Usher

Usher and Tameka Foster can also act like two spoiled toddlers fighting over the prime spot in the sandbox. Move over Jon & Kate....

TMZ says that Usher had to call the cops on his estranged wife, because he caught her scratching up his car. When the po po arrived, Tameka had already busted out of there. Usher also had to call 911 a second time, because Tameka refused to leave his property.

Usher thinks that Tameka scratched up his truck, because they had a fight over the custody of their children the night before. The day after the fight, Tameka showed up at his house demanding to see the kids. The kiddies were at his mother's house. When Tameka left, Usher immediately drove his ass over to his mom's house. Tameka was already there, banging on the door and acting the fool. Usher called the cops, but Tameka busted out of that bitch before they arrived. The next day, Usher found his truck all scratched up. SANTIO DIOS!

Tameka is scratching up the wrong thing. Tameka should be scratching up Usher's credit card by buying everything from dick on Craigslist to booze by the bulk. Seriously, when are these bitches going to realize that it's much more fun just to sick back, smoke a bowl, pop on HSN and spend his money. Scratching cars in the middle of the day sounds exhausting!

.....that JHud is knocked up with Punk's babeh? Or maybe Usher has the power to impregnate with his hands? This would explain how Tameka Foster got pregnant.....twice!

Here's JHud and Usher backstage at Michael Jackson's memorial this afternoon.

Image: Getty

Usher has officially filed papers asking for The BIG D from Tameka Foster. No, not the "big dick." Usher wants to quit that bitch after nearly 2 years of being tied down to her legally. There were rumors on Thursday that Usher filed that morning, but he actually waited until Friday. TGIF?

A source told People that for about a year Usher has been staying away from Tameka. Probably because her nutstack hangs lower than his and he's always been self-conscious of that. It's understandable. The source said that Tameka hasn't been bothered by Usher not being around to crank her cock, because she spends her time focusing on their two baby sons and the three sons she has with another dude.

You know Usher's mother is going to be doing the moonwalk all around town while singing her own acoustic version of The Hives' "I Hate To Say I Told You So." That image will get me through the weekend. And so will the image of Tameka hiking up her chonies (the ones with the dick hole) to battle Usher for that MONEY. Git it! Unleash your T-rex jaw of fury on Usher's checking account!

Usher and Tameka Foster are no longer dick slapping each other in the middle of the night, because their marriage ooooooooover. That's what InTouch is screaming anyway. They claim divorce papers were filed in Atlanta today asking the courts to end their misery and kill their 2-year-old marriage.

A source said that it's been over for a while now and Usher has been living in a different house for over a year. Usher and Tameka have two sons together, 1-year-old Usher V and 6-month-old Naviyd.

The source went on to say that Usher and Tameka are living completely separate lives. When Tameka almost died from getting the fat sucked out of her in Brazil, Usher didn't even know she was having that shit done.

Oh, well. Once Tameka starts collecting alimony payments, I hope she signs up for The Real Housewives of Atlanta. They could use someone like her. You know, someone who actually has money and doesn't regularly hide in the closet when the dudes from Rent-A-Room come knocking on the door to take away all the furniture for non-payment.

And Tameka has just the jaw needed to battle it out with Kim Zolciak's beast of a wig.

After looking at pictures of Chris Brown having a ball of fucking time in Miami, Usher made a comment that everyone co-signed. While being taped during a recording session, Usher said, "I'm a little disappointed in this photo. After the other photo [of Rihanna's bruised face posted by TMZ]? C'mon, Chris. Have a little bit of remorse, man. The man's on jet skis? Like, just relaxing in Miami?"

Well, Usher is taking it all back. Usher issued a statement to UsWeekly saying he was so sowwwwwwwwy for judging the Ike Turners of the world: "The comments made during a recent recording session amongst friends were taken out of context and blown out of proportion. I apologize on behalf of myself and my friends if anyone was offended. The intentions were not to pass judgment and we meant no harm. I respect and wish the best for all parties involved."

