Apparently, The Difficult Brown deleted his Instagram page right after Jesus' lawyer sent him a cease and desist for using his shitty art to compare himself to God and St. Bea Arthur's child (Jesus is Bea Arthur's biological child and you can't tell me otherwise). But MTV News says Chris Brown has another account on Instagram that's private and he used it to cry butt tears of woe over the latest mound of shit that he created and stepped in. Chris Brown once again threw himself on the cross and bitch and moaned about he's sick of people throwing hate at him. It really is hard out for there for an entitled rage monster who thinks that he's above the law (see also: Lindsay Lohan).
Chris Brown is right. Why can't everyone just leave Chris Brown alooooone, because it's obvious that he's a changed man who has totally taken responsibility for being an asshole and shows this every day through his actions. You know when Chris Brown murdered a mirror with a chair at Good Morning America? That was a changed man! You know when Chris Brown got into a parking lot brawl with Frank Ocean instead of walking away to avoid trouble? That was a changed man! You know how Chris Brown made up all those community service hours because he thinks he's above the law? That's a changed man!
Chris Brown isn't Jesus. That's unfair to say, because Chris Brown has it worse than Jesus! Jesus was just nailed to a cross and left to bleed and starve to death. Chris Brown has to deal with bitches on Twitter and the media constantly calling him out for being an unchanged asshole. That's worse! Churches everywhere should swipe out their statues of Jesus on the cross for statues of Chris Brown crying in front of a laptop at all the mean comments, because that's real suffering.
And please, like anything is going to happen to Chris in court today. It's California! But maybe he should change his last name to "Lohan" to make sure.
UPDATE: Chris Brown denies this rant came from him and says it came from a fake Instagram account. I should've known it wasn't him when he said he wasn't Jesus.
The Difficult Brown's Community Could Be Revoked After The D.A. Accused Him Of Faking His Community Service
Chris Brown got 180 days of community service after he pleaded guilty to beating on RiRi and all he had to do was to complete all 180 days, but since he's an entitled anal sore, he didn't! Obviously. The Los Angeles Times, TMZ and Reuters say that the L.A. District Attorney is going to ask a judge to snatch away Chris Brown's probation, because they believe he faked most of his community service hours with a little help from his mother Mom Breezy and the Chief of Police in Richmond, VA.
Even though The Difficult Brown's case was in California, the judge still allowed him to complete all his community service in his home state of Virginia. The D.A. said that on Chris Brown's community service records they found three times when it was impossible for him to be doing community service, because he was either performing at a concert or riding on a private jet to Mexico.
Chris Brown also claims that he did hundreds of hours of community service at the Tappahannock Children's Center and his mom, who was the director there once, was in charge of giving him jobs and scheduling times for him to come in after-hours. But an administrator at the children's center said she never saw Chris Brown doing any work there. And Chris Brown says he waxed the floors there several times, but the dude who regularly waxes the floor says he's the only one who's touched those floors with wax for 3 years. The floor waxer guy also told the D.A. that one administrator at the children's center tried to get him to lie about Chris Brown waxing the floors, but he refused. Chris Brown also claimed that he picked up trash in "various alleys" around Richmond, but he didn't know which alleys exactly, because the paparazzi were always following him.
Bryan T. Norwood, Richmond's Chief of Police who knew Chris Brown personally before all of this (wink wink), wrote a letter to the judge last September saying that The Difficult Brown went above and beyond by doing 220 days of community service when he only needed to do 180 days. But the spreadsheets that Chris Brown turned in show that he only did 162 days of community service.
The D.A. says that either Chris Brown's community records are sloppy as shit or he made most of that mess up. There's a hearing in L.A. tomorrow and the D.A. wants the judge to take away Chris Brown's violation and force him to redo all those community service hours in L.A. County.
The D.A. is also going to bring up his parking lot brawl with Frank Ocean, his phone-snatching incident in Miami, his assault on a window at Good Morning America and the fact that he tested positive for weed.
The Difficult Brown's lawyer said that the D.A.'s office are out of their minds and they are slandering Chris Brown's pristine image as a responsible human adult.
Okay, Chris Brown is dumber than a dried dingle on a dog's hairy asshole for making up community service hours and thinking they weren't going to find out. But he's extra dumb for saying that he was picking up trash in Virginia when he was really wrapping his ten foot long pencil dick around some girl's neck on a private jet to Mexico. Of course they're going to find out. THE GOVERNMENT KNOWS EVERYTHING! Besides, we're really supposed to believe that Chris Brown spent 220 days of his life doing community service? When did he find the time to get into club fights and use his pool noodle dick to trick RiRi into thinking he's not a corroded ass wart anymore?
Chris Brown's lawyer should argue that it wasn't him on that private jet to Mexico, it was an HGH-addicted gremlin that they hired to be his double. Because I'd totally buy that.
Frank Ocean just ruined the party. Here I was ready to put on my cone party hat and throw the confetti as The Difficult Brown was dragged off to a jail cell in cuffs. But cancel the DJ, make your grandma a plate and roll up the dance floor, because the party has been canceled now that Frank Ocean is trying to be the bigger man by not pressing charges against Chris Brown. Boo you whore!
Right after Chris Brown and Frank Ocean got into a parking lot brawl, Frank was supposedly thinking about throwing charges at Fist Brown for punching him in the face. No charges will be thrown at Chris. Yesterday, Frank got all poetic when he said in a note on his site that he's going to forgive Chris Brown and move on without pressing charges, because he's a modern person and an artist and a sanity chooser.
AS A CHILD I THOUGHT IF SOMEONE JUMPED ME IT WOULD RESULT IN ME MURDERING OR MUTILATING A MAN. BUT AS A MAN I AM NOT A KILLER. I’M AN ARTIST AND A MODERN PERSON. I’LL CHOOSE SANITY. NO CRIMINAL CHARGES. NO CIVIL LAWSUIT. FORGIVENESS, ALBEIT DIFFICULT, IS WISDOM. PEACE, ALBEIT TRITE, IS WHAT I WANT IN MY SHORT LIFE. PEACE.
Meanwhile, Frank's producer Michael Uzowur wrote in a blog post on Formspring (via TMZ) that he thinks the whole thing was a set up. Frank showed up to the studio and found Chris Brown's Lamborghini parked in a space that was clearly marked with the name FRANK. When Chris Brown came out with his entourage, Frank told him to move his car. That's when a big dude in Chris' entourage fisted one of Frank's friends Chito in the face for no reason. As the big dude continued to bruise up Chito, Chris and Chris' friend pushed Frank into a glass candle display and tried to beat all the oceans out of his ass. Michael thinks that Chris planned it from the beginning.
Fighting over a parking spot and then breaking a glass candle display? Some fight! This mess sounds like a fight between your abuelita and my abuelita in front of a Hallmark store. (SPOILER ALERT: My abuelita wins by pulling your abuelita's dentures out.)
I don't know what's worse: Frank Ocean not kicking Chris Brown into a cell or Frank Ocean pressing the Kanye key on his laptop before typing the bad news to us. I can't look at you, Frank Ocean!
After Chris Brown and Frank Ocean battled to be the Queen of the Parking Space, The Difficult Brown used his hands to make this busted down, community college art class painting of Jesus and his back-up cross hangers. Fist Brown posted his painting on Instagram and added the note: "Painting the way I feel today. Focus on what matters!" By the look of this painting, I'm guessing what really matters to Chris Brown is man abs, because DAMN he spent a lot of time with Jesus' rock hard ab biscuits and V muscle. Jesus take the ab wheel! But couldn't Jesus stop doing ab crunches for a minute so that he could dye his beard to match his hair? How are you going to spread the good word with a beard that is several shades lighter than your hair? Jesus would never work the two-tone look so this painting is a FRAUD!
While The Difficult Brown is off comparing himself to Jesus, the New York Post says that Frank Ocean is thinking about pressing charges against him. Frank still claims that Fist Brown threw the first punch that started the brawl. The L.A. County Sheriff's Department says that Chris Brown hasn't been hit with charges yet, but they are investigating. TMZ says that Fist Brown wants to talk to the police with his lawyer, because he claims he never hit anyone. The fight apparently started in the parking lot and then moved to the lobby where Chris Brown's dudes and Frank Ocean's dudes wrecked the whole place up. The surveillance footage from the lobby fight shows Team Breezy and Team Ocean creating waves in the lobby (Get it, because breezy + ocean = waves? Leave me alone, it's early!), but the video never shows Chris or Frank throwing a punch. There's no surveillance footage from the parking lot, so nobody knows who started it.
Chris Brown's lawyer should argue that his client could never throw a punch at Frank, because Frank doesn't have a vagina and tits. A valid argument! Not guilty! All charges dropped! But seriously, all of this over a stupid ass parking space? Everybody involved needs to have their licenses revoked and should be forced to take the bus from now on, because they are not worthy of any parking space. Slapping a trick over a parking space is just some dumb shit. When somebody steals your parking space, this is how you handle it:
Learn from Evelyn Couch. TOWANDA!
Because Chris Brown is still a throbbing pus-filled ass pimple that refuses to pop, he and his entourage got into a huge fight with Frank Ocean and Frank Ocean's entourage at the Westlake recording studio in West Hollywood last night. We all know that Chris Brown would karate chop a baby bunny in the froat if he thought that baby bunny was looking at him funny, but there's two sides to this mess of a story and one side says that Frank Ocean started it.
A member of Team Fist Brown tells TMZ that when Chris started to leave the studio last night, Frank stopped him and let the Difficult Brown know who's the head bitch of parking lot spaces by saying, "This is my studio, this is my parking lot." Chris apparently tried to smooth things over by shaking Frank's hand, but when he put his arm out, one of Frank's dudes attacked a bitch. That's when one of Fist Brown's dudes jumped in and went after Frank's friend. The police were called after Fist Brown and Frank Ocean started throwing fists at each other. Fist Brown took off before the police arrived, but Frank Ocean stayed to talk to them. Frank told the police that the fight started over a parking space and Fist Brown punched him in the face first. The police are calling Frank Ocean "the victim" because he stayed around to talk to them and the police want to have words with Fist Brown.
But Frank Ocean went on Twitter right after the brawl and said that The Difficult Brown is the one who started it by jumping him. (FYI: Everest is Frank Ocean's dog and he definitely would've handled that situation by side-eyeing a bitch out the exit door.)
The New York Post also co-signs Frank's statement. They heard from other witnesses that Fist Brown is the one who fisted Frank in the face first.
Hmmm, who to believe? Who to believe? A dude, who as far as I know doesn't have a history of beating people or a spoiled, dried up, bleached dingle berry who nearly punched his girlfriend's face off and throws daily tantrums over the dumbest shit? This is a hard one!
And I hope that while Frank and Fist Brown were brawling over who gets to park their $100,000 car in that parking space, a tow truck showed up, pulled Fist Brown's car out of that space and Angelyne drove her pink Corvette right into it. Because Angelyne is the true queen of parking spaces in L.A. Truth.
RiRi was in Barbados a couple of days ago, but I guess that wasn't getting her enough attention, so she flew to L.A. to be a dumb whore with fellow dumb whore Chris Brown at the Lakers vs. Knicks game at the Staples Center. These STUNT QUEEN ass bitches... My thoughts and prayers are with the poor whores who waited a million hours at the concession stand to buy a foot long hot dog, were all excited about swallowing it and then lost their appetite when they sat down and watched RiRi slobber all over Fist Brown's foot long. RiRi and Chris Brown ruined a whole lot of Christmases last night.
Chronic dickmatization is a real thing when RiRi is still getting horny over a nasty motherfucker who looks like a zombi Sisquo. Chris Brown's outside now matches his inside: dead as shit. Douchebag looks like he should be hooked up to an IV drip full of Ensure. As my favorite philosopher Khia would say, "He looks like he got dat thunda lightning."
And RiRi just had to act all EXTRA for the cameras. Why couldn't a basketball go rogue and hit Fist Brown in the face? Fuck you, basketball for not doing that.
It's really nobody's bidneh, which is why RiRi Instagram'd this picture from the STUNT QUEEN Hall of Shame to millions of her Twitter followers last night. Surprisingly, RiRi's diaper-covered ass isn't the biggest ass in this picture. The piece of trash she's hugging gets that title. Grand Master Troll RiRi has let it be known that she's taking a spin on Chris Brown's round bolster pillow dick again and last night she went all the way by posting this picture with the caption: " i dont wanna leave!!! Killed it tonight baby!!!." Oh, doesn't it seem like yesterday when he almost killed you, baby, and now you're getting one of your assistants to take this mess of a picture using the attention whore filter.
