Drunk

An ambulance was called to The Hoff's Encino home yesterday afternoon, because his daughter suspected he had the drunks in a seriously dangerous way. TMZ reports that The Hoff's 17-year-old daughter Hailey called her mother Pamela telling her that he was boozed up like you at 2-for-1 happy hour (times a million). One of Pamela's friends immediately called 911 and the paramedics showed up to take The Hoff's liquored up ass off to the hospital to dry out.

The Hoff was supposed to be released back into the wild last night. His reps wouldn't comment.

According to Radar, this is the fifth time in just a few years that The Hoff had to go to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. The Hoff's reps have denied this over and over again.

How many "hamburger" moments is The Hoff going to have before he says no to the bottle? The Hoff needs to clean it up a bit, because the entire country of Germany is counting on him! If anything ever happened to The Hoff, Germany would put up a "CLOSED" sign and fall off the map. And can you imagine how much fuckery we'd miss out on if Germany shut down? The Hoff needs to do it for Germany!

The City of Stockton, CA needs to bottle their own water and sell it at bars across the world (preferably one near me), because it's obviously some potent shit! It's got hos seeing things with their own eyes! You see, a neighborhood in Stockton believes that the image of Michael Jackson is on that tree stump. They need more people.

The dude who owns the tree said Michael's image suddenly appeared on the tree stump the day he passed away. That weekend, crowds began to gather around the stump. One neighbor said, "Michael Jackson was an icon to us. To Stockton, Michael Jackson meant more to us than Jesus, to some people. I think they're both about even."

Michael visited Stockton 20 years ago after a school shooting.

Raise your hand if see Michael on that tree stump. If you're raising your hand, then I'm guessing a bong is in the other. Or your fifth cocktail of the day. I squinted my eyes and even look at this upside down. I still don't see Michael Jackson! I kind of see an evil bunny rabbit with abnormally long whiskers and no ears, but I don't see MJ.

Source VIA The Awl

Every morning I wake up hoping that there is some kind of news about Janet Wood! My wish was granted today, but unfortunately it's not good news. TMZ says that Joyce DeWitt had too many of those fizzy delicious drinks with umbrellas in them before getting behind the wheel of a car in El Segundo, CA on July 4th.

Joyce basically held up giant flag with the words "I IZ DRUNKS" written on it when she drove right through a police barricade! Not the brightest thing to do if you're driving under the influence of the sweet nectar. Bitch pulled a Chrissy Snow!

The po po smelled her drunk bref, gave her a few sobriety tests, arrested her ass for DUI and set her bail for $5,000. Come and knock on her cell door (but only between the hours of 1pm and 5pm Monday through Friday).... Sorry, it was right there and I had to take it.

UPDATE: I've added Joyce's beautiful mess of a mug shot. I think Janet was trying to recreate Phil Spector's legendary mug shot. The eyes have it!

Sometimes when you're out boozing, one cocktail leads to another, which leads to a dozen more, which leads to you needing to go to the emergency room. You can't say you've really partied until you've walked out of an ER with dried up vomit all over your clothes and one less vital organ in your body. This is what happened to John Mayer's friend, Rob from MTV's Rob & Big, this past Saturday in L.A. That's what you get when you mix douchewater and Henny.

John had to drag Rob out of club MyHouse and shuttle his ass to the emergency room, because dude got the drunks in a serious way. A few hours later, John announced on his Twatter that Rob was going to live: "In triage at Cedars with @robdyrdek. When the contents of his stomach hit that silicon bag and we all saw it, we just broke into appluse."

Appluse is douchetardian for "applause." In case you were wondering.

John is really a true friend for taking his drunk as fuck friend to the emergency room and then clapping when Rob's Alize and ribs-scented barf hit the bag. That's what any good friend would do, but not every good drunk would agree to go. The last time a friend wanted to make to the hospital, I responded with, "Fuck that! I don't have insurance, bitch! Take me to McDonald's instead." Eating a Filet-O-Fish while suffering from the drunk dry heaves is the quickest way to induce vomiting. Tried and tested. Trust this!

First of all, that is Paula Abdul with her mother. Her mother is absolutely stunningly gorgeous, right? The Grey Gardens teefs, the eyebrows that are reaching for Jesus and the face that only Dixie Carter's plastic surgeon could love...... Totally beautiful! I see where Paula gets her crazy. Speaking of...

A few days ago, an interview Paula gave to Ladies Home Journal started making the rounds, because she told them that she was addicted to painkillers for a few years and even had to go into rehab for it. They quoted Paula and now she's saying they made everything up! Paula issued this statement to E!:

"I want to make it perfectly clear to everyone that I have never been addicted to or abused drugs in my life. I have never been drunk. I have never entered a rehab or detox treatment center.

I spent time hiking, bicycling, doing yoga and enjoying the spa. As anyone who has visited the La Costa Resort knows, it is a luxury hotel, not a rehab facility."

She was soaring through a cloud of Vicodin dust during that interview. That's why she doesn't remember.

Paula also needs to quit that "I've never been drunk" noise. Why is it so awful being called a pill-popping drunk?! Some of the history's greatest people were junkies who were a slave to the bottle. Paula shouldn't be ashamed. She should just pop a doll and let them embrace her. Because if she hasn't been drunk or addicted to the good shit, then she's basically saying that she's 100% naturally IN-FUCKING-SANE. Oh, wait. Maybe she is telling the truth after all. Carry on!