Why so sorry? Usher was just saying what everyone was already shouting! Did Chris Brown send Usher a beat-o-gram or something? If that's the case, he shouldn't be scared, because his wife Tameka can totally take Chris down. For real.

Tameka Foster is back out on the loose, just 11 days after her body freaked out right before she was about to get some fat wet vacced out. The lipo gone wrong reportedly left Tameka in a temporary coma while doctors tried to get her shit together.

A spokeswhore for the Sirio-Libanes Hospital in Brazil confirmed that Tameka checked out on Monday night, but wouldn't say what she's up to now.

Usher's spokesbitch hasn't said why things went wrong, but the president of the Brazilian Society of Plastic Surgery, Jose Tariki, told the New York Daily News that Tameka told doctors she had a baby four months ago. Bitch was lie-telling, because she knocked out a kid only 2 months ago. Jose went on to say, "After a pregnancy,the abdomen muscle is violently stretched,becomes flaccid and swells. The patient needs six to eight months to return to normal and only then can undergo surgery."

Does this bitch watch Dick/Tuck?! Everyone knows you're not supposed to lie about shit when you're about to go into surgery or wrecks like this happen! Your doctor is really the only ho you should be honest with. Well, your doctor and your dealer.

I just hope Tameka played it smart and didn't go back to get the job done. I mean, some dumb hos wouldn't let a little thing called cardiac arrest get in the way of them getting skinny.

Usher's spokeswhores and the Brazilian hospital where his wife is currently laid up at aren't saying what "routine surgery" she was having down there. But you can always count on the Brazilian media to get their shovels out and dig for some shit. The news site G1 (via E!) says Tameka was about to get some fat and her dick wet vacced when her body started freaking the hell out. Tameka reportedly went into cardiac and respiratory arrest.

It all happened while Tameka was being anesthetized. Tameka had to be put in an induced coma for one full day so that her body could stabilize. Tameka is now in recovery. Her body was not having it, because it just dealt with giving birth to a baby two months ago.

Some whores have been wondering why Tameka flew all the way to Brazil just to get some chunk sucked out. Well, the dumb bitch probably wanted to be sneaky about it. Some whores to go Brazil on "vacation" and come back looking like Dr. Plasticstein's newest creation. They just say a Tupperware factory down in Brazil blew up on them. Or something.

I also hear that they are masters of the plastic down there. They are pros at nipping and tucking. Shit. I might fly my ass over there to get my no-no, bleached, lipo'd and lifted. It needs an extreme asshole makeover.

Usher had to cancel all his Grammy plans and bust on over to Brazil, because his wife Tameka Foster suffered from major complications in surgery. A brain doctor even had to travel from California to South America to tend to her ass. It was reported that Tameka was getting a little face or body work done. The plastic kind. But Usher's spokeswhore issued a statement and called it "routine surgery." The full statement to People said: : "Tameka Raymond is in stable condition after suffering complications from routine surgery in Brazil. Her husband Usher is with her at the hospital. No further details will be released, and the family requests privacy at this difficult time."

Okay, I know in Hollyweird, plastic surgery is routine, but it's not for most of the world, so let's just call it what it is. Homegirl went down there to get tucked on the sly and now everyone knows about it. That's got to be a bitch!

Usher's wife, Tameka Foster, went down to Brazil to get a little (or a lot) of plastic surgery action. Maybe she went to Brazil because she didn't want bitches to find out, or maybe she wanted some crazy shit they wouldn't do here, or maybe her plastic doctor of choice works his magic down there. Who knows? But unfortunately, things didn't go as planned and Tameka suffered a serious injury due to complications. Eesh.

Usher was supposed to perform at Clive Davis' pre-Grammy party last night, but he had to cancel so he could rush to Brazil to be with his wife. It doesn't sound good, because Access Hollywood reports that a neurosurgeon from Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles is on his way to South America to treat Tameka. No, that doesn't sound good at all. Hopefully, Tameka gets fixed, eats the jello, feels better and runs away from that nip/tuck shit forever.

Usher's rep had no comment.