Chris Brown

Chris Brown tells MTV's This Is How I Made It (via UsWeekly) that a lot of people see him as the throbbing asshole boil that he truly is and he knows they might always think that, but he doesn't care, because he knows deep within the mound of Lucifer shit in his chest that he's doing what he can to be a better person.

"Having to get personal opinion back and having to gain personal success back. . . it's not all the way back, you know? But it's one of my most humbling experiences. I can't hate people for making judgment on me or making a decision of liking me or not liking me. All I can do is try to be better as a person, and I'm good with knowing everything isn't always going to be perfect."

No, Chris won't hate you if you think he's trash. He'll just break a bottle over your head, punch you in the face and call you a faggot. That's all. Let's see, Chris has thrown a chair through a window at Good Morning America, got into a fight with Wheelchair Jimmy, stole a girl's iPhone, dressed up like a terrorist for Halloween and rage whined on Twitter about everything. Yup, he's definitely showing us that he's a better person and he's not a rage-filled monster who needs to have a seat on Oprah's favorite frozen dildo. Keep up the good work, Fist!

They're really slow clapping in Hell for Chris Brown tonight. Just when you think that Chris Brown is as worthless as a piece of dried dog shit stuck in the crevices on the bottom of your sneaker and can't get any shittier, he finds a way to get even shittier! Fist Brown and his pack of dick bags thought it would be really hilarious to dress up as stereotypical Arab terrorists for Halloween. Don't even bother asking WHY? Only tampon-brained toilet turds who are only capable of making crap decisions would pull some shit like this and that's exactly what Chris Brown is.

Since Chris Brown is trying to be some hard terrorist, I just have to ask: Where are SEAL Team Six when we really, really need them?

Source: Instagram via ONTD

At one of my high school pep rallies, the dance team entertained us students by doing a hump dance against a folding chair to Silk's "Freak Me Baby" while wearing bodysuits. Now that's wholesome and educational entertainment! But those wholesome days are gone, because nowadays little teen bitches are entertaining the students by re-enacting Chris Brown beating RiRi and they're doing it in BLACK FACE. Stop the world, I want to throw these bitches off. Where the HELL was Nell Carter when the students of Waverly High School needed her?

A student at Waverly High School in Waverly, NY posted this picture on Facebook of three students earning a PhD in Bad Decision Making by doing a Fist Brown-RiRi skit in blackface. CNN iReport says this was all approved by the administration. How the hell did that happen? "So, the principal is going to open with a speech on the importance of recycling, the school band will perform 'Call Me Maybe,' three students in blackface will beat other and then if we have time our flying cheer team will re-enact 9/11 before a James Holmes look-alike will end the assembly by shooting blanks into the air."

One Waverly High School alumnus who was at the pep rally said that parents and teachers were also there and nobody did anything. A lot of students even laughed so the devil didn't have to. This isn't the first time Waverly High School brought the blackface foolery in full force. Last year, one student painted himself in blackface to play Tiger Woods in a skit. The alumnus said this:

"I think it's unconscionable that such blatant racism has been tacitly approved two years in a row. The administration should be creating an environment where minorities are welcome, not the butts of racist jokes that make light of domestic violence."

The superintendent of the school district said that they are investigating that mess after getting dozens of complaints:

"The Waverly School District is committed to creating a positive atmosphere through our activities. I will be working with our building administrators, our staff and our students to examine our current activities and develop future activities consistent with our commitment. Ultimately, our administrators are going to need to meet with the whole student body to set clear expectations for our behavior and the impact it has on all people."

The superintendent went on to say, "...and then we're going to reprimand the three students involved in this skit, because Chris Brown never beat Rihanna with an umbrella and Rihanna doesn't suffer from Vitiligo. That's just lazy blackfacing." 

And the Weather Channel is reporting that the Southwest part of America is experiencing gusty winds, because everybody in Florida just breathed out a sigh of relief over this fuckery not happening in Florida.

Oh Rihanna. I usually love bad girls (see la Liz, Amy Winehouse and Kate Moss) but she makes it so very, very difficult. It's not the shitty music, or the titty baring outfits, or the seemingly low I.Q. It's that annoying habit she has of talking. You know, expressing herself.

So in this US Magazine article, they cover Vogue's November issue where they interview RiRi and here are just a few of the eloquent quotes that fluttered from her mouth like a delicate butterfly on a soft warm breeze. And because some of you may not speak butterfly, I took the liberty of translating for you.

