Chris Brown

Speaking of a difficult brown....

The Grammy producers sucked on Chris Brown's taint by giving him two performances when they only gave Jennifer Hudson a quick second to sing for Whitney Houston and you'd think that would be enough for him to shut his whine hole over a pile of soft dicks, but it wasn't. Last night, The Terrible Twat of Tappahannock went on a Twitter tantrum (which his bitch ass later deleted) directed at all the "haters" who think it was wrong of the Grammys to give a lady beater air time and an award. Chris told all his haters to suck on a fuck, because he's got a Grammy now. You know, because only good people win Grammies. I bet Hitler is kicking his own asshole in hell, because if he won a Grammy we'd all forgive him.

This is the river of wailing shit that Chris Brown let out last night (via Mashable):

strange how we pick and choose who to hate!Let me ask u this.Our society is full of rappers(which I listen to)who have sold drugs (poisoning)

But yet we glorify and imitate everything they do. Then right before the worlds eyes a man shows how he can make a Big mistake and

Learnt from it, but still has to deal with day to day hatred! You guys who to hate!!! But guess what???

HATE ALL U WANT BECUZ I GOT A GRAMMY. Now! That’s the ultimate FUCK OFF.

Yes, Chris is showing with these Tweets that he's completely changed and is now a charming, calm, rational individual who no longer has anger management issues.

Even if you took away the fact that Chris almost beat RiRi's face off, he would still be a chair-hurling, window-breaking, tantrum-throwing, nutless anus bag whose brain stopped developing in the womb. Chris Brown hasn't learned shit and he's still a piece of shit. I know, that's an insult to shit. The next time you take a shit, please apologize to it on my behalf.

Answering "yes" to the question "Is the dick so good that it makes you want to double slap yourself?" is one thing. But answering "yes" to the question "Is the dick so good that you're willing to get triple punched into the E.R.?" is another.

UsWeekly has echoed (see: copy and pasted) CDAN's blind item about how RiRi is eating the cake again, Anna Mae, by hopping on the pool noodle dick attached to the rage-stuffed ass roid who Ike Turnered her in the eye several times.

Some "music industry insider" tells UsWeekly that RiRi's coochie found lust on a hopeless ass again and it's been going on for about a year.

"She comes to see him anytime she's in L.A. They can't get enough of each other. I don't see it ending well. Rihanna loves to live dangerously, and talking to and hooking up with Chris is all part of that."

Chris Brown's spokeswhore punched the letters L, I and E into this story and claim that he's not stepping out on his girlfriend Karrueche Tran. But the L.A. Times recently put their magnifying glass to a few Tweets from RiRi. RiRi Twatted this mess right after pics of Chris with his piece spending New Year's together came out:

How can you lie to her, while u lay with me???.....If you don't have an answer, you don't have to answer.

That Tweet is a wreck and doesn't have an ounce of sense on it, so it's probably just a lyric to one of RiRi's songs. But if UsWeekly and CDAN are right, then I hope that all those huge ass blunts RiRi is getting baked on in Hawaii will erase the part of her brain that is telling her Chris Brown's dangerous dick is crack and her pussy is Pete Doherty. Weed don't fail us now!

Chris Brown's BlackBerry keys got a serious beatdown by his fingers last night when he had himself a dramatic cunt meltdown over people bringing up the fact that he beat RiRi three years ago. If Fist Brown was completely over it the way he wants everybody to get over it, he would've ignored the Tweets, turned his mouth into the shut position and kept moving right along. But it's obviously still a sore button for his stupid piece of trash ass and so he erupted like a douche volcano and out came a stream of molten wah wah wahs that kept eyeballs a' rollin' all night long:

"I dont say shit to anybody and everyone feels its cool to attack me. GROWN ADULTS!!!! that shit happened three years ago!

TWITTER GETS WACK REAL FAST! I LOVE ALL THE POEPLE WHO SUPPORT MY MUSIC! i never said i was a LEGEND

people please grow up. Ive never dealt with so much negativity in my life! its to the point now that its just ridiculous! IM NOT A POLITICIAN! MY MUSIC DOESNT PROMOTE VIOLENCE nor will it ever! only thing it will increase is the pregnacy rate! I wake up thinking of living my life.....

YOU wake up thinking of me! NOW I REALLY CANT WAIT FOR THE AMA's! u dont have to respect me now... but u will

Global Grind says that Chris deleted most of his timeline including those Tweets above and vowed to take a break from pounding his Twatter for a while.

That is seriously the worst "LET ME BE GREAT" speech ever. Isn't Twitter's unofficial motto: it's not that serious. Seriously, it's just Twitter. When somebody Tweets some shit that doesn't agree with you, it's called "log off, shut down all systems and calm yourself on a dick." Even toddlers who throw a hissy fit over their diapers being too tight are like DAMN.

Never has something deserved a SHUT THE FUCK UP more than Chris' toddler Twitter tantrum. And I wasn't planning on sitting through the AMAs, but now I will. The only way Chris can earn my respect is by getting his jaw wired shut right after he declares a vow of every kind of silence, so I can't wait!

Chris Brown slipped his duck legs into an alien bodysuit for his Halloween costume, which I can only describe as a "huge green dick slapping the word 'attention' over and over again" and Tweeted a picture of it with the note: "I don't think I can wear this costume tonight! Gonna change!" Yeah, Chris used a lot of characters to basically say: LOOKATME!

I would say that Chris needs to have a seat on a Chris Brown dildo so that he can fuck himself, but humping on the spotlight by posing for this picture is keeping him distracted from the tampon that is obviously trying to escape out of his crotch. Shhh. Don't tell Chris. Run, tampon, run!

Source: Chris Brown's Twatter via ONTD

Looking like she just crawled out of a garbage disposal or fucked the Swamp Thing on a compost pile, the Barbadian alien strikes a "scratching at my athlete's foot" pose on November's cover of Esquire. Esquire's offices must be located in a world where the Duchess of Alba and the First Lady of Camerooooon don't exist, because they named RiRi their sexiest woman alive. But I have a feeling RiRi won that title by default, because she's the only one who raised her hand when Esquire asked who wanted to be photographed looking like the Jolly Green Giant farted her out.

In the issue, RiRi says that even though she does dozens of dry Kama Sutra positions on stage every night, she isn't just a horny goat who will crotch hump the air if a body or an inmate object is not available. RiRi claims that she only does first degree ho shit if the song calls for it (examples of her songs that call for it: ALL OF THEM). RiRi then got into some Chris Brown talk and only had nice things to say about his stupid ass:

"It's incredible to see how he pulled out of it the way he did. Even when the world seemed like it was against him, you know? I really like the music he's putting out. I'm a fan of his stuff. I've always been a fan. Obviously, I had some resentment toward him for a while, for obvious reasons. But I've put that behind me. It was taking up too much of my time. It was too much anger. I'm really excited to see the breakthrough he's had in his career. I would never wish anything horrible for him. Never. I never have."

RiRi, you nasty bitch. "....to see how he pulled out of it the way he did"? RiRi knew exactly what kind of images the Etch-A-Sketch in our brains would draw while reading that line. Chris Brown's dick is about as long as RiRi's thirtyhead, so it'll take an hour or fifty for him to pull out of anything. You can have breakfast, lunch, dinner and three sensible snacks on his shaft as he pulls out. You can recreate the glove on the bottle scene from the Laverne & Shirley opening on his shaft as he slowly pulls out of an ass. RiRi just had to do that to me.

I don't agree with RiRi, though. Even if you took away the fact that he beat her down, Chris Brown is still a douche bottle full of dick-shaped shits. Chris is just a gigantic anus with a big dick. Great. Now I have the image of a gigantic anus slowly pulling its dick out of another anus. I hate you, RiRi.

Above is somebody's Romanian grandmama straight-up falling out of her good shoes after trying to conquer two tiny steps and losing. Below is everyone's least favorite long-donged douchehole eating floor with his butt during a show in Indianapolis last night. Watch and compare:

The Chris Brown one is making me HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA until my keyboard goes hoarse. Watching Chris slip and bust his ass feels like two tiny kittens hugging my eyeballs. What a beautiful sight. The only way this could've been better is if the falling satellite played the role of Chris Brown's ass and Chris Brown's head played the role of the stage floor during a reenactment of this minutes later.

The other video, I refuse to laugh at. I REFUSE! I have been trained to swallow down any laugh crawling up my throat over a granny going BOOM. My abuelita once crashed through a screen door and the first thing she did after adjusting her control-top hose was to check to make sure that not even a sliver of a smile was on my face. So I must not laugh at this Romanian memaw's hair cape hilariously flying through the air as she does the twist onto the floor. This is a setup and I will not fall for this trick!

That being said, all points go to the Tumbling Romanian Grandma!

via Best Week Ever & TMZ

Just when you thought Lindsay Lohan was already lying at the bottom of a mountain of pathetic desperation, the moronic duffel bag of clearance bin coke grabs a shovel and digs even further.

While watching Chris Brown beat the stage at the VMAs, Blohan felt the urge to subtlety purge about her horniness for Urkel Turner by blowing him a Twatter wink:

@ChrisBrown killed it. #MTVVMAs

@chrisbrown wanna meet?

All the used kitty litter Blohan snorts when she can't afford an 8-ball has eaten every bit of dignity she had left, because bitch doesn't even give a fuck anymore. Yes, most of us scream our faces off about how this dumb fuck needs to get some sense beaten into her, but I don't think this is what we had in mind. Speaking of that, Blohan is going to be extremely disappointed when she finds out that the kind of fisting she gets into is not the same kind of fisting Chris Brown gets into.

Chris Brown's neighbors didn't need to get punched in the eye and bit in the cheek to realize that he's an asshole of the highest degree. They learned the easy way that the craft project Urkel is a douchebag royale who only cares about himself. Would you be surprised if I told you those safety pins came from the diapers of orphans? Nope.

TMZ says that Chris moved into a West Hollywood condo just a few months ago and he's already made enemies with the building manager and his neighbors. The building manager says Chris keeps parking his cars in handicapped spaces and his neighbors are threatening to have his shit towed. Chris' lawyer says that those parking spaces belong to him and it's the developers fault for not telling him that those spaces are for the disabled. Chris' lawyer is fighting with the building over the spaces. But the building manager says Chris is also guilty of parking in other handicapped spaces too.

Chris' neighbors are also banging at the walls over his loud parties and the dog races he holds in the hallways at all hours of the night.

Chris' neighbors might be showing hate for him, but they are still a group of law-abiding polite citizens. There are some buildings I know where the people don't play. Air would've been let out of tires. A mound of dog caca wrapped in a banana peel would've somehow made its way into his car's exhaust pipe. When I lived in CA, I dated some dude who lived in a building like that and I'd purposely park in the wrong space just so that when I did the walk of shame to my car at the end of the night, I'd find a special present in the form of "DUMB DICK" written on my door in cinnamon toothpaste.

That being said, Chris should defend these claims by showing them this picture of his foolish ass looking like the Good Humor man with a magnet dildo shoved all the way up into his gut. It will help him prove that he suffers from a chronic disability called assholism.

Coming to you LIVE from the backwoods of FUCKansas so please be patient as I had to run a phone line to the neighbors double-wide! Yea, we only have 56k dial up connection because the wifi in my parents basement doesn't pick up SHIT. Thank THE LAWD Miller Lite distributing has hooked my ass up to an IV drip as this is gonna be a long fucking week!!

Sprint and BET have teamed up with the makers of DUH! to bring you new award winning technology on announcing the Coca-Cola Viewer's Choice Award... Drake is not amused!!

After announcing Chris Brown as the winner this Tiffany chick realized it was not the People's Beatdown Award and vomited up a "WHOOPSIE", naming Rihanna as the winner! This is almost as bad as the time I was in bed with Sweetas and called out Snowy's name - NOT THE ONE!

No, I'm not talking about the Team Breezy that came in fourth place in the international queef championships. Not this time, anyway. Rosie O'Donnell came to Chris Brown's defense on her Sirius radio show today when she said that Good Morning America's Robin Roberts should've taken half of the blame for Urkel Rodman Hulk-ing out and beating a window with a chair. Rosie feels Chris' pain and seems to think that the media is trying to poke the rage out of him even though he's paid his debt to society. If Rosie O'Donnell is trying to make miss the days when she called Tommy Girl "a cutie patootie" and gave away Happy Meal toys to her audience members, it's working. This is what Rosie had to say this morning in Chris' defense:

On how Charlie Sheen is a hero (no, he's not) and Chris Brown is Satan's mutated Q-tip: "I don't know why this kid seems to be held to a different standard than anybody else."

On how the questions about Rihanna triggered the Meat Loaf in Chris Brown: "I felt mildly angry at Robin Roberts. I felt like writing her and going: 'Can you take a look at this again and see if maybe you find -- in any way -- your responsibility in this?'"

On how she doesn't blame Chris for murdering a chair and a window: "Part of me wanted to take a chair and throw it through the window at The View after all that happened. But, you know, there are no windows down there in that rat-infested cellar. Remember that cellar we were in?" O'Donnell said to her radio producer. There were no windows. It was like a prison."

Rosie O defended herself on Twitter after some of her followers questioned her comments:

@MaxiamMomEsq - if u listened to the conversation on the radio program - u would have a better understanding of my point of view - the post?

@HollywoodDebi he was held accountable - he did his service - the judge commended him - he grew up in a violent home - he is only 21 -

@shyladare @HollywoodDebi - i dont think i am - i have compassion for both he and rhianna - its is not a simple discussion - layers n layers

@shyladare @HollywoodDebi - he is a victim too

Here we fucking go. We're still on the Charlie Sheen vs. Chris Brown thing? Rosie and other bitches like her keep saying that we're holding up the warlock prince on a throne made of troll bones while kicking Chris Brown into the gutter below. They must be watching a totally different movie than I am. Charlie is out of a job and is getting booed at his own sold-out joke of a show. Chris has the #1 album in the country, millions of fans and is still getting invited into green rooms everywhere even though he pretty much destroyed one. They're both hardcore assholes, they both have supporters, they both have haters and they're both doing just fine.

One of the differences is that almost every time somebody asks Chris a question he doesn't like, he throws a full body tantrum and takes it out on innocent victims (see: the chair at GMA). Chris should just take a page from Britney Spears' PR playbook and stop doing live interviews if certain questions hurt him in his BOO FUCKING HOO place. You'd think Chris is a fragile porcelain baby bunny because of how he gets so hurt over simple questions. Guess what, Chris? Fragile porcelain baby bunnies don't break windows when they get butthurt.

So, Rosie needs to update her files, because most of us (I took a poll) think that both Charlie and Chris are awful fucking cunts. Equally. And after Rosie does that, can she please get in my kitchen! Her face has the exact complexion I'd like the top of my lasagna to have.