Image: Wireimage

Today through Saturday, hos in London will be able to pay £5 an hour to stand inside a bar and breathe in gin air. That's what the waiting room in heaven is like. Now, if gin mist isn't strong enough for you, run your ass over to St. Lucia and get Wino to sneeze in your face. But if gin mist will do the trick, then go to "Alcoholic Architecture."

Fast Company says that gin mist will eff up your clothes, so you have to put on a plastic suit before you go inside. Once inside, you stand around while gin mist is sprayed through the air. Apparently, standing there for 40 long minutes is the equivalent to drinking one strong gin cocktail. The creators chose Hendricks gin, because it's fresh and smells like plants or something.

Basically, this is like hot boxing, but with gin instead of the good green shit, right? Now, do you get to drink gin as well as breath it in? Because just picture a group of bitches standing around without a drink in their hand to shut them up. Sometimes I push drinks on mouthy skanks, so they can stick a rim on their lips and stop talking. After 20 minutes of not getting drunk by breathing in booze vapors, I'd sniff out the source and stick my mouth on the damn mister. 40 minutes sober in a bar feels like ten lifetimes to a drunk!

I don't know if this concept works for a bar, but it works for everywhere else they don't serve booze. I mean, gin mist at the DMV, the dentist and church? Genius.

(Thanks Joanne)

Citizens of New York! Quit reading this shit and quickly run out to your local liquor store! Buy every bottle you can get your hands on and then rush home like you've got the runs in a bad way, because Kate Moss is amongst us! Kate will drink this city dry of our sweetest nectar! She will seek it out and won't stop until every last drop has entered her mouth! If you're into the bad shit, you better hide that too, because she'll sniff it out. Before you lock yourself in your apartment, line your front door with toothpaste. Kate doesn't go near the stuff. Don't be scared. We will get through this!

Here's Boozerfield in Manhattan today for the opening of the first Top Shop in the US. She may look all smiley and sober now, but it won't be long before she'll turn into a snarly booze-hungry monster!

Building a motorized bar stool (with a wheelie bar!!) seems like a genius idea. You just get on, go to the bar, drive inside, booze your troubles away and then head on home. Your lazy ass doesn't even need to move off the seat! That's what 28-year-old Kile Wygle of Ohio probably thought to himself until he failed by crashing that shit near his house. Because he wasn't driving one of those car things, Kile probably thought he outsmarted the po pop and wouldn't get in trouble. So he called 911, because he kind of fucked himself up when he crashed.

The Smoking Gun says that when the cops arrived, Kile pointed to his homemade hillbilly ride and said he wrecked his bar stool. Kile also admitted that he could go around 40mph on the thing if he wanted to, but was only going 20 when he ate it. Kile failed a bunch of sobriety tests and told the cops he had a lot of booze in his body. He was arrested and charged with DUI and driving with a suspended license.

Kile deserves to get the stool thrown at him in court! And the stool shoved up him in jail, because when the cops started giving his bar stool mobile the side-eye, he should've known something was up. That's when he should've slowly backed away from his contraption and said, "Um. Did I say that was mine? Yeah, I'm kind of cloudy in the head from falling and all. I've never seen that before in my life. The bar stool isn't mine!" He needs to watch more Cops!

Kile also needs to take this shit to the next level. Fuck the motorized bar stool! Build me a motorized bar....and a motorized bed....and a motorized toilet, so I never have to walk again!

There are a million other uses for a ShamWow towel that we just don't know of. It can be used to clean up chunky doody off the floor after your asshole got a little too into it during butt sex. It also can be used to clean up barf that fell out of your mouth while you were having a seizure after ODing. AND you can use it to wipe up blood from a hooker's face after you beat her down because she tried to bite your tongue off! Vince should really show us the last one in his informercials, because it happened to him. A testimonial!

The Smoking Gun reports that the methed out version of Billy Mays was arrested in Miami last month after he got into a brawl with a hooker! It all started when Vince picked up the pussy peddler, Sasha Harris, at a night club. The two new lovebirds went back to his room at the Setai Hotel where Sasha told Vince it would cost him $1,000 to slap and chop her snatch. Vince agreed, and so the fun and games began. While they were making out, Vince told the police that Sasha bit down on his tongue and wouldn't let go. This caused Vince to punch her several times until she let go. Once Vince had his tongue back in his own mouth and was able to get away, he ran crying and screaming into the lobby. Ahaha! Why do I picture the front desk bitch screaming, "Hey! You're the ShamWow dude!" while Vince was whining about his tongue almost getting bitten off. Oh, it's times like this that I really love being alive.

The police were called and both were arrested for felony aggravated battery. Prosecutors later decided to not file formal charges against either of them. Sasha said she might file a lawsuit against Vince to get a little bit of his ShamWow money. And no, she doesn't love his nuts.

I didn't peg Vince as the make-out type. I would think he would want to bust a mess all over that whore as soon as possible, so that he could mop it up with his handy ShamWow. You know that's the part that reaaaally turns him on.

Vince's mug shot was sponsored by the Department of Meth FACES. Damn fuck! If only Vince could use one of his magical ShamWow towels to wipe the meth damage off his mug.

And somewhere in America, Bill Mays' peen is getting raw from jacking off to this story over and over again, because he knows the cops used OxiClean to get the blood out.

I hope you're fucking drunk or getting there, because it's time for this mess of a show called the OSCAHS. And if you're sober, then you probably already passed out from looking at Lisa Rinna's picture. If you blacked out, don't walk towards the light! Don't let The Rinna do you in! But seriously, Ursula the sea witch wants her hair back and I think Mickey Rourke's old roids have set up a new home on her face. Anyway, my drunk ass liveblog below: