In this preview clip for the new season of The Amazing Race, Claire finds out the hard way what it's like to get slapped in the face by one of Aretha Franklin's chichis. "I can't feel my face" is what most people say when they try to motorboat Aretha, so they all feel Claire's pain!
And then right after Claire almost gets decapitated by a watermelon, her partner Brook tells her that she needs to keep going. Claire was just on the wrong end of a Gallagher facial! Claire has watermelon snot lodged into the deeper parts of her brain! Claire is trying to emotionally deal with the fact that she's going to smell watermelon for the rest of her fucking life! Claire's gums have been replaced by watermelon rind! Claire's vision is blurred by a chorus of dancing watermelons taunting her ass! Claire just got a heavy dose of "BITCH BOOM BYE" in the face by a damn watermelon! ....And her bitch partner says to her, "You have to finish."
THAT BIT....Okay, I'd probably tell Claire the same thing. Well, do you want to get a happy face from Phil at the end of the leg, or a sad face?! See, don't let that bitch ass watermelon keep you from seeing Phil's happy face!
The next season of The Amazing Race just started shooting a few days ago, and the identities of possible cast members are already leaking out.
Jordan, the winner of Big Brother 11, was spotted at LAX with her fellow BB-cast member turned real-life boyfriend Jeff. They had cameras following them and were both wearing backpacks. It gets worse. Or better, depending on how you look at it. Caitlin "Such As" Upton, the former Miss Teen South Carolina who gave one of the dumbest answers in pageant history, has also been identified as a possible contestant. Apparently, Caitlin is racing with her boyfriend Brent Horne.
CBS isn't going to confirm this shit until taping is over.
All my fellow Americans better visit other countries while we still can. I have a feeling that every country these dumb dumbs visit will pass a law banning all American tourists from crossing their borders. If Jordan & Jeff don't offend the locals, Miss Such As will!
Although, I doubt Miss Such As even made it to the first destination city. She probably got lost inside of the car on the way to the airport. She's either stuck in the trunk or trying to figure out how to open the passenger door. Just leave her there.
In case you need to cringe today, here's Miss Such As in action:
If you agree to go on The Amazing Race, you should be well aware that you will be forced to do some shit that will will make your stomach turn on you and file for emancipation. Whether that be eating Satan-made nastiness or going down a water slide in Dubai. The latter is what totally killed the spirit in Mika's floaties on last night's episode.
Mika's arch enemy is heights so it wasn't exactly a surprise when she freaked out after learning she had to go down a water slide. I sort of felt Mika's pain, because I don't fuck with water slides after seeing a boy shit on one at Raging Waters. However, if a million dollars was at stake, I'd swallow the Valium I hid in my no-no (for this very occasion) and conquer that bitch. A Duggar fetus goes down a water slide every year, so it can't be that bad.
At one point, Mika's teammate/boyfriend Canaan tried to push her ass down while she cried for HELP!!! You know, Canaan went about it the wrong way. What he needed to do was hug her like he meant it, carefully put her on the slide, whisper sweet nothings into her ear and then push her ass when she least expected it! Yeah, her heart probably would've jumped out of her mouth, but at least she would have gotten down that slide!
In the end, Mika refused to slide and her team was eliminated. Canaan said that he doesn't hold it against Mika, but I would've dropped that trick in a quick second. Mika saying "fuck you" to a million dollars over a water slide was hurtful and confusing! Who just lets go of money like that? And IN THIS ECONOMY!?
Whoever came up with the cheese challenge in Switzerland on last night's Amazing Race deserves a lapdance from hillbilly hotness Linda for a job well done, because that shit was gold. Cheese covered gold that is.
The teams had to climb up some hill in Switzerland and bring down heavy blocks of cheese. Almost every single ho busted their ass or dropped their block of cheese causing it to roll down the hill. The latter caused gay pepaw Mel White, whose son and teammate is Mike White, to say, "Don't let the cheese hit me!" This is what I say whenever I come face to cheese with a dirty peen. Seriously, there was cheese flying all over that hill! It's like Joaquin Phoenix pulled down his pants and did the dick slappy dance.
This shit really needs to be an Olympic sport. Watching bitches eat grass while carrying loads of cheese is my new favorite pastime.
And Luke is my no-no's pick of the week. I want to whisper sweet nothings into his peen hole. No, I wasn't going to say ear! I'm not that fucking insensitive.