"I would love to go on a date. You don't think that? I'm a woman. A young woman, vibrant, and I love to have fun. And I have too many vaginas around me at this point."

Translation: Chris Brown never takes me anywhere. And I'm tired of him and his friends all up in my house.

"No one asks. Trust me on that. I'm waiting for the man who's ballsy enough to deal with me. I'm going to wait, though. You always find the wrong shit when you go looking."

Translation: Chris never takes me anywhere. And he is all pencil frank and no beans.

About her re-kindling her friendship (read: they're totally fucking) with Chris after her infamous 2009 beat-down, she said:

"(fans are) not on the inside. They can't see what I see, unless they're sitting in my point of view. I guess I’ll learn to accept that."

Translation: You can't see what I see, because looking through black eyes makes things kinda blurry.

Like something out of the worst episode of Taxicab Confessions, a drunk Chris Brown mumbles in a video he tweeted to his followers that he's not trying to be a player or a dog and that he doesn't want to hurt anyone, but he's in love with both RiRi and Karrstablewatercrackers (or whatever her name is). If Chris Brown really didn't want to hurt them, he should down an Ambien and take a long nap on railroad tracks or have his fightin' limbs surgically replaced with extra plush teddy bears.

Never mind that Chris is looking like a tattooed Day of the Dead skeleton on meth, what gets me is that this isn't just some rambling video diary he recorded on his webcam at 4 in the morning. This took some production. They brought out storyboards, had meetings in conference rooms and spent time editing this mess. Professionals probably worked on this crap. Not once did the editor stop, realize what they were doing and then rolled their office chair out of the editing room and kept on rolling, rolling, rolling until they were out the exit door. This is some "True Life: I'm A Colossal Piece Of Trash" shit that'll make you roll backwards until you're far, far away.

And of course, RiRi piped in yesterday too:

Yes, it's nobody's bidness besides you, your baby and your 26 million Twitter followers. Ugh. Will somebody please take away this dumb dumb's medical marijuana card and give it to me?

via USWeekly

I wish I was telling you this is a blurry picture of Isaac and Gopher from the Love Boat (or Emmanuel Lewis and Joyce DeWitt) confirming their love, but sadly that isn't so. This is The Difficult Brown and RiRi sitting to next to each other during Jay-Z's show at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn last night. Doesn't Jay-Z hate HATE hate Chris Brown or is that another lie Blue Ivy Carter told me? If Chris Brown is Jay-Z's 100th problem, then RiRi bringing him to the concert last night was a for real slap in the face. And yes, I know what I did there and I meant to do it.

While Jim Lehrer (who hypnotized me with his teddy bear eyes) tried to referee the shank fight between the leader of the Bloods and the leader of the Crips last night, Chris Brown and RiRi cuddled up next to Beyonce and Rita Ora in the VIP section of Jay-Z's show. Elliot Wilson of Rap Radar Instagram'd this picture that doctors will use on patients with Amblyopia to get them to roll their lazy eye back into place. Fist Brown also barfed up some statement to Hollywood Life confirming that he's no longer humping on Karcuchi Tran and RiRi is the reason why. That Karcuchi trick should breath a sigh of relief, because she dodged a fist.

Whatever. It's just like what my mom said to my 3rd grade teacher when she was told that I was failing math: Just let a dumb ho be a dumb ho! (Or like what the farmer said about the broken gardening tool in his shed.) If RiRi wants to trade in her dignity and self-respect for some climbing rope dick, let her. But can she please keep it out of club bathrooms, because the toilets want no part of that grossness.

Here's RiRi going to the airport after Jay-Z's show and a highly punchable Chris Brown derp derp derp-ing into his hotel.

A million years ago I walked into the bathroom of some goth club in L.A. and listened to (and saw) some drunk, stumbling mess in the first stall get the barfs from the butt and miss the toilet. I thought that was the most disgusting shit (punned on purpose) to ever happen in a club bathroom, but that mess was nothing compared to what happened in the bathroom of the NYC nightclub Griffin on Tuesday morning. Both Page Six and the NYDN say that in the bathroom of the Griffin, RiRi and Chris Brown got physical, only this time she didn't end up in the emergency room.

