Chris Brown

Alien Princess RiRi is publicly speaking out for the first time about "the incident." Hey, an album ain't gonna sell itself!

RiRi told Glamour Magazine that the night after Chris Brown Ike Turnered her, she woke up as Our Lady of Cheetos. No, RiRi did not wake up yacking up Easy Mac bits and craving Frapp cake for breakfast. RiRi meant that the media had their cameras up her nostrils and reporters crawled up toilets to get to her. She said, "It has taught me so much. I felt like I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears. That was the level of media chaos that happened the next day. It was like, What, there are helicopters circling my house? There are 100 people in my cul-de-sac? What do you mean, I can’t go back home?"

In the rest of the interview with Glamour, RiRi doesn't really go into the details or throw any blame on Chris. Instead, she focuses on how she dealt with suddenly becoming one of the faces of domestic violence. Here's bits and pieces from the interview. Visit Glamour to read the whole thing.

Glamour: "You’re talking about the photo [reportedly of Rihanna’s injured face taken by police after Brown assaulted her] that was allegedly leaked by cops. You handled that so well; you kept silent in the press."

RiRi: "It was humiliating; that is not a photo you would show to anybody. I felt completely taken advantage of. I felt like people were making it into a fun topic on the Internet, and it’s my life. I was disappointed, especially when I found out the photo was [supposedly leaked by] two women."

Glamour: "If you could offer a message to the millions of young women who look up to you, what would you tell someone who found herself in a similar situation?"

RiRi: "Domestic violence is a big secret. No kid goes around and lets people know their parents fight. Teenage girls can’t tell their parents that their boyfriend beat them up. You don’t dare let your neighbor know that you fight. It’s one of the things we [women] will hide, because it’s embarrassing. My story was broadcast all over the world for people to see, and they have followed every step of my recovery. The positive thing that has come out of my situation is that people can learn from that. I want to give as much insight as I can to young women, because I feel like I represent a voice that really isn’t heard. Now I can help speak for those women."

Glamour: "I think that’s a great message. What about your new album? What’s it like?"

NOW THAT is a segue (or a SEGWAY, depending on who you talk to). RiRi is also speaking to Diane Sawyer on 20/20 this Friday, so hopefully there's awkward segues like this one. I'm counting on Diane to take us from domestic abuse to talk about umbrellas in ten seconds flat.

Here's some pictures of RiRi sashaying around NYC last night. This reminds me, V premieres tonight, right?

Would you hit it, because it would hit you. So, here's Chris Brown working hard (sar.casm) to erase his sins during day 2 of community service. Seriously, community service looks funner than a dildo convention. You get fart around with your nipples out. Although, in Chris' defense, he's probably topless, because wearing just a wife beater would be too obvious.

How many pairs of shorts does it really take to cover Chris Brown?! Riddle me this, if it's so hot that Chris has to air his chest out, why the hell is he wearing the entire shorts section of an American Apparel?! Pull your stupid camo capris up....all the way past your face.

And I don't know whether to clap or cry at the on-purpose irony in thumbnail #5.

Chris Brown began his first day of community service today in Richmond, Virginia. Chris spent the day pulling out weeds with his beaver teeth, picking up trash (the jokes write themselves) and destroying horse shit by flinching at it. They should have punished him even more by making him wear that precious powder blue sweater and bow-tie.

It didn't take long for the paparazzi and "fans" to find out where Chris was. Yeah, it didn't take long, because Chris sent them a smoke signal in the form of a tweet before he left his house. Chris even posted a picture of him in his "community service outfit" on his aptly named Twitter account Mechanical Dummy. Seriously, it's like he's bragging about his weed pullin' ensemble. I won't be surprised if Chris leaves his final day of community service in a sparkly gown ala Naomi Campbell.

Below is footage of Chris wacking weeds and waving to the fans. It's a hard life. If you're in the area, you should drive by and say "hi" to Chris. And by "say hi," I mean dump all your used tampons near him.

"Yo, Chris Brown, I know you're picking up trash and all and Imma let you finish, but Boy George is the best trash picker-upper of all-time." - Kanye

Yeah, obviously she didn't slap him hard enough, because Chris Brown is still yap-yap-yapping away. Seriously, can't somebody give him a big piece of wood to chew on, so he can just stop already?

