Chris Brown

Try not to have a seizure due to shock, but Chris Brown will not go to jail for Ike Turnering Alien Princess RiRi. TMZ says that Chris struck a deal today. Every prisoner in every jail in L.A. is disappointed, because they were hoping to turn that ass out!

Chris must serve 180 consecutive days of hard labor in Virginia (where he lives). To Chris, hard labor is probably wiping his own ass or whoopin' a trick. But to the system, hard labor is picking up trash on the freeway. Be sure to honk if you see Chris in an orange jumpsuit!

On top of that, Chris will be on probation for 5 years for felony assault. If he violates his probation, he could go to prison for up to 4 years. That's a silver lining for you, prisoners of L.A.!

Chris was also ordered to stay away from RiRi and he must complete a domestic violence counseling program.

I wonder if they wrapped up this deal in fancy paper with a purdy bow on top, because this shit is a gift to Chris Brown.

Image: Johnny Louis/Wenn

The dolt who is suing Chris Brown and L.A. Fitness is the star witness for the defense thanks to this video shot right after the incident. Robert Rosen filed a lawsuit yesterday claiming Chris' bodyguards and a gym employee caused him to fall down the stairs. Robert says that while he was lying on the ground, they beat his ass. They must have beat all the common sense out of his ass.

In the video, Robert seems as perky as a boner. Robert laughs it off to the paps and said that falling down the stairs was kind of his fault. Oh, well. It doesn't look like money is going to rain all over Robert any time soon. At least he's always have his looks. I wonder what the demand is for a third-rate Rob Estes impersonator?

Chris Brown received a special gift today in the form a lawsuit filed by some dude named Robert Rosen. Robert claims Chris Brown's bodyguards beat him something good at an L.A. Fitness last March.

Radar says that on March 13th, Chris and his friends were playing basketball when Robert decided he wanted to get a few pictures of him. Chris' bodyguards immediately stepped in and told him to flutter away. But when Robert tried to leave, he says an L.A. Fitness employee blocked him and started to manhandle him. This led to Robert falling down stars (HA: Why is picturing people fall down stairs so fucking funny?). Instead of giving him a helping hand, Chris Brown's bodyguards whooped his ass. Chris trained them well.

Robert is suing both Chris and L.A. Fitness for assault, battery, intentional infliction of emotional distress, negligence, premises liability and false imprisonment. Robert is asking for Chris to sing him an acoustic version of "I'm Sowwy," followed by a kiss on the cheek and a basket full of fluffy bunnies. Of course not. Robert wants money money money money money money MONEY!!!!!!

It doesn't seem like Chris himself ever brought down his fist on Robert's face or body, but he's the one being sued. Maybe Chris ordered his bodyguards to pelt that bitch? Or maybe Robert is just taking advantage of the whole Ike & Tina '09 situation and thinks he can make quick a dollar. It's the American way! Hey, it's either get a job at Arby's to pay the bills or sue a bitch.

Chris Brown has kept quiet about Ike Turnerning Alien Princess RiRi, but yesterday he posted a YouTube declaring that he is not a monster after yapping about his new album. Chris even got Bow Wow (or maybe that's an au naturale Lil' Mama?) to second that claim, so it must be true.

Chris also posted another video calling all the blogs liars for saying he has a black eye. Funny, he didn't seem to mention RiRi's black eye. Oh well. And when did Bow Wow become Chris Brown's annoying echo? Put him on mute!

VIA Necole Bitchie

The photo that was felt around the world might get the case against Chris Brown completely dismissed. Chris' lawyer, Mark Geragos, blabbed this morning outside of the courthouse that if the beat down photo of Alien Princess RiRi was leaked by someone from inside the LAPD, he will ask that the entire case be put down.

There's currently an investigation going down as to how TMZ got a hold of the picture. Today in court, Mark asked that the preliminary hearing date be pushed back to give more time for the investigation. Mark said, "The leaks can form the basis for a motion to dismiss the case in regards to outrageous governmental misconduct." The new hearing was set for May 28th. Mark is expected to file a motion regarding the photo before then. There's also a chance that there may not even be a hearing if Chris' lawyer is able to strike up a deal with the prosecution before then.

I'm not a lawyer like Star Jones, but I'm guessing Mark Geragos is going to yammer on to the court about how the beat down photo has already made him look guilty to possible jurors....blah...blah...

That's my guess anyway. It's not like this is going to go trial. Chris will strike a deal, they will slightly tap him on the hand and tell him not to do it again. Then he'll go to anger management where he will have talk about why he's so angry and that will be that. At least that's what watching a few episodes of Law & Order tells me.

Alien beater, Chris Brown, has apparently dusted his fists off and is ready to give this love thing another go after splitting up with Alien Princess RiRi last month. According to the New York Daily News, Chris is back to busting it with his ex-girlfriend Erica Jackson who is a student at University of Mary Washington. Ugh. Erica better change her major to Getafuckingclue-nomics.

Sources say that Chris and Erica used to date back in the day, but when he went back to his native Virginia, the two started doing it again. The source went on to say that they've been getting serious the past couple of weeks and Erica has gone to L.A. with him. As for RiRi, some of Chris' friends think she's going to flip her forehead over this, “Ri is going to be so hurt that Chris has moved on so quickly and is parading this new girl around town.”