Some witness tells Page Six that RiRi showed up to the club after Fist Brown did and sat at a table near his.  Fist Brown made his way to RiRi's table, lifted up his shirt and the two started freaking on each other and mouth fucking. You'd think that the bathroom would already be occupied by people barfing their souls out from watching those stupid bitches get gross on each other, but it wasn't, because RiRi and Fist Brown went in there together. When they came out of the bathroom, the witness says RiRi looked a little "ruffled." Fist Brown and his entourage of dick bags left at around 4 in the morning and RiRi followed five minutes later. Hollywood Life says that RiRi went back for more, because she was partying with Fist Brown at 1 Oak last night.

Sometimes dickmatization is a serious disease and will fuck you up in more ways than one. I'm trash, so I'm all for bathroom sex, but I'm not for having bathroom sex with a nasty ass wart who nearly punched your face into the next zip code. If RiRi is that adick-ded to Fist Brown, she should just stick a pool noodle on an angry beaver toy and ride that instead. It's the same thing and way more safe. Gross bitches, the both of them.

Speaking of addiction, I am addicted to House Hunters International and have probably seen every episode at least 5 times. Lately, they've been repeating this one episode from Brazil over and over again. So when I first read this story about Fist bending RiRi over a toilet, my first thought was this:

My thoughts exactly, Rafaella. And the same thought goes for the shit RiRi wore yesterday in NYC.

At one of the HMVs in London, a Chris Brown hater threw yards of shade at him by throwing a warning label on his album "Fortune." The warning label should've read "WARNING: This shit music will make you feel like you've been punched in the ear drums," but instead it tells customers to not support a lady beater by buying his CD. Gigwise (via ONTD) thinks a group of anti-domestic violence activists came up with this pricelessness and also slapped these stickers on other Fist Brown albums at other HMVs around London. Fist Brown hasn't responded to this, but when he does, I'm sure it'll look something like this: ARRRRGHHHARGGGGGHHHHHARRRRRGHHH!

I'm all for this, because I'm all for warning labels being on everything. We don't have enough warning labels in this world. This same label should be on every Sean Penn movie and ever DVD with Charlie Sheen in it. There should also be a label on every Ke$hit CD warning you that listening to that mess will make you want to cut your ears off with a dull kitchen knife. There should be a label on every True Blood DVD warning you that looking at a shirtless ASkars might force you to run to the nearest Ikea to hump on a plate of Swedish meatballs. There should be a label on this site warning you that if you read at least one post, brain cells will trickle out of your nose and you'll suddenly have an unnatural craving for dick cheese. Warning labels on everything!

"It's not RiRi!" is what Fist Brown's rep said when everyone figured he passed the pinnacle of psychopathness by getting a trophy tattoo of RiRi's beaten face on his neck. Fist Brown said that his new neck tattoo isn't of RiRi, it's of a Day of the Dead skull. (So basically, it's a tattooed warning to his future girlfriends letting them know what will happen to them if they try to check his cell phone while he's driving.) Fist Brown got another ugly tattoo the other day and I'm sure this one also has nothing to do with RiRi even though he got it on the same place as her tribute to her Gran Gran tattoo. Coincidence!

Fist Brown got a tattoo of a fighter jet under his nipples, because in case we didn't know from him punching faces off and throwing chairs through windows, he's a fighter. But I think Fist Brown is trying to tell us something else with that tattoo, because that doesn't look like a fighter jet to me. It looks like a flying peen head crashing directly into a swollen anus. It's the most fitting tattoo he's ever gotten.

via NYDN

Chris Brown achieved the impossible, he actually made himself look nastier. It's like if you looked at a pile of shit and thought to yourself, "There's no way this pile of shit can look grosser." Then someone comes along and barfs on it and you say, "I stand corrected!"

Last night, TMZ posted a picture of Fist Brown at some party in Las Vegas on September 1st and pointed at the new hideous skid mark on his neck. They asked, "Is it RiRi?" The Daily Mail then took that picture of Fist's new tattoo and posted it next to a picture of RiRi's beaten face for comparison. In the close up, it really doesn't look like RiRi's face to me. It looks like a 5-year-old with Carpal Tunnel took a MAC face chart and painted Dia de los Muertos make-up on it using a faded BIC pen. It's trash either way.

And some source close to Fist Brown tells TMZ that it's not a tattoo of RiRi, "it's a random woman." I think what that source really meant to say is, "It's just some other random woman he beat the shit out of."