panties and a see-through dress. Kristen Stewart is supposedly a miserable spotlight hater who would rather take a shower than get her picture taken, so wearing a dress that makes everyone look at her nalgas and crotch area was a good move! Nothing says "DON'T LOOK AT ME, I HATE ATTENTION" like wearing a see-through dress, right? But sarcasm aside, this is the hottest KStew has looked in a long time. She looks like an Appalachian Rita Hayworth. I bet that when the designer asked for his dress back at the end of the night, KStew burped up a nacho crumb and said, "Ah smoked it!"

Oh yeah, Robert Pattinson was also there in a green Christmas suit, but who cares about him. The bigger story here is that the last ever Twatlight premiere happened in Los Angeles and the Twihards didn't go crazy. Did the LAPD shoot them all with tranquilizer darts beforehand? Some of these crazy bitches camped out for almost a week to see RPattz's face close up and so they should be losing their minds. Los Angeles should be under an ocean of panty pudding, tears and blood from the Twihards slitting their wrists since they have no reason to go on anymore! Oh, Twihards, I thought I knew you. I thought I knew you.

The #1 enemy of the buttfuck people, Xtina, teased us buttfuck people by showing us the butt that we will never be able to fuck.... unless we've got about 12 hours of free time, a tow truck and two plastic tubs of petroleum jelly since that's what it'll take to get her out of those tight ass jeans. Xtina doesn't wear panties, so I don't even want to think about the chaffing that's occurring with every step.

After whoring out The Voice with Adam Levine and Blake Shelton on Extra at The Grove last night, Xtina's full-time escort (insert his name here, don't make me Google it) escorted her to dinner. Xtina once again wore an outfit that a WWF wrestler wore first and better in the 80s, but I do love what she's done to her weave. I'm only saying that, because the side of her hair looks like a pan dulce. You are doing it right when your hair looks like something found in the bakery section of Supermercado Gigante.

Delicioso! And you know when she got drunk at the end the night, she tried to eat the side of her head and looked like a puppy chasing its own tail.

If it's morning time for you and the liquid caffeine you inject directly into your forehead vein hasn't hit your brain yet, the picture Sofia Vergara posted on Whosay last night might look all sorts of things like two uncooked corn dogs waiting to go into the fryer or an eclipse as seen through a slit in a Las Vegas showgirl's costume. But it's a picture of Sofia Vergara's ass crack refusing to be ignored.

Twenty minutes before Modern Family won their 1,579,773th trophy at last night's Modern Family Appreciation Ceremony, Sofia Vergara's butt cakes busted her zipper right open. You might think that Sofia's nalgas are a couple of fame whores and just wanted to get their pictures taken, because her chichis were getting all the attention, but I think it was doing what we all did. It blew out a gust of hot air, because Modern Family kept winning EVERYTHING.

They were winning so much that I'm sure when they got backstage, Publishers Clearing House gave them a check for $1 million, the California Lottery people congratulated them for having the winning ticket even though they didn't buy any tickets and then ASkars gave each of them a vial of his own Swedish baby batter before saying, "Please have my child."

Modern Family won Outstanding Comedy Series for the third year in a row, Julie Bowen won Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series for the second year in a row and Eric Stonestreet won Outstanding Support Actor in a Comedy Series. But the winningest ho in that cast is Jesse Tyler Ferguson who gets to go home and comb and condition his piece's luscious grizzly brows every night.

FINALLY! Those Magic Mike hos realized that what's really going to sell this Showgirls with floppy dicks mess isn't a stupid plot nobody cares about or a dumb ass annoying girl, it's oiled up man ass. (Side Whisper: Why, hello there, John Travolta. I know you're here since you have "oiled up man ass" in your Google alerts.) Press the mute button on this shit unless you really want a side of RiRi's goat yodel with your man ass. Then hit pause at 0:10 to see Alex Pettyfer's ass, then again at 0:12 to see Matt Boner face hump a lady, then again at 0:31 to see Pettyfer pout with both lips, then again at 0:46 to see a shadow of Big Dick Richie's prosthetic peen, then again at 0:52 to see some Texas T-Rex ass and finally hit the double lines at 0:54 for Channing Tatum's sideways smile. If you need me, I'll be trying to find a way to make holograms of all those screen grabs to put under the lid of my coffin.

via Queerty

When I first scanned across these pictures with my eyes, I braced myself for non-stop puckering by clenching my cheeks, because I really thought this was noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker telling Tyra to kiss his ass and all these man asses as he posed in a photo call for his new job as host of America's Next Top Nalgas. That was wishful fapping, because this is really British swan and choreographer Louie Spence at the opening of the Girls' Day Out Show in Glasgow, Scotland today. This is what you see when you put a rainbow under a microscope. This is also what it looks like when it's buffet night at the Scientology men's lounge. Grab the flavored butt lube and enlarge each pic at your own risk.

In "I'm sure your sick ass will find a way to fap to this" news, Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger's 18-year-old son Patrick had a BITCH GOES BOOM accident yesterday while skiing with his family in Sun Valley, Idaho. Patrick spent a quick minute in the hospital, but he was well enough to Tweet a picture of the gaping, bloody gash on his nalgas. If you're the kind of weak bitch who gets light in the head over a bloody ass, then please put that disclaimer in your Grindr profile, because I hate it when a top passes out at the sight of a horror show butt. It totally kills the romance. Also, if a bloody ass slit gives the weezies, keep your black arrow away from this link. JUMP!

The gayfetti is still exploding in my head after Maryland became the latest state for me to become somebody's huzzban' during a drunken ass whim (I'm thinking I'll have a Female Trouble-themed wedding in honor of Baltimore's crown jewel John Waters), and now the gayfetti is exploding down below after my eyes touched this picture of Prince Hot Ginge and Prince William partying their nipples off in a locker room. This shit is totally fake and comes from photographer Alison Jackson who is known for creating lukewarm escandaloso royal scenes using a PHG look-alike and a Prince William look-alike (who also does "Left at the Altar Because I'm An Annoying Bitch Now Let's Eat My Tears Off Of My Wedding Cake" parties as Carrie Bradshaw).

Alison put together this level 6 panty creaming moment for UK Cosmo's 40th anniversary. While I appreciate that Cosmo published this picture next to their article on labia decals (I'm guessing), I CAN'T with them and Alison for putting Prince Fake Ginge's ass cheek in the background. PHG's royal nalgas are the money and fake Prince William's face should be in the background. Actually, fake Prince William should really be on the porcelain throne, because judging by his facial expression his end is about to crowneth a turd, as Queen Elizabeth I always said.

via OUT (Thanks, Seth)

James Franco is a considerate celebrity who knows that you've seen his face EVERYWHERE and so he's changing things up flashing his ass cheeks everywhere instead. (This is the place where you submit your re-worked "since when does his face and his ass look any different" joke.) James dropped his panties, brushed off the ricocheted air kisses he blows at his own ass in the mirror and cracked a sideways grin for Flaunt Magazine's cover. If it's safe for you to look at Michael Lohan's mug shot at work then it's probably safe for you to look at James Franco's SANS CHONIES ass, butt I put it behind a cut just in case. Get it!