Chris Brown

The madness never ends. TMZ thinks they found the ho who sent the ten million page text message to Chris Brown that triggered the you know what. When RiRi read the message, she slapped Chris and that's when he Ike Turnered (thanks, Khia) her ass.

According to some police sources, the trick is Chris' 40-year-old manager Tina Davis. Chris was rumored to be licking on Tina's cougar pussy when he was just 16. So I guess she Letourneaud him? Chris and Cougar Tina both denied they were ever blowing jizz balls on each other.

The affidavit states the text message was about the two doing sexy times later on. It also states it was "from a woman who Brown had a previous sexual relationship with."

The executives at Lifetime must be cumming through their nipples about all of this. I mean, domestic abuse AND now child touching? Get Rebecca Glasscock (as Rihanna), Emmanuel Lewis (as Chris Brown) and Wayne Brady (as Tina) on set! We've got a mini-series to make!

In other Ike & Tina 2.0 news, E! says that Chris and RiRi are recording a duet together to be on his Greatest HITS album. I'm guessing it will be a cover of He Hit Me (And It Felt Like A Kiss) or I Want To Beat You Harder (a redo of I Want To Take You Higher).

Chris Brown put on his pimp best yesterday to face a judge and answer to the two felony charges against him. Instead of entering a plea, his lawyer ho asked the court to postponement that shit until April 6th. The judge agreed, but told Chris, "Mr. Brown, you are not to annoy, harass, molest, threaten or use force or violence against anyone." That basically means that Chris needs to stay in his room, lock the door, sit in the corner and keep his mouth shut. Bitch didn't listen because he went out boozing last night.

It's not known why he wanted to extend his arraignment, but he could be looking to make a plea deal so it doesn't go to trial.

RiRi was not in court yesterday, but her lawyer was and told the judge she doesn't want an act of protection. When the judge asked why, her lawyer said, "She did not feel a stay-away order was necessary."

Not only does she need an order of protection, but homegirl also needs an order of WAKE THE FUCK UP and a piping hot order of therapy. Oh and she also needs an order of ENOUGH the movie. It's JLo's finest work. RiRi needs a Jupiter in her life.

Pun intended. I'm honestly going to push the Cup-O-Needles I was planning to have for lunch to the side and gulp down a large vodka without the ice (it gets in the way) instead. You'll do the same after reading the mess Fox 11 (via TMZ) got a hold of.

Notes from detectives on the case state that the fight started when RiRi read a three-page long text message from some chick to Chris Brown. The two started fighting about the text and Chris tried to push her out of the car, but her seat belt got in the way. The notes go on to say that he pushed her head into the passenger window and began punching her while he was driving. Oh, he's a fucking multi-tasker.

Chris allegedly told her that he was going to beat her even more when they got home. After that, RiRi called her assistant and told her to have the cops waiting at home. That prompted Chris to say, "You just did the stupidest thing ever. I'm going to kill you." How fucking charming. It's like a kiss.

The notes also state that Chris continued to beat at her, bite her and put her in a headlock. When cops showed up, there was blood all over the car on her clothes.

It's been reported that since RiRi has gone back into his loving arms, she won't testify against him. But TMZ says that she told cops this wasn't her first time at the Chris Brown beat down rodeo. She said he had gotten psychical in the past, but the violence was getting worse.

Today in court, Chris was charged with two felonies: assault and making a criminal threat. He could face up to 9 years of ass fucking in the clink if convicted on both charges. He's supposed to be arraigned this afternoon.

And now I'm off to find a basket of baby bunnies to cuddle with. Seriously, every Chris Brown/RiRi story should come complete with something from Cute Overload.

After looking at pictures of Chris Brown having a ball of fucking time in Miami, Usher made a comment that everyone co-signed. While being taped during a recording session, Usher said, "I'm a little disappointed in this photo. After the other photo [of Rihanna's bruised face posted by TMZ]? C'mon, Chris. Have a little bit of remorse, man. The man's on jet skis? Like, just relaxing in Miami?"

Well, Usher is taking it all back. Usher issued a statement to UsWeekly saying he was so sowwwwwwwwy for judging the Ike Turners of the world: "The comments made during a recent recording session amongst friends were taken out of context and blown out of proportion. I apologize on behalf of myself and my friends if anyone was offended. The intentions were not to pass judgment and we meant no harm. I respect and wish the best for all parties involved."

Why so sorry? Usher was just saying what everyone was already shouting! Did Chris Brown send Usher a beat-o-gram or something? If that's the case, he shouldn't be scared, because his wife Tameka can totally take Chris down. For real.

Today's edition of "Where in the world is this century's Ike & Tina?", takes us to the Beverly Wilshire Hotel in Beverly Hills where the two are currently holed up. That's what OK! Magazine claims. The two left Diddy's tantric dungeon in Miami yesterday and arrived back in Los Angeles. Instead of going to one of their houses, they checked into Vivian Ward's old haunt.

Yeah, I doubt they were running around that hotel reciting lines like "I've got a runner in my pantyhose!" and "Color me happy! There's a sofa in here for two!" That movie really does have amazing lines, but I doubt they were playing that game. Well, maybe when the waiter brought champagne and strawberries, Chris did say to him, "What are you looking at?!" And then the waiter jumped out the window out of fear.