Even The Difficult Brown looks like he's over it. He looks like a bratty ass child with early-onset alopecia who's embarrassed by his mom hugging him in front of his classmates. Whatever, my only advice to RiRi is to take out her contacts before Fist Brown shits on her retina. One rain drop and just a little wind will completely mess up my contact, so I can only imagine what a Fist Brown dookie will do to it.
Anybody who follows comedy writer Jenny Johnson on Twitter knows that she's always throwing shit bombs at the likes of Kim Kartrashian and Chris Brown, and every now and again one of them throws shit bombs back. Yesterday afternoon, Jenny called The Difficult Brown by his official name ("worthless piece of shit") and he responded by barfing out a series of tweets that belong in a book of romantic sonnets. They are that poetic. Here's how their shit fest of words went and I put it in script form so you can perform at the PTA talent show at your kid's school:
CB: I look old as fuck! I'm only 23...
JJ: I know! Being a worthless piece of shit can really age a person.
CB: take them teeth out when u Sucking my dick HOE.
JJ: It's "HO" not "HOE" you ignorant fuck.
CB: see.. I don't even have to tell u what u already know. Thanks HO! #bushpig
CB: I should fart while ur giving me top.
JJ: Your mom must be so proud of you.
CB: mom says hello... She told me not to shart in ur mouth, wanted me to shit right on the retina,
JJ: YOU FLIRT!!! Okay. I'm done. All I got from that exchange with Chris Brown is that he wants to shit and fart on me. I have zero respect for a person who seems unapologetic for the terrible crime he committed and shows no signs of changing.
CB: Just ask Rihanna if she mad??????
JJ: Get some help. Seriously.
Aaaaand scene! Chris Brown hit the delete button on his Twitter account a few hours after this happened and soon as he finishes pouting so hard that his butt plug falls out of his ass, he'll be back. Jenny Johnson says that she's been getting death threats from Team Breezy on Twitter. But a death threat just isn't that scary when you know that an extra slow 12-year-old is tweeting it while sitting in the back of the detention trailer at school.
What I've learned from this mess of a Twitter fight is that Fist Brown is a charming romantic and a SCAT QUEEN. And Chris Brown doesn't need to shit in your eye to show you what it feels like for him to shit in your eye. Because every time I look at a picture of him, it feels like someone just dropped one on my retina.
Right after RiRi finished the last show on her Skanks On A Plane Tour 2012, she jumped back on a jet to see her "lover" in Berlin and yes, that lover's name starts with a Fist and ends with a Brown. In one tweet, RiRi let all of her millions of followers know that she was flying across a damn ocean to jump on a pool noodle dick belonging to a corroded asshole who almost killed her:
All alone in my big ole jet!!! See u soon lover http://instagr.am/p/SSSLqshM4a/
During Thanksgiving dinner last night, I almost heaved chunks of corn pudding up when my little cousin just had to say that the fatty turkey skin looked like the scabs on his legs. That heave has come back to me thanks to RiRi's tweet. The Difficult Brown's dick must have cast a serious black magic spell on DiaRiRi's poon, because she's suffering from stage 4 dickmatization. Chris Brown is looking like a Sméagol crackhead and RiRi still wants to jump on that. And I'm so glad I got through this post without making a joke about how Fist Brown stuffed RiRi's turkey hole on Thanksgiving. That would've ruined my leftove... Oh, wait. Dammit!
Well, here's something that'll make Michael Jackson do the lay down moonwalk (I don't know what is either) in his grave. RiRi and The Difficult Brown crapped out a duet called "Nobody's Bidness" for her new album "Unapologetic" and they just had to drag Michael Jackson into this mess by sampling "The Way You Make Me Feel." Bubble better shit in a box and FedEx it to Fist Brown and RiRi for doing this to his best friend.
RiRi and Fist Brown have a point. It really ain't nobody's business.....except for the police, the emergency room nurses, lawyers, judges, anger management counselors, Diane Sawyer, Oprah, their Twitter followers and the millions of people who will listen to this song. But for the zero of you not included in that list, it's none of YOUR business.
This song sounds like something Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown turned down before they went with "Something in Common." Because this world is a shit place, I'm sure it will be a hit and I'm sure Hope Solo and the dude who allegedly whooped her ass danced to this song at their wedding. That's romance.