Ike & Tina

Try not to have a seizure due to shock, but Chris Brown will not go to jail for Ike Turnering Alien Princess RiRi. TMZ says that Chris struck a deal today. Every prisoner in every jail in L.A. is disappointed, because they were hoping to turn that ass out!

Chris must serve 180 consecutive days of hard labor in Virginia (where he lives). To Chris, hard labor is probably wiping his own ass or whoopin' a trick. But to the system, hard labor is picking up trash on the freeway. Be sure to honk if you see Chris in an orange jumpsuit!

On top of that, Chris will be on probation for 5 years for felony assault. If he violates his probation, he could go to prison for up to 4 years. That's a silver lining for you, prisoners of L.A.!

Chris was also ordered to stay away from RiRi and he must complete a domestic violence counseling program.

I wonder if they wrapped up this deal in fancy paper with a purdy bow on top, because this shit is a gift to Chris Brown.

Image: Johnny Louis/Wenn

At an event called the "NBA Finals" (hell if I know) in Orlando last night, Alien Princess RiRi of the Universe and Ike Turner Jr. reunited....sort of. Not really. They both showed up to the game, but sat at opposite ends of the court. There's a deep-meaning haiku in there somewhere.

According to hos who were there, RiRi and Chris Brown didn't pay any attention to each other. There were rumors that they were going to sit together, but none of that shit happened.

Now I know why RiRi has "cockatoo on growth hormones" hair. If Chris Brown gets near her, her hair can peck his eyes out or chip out one of his giant Chiclets. And could Chris look any crazier? With his shirt buttoned all the way up like that, he looks like a cross between Hannibal Lecter and Forrest Gump. Even his teefs look like they need to be strapped into a straitjacket.

RiRi is back on the scene, just a few weeks after Chris Brown beat some horns into her tenhead. The Princess of the Universe hit Coco de Ville last night without her very own pocket Ike Turner. TMZ says RiRi stayed inside for 4 hours and kept her bruise covering shades on the entire time. RiRi probably spent her time busting drinks into her mouth hole and beating the Anna Mae out of that dancefloor!

It's really fucking hard to write a RiRi/Brown post without it being filled with puns. It's inevitable. The word "clubbing" fits in there somewhere.

After she finished smashing up the club, she got into a red pick-up truck with Heather Mills in the passenger seat. I'm serious. It took me a few more Sanka swigs to realize that the blonde chick was not Heather. She has the same cunty face and says "hello there" the same way Heather does.

RiRi needs to take off the sunglasses already and walk towards the exit. This whole situation is starting to fuck with her money!! Yesterday, some whores in line at the Duane Read said that because RiRi walked back into the fist, they are quitting her ass for good. And a lot of whores are saying this.

P.S. - I hate whoever was playing "My Sharona" in that clip above. I hated that song then, I hate it now and I will continue to hate it all day, because it's now stuck in my head.

VIA UsWeekly

Princess RiRi of the Universe is reportedly back with the bitch who busted two horns in her wondrous tenhead three weeks ago. That's what People claims and they are usually right. Unfortunately.

A source said, "They're together again. They care for each other. While Chris is reflective and saddened about what happened, he is really happy to be with the woman he loves."

The source went on to say that they are hiding out in one of Diddy's houses. Wait. Are they the ones having tantric sex with Diddy? That would explain why RiRi took that bitch back. Any kind of sex with Diddy will make you delusional in the brains.

But seriously, WHY?! Why, Riri?! When a dude tells you he'll never do it again. Nine times out of ten, the motherfucker is lie-telling. Majorly. RiRi really needs to rent What's Love Got To Do With It? to see how this is going to play out. Don't eat the cake, RiRi! In fact, walk away from the fucking cake!

Chris Brown allegedly hit RiRi with some kind of "deadly weapon" so says TMZ. The crime report names Princess RiRi of the Universe as the victim and also states that the incident was "assault with a deadly weapon." Chris' weapon of choice is not known yet.

Every bitch that sent this story to me said the exact same fucking thing in their e-mail: "Chris hit Rihanna with an umbrella-ella-ella." You smart-ass bitches! An injured Princess RiRi is no laughing matter. Although, it was raining in L.A..... Naw. It was probably a dick slapping gone wrong. Okay, we need to stop!

But seriously, it wasn't not funny. RadarOnline says RiRi was even crying in the emergency room at Cedars-Sinai. A nosy witness said, "Rihanna was clearly very upset by what had happened and I could hear her screaming. Rihanna was trying to get her point across about something, she sounded like she was crying as she tried to get to put her point across."

Jay-Z and RiRi's alien subjects need to take care of this shit! But something tells me they really shouldn't bother since Chris is pretty much fucked already.

UPDATE: Now TMZ is saying that Chris didn't use any kind of weapon. There was an umbrella in the car but it had nothing to do with this shit. It's innocent. Sometimes a bitch's fist or foot can count as a deadly weapon. A source also said that RiRi had bite marks and bruises on her body.