And while new/old girl is "no Rihanna," she "has a good head on her shoulders; she’s solid." I hope her good head is protected by a good fucking helmet when she's around Chris.

Chris' pr whores deny the whole thing. Of course, they deny it. It's not like they are going to admit that this whole thing is painted in a thick coat of PR STUNT (which is the exact shade of dehydrated diarrhea). That's all this is. Chris just needs a lovely little thing to defend him to the public. I can already picture Erica in a floral dress, carrying a bible in one hand and a kitten she named "Chris" in the other while saying that the only time Chris touches her is to gently stroke her cheek. The spin cycle is on high!

Chris Brown was in court today to plead "not guilty" to mangling Alien Princess RiRi. Chris will have to go back to court on April 29th for more fun and games. Everyone expected Chris to drop the "not guilty" shit, because he's currently trying to work out some kind of plea deal with prosecutors. Chris' lawyer didn't speak to reporters after the hearing, but RiRi's lawyer took the mic and said sang a few things.

He said that RiRi just wants to stick the whole thing in a bong and smoke it up, because she doesn't want to go to trial. When asked if RiRi would testify if that shit went to trial, he said she'll do anything the law requires her to do. He finished with, "My client recognizes it is not up to her what kind of deal. It is up to the D.A. to decide. She would prefer that this be resolved expeditiously and fairly... so she can get back to her life, which is exactly what she wants to do."

In related news, Dollhouse Dude was MIF (missing in fuckery) again! This isn't amusing. Dollhouse Dude is the keeper of the court (steps) and he hasn't been there to keep the foolery going! Actually, I don't think Chris' plea even counts if Dollhouse Dude isn't there to give his blessing. I'm not a lawyer, but I've done fucky times with plenty and that makes me an authority on the subject! Pull Dollhouse Dude out of the Del Taco bathroom he passed out in and get him to the court now! Mofo has a job to do.

VIA UsWeekly

Why oh why did I know this rumor was coming?! I could smell this shit a mile away and it reeks like ass cheese and butt pimple puss (you know Chris has got some pimples on that ass). I mean, we already had the wedding rumors, the baby rumors, so why not throw in a sex tape rumor? You know, while we're here!

Star Magazine claims Chris Brown busted on RiRi in a different way and captured the precious moments on camera. Sources are saying that RiRi is afraid Chris is going to leak that shit for the world to see. The source went on to say, "Rihanna has no issues with her sexuality. But she'd be mortified if her friends and family found this out! This whole beating incident is terribly humiliating for her. She's already traumatized and will do anything to make it all go away as quickly as possible."

Okay, if you're a celebwhore and your bare ass is in the air while a camera is recording, there's a good fucking chance that the eyes of many will see it. Don't lose your breath when it leaks, because you had it coming!

If you're a narcissistic whore and need to see your shit doing fucky stuff, just hook the camera up to the TV so you can watch without recording it. Or delete that shit right away. Be smart! But personally, watching myself doing that nasty shit is like watching a horror movie. It's not fun or stimulating. I learned things about my body I never wanted to know!

Chris Brown's pr whores must have busted him in the head finally, because dude got a clue and pulled himself off the list of nominees at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards. Chris was nominated for two awards which made a mob of parents scream hells naw. Bobby Brown will take his place instead. Nooooo!

Chris' spokeswhore issued this little statement today:

"Chris very much appreciates the support of his fans and the honor they have paid him in the way of nominations for Favorite Male Singer and Favorite Song.

Unfortunately, the controversy surrounding the incident last month has shifted the focus from the music to whether he should be allowed to be among those nominated.

While Chris would like to speak to his fans directly about this and other issues, pending legal proceedings preclude his doing so at this time. Once the matter before him has been resolved, he intends to do so."

"The incident?" That's what my family calls the time I farted in the bath tub and failed in a big way. My mom walked in to what looked like me sitting in a bowl of soggy Cocoa Krispies. I was 7. Okay, it was last week.

And now you can cancel your plans to break into the awards show to replace the slime with toxic acid milked from Parasite Hilton's snatch.

RiRi is back on the scene, just a few weeks after Chris Brown beat some horns into her tenhead. The Princess of the Universe hit Coco de Ville last night without her very own pocket Ike Turner. TMZ says RiRi stayed inside for 4 hours and kept her bruise covering shades on the entire time. RiRi probably spent her time busting drinks into her mouth hole and beating the Anna Mae out of that dancefloor!

It's really fucking hard to write a RiRi/Brown post without it being filled with puns. It's inevitable. The word "clubbing" fits in there somewhere.

After she finished smashing up the club, she got into a red pick-up truck with Heather Mills in the passenger seat. I'm serious. It took me a few more Sanka swigs to realize that the blonde chick was not Heather. She has the same cunty face and says "hello there" the same way Heather does.

RiRi needs to take off the sunglasses already and walk towards the exit. This whole situation is starting to fuck with her money!! Yesterday, some whores in line at the Duane Read said that because RiRi walked back into the fist, they are quitting her ass for good. And a lot of whores are saying this.

P.S. - I hate whoever was playing "My Sharona" in that clip above. I hated that song then, I hate it now and I will continue to hate it all day, because it's now stuck in my head.

VIA UsWeekly