In other Chris "Bobby" Brown news, E! says he will be arraigned this Thursday in L.A. That shit might be pushed back (no pun intended) if detectives don't turn over the case in time to prosecutors.

Why is that ho just standing there smiling? When there's a Chris Brown coming at you with a fist out, you don't fucking standing there like it's cute! You jump in that flower bush or dive in the damn water. A smile isn't going to protect your ass.

But seriously, whoever is Chris Brown's crisis management whore is doing a fail ass job. Here he is in Miami having just the time of his damn life, skipping around and being all merry-like. It's almost like he's saying to us, "I just beat a bitch down and now I'm going to Disneyland."

While Chris was outside beating waves down with his jetski, RiRi was inside the house reportedly trying to get her shit together. Hopefully, bitch was chanting some "Nam Myoho Renge Kyo" shit. If it worked for Tina Turner, it might work for RiRi.

Princess RiRi of the Universe is reportedly back with the bitch who busted two horns in her wondrous tenhead three weeks ago. That's what People claims and they are usually right. Unfortunately.

A source said, "They're together again. They care for each other. While Chris is reflective and saddened about what happened, he is really happy to be with the woman he loves."

The source went on to say that they are hiding out in one of Diddy's houses. Wait. Are they the ones having tantric sex with Diddy? That would explain why RiRi took that bitch back. Any kind of sex with Diddy will make you delusional in the brains.

But seriously, WHY?! Why, Riri?! When a dude tells you he'll never do it again. Nine times out of ten, the motherfucker is lie-telling. Majorly. RiRi really needs to rent What's Love Got To Do With It? to see how this is going to play out. Don't eat the cake, RiRi! In fact, walk away from the fucking cake!

In today's extra special edition of "What Would Kanye Say?", the voice of this generation gives us his words of wisdom on the RiRi/Brown beat down of '09. Previously, Kanye said he was "devastated" and that RiRi could be "the greatest perform in the world." This time, Kanye thinks we should all just give Chris Brown a little pat on the head, because everybody makes mistakes.

During a taping of Vh1's Storytellers on February 13th, Kanye said to the audience, "Can't we give Chris a break? ... I know I make mistakes in life." I know a lot of people that want to give Chris a break. A break in his fucking face!

Kanye went on to say, "Michael Jackson, amazing. Michael Phelps, amazing. ... He's a real fuckin' person; he makes mistakes. O.J. Simpson, amazing. Is he not? What he did, when he did, what he did. Was he not amazing, though?"

A child toucher, a bong lover and a lady killer. What do they have in common? Kanye West thinks they are all AMAZING!

You know who Kanye doesn't think is amazing? Thom Yorke of Radiohead! According to Kanye, SQUID BRAINS Thom snubbed his ass backstage at the Grammys. Kanye said, "So when he performed at the Grammys, I sat the fuck down."

Oh, Kanye. I want you to be great. Help me help you BE GREAT! If you want to be great, just sit the fuck down, torture your MacBook Air....and keep spewing out AMAZING comments like this shit every hour on the hour! Seriously, Kanye's words of crazy make my world (and eyeballs) go 'round!

P.S. - The Kanyeism of the day is: AMAZING!!!1!!

VIA MTV

When celebwhores get a DUI, the natural thing to do is to send them to the tank for a few months, so they at least look like they're trying. So it makes sense that when a dude delivers a massive beat down on a ho, you send him to anger management! That's what Chris Brown's crisis management team has done.

The NYDN says his pr whores think the mob of Brown haters might calm down a bit if Chris finishes an anger management. The smack up heard around the planet has fucked with Chris' money, so he's trying to look better to the public. Chris' first class was on Monday in Glendale, CA and he reportedly wants to get in a few more before his March 5th court date.

Friends of Chris chirped in that he's not the only one who needs to hug a puppy and kiss a rainbow. They say RiRi also gets the fire in her from time to time. They said, "It didn't help that Rihanna grabbed the keys out of his rented Lamborghini and threw them down the street. She knew it would really infuriate Chris, and it worked."

You know, we've all been in flaming arguments with bitches we're sucking on. One time, I even threw a boyfriend's cell phone into the gutter and that shit broke. Surprisingly, he didn't put two swollen horns on my forehead with his fists. Imagine that! And even when I told him that I gave one of his friends a handjob at Six Flags the week before, he didn't choke the fuck out of me. Restraint: It exists!

Chris and RiRi also made the cover of three tabs this week! Star Magazine says RiRi might be knocked up. The National Enquirer says she is! Life & Style says it was self-defense. And I say BLAH!

On the day of her 21st birthday, RiRi's rep has issued a first statement regarding the beat down she allegedly got from Chris Brown. Basically, she's not going to say shit on the matter, but she wants to thank all the hos who sent her good thoughts and such.

"At the request of the authorities, Rihanna is not commenting about the incident involving Chris Brown. She wants to assure her fans that she remains strong, is doing well, and deeply appreciates the outpouring of support she has received during this difficult time."

It's to the point. Not like the eye-rolling shit Chris Brown put out.