In an interview with People, Chris responded to a show Oprah did on domestic abuse which she dedicated to "all the Rihannas of the world." Chris, who really knows how to beat a pun (pun on pun intended), said, "I commend Oprah on being like, 'This is a problem,' but it was a slap in my face. I did a lot of stuff for her, like going to Africa and performing for her school. She could have been more helpful, like, 'OK, I'm going to help both of these people out.' "

Every time Chris opens up his beaver mouth, out comes a shovel which continues to dig his grave. Lay down and shut the dick up already, Chris! I mean, didn't the judge stuff a gag in his mouth? It's obviously not tight enough.

Oprah quickly released a response to Chris' response: "Oprah is very appreciative that Chris Brown performed at her school, but she takes domestic abuse very seriously. She hopes he gets the counseling he needs."

And that was a slap. Chris, this is Oprah's way of kindly saying to stop barking up her tree or she'll put you in the audience for her "Favorite Things" show. Seriously, only 5 out of 6 bitches come out alive from that show. Speaking of...

Next up on Oprah: Oprah reveals her LEAST Favorite Thing: CHRIS BROWN.

(Image: Wireimage)

Yesterday, CNN released a short clip of Chris Brown's interview with Larry King (which airs Wednesday) where he says he doesn't "wow, remember, like, wow" beating Alien Princess RiRi. Well, the second coming of Ike Turner released a loooooong ass statement crying about how Larry King basically pushed him into saying he got a shot of amnesia. This is what the WOW MC had to say. Blame it on the zombie:

There have been reports on the Internet that I didn't remember what happened that night with Rihanna. I want to try and set things straight.

That 30 seconds of the interview they used of me was taken from a one hour interview during which that same question was asked something like 4 or 5 times -- and when you look at the entire interview you will see it is not representative of what I said.

The first four times – or how ever many times it was - I gave the same answer -- which was that I didn't think it was appropriate for me to talk about what happened that night. I said it was not right for me and it really wasn't fair to Rihanna. The fifth time – or whatever it was – I just misspoke. I was asked, "Do you remember doing it?" and I said, "No."

Of course I remember what happened. Several times during the interview, my mother said that I came to her right afterwards and told her everything. But it was and still is a blur. And yes, I still can't believe it happened because it is not me or who I am or is what happened like anything I have ever done before.

As I have said several times previously, I am ashamed of and sorry for what happened that night and I wish I could relive that moment and change things, but I can't. I take full responsibility for my actions. What I have to do now is to prove to the world that this was an isolated incident and that is not who I am and I intend to do so by my behavior now and in the future.

If Chris didn't want to talk about it, why in the hell was he on Larry King? Did he think he was there to discuss how purdy his little boy blue outfit was? I love it when celebwhores say shit like "I don't want to discuss that" during interviews. Then take your ass out of there and stop wasting everyone's time.

And Larry has battled dinosaurs, lived through the dark ages and fought in the war of 1812, so the likes of Chris Brown throwing the blame on him isn't going to affect him at all. Actually, I don't even think Larry King knows who Chris Brown is. Pepaw probably thought he was interviewing Buster Brown (the bow tie gave it away).

(Image: Johnny Louis/Wenn.com)

Chris Brown is pulling the "Iz Had Amnezah" card by saying he doesn't remember Ike Turnering Alien Princess RiRi.

In an interview with Larry King which airs on Wednesday night, Chris Brown said that when he read about the details of that night, he couldn't believe it, "I just look at it like, wow. I'm in shock, because that's not who I am as a person…I don't know what to think. It's just like, wow. When I look at it now, it's just like, wow, like, I can't — I can't believe that — that actually happened."

WOW. Chris Brown needs to like, wow, take that stupid ass bow tie and shove it down his throat. It's like, wow. WOW.

Notice how he says "I can't believe that happened," instead of saying "I can't believe I did that." Ugh. How hard is it just to admit you're a dick, say you're sowwy and then lock yourself in a room with a therapist for a few months? Chris needs new people!

When Larry asked Chris if he still loves RiRi, he said, "I never fell out of love with her. That just wouldn't go away."

Chris should just let See 'N Say do all the talking for him from now on, because he's not doing himself any favors by opening up his mouth.

Chris Brown was officially sentenced today in Los Angeles for beating on Princess RiRi. I feel like he's already been sentenced a zillion times, but this time it's for real. Chris Brown was slapped with 5 years probation, a year of domestic abuse classes and he must complete 1,400 hours of community service.

Chris' community service will consist of cleaning graffiti and washing cars in his home state of Virginia. So if you live in Virginia, get your car raunchy dirty (you know how to do it), drive over to Chris' car wash and tell him you want to be able to eat a five-course meal off your bumper. Scream at him that you want him to wax that shit so clean that you can lick cheese sauce off of it without tasting even a hint of dirt. Yes, I know he's not cleaning regular cars, but let me have my fun.

The judge also said that Chris must keep at least 100 yards away from RiRi. If they are at the same industry event, he has to stay 10 yards away. He isn't allowed to e-mail, text or call her on the phone. The judge also gave a side-eye and said, "I'm not immune to any chatter on the airwaves. Do you understand, Mr. Brown, that any violation of this order is a violation of your probation and it comes with the possible penalty of prison?" Chris answered "Yes." So I guess that song he was planning called "PLEASE RIRI TAKE ME BACK, MY CAREER DEPENDS ON IT" is out of the question?

RiRi had asked the court to cancel the stay-away-order, but the decision was not hers.

And while Chris Brown was getting sentenced in L.A, RiRi was in NYC wearing an ensemble that I will file under "What the hell kind of GD outfit is this?!" Those pants should've never been allowed to leave the 90s.

Chris Brown put his cue card-reading skills to the test (he gets an F minus) and taped this apology for beating on RiRi last February. Chris says that his mother and spiritual teachers (aka two episodes of Amen) taught him better than that and he will never do it again. Chris would've said more, but he had to run off to return that shirt to the gay chef he borrowed it from.

My MacBook is sending good thoughts to its very distant relative, Kanye's MacBook Air, because it's about to go through some serious shit when the CAPS-LOCK poet finds out about this mess. The New York Daily News says that at Diddy's white party in Beverly Hills on Saturday, Kanye's on-and-off manpurse holder was caught tongue fucking lady beater Chris Brown in a dark corner.

Some witness said, "They were holding hands and making out in the shadows. She had her hand on his leg." A little later on, the two got gross again at an after-party. Chris showed up with singer Teyana Taylor, but quickly quit her ass for ole' baldy. The witness added, "They were kissing on the dance floor in front of Teyana. But he and Amber left separately."

Amber's contract as Kanye's bald beard must be up, because bitch is out working the ho stroll for another john and she's not being too picky. Before you give her the side-eye and a lip smack, look up the prices for a shave and a headshine. That shit isn't free! A bitch has got to get paid one way or another.

I just hope Kanye West is getting ready to unleash his wrath in the rant of all RANTS dedicated to Chris Brown! If anyone can prove that you can bust a bitch in the eye with a blog post, it's Kanye. Show us the true power of the CAPS-LOCK key, Kanye!

Try not to have a seizure due to shock, but Chris Brown will not go to jail for Ike Turnering Alien Princess RiRi. TMZ says that Chris struck a deal today. Every prisoner in every jail in L.A. is disappointed, because they were hoping to turn that ass out!

Chris must serve 180 consecutive days of hard labor in Virginia (where he lives). To Chris, hard labor is probably wiping his own ass or whoopin' a trick. But to the system, hard labor is picking up trash on the freeway. Be sure to honk if you see Chris in an orange jumpsuit!

On top of that, Chris will be on probation for 5 years for felony assault. If he violates his probation, he could go to prison for up to 4 years. That's a silver lining for you, prisoners of L.A.!

Chris was also ordered to stay away from RiRi and he must complete a domestic violence counseling program.

I wonder if they wrapped up this deal in fancy paper with a purdy bow on top, because this shit is a gift to Chris Brown.

Image: Johnny Louis